Black Dogs 29

Oh, dear Scaredycat, another trigger for those feelings “it never rains but it pours” What to say but to quietly say, you need your protective umbrella up for your own self to make the most of what we all talk of “live in the now”. Hard when you are empathic like you are.

Have a lovely lunch and let M and S food do the work?
It did seem like a long time that your friend had had treatments, and I really understand just how small treats like a bit of shopping, getting out into the world, seeing people, little children, etc, make a difference. It’s a shame the resources where she lives don’t do outings - or do they, but she’s not well enough to take part?

PurplePixie - as they say, “fair winds and following seas”, I hope it goes really well.

Oh yes, EllieAnne, do give them a ring.

Sweetpeasue I looked up those tomatoes. Small cherry ones, and exactly what I buy from the big Sainsbugs when I get the choice. Crisp and full of flavour, and the more so at home.
Have you any baby wear to show us? I like to see what people have done. Sorry about your tum. It’s just nice to hear about DH something as ordinary as walking with Fluffball, where do you generally take him?

I like your Costa stories “I’m so sorry that….😉”

Poor Aunt. I think it had to be heading that way, didn’t it? I just hope she can accept it better in time sooner rather than later.

Thanking Doodle for those little hearts last might. They meant so much. I’m crossing all fingers and toes that your operation does put your arm and wrist in its best possible alignment and you find its working better.
Ice cream? I hope family and friends will make sure you have treats. Any update welcome x

Greetings to the many who have passed through BD’s. I had a sleep and not doing a lot.
Sadly brother, due to his car needing fixing, has had to put it off for a fortnight, yes it was a welcome break. I do need a little getaway and will put my thinking cap on.

How are you nadateturbe?

Well I phoned the drs and blood test ok. Blood count a bit under but not concerning. It’s good but doesn’t explain the tiredness.
Wyllow I am glad things are getting sorted out at last.

EllieAnne I think part of your tiredness is the strain of living as you do in an unhappy situation. It saps your energy. I wish I could send you an effective "self nurturing" package..

I will when I've properly worked it out 😘

You could be right Wyllow

Doodle Hope your op went well and that you'll soon be able to use your wrist again.

ScaredyCat That was kind of you to go shopping with your friend. Your other friend, though - did he fall? I expect he'll have an operation. Poor man. Hope you have a lovely lunch with your daughter and her husband.

Wyllow3 When your brother gets his car sorted out, will you meet up with him? I invited my brother here for dinner tomorrow, but he said he'll let me know .

EllieAnne I thik Wyllow may be right about your tiredness.

Not at day centre today - meeting my sister-in-law (widow of late brother) for afternoon tea in Nottingham city centre, my treat. DH is at a speed awareness course - the 1st speeding offence in 47 years! Hope everyone has a decent day x

Yes, HVDY, we've booked a week on Friday. Maybe we'll have better weather because like me he likes walking in the High Peak or where he lives which is north of me and so the North Pennines, less pretty. but with a sort of bleak tough charm on the fells.
I'm seeing friend P instead.

I hope your brother makes it over - he's a "last minute decision" person?

Ooo, co-incidentally I got caught by a camera doing 35 in a 30 area and have just filled in the "I am guilty" form. I hope DH enjoys it in an interesting way - they are a good idea.
Hve a lovely afternoon tea.

Its rain rain rain here so am off to the gym. Will report on natter to action ratio later on.

Went for a walk in the rain this morning then sat in cafe reading. Desperately wanted someone to talk to but no one really understands. Best just to keep quiet and pretend I’m ok.

Hi all
PurplePixie- have a great time you deserve it.
SweetPeaSue- Poor Fluffball perhaps she fancied a Cappucino!!
So nice that your DH can enjoy a walk with her.
At least,your Aunt can now settle down a bit and make her room more like home. She is safe and being looked after . It is terribly sad but you can see her when you are able and hopefully she will get used to where she is in time.
Wyllow- my friend who I took shopping is still in her own home but her DH is still in the care home although improving which is a miracle.She just hadn’t been shopping for many months as she was so poorly. My friend with Alzheimer’s lives in a care home but occasionally can go out with her DD.
Sorry your brother has had to delay his visit but glad you,ve got time with him in the hills soon. P will enjoy spending time with you.
It’s raining here too so it was nice to have DD and SiL with us and hear all about their hols.
EllieAnne- I think Wyllow is right about your tiredness.
Your life at home is so full of stress,regret and overwhelming loneliness which impacts on your physical health . You shouldn’t have to pretend as you do, your happiness matters.
HVDY- it was such a pleasure to see my friend enjoying herself- we had such a nice time . Not for long but it’s a start.
Yes I guess our friend had a fall . It happened in the night so was taken to hospital in the very early hours. His DD has asked for a full explanation of what happened to him. There will be an Op but not for a few days.
Thank you we enjoyed our lunch together - just rolls etc and cake but so nice to be able to do it at short notice.
Hope your DB takes up your invitation and that you have had a lovely tea with your SiL.
Nadateturbe- thinking of you.

Love to all - including all BDs past and present

EllieAnne I’m actually in the local Costa now.

It’s become clear to me that if one turns up at more or less a similar time there are regulars and the staff say hello as well. If it’s just a friendly face it helps on a day I don’t go out at all. Maybe try that?
On the other hand, I do understand as have’been there’ a depression that that sort of contact doesn’t count, doesn’t connect. In which case I’d say… please keep trying.

Yes one is better off ‘putting a good face on’ generally speaking. It’s not real for inside, I still do it if needed xx

Scaredycat thank you for sorting tge friends out in my mind. So the one who has found a pal in the home is your friend who has Alzheimer’s, and of course the shopping friend is in a long period of treatment for cancer. I hope the falling friend is helped properly.

As for you carry on seeing your lovely family. Ira xx just driving along earlier and wondering if you play on the computer with the photos you take, I use the most basic photo programme., a good rainy day activity and some times I can turn very dull family photos taken by others in a hurry into nice ones just by cropping and brightening up.

Today I had a swim since the pool was quiet.

Swim ….. 25 mins
Chats in Sauna….. 30 mins
Long shower and cream and chat time…. 30 mins.
🫢

Evening all. Had my op yesterday but not till 6pm. Didn’t get home till 10.30. It was a long day.
I’m ok but very tired. Big bandage and instructions not to lift anything.
Wyyllow that sounds a lovely time a the gym with plenty of chat.
Ellie Anne you sound so desperately lonely. Can you scan the internet to find something of interest to you. U3A or gym or something. You can drive so it doesn’t have to be local. Had you thought about volunteering in a local hospital or hospice. That’s a chance to meet people. We’ve got some lovely ladies at our hospice we chat to all the time.
Scaredycat it’s good your friends husband is improving. Is there a chance he could come home if he gets well enough? Nice of you to take her shopping round for her.
HVDY hope you had a nice afternoon tea with your sister j. Law. Nice of you to treat her.

Sweetpeasue I hope your aunt is comfortable in the home and they are kind to her. Hope your tummy feels better soon

EllieAnne Tiredness can be a big part of being depressed though Im sure you already know this. I , too went for blood tests for tiredness which showed low iron but not anaemic levels. I think Ive been very low for a long time, obvs different reasons to your own. Its hard for you when you are so awfully lonely at home. Wyllow is right about Costa or other coffee shops where there are regulars and its sometimes makes it easier to start chatting. Your walks out might provide opportunities for a chat though weather lately is wet and gloomy.
Wyllow A shame your brother has had to postpone your visit for a while but at least something to look forward to. The way the weather is going it might be for the best-- those North Pennines would certainly be bleak.
Im afraid my tomato plants are looking pretty withered - its been so cold and wet but it was nice when I put them out a couple of weeks ago. My knitting is very basic stuff you know but I post some pics soon.
Scaredycat We didnt take Fluffball with us today. When she saw us putting on our shoes she did her usual stretches ready to go out- a sort of tummy on floor and front legs stretched out first, then back legs stretched out at back one by one- then looked quite put out when she was told to lie on her bed and fairly baffled.
I visited aunt today and she kept asking where she was and how we knew she was there. We played dominoes for a while and chatted ( difficult) then when we got ip to go she wanted to come with us and to take her home. 😔 I hope your friend who had the fall wont have to wait too long for the op. I think being in hospital is difficult for them to accept and increases confusion. You are so kind to your friends with Alzheimers and it must be so upsetting.
Doodle Hope youve had the op by now and you can get home soon. No place like your own home and youll miss the company of friends and the activities.
HVDY Oh I got a rapped knuckle for speeding in a 30ml and hr area ( was doing 35 and it had always been a 40ml n hr road) I took a fine though. Hope you enjoyed your lunch and chat with your SIL. Aw I hope your DB accepts your dinner invitation.

Quiet day today and constant rain . Visit to aunt was sad again though we made her laugh a few times. Im finding it strange that there was no defining point when she 'slipped away' so much , though admittance to hospital confused her much more. Its like shes not my aunt anymore, not the person she was-- of course she hasn't been that person for a while now but this time ..... I feel like Ive lost her. Of course its so much worse for her Daughters. I do feel for them.
Im glad my mum is not alive to see her in this way- though my mum looked after people in care homes for yrs.
Just cant believe how much she has slipped away.

Love to all and wishing all a peaceful night. Thinking of those not in too. X

Oh crossed posts Doodle So glad you are home but what a late night for you.
Oh dear- large bandage- its going to be quite awkward for a while isnt it. You must be a bit fed up not being able to do things. Hope you have some coffee and cake outing invitations with lifts.xx

Please don’t think I sit around all day saying poor me. I help at a demantia group on Monday over 50s club on Tuesday spend wed at son 1, I usually keep Thursday free apart from Choi r and try to go for a walk. Fri I usually meet friends in Costa. Visit an older lady on Saturday and church on Sunday. Its just that I never want to go home.

Wyllow3 Good that you've made arrangements with your brother. My brother isn't a "last minute" person, more a "I'll see how desperate I feel" type. He's not good company at all, so I won't mind if he doesn't come (and I'll stop inviting him). The weather should be decent by then (unlike today, which has been like winter). Nice that you had people to chat to after your swim.

ScaredyCat I expect your friend had tried to get out of bed in the night and fell. Some places have those mats next to a bed that sound an alarm if the person stands on it. How nice to be able to meet up for tea and cake with your daughter like that. Is she enjoying her retirement?

Doodle How long will it be before you can use your wrist properly? I bet you'll have friends and family to call in and see you.

SweetpeaSue Alzheimer's is so cruel. I know people say that it's like a living grief. Hopefully, there will be glimpses of the person your aunt used to be. She might like looking at old photos (although never tell her that family members have died), or perhaps colouring books.

EllieAnne You seem to keep yourself busy with quite a few things. It's being at home, in an unhappy marriage, that's the problem for you. Is there no way at all you could at least be friendly with each other?

Had a nice few hours with my SIL. She's 71 (I'm 67), but she is quite slow and shuffling, even though she's had nothing wrong with her as I have. Afternoon tea was lovely. I didn't enjoy being in the city centre, though. DH chose to have the course instead of points on his (unblemished) licence. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Oh EllieAnne I never ever thought that and Im sure everyone else here doesnt either! You do so much for your family, certainly go the extra mile( literally driving miles to your Daughter) apart from all the other things you do in your community. I think none of us would want to go home to such a very sad situation. I feel so sorry for your loneliness and wish I could help. If I lived nearer Id certainly be your friend and would meet up for chats or small walks. You sound such a lovely person and you need to know that - inside and deep down- though that must be hard to accept , given the circumstances that youve given us of growing up ( forgive me if Im wrong but I think you had quite a difficult relationship with your father at home).
We here are your friends and know you are lonely. We care and do not find any faults - life is far too hard for that. I have done things in my life that changed how I see the world and , well, most people are not whiter than white , even if it sometimes seems so from a distance. That saying- unless we walk in anothers shoes ,do not judge.
Hope you sleep well and sending you a big hug.xxxx

I’m glad you are home safe and sound, Doodle. Do the medical people feel it went well? I hope you are not in a lot of pain and yes please do not lift anything.
That was a long day! I hope you’ve arranged some visitors till you get some energy to get out and about - and someone else to hoover, please.

Oh - I hope your cherry tomatoes survive, Sweetpeasue - is there any way of sheltering them? I know your knitting isn’t complex but the dolls are so sweet.

Just picturing a puzzled Fluffball. Sadly your Aunt may go on asking for some time and it hurts a lot. I would find it very hard to cope as it’s not something you can “make right”.
Well done for making her laugh! I’ve never had to experience someone “slipping away” from me as an elderly relative and like you just hope she enters a state of mind where there is acceptance even if amongst confusion.

Yes Ellie Anne when home is not a home a presence but one of absence, a grey ness. However hard it is for me to be in my head, my house is my space xx
But I actually agree totally with Sweetpeasue. You bring so much to the world, but have a low sense of self worth which is entirely understandable.

Hmmmm yes HVDY I take your point about your brother. You are helping him a lot you know - his depression is not one with a lot of gratitude to you who are helping….its not uncommon but who he is.

SiL clearly isn’t as active as you….its use it or lose it for some, but I’m glad you have nice chats.

I had a very nice Quaker Zoom. Tuesdays and Thursdays always seem to have good discussions, we ended up with Shakespeare today after how were we created.

I have much to think about, for of course guilt is haunting me re MrA as he is mid 80’s and I am mindful of consequences but am working them through: as well as a determination not to be squished anymore.

Hvdy we are not unfriendly but there is nothing to .talk about . When I’ve shared things in the past I have had no response so I can’t now. Unless it’s a practical house matter or something to do with the family.
He says and does the same thing at the same time every day so I’m saying it in my head before he does and I could scream sometimes. I realise that sounds ridiculous.
But I do nearly everything around the house and cook him nice meals . I try to keep on top of the garden but as I get older it’s getting more difficult. But no matter how much I do in the house or the garden he never comments on it looking good.

I can’t talk about stuff in the news as in the past hes made me feel my opinion is stupid.
I know this all sounds silly. Sorry.

EllieAnne You don't sound silly at all, and your views are valid. I know what you mean about how you could scream (at the monotony?). Would he do things with you if you asked? I mean doing things in the house/garden, or going to the cinema, for example? (so that you'd have something you could both talk about)

He’s not interested in the garden. Even when he was fitter the only thing he d do was occasionally cut the grass and he made a mess of it. We have someone to do that now but everything else is down to me.
He will do light work in the house but has to be asked so mostly I don’t bother.
We never were cinema goers . Don’t even watch films at home. And we definitely don’t like the same things. On Tv he watches sport and documentaries like police and car programmes. Never anything fictional. I watch soaps and drama series mainly though I like medical programmes and ones dealing with social issues. Going to meet my friend in Costa this morning. Thank you all bds for being there.

EllieAnne What a difficult situation you're in. I hope you can have a good chat with your friend today.

DH and I both had our annual review at the GPs today - told to do BP readings and do more exercise. DH is just having a bacon sandwich (butter, white bread )and I've had a chocolate muffin. Brother IS coming for tea - it'll be chicken Rogan Josh, rice, naans and Bombay potatoes, then a Jaffa Cake gateau. Diet tomorrow. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Hi all
HVDY- we,ve never had an annual review at our surgery!! I hate doing BP readings as I only have to look at aBP machine and I feel scared.I would have though that when someone is as poorly with dementia as our friend is he would have rails on his bed to stop accidents.
My DD and SiL are loving their retirement. They had stressful jobs and so appreciate their freedom now. They live in our village so it’s nice and easy to meet up.
Glad you enjoyed seeing your SiL- it’s so nice to have a SiL who you get on well with.
EllieAnne- your week sounds busy and demonstrates what a lovely ,kind person you are. But at the end of the day you have no companionship at home. I think you feel unappreciated taken for granted and almost like an employee.
You certainly don’t sound silly- your DH has no idea how lucky he is to have you. Do you talk to your friends about DH cos I don’t suppose they all have perfect marriages either.
Doodle- glad your Op is over though the bandage must be difficult to deal with. Please take care and no heavy stuff!!
It’s like a miracle with my friends DH, He is now able to sit in a chair for a while and walking a little- obviously with help. As for going home - who knows. He was not expected to survive and it’s incredible what’s happening.
SweetPeaSue- I know exactly what you mean about “losing” your Aunt. My friend of 50 years is “gone” but sometimes there is a glimpse of the lovely woman she was. She can be so angry now though and she doesn’t know who we are. But sometimes she’s amiable and will remember something obscure. It is the most hateful disease.
Your post to EllieAnne was so kind and understanding.
Wyllow- yes I do like playing with my photos although I don’t have a specific programme for them. We have been lucky to see many places and I have over 19000 photos on my iPad.
I expect you’re really good at it.
It’s a great feeling you have about your home. It’s a sanctuary and comfort for you - as a home should be.
You certainly cover some varied subjects on your Zoom meetings - I think I,d like that.
Don’t let that old guilt dominate your thoughts - as we all say you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You’re right Mr A has lived a long time and you respect that but the solution is in his hands if he could just admit his imperfections.
Nadateturbe- hope you’re having some good days.

Love to all x

EllieAnne Its wrong your DH should make you feel your opinions are not worth listening to. I hope you had a nice time with your friend and shes a good listener - you need someone kind to talk to.
HVDY Glad your DB is coming for dinner/tea. Sounds like a lovely meal for him. Yes diet tomorrow. Im feeling very sick of my weight.
Wyllow Thankyou for your kind words about my aunt. I haven't made the dolls for a while now. My, what interesting discussions you have at your Quaker zooms . Id love to have been a fly on the wall. No , you don't ever have to be 'squished' again. Your ex is responsible for a lot of damage.
Scaredycat Im glad your friend's DH has rallied round a little . It certainly seems like a miracle , I agree. Sorry though about your friend in hospital with Alzheimers though. He should have had rails on his bed. It was in hospital that my aunt fell and fractured her pelvis( shed fallen at home and fractured a shoulder and hurt her leg). Shed forgotten she needed to use the walking frame they'd given her. Oh it is certainly as you say, a most hateful disease. It must be hard your friend not knowing who you are. Some people say theres no use going to see them anymore but if you can make them smile just once youve helped.
Doodle I hope youve not been alone today. As others have said be careful with your wrist and not tempted to lift something. Do hope it will soon be stronger.
Nadateturbe Thinking of you and sending love.

Actually took Fluffball into a Costa ( different one!) She did the same but we didnt relent. There were workmen just outside and they were making so much noise it drowned out Fluffballs guinea pig like noises. Took her for small walk 'around the block' as we're both not great today but she enjoyed being in the garden retrieving her toys.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night.x