Black Dogs 29

Thanks for all of your kind and encouraging words. I’ve had a lovely long chat this afternoon with my youngest son. Great. Feel more positive today with my trip away on the horizon. X

Last night was our summer concert and the feedback has been good. I enjoyed it but no more choir till September.
Ds 2 and family were here today and I’m tired now that they have gone.
Dgd helped me put some plants in little pots to hang on the fence. He enjoyed that.
No mention of stair lift today so I m saying nothing.
Church was good today.
It’s cold and windy here. My heating came on earlier. What’s happened to summer.
Coming home last night a deer ran across the road in front of me on a dual carriage way. Just missed it. Got a bit of a scare.
Thinking of doodle today and hoping the hospice visit brings some peace.

Ellie Anne how lovely to have your DGS help you planting your pots, I bet he enjoyed that. Glad you enjoyed your summer concert. Were there many people there?
Purplepixie pleased to hear you’re feeling a bit better,
Scaredycat I wonder why the body stores up so much fluid. DH’s legs got so swollen and red. Hope your new meds help and work well for your heart, Do you have regular follow ups.?
Sweetoeasue yes the hospice is lovely and peaceful, I sat by the lake for a while. Glad you were feeling a bit better today. Please don’t overdo it.
HVDY so pleased your granddaughter has made new friends and is more settled. Must be a relief for you. Fancy Foxy is back. I wonder if he’s been away on his holidays. Bet he missed your gourmet meals.
Wyllow so pleased you’re going to see your family. It’s good you have a trip to look forward to
I had a nice morning at church then the hospice. Spoke to both sons this afternoon which was nice,

SweetpeaSue I bet your garden looks nice now. You'll be aching tomorrow. We bought some small plants last weekend, for the hanging baskets and planters. They're quite pretty. Does your husband do the painting-by-numbers things?

ScaredyCat I'm on Bisoprolol (beta-blocker) for a fast heart rate. Are you on something similar? I recently got a radar key. Very handy to have at times. I'm sure your boys will be fine at the cattery. Are you going abroad?

PurplePixie Glad your mood is better today. Having a long call with your son was nice.

EllieAnne It's surprising how tiring it is having the family around, isn't it? Your GS is at an age to take an interest in the garden. Having a deer jump out like that must have made you jump. A Muntjac did that to me one night, near a golf course. The weather is quite cool here, too. I put the heating on for 1/2 an hour this morning.

Doodle The hospice sounds a beautiful place. Did you have anything to eat there? Glad you spoke with your sons.

Up at 6 today (thanks to Jaffa). Went to the Papplewick Pumping Station (5 minutes drive from us), which made a change. Pub lunch and then chatted with a friend on the phone for an hour. Hope everyone sleeps well x

EllieAnne It can be quite tiring trying to keep up with company cant it. Oh that deer will have given you a fright but so glad you didnt hit it . Quite chilly here too today.
HVDY Im aching now- cant leave DH to do things on his own though. Oh your containers and baskets will bring so much pleasure as they grow. Ive planted a couple of tubs with a bush tomato in each
Bit risky with this cool weather though.
No, DH doesnt do the paint by numbers but likes to paint with oils and pastels mostly.
Doodle Lovely end to your day having a chat with both your sons. Im glad the hospice is there for you.

Evening all, too tired to post much tonight as I've just had to write a summary of events for psychologist coming back from leave as she needs to know new events as "they" want to write to her.

I'm glad to hear of the small bits of light in BD's days.

Even tho yes its sometimes paid for the next day on waking after exertions ...

Quaker meeting was OK except the whole unresolved thing is getting to the people in charge of the meeting tho its hardly my fault. If there was a magic wand to take away post trauma memories of MrA I'd take it as its caused so many so much hassle and I dont want it ti rebound on me. For nearly 40 years before this happened I have been a quiet attender and joiner-inner in meetings joys and sorrows as well as time out when very ill, but never laid the burden or expected them to make it all OK as MrA now is.

Yes...this endless rain does none of us any good tho I did get a walk in the park and an ice cream in this afternoon as the sun came out on and off.

Doodle the hall was full and raised over £3000 pounds for charity.

Wow that’s a great amount to raise EllieAnne

A wet day here today and my mood feels flat but I am going away on thursday and really looking forward to it. In the past when I have gone away DH has wanted to come with me but I have insisted that I go alone. He hasnt said anything this time and I am glad. Time away might make things look and feel better but I doubt it.

SweetpeaSue Some colourful plants and pots brighten things up a bit. We just need good weather now.

Wyllow3 A walk in the park deserves an ice cream. I love Mr Whippy ones, with a Flake.

EllieAnne That's a great amount. What will the money be used for?

PurplePixie Does your friend live alone? It'll be good for you to be company for each other for a while.

Busy day with LG. Playgroup for 2 hours, then home for lunch and a softplay centre for 2 hours. Watched Tom & Jerry and then she went home at 5. Hope everyone's been ok today x

EllieAnne

Wyllow The rain is on and off all day here so not great for walking or just being in garden. Youve been to your local Quakers a long time now and been through a lot over those years. I really hope you can stay there and they sort it all out.
EllieAnne That was a really big concert and you must have felt so proud to be part of it all. 3000 pounds for charity is a huge amount- welk done.
Purplepixie Thus wet weather does nothing to help a depressed mood does it- wish we could have some settled summer weather. I hope you can enjoy your time away alone and with your friend.
HVDY Youve had a very busy day today and I bet LG will sleep tonight .Oh yes, I like 99s too though I bought some Magnums the other day as Id never had one . They're nice but not as good as theyre cracked up to be.
DoodleScaredycat Hope youve both been OK today.

Planted another tomato plant out between showers. Done some sewing together knitted pieces, bit of shopping. Having Fluffball the rest of week so hoping the rain has some breaks.
Lots of love to all.x

It’s going to a children’s hospital charity.
We usually support local causes.
That was a busy day Hvdy.
Purple pixie enjoy your time away.

What an amazing amount of money raised. You should be so proud to have been part of such a successful event. It looked a lovely place to perform in the photo.
Sorry all been out all day till 8 pm and I’m too tired to post tonight, take care all and sleep well

Hi all
HVDY- I,m on Bisoprolol too. Yes the radar key has came in handy a couple of times last Summer.
We are going to France so it’s not really far for us.
I googled Papplewick- it looks really interesting. Another lovely place for you to go.
SweetPeaSue- Garden work is a bit achy isn’t it- it’s nice to work together outside though. We have 3 tomato plants in pots but we’re not the best at growing them.
Enjoy the Fluffball days- she’s such a dear little soul.
Wyllow- glad you were able to nip out between the showers and get an ice cream too.
It certainly isn’t your fault that certain people are not dealing well with the MrA situation. He’s sounds a bit pathetic and trying to round up support . He’s running scared . You have many unblemished years behind you and it should be acknowledged.
PurplePixie- it will do you good to spend time with your friend alone and not have to put on an act. There,ll be time for thought for your DH too- I hope it benefits you both.
EllieAnne- that was a great sum to raise and a very worthy cause- well done to all of you. It must be wonderful to sing like that.
Glad you had a day with your DS and family. You,ll remember it every time you look at your plants.
Doodle- It’s my ankles that swell and I was surprised how quickly the diuretics made a difference. They are not badly swollen but I hate it.
I have no idea what will happen next- hope I do get seen more than I have for the AF which is practically never.
I,m glad yesterday passed peacefully for you and that you could spend time talking wit( your boys. You must share so many memories with them.
Nadateturbe- how are things with you?

Love to all- those mentioned and all our other friends

SweetpeaSue The 3 of us were tired today! LG didn't have a sleep, but I dozed off this evening for an hour (and was dreaming). Hope your tomatoes do well. Home-grown ones taste so much better than the shop-bought ones. You'll have a busy time with Fluffball. What a sweet little dog she is.

*What a great idea to donate money to local charities. Perhaps the children will benefit from new toys or books.

ScaredyCat I've never been to France, but I've seen Colmar in a magazine, and it looks beautiful. Wherever you're going, I hope you have a lovely time.

Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

Ellie Anne. That is a wonderful amount. And well done to your family. You clearly got an awful lot right, you know.

I hope that you are pleasantly surprised at your time out, time away, Purple Pixie.

Also…… I am given to reflect that DH will be left with “thinking time” when you are not there to prop him up in whatever ways you have been doing. But it’s just a beginning - you are setting yourself on a more independent path, but confidence and hope wont come won’t come quickly. You are actually considering if and how you can change either yourself or a relationship, it’s not at all easy.

That’s a nice day there, HVDY. LG must have been well played out, and string watching Tom and Gerry together fun. They grow so quickly, dont they? I can recall DGS 2 at 4 cuddling up to look at dinosaur programmes. I’m so sad that periods of depression kept me away from the family in that vital chunk of time, for now he has grown out of it quite a bit. But treasure those times.

Sweetpeasue I hope you get more sunny breaks yes it does make a difference. I hope today had less pain in it. Good on you for your tomatoes, fresh home grown ones are so much nicer. What sort are they?

I hope your busy day has been a relatively good one, Doodle. If it has been very “people” then it can be hard to come in and “talk some more”.

Hi Scaredycat how are you now as regards going away to France? I know you had some reservations...you expressed before, due to health concerns?
Is it a long travel there? Is it a nice familiar place or adventurous? Put me in your travel bag, I will constantly harass you with good advice and wishes 😳

Yes, I miss nadateturbe too.

Today has been one of contrasts. I got an early email form the Safeguarding HQ lady: its clear the process “Meeting for Clearing” will take forever. I have some substantial concerns who will be present as it does not include me, and one of the people is D, who castigated me around Christmas time in such a negative way.

I have asked for a mini Zoom with her as I said need to trust the people there! And my concerns about the “some people saying we were unquakerly” as of course some will know its me - all this behind my back, but waiting for ages for them to talk.

But I went to an online Quaker Zoom and surprised myself, when we were taking afterwards, coming out with my story - and meeting nothing but concern and support -and anger.

One woman there had actually been through worse but not in Quakers, she was very outspoken. All who spoke agreed one thing - to want Quakers to be “nicey nice”, which many do, is damaging when something like this happens.

It was very difficult to heave ho after that. I got on my exercise bike when the news was on, and then the sun was out, so I got hurriedly dressed and went out for a walk in the park in the sun which stayed out so walking by the river and then a scone and coffee. I have loads of gardening I should do but…

Whilst I was drinking coffee I got an email from one of the Safeguarding people who had previously asked me to speak to my psychologist and I had said well OK, but why?

She wrote to say there was no need as she had spoken to 31:8 (the religious safeguarding guidance people)

And I had really had enough of all this behind my back business. I asked her, given that as quakers we put a great value on transparency and truth, to tell me why she had wanted to speak to my psychologist.

Was it to question my capability? Or to ask how they could “help”me, in which case why not ask me. And I am fed up with this. I thrive on truth and information even if it hurts or triggers something difficult, for there is no worse trigger than feeling people “going behind your back”.

Yes, their problem is what to do about MrA, isnt it? And the people he has managed to sort of manipulate on his behalf? If they had dealt with it quickly …..and I have always thought of his interests, but it is to get him to engage with a counsellor to understand how and why his actions had such consequences. The people at the meeting this morning understood perfectly that what is “needful” as we quakers say is for the person who has hurt another badly fully feels and recognises and has a sense of true remorse.

And Safeguarding have been dodging that, hoping it would come in other ways, just as the people in charge of my meeting now face a backlash because they too avoided it or worse.

I dont feel I have any option but to be strong on it, for the alternative is to lose my little meeting and it means a lot to me. MrA thinks if only h can return all will be as it was before, but that is an illusion.
rant over.

Good night all: see you tomorrow.

Scaredycat I had swollen ankles once when the hospital put me on BP tablets. When I stopped the meds my ankles returned to normal very quickly.
Did I read you’re going to France? How lovely. Where are you staying? Are you going for long?
HVDY if I doze in the chair during the day I often walke up and can’t think what time of day it is or what I’m doing. I become completely disoriented.
Sweetpeasue what are you knitting now? Hope you have a fun week with Fluffball. Are you planning to go anywhere for walks?
Ellie Anne I bet the charity will be pleased with such a great donation.
Wyllow glad you got support from other Quakers on zoom.
Your group seems to be a bit of a shambles. Lots of people with different opinions. Is no one in charge, do you not have a senior safeguarding officer? Lots of people seem to be getting involved when I would have thought a higher up person not connected with your group should be advising. Just my thoughts.
I might not be posting for a few days.
I’m going into hospital tomorrow to have a procedure on my right wrist so ont be able to write. Nothing serious. Quite straight forward and shouldn’t be affected for long. X

Hi all

Where is everybody?
Hope you’re all OK.
I,ve been busy today taking my friend for blood tests etc.
it’s been quite cold with very heavy quick showers so stayed in for the rest of the day.
My daughter has arrived home safely from their hols so hope to see her soon.
Hope you all have a peaceful nightxxxx

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today but I’m very low. Church thing was fine this morning but gone down since then. Can hardly force myself to speak .
I’ve had a busy few days so maybe I am just tired.
I had blood tests last week and haven’t heard anything so I am assuming all is ok but should phone to make sure.
I will go to ds1 tomorrow and do a few things and see the girls but I really don’t have the energy.
I hope everyone is okay today.

I think I rather overwhelmed them all with my Rant, Scaredycat, but I do “hear” others despite self preoccupation. In some ways, more so.

I hope your friend is doing as well as she can be, but I suppose that the tests are to try and find out if she can continue with treatment and so on. Yes, it has been an indoor day/cat cuddles/trying to be grateful for the garden and the filling of reservoirs..

I’ve had a lot to organise for the Zoom with HQ Safeguarding tomorrow, and some useful thoughts and queries in that process. This was in between a good dentists appointment (passed flying colours), the gym (more natter than exercise) and a Costa (more emailing and altering appointments this week so I can enjoy seeing brother for a walk on Friday - (I have previously only seen him re or less annually, this is us deciding to make to more frequent, he drives to me)

I’ve just been to a Quaker Zoom: in the chat after wards it emerged that one lady has just lost her husband 3 days ago (expected) and a quiet man at the end, 2 weeks, and he has been bottling it up alone so was able to cry with us there. I told him it was OK to cry with us, and so on.

I was pondering how much I had learnt from you Doodle and others in GN as regards grief: that “walking with someone” is best: of course there was someone who brought a well meant platitude in, but I knew just 2 weeks after, he was actually lost in a sort of chaos. there is a regular sort of group that always come so we get to know each other.

And it did make me reflect on MrA: when he got fixated on me, he was actually full of grief for his wife, going round women and trying to cope physically at times with touch:

But instead of talking about his grief with me, he was actually trying to fill the hole

to replace, with a fantasy woman, that never took into account how I was, what my feelings were, and literally, physically seized me. For his bed and his everyday life in his mind.

“Rebuffed”, he switched first into defence mode “it was just an over friendly hug”,

then, when reported as what it was, sexual, turned against me, instinctively manipulating others, avoiding self reflection

- going through processes designed to help him reflect, but used them to “tick boxes” to appear contrite. And now of course involving others.

(this insight should help me and also others)

But what struck me was that for me, hearing of grieving in all its aspects helps me, as I was unable to grieve when my Dad died, I was 20, my younger sis and bro 14, and my mum went into mental hospital, and the family literally felt as having fallen apart, as I was away at college: we had no funeral, and all.

So Doodle you are a teacher and a helper just by being you.

💕💕

Hello for today, how are all?

I have at last had a positive Zoom with HQ, its clear I have their support: decision meeting is 19th:

time to concentrate on other things, and that includes dear BD's, so please don't let me have put you off this precious resource - I'm having an afternoon in bed with Jeeves and Wooster, suitably escapist (the Stephen Fry "Jeeves", now on U tube. xx

Hi all
EllieAnne- I expect you are really busy today- difficult trying to do a lot when you feel as you do. Still being with the girls should cheer you up- hope so.
Doodle- Hope by now you have had your Op and that it went smoothly. Make sure you have a good rest when you get home. Ice Cream is good for poorly wrists!!
Wyllow- so glad that at last you are feeling supported as you should have been all along. There is an end to the MrA saga now hopefully.
It’s defo time to think of other things. Seeing your Bro will be a good start - once a year isn’t enough!!
It’s great you can put your thoughts down so well and I for one am glad you can share them with us.
Yesterday after Hospital I took my friend shopping for some goodies. It made me so happy to see her enjoying something that we take for granted. Such a simple thing and she did really well. I hope she can resume her treatment soon- it’s been several weeks now.

This morning we heard our dear friend who has dementia has fractured his hip in the care home - poor soul. He,s our friend with Alzheimer’s husband.
My head is getting so full of it all - never mind DD and SiL are coming over for lunch tomorrow so something to look forward to.
HVDY,SweetPeaSue,Nadateturbe,PurplePixie and those I,ve omitted hope you are having a good dayxx

Thanks for your help. I’m setting off soon tomorrow until Monday night. Catch up soon.

EllieAnne Hope seeing your DGDs will have cheered you a bit. You're probably right about the blood tests being OK but might be best to give them a ring just in case.
Scaredycat Oh Im sorry about your friend,- thats an awful situation as they cant remember to protect and look after the poorly part of them. I know what you mean about head being full of it all though there's little we can do really to help the situation.
Be nice for you to see your DD and her husband tomorrow.
Wyllow How lovely at last from the Quakers to hear about the support from them- not before time. Hope the decision meeting will be in your favour and you can get some peace. Its clear how the whole thing is tormenting your mind every day. Im glad Doodle has been such a help regarding loss and you could understand those other people in that other Quaker meeting.
Oh the tomatoes are called 'Tumbling Tom' funny name.
Doodle I hope by now your op is over with and youve not had to wait too long. Always feels better if you're one of the first to go down. Take care of yourself and as Scaredycat says keep taking your ice cream.
Still knitting baby wear.
HVDY Hope youve been OK today. Yes, Fluffball is very sweet though she's rather spoilt. She whined all the time we were in Costa yesterday as she was wanting titbits - so embarrassing. At least we can tell others shes not ours! Haha.

Tummy not good today. DH took Fluffball out for little walk. Aunt's DD told yesterday aunt isnt capable and should really have 24 hr care so shes to stay in home. Luckily can stay in same room. So very sad.

Take care all. X
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