Can you be cured of depression?

I know you are worried about moving your son but maybe he would be happier in a calmer environment? It's a hard one but it does sound as though your DP is making your life difficult.

It is difficult Liz and DS is constantly being criticised when he is just a normal teenager and not a bad lad. I just wish there was a miracle cure!

drinking alcohol will cause depression and anxiety cancelling out the effects of the anti depressants

Alcohol is a depressive.
Years ago I lived with my ex who had similar problems. Eventually diagnosed as bipolar and on lithium for the rest of his life. But he had to want to change.
He did "get better", as a result of eventually making a huge effort.
Thinking of you, seasider.

I know Annie but how do you stop a grown man ?

Seasider, you can't , nothing will change untill he seeks help for his drinking , so sorry for you, it is such a feeling of helplessness watching someone you care for destroying themselves . In fact I ache for you. X

Thank you Fennel and Annie. I went on a course to understand the condition better. The counsellors said I should steer him to things like exercise, yoga and mindfulness. OP thinks it is a load of rubbish ! They also said depression is a very selfish condition and some people choose not to get better as they enjoy the attention. It is so frustrating and I am losing patience.I have stopped "covering" for him when he fails to attend social events. I have tried to explain to his older children (my stepchildren) but they don't really understand as he makes the effort with them ! I went to the doctors for something unrelated and happened to.mention DP's depression. She asked me how I felt and I burst into tears as she was the first person to ask me how I actually felt about it

It sounds like an awful situation for all concerned and it’s hard to imagine why your DP doesn’t want to change things by giving up alcohol and trying exercise etc. The truth is nothing you can do will make a bit of difference until he wants to change and makes the effort. I have a similar problem but a different issue with my OH and the changes that have been successful have all been the ones he’s embraced wholeheartedly. Nothing I have tried to persuade him helped and really only added to the stress.

I don't think you can get better but you can live better. It all depends on your will to fight. Everyday is a battle. Some days you win and some days you lose but you hope that you have more win days than lose days. That said, you have to want to fight.

It's all very well the counselors telling you to steer him towards exercise and mindfulness. If he chooses not to or isn't ready then he won't do it and will view it as nagging and a lack of understanding.

I am concerned that he can control it when he wants to. Are you and your DS the only people who see him at his worst? I know that it's possible to put the smile on for others but this seems odd. He's making the ones who would support you, doubt you by being OK with them every time he sees them.

Was he a controlling man before he became ill?

Whatever the reason, you have to put you and your DS first. Living with someone with depression is difficult at the best of times. Your situation is driving you into depression too and that's not fair. Perhaps it's time to make plans to leave so that, if the time comes, you are ready to go.

Cancel the trip, use the money saved to remove yourself and your son from this situation for this year which is important to him. He can't study or concentrate in a corrosive environment. Please put him first.
He doesn't have to move schools. Rent close by.
What youre doing now isn't working for anyone. You can't change your partner. The change has to come from you.
My best wishes to you.

Depression is an illness like any other in many ways, but different in others. As the counsellors said, it is a selfish condition, and to put it bluntly, if your DH cannot or will not help himself, but instead chooses to make his condition even worse by refusing to consider things which may alleviate symptoms, and persists with things such as excess alcohol consumption which make it far worse, then there is really little you can do to help him. What you can do is help yourself, and your son, and perhaps your step children need to be informed of his true condition. If he is able to turn on the charm for them, but make the lives of you and your son miserable, then you need to seriously reconsider the future, living with someone who uses his illness as a weapon is too awful to consider.

If someone with a serious depression does not seem to respond to suggestions that might improve their condition, it does not mean they are being awkward or obstructive - it is one of the characteristics of the illness that sufferers cannot find the impetus to do things - even things that they know might improve their situation. They do not "choose to make their condition worse"; they cannot help themselves. It is the nature of the illness. When you are depressed, it takes a massive (and sometimes impossible) effort to do anything constructive; just as someone with a broken leg cannot walk - no-one thinks it is because they are not prepared to make the effort.

So true Luckygirl, we haven't really advanced in understanding of mental illness

I think there are different types of depression.
The kind that most of us have at some time in our lives is extreme sadness because of a life experience, which can lift quickly, or last for a long time.
Then there are various kinds of depression due to chemical changes , eg old age, post puerperal. Probably what is now called bi-polar comes into that too.
With bi-polar, people sometimes use alcohol to try to prolong and make more intense the 'highs' , in fear of dropping into the 'lows'.
But we still have much to learn about it.

There are many types of depression,

Reactive depression which happens when life throws you a blow,

Clinical depression can be serious, many causes, but this is a depression where some sufferers cannot get out of bed, doesn't bathe, doesn't eat, can be unaware of what is going on around them

Bi polar or manic depression is very serious, often leads to suicide when a low strikes but when a high strikes this too can cause harm, promiscuity, burns up energy but doesn't need sleep, thrills such as shop lifting .

No, I am not an expert, I had to attend meetings with a psychologist when I worked at the drop in centre

Annie, I didn't realise that alcohol can cancel the beneficial effects of anti depressants.

It may be worth considering Eglantines suggestion to move to a rented accommodation nearby just until after DS's exams. Use that as the excuse. It will give DS a peaceful study environemt and may give DH time to consider his situation while you'll still be on hand to help him, but not be his whipping girl. Best to talk it through with his counsellors and doctors. The change has to come from him. Until he wants it, you can't really help him.

Yes wot, I don't mean a sherry ?, but Alcohol is a depressant and heavy drinking causes deeper depression and certaintly lessens the effects of medication. You will learn this at an Al anon meeting or a rehab centre

I would say it can be controlled, but that one must always be aware that they are prone to be affected by it depending on certain circumstances that can trigger an episode. Understanding the triggers is key to depression management

Thank you all for your suggestions. Vampire DP was not a controlling man before and could be good fun and good company but he seems to have gone downhill. He has lately been letting the mask slip.in front of his older children so they are beginning to see how bad he is. He did have a bit of a meltdown in front of two good friends. The man of the couple gave him a good talking to which I hope gave him something to think about! I am quite close to one of his sisters who has been good enough to encourage him to stay with her for a few days to give us a break. I am starting to put my affairs in order in case I need to leave. The doctor made it worse by telling him he was in a high risk group for suicide ( I think just his age)He told me I had to keep an eye on him but that's a big responsibility!

Anniebach -from your description he shows signs of clinical depression but has the most terrible mood swings. I have asked the doctor if it could be testosterone deficiency but he did not seem interested

Keeping an eye on someone who is a suicide risk is stressful and leaves you in hell if you fail , but in my opinion more of a hell if you don't try

I think it depends on the love you have for him , you have your son to care for.

I hope you can get some one who will support you and someone to support your partner

Some drugs can have side effects which could be worse than the condition itself. Most people would not suffer from these side effects but for some, side effects such as mood changes could be possible.

Can you go with him and ask the GP if a change of medication would be beneficial?

Otherwise, I do not think it is good for your DS to be in this toxic atmosphere in this important academic year - it could adversely affect his future. Perhaps, as someone else suggested, you could rent nearby or ask your OH to find somewhere to rent but stay in touch. In fact, that could give him the impetus to try to face up to what is happening and to take steps to try to improve the situation.

It is not fair of the doctor to ask you to take responsibility for your DP's safety. It is something that you have no control over. I am a cutter. I fight it but sometimes it gets too much. You can't watch him 24/7 and even if you could he'd still do something if he wanted to. Whatever we do to ourselves is a personal choice. It is no one else's fault or responsibility.

Does he need his meds changing? He drinks through choice. He may think it's a coping strategy even though it isn't but at the end of the day it's his choice.
You really need to put yourself and your DS first. If you're not careful you'll end up depressed too.

The mental system is so run down that they're the care onto the families even if the families have no ability to deal with it.