Am I the Asshole?

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult childhood. No child should have to be afraid in their own home. You deserved better.

If you are looking for advice for your current situation, I would say to stop sharing problems with your mom and sister and allowing them to have a say. It's a little unfair of you to do that. Most people listen to problems and then go into solve it mode. Perhaps seek the guidance, or friendship, of an older friend or counselor. If you just want to vent, choose a friend and not a family member.

If you are trying to break the cycle, it starts with you breaking your habit of venting to them, in my opinion, because they are clearly, as exhibited, going to tell you what to do.

Best of luck.

You didn't have a loving early childhood and into your adult life nothing as changed.
Would it not be best to keep in contact but don't keep bringing up things that happened in the past.
Nothing is going to chance, just get on with your life and make it the best you can for your immediate family.

nanna8

I wouldn’t go to them for advice. It is not their ‘thing’ and you will only get upset. Try someone independent outside your family who you can trust. Good luck.

I agree. You know how they will react, same as ever. Ask friends, other people.

You wont ever get "approval" from them if they don't understand you. (believe me, I tried, and it only hurts you, its like an addiction for you to break.)

I think the point here is that you have found a completely different way of coping than either your mother and sister ever have.

So it is really pointless to ask their advice, or expect them to see things from your point of view.

So I second the advice to discuss problems with friends not with your family.

This thread is from august it was reseated in October and went nowhere it was resurrected a month later in November and went nowhere, now it been resurrected end of December
I wonder why ?

My son married a year ago and from day one my DIL’s parents have lived with them. He’s discouraged by this and her parents just don’t like him. They now have a 10 month old baby girl which we’ve never met. My DIL and I have been communicating by text for a year with no problems-great relationship. He recently got orders for Japan and they are visiting with us for a few weeks before they go.

To say my world has turned upside down is an understatement. This sweet kind girl has not uttered a complete sentence to me since they’ve been here! My son is acting so strange. Hardly any communication with his dad or me, isolating in their room with the baby, we were on a 3 hour time difference but they’ve not tried to acclimate themselves or the baby to the time change so they sleep until noon everyday.

When they do get up of course I’m anxious to see the baby and them but when I asked if they want me to feed the baby breakfast I was told they fed her in their room. The only time I have to bond with her is when they’re up sitting silently in the living room watching me play with her. I haven’t feed her, changed a diaper, no special moments, only supervised visitation. I’ve done no harm and offered to watch the baby so they could have a break and visit with friends he hasn’t seen in years. They say no. I’m trying not to rock the boat, but I won’t see this child again until she’s 3-4 years old.

I’m devastated. I was the neighborhood mom. I love babies and raised 2! I feel like such a failure.

OGGma

My son married a year ago and from day one my DIL’s parents have lived with them. He’s discouraged by this and her parents just don’t like him. They now have a 10 month old baby girl which we’ve never met. My DIL and I have been communicating by text for a year with no problems-great relationship. He recently got orders for Japan and they are visiting with us for a few weeks before they go.

To say my world has turned upside down is an understatement. This sweet kind girl has not uttered a complete sentence to me since they’ve been here! My son is acting so strange. Hardly any communication with his dad or me, isolating in their room with the baby, we were on a 3 hour time difference but they’ve not tried to acclimate themselves or the baby to the time change so they sleep until noon everyday.

When they do get up of course I’m anxious to see the baby and them but when I asked if they want me to feed the baby breakfast I was told they fed her in their room. The only time I have to bond with her is when they’re up sitting silently in the living room watching me play with her. I haven’t feed her, changed a diaper, no special moments, only supervised visitation. I’ve done no harm and offered to watch the baby so they could have a break and visit with friends he hasn’t seen in years. They say no. I’m trying not to rock the boat, but I won’t see this child again until she’s 3-4 years old.

I’m devastated. I was the neighborhood mom. I love babies and raised 2! I feel like such a failure.

Perhaps consider a less confusing post, apart from this old thread?

The original OP is from August. surely it's solved. why revive it!

I agree you should post your own thread

You ANTA! Your family sounds toxic, and if they refuse to go to counselling with you, it may be time to distance yourself. Have you broached that suggestion with your therapist? Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life. Yes, it is difficult, but yes, it can be done. No one needs a lifetime of abuse like that--you may have had to deal with it when you were younger, but as an adult, you are capable of changing that.
I realize this thread is months old, so I hope things have leveled out for you and you actually found a solution that works for you; just my 2 cents.

I knew very well what my mum would have said back so I never asked advice or even support from age 20. Dad died when I was 20 so that was that.

yet I longed for her approval and tried to lead the life I knew she thought I should be having.

One of my sisters is different we do talk and I've done loads of counselling to undo some of the past..

So....don't bang your head against brick wall. You can't get approval or positive feedback from those who are not on the same wavelength.

We can love our family but not get what we want from them, slowly find those who are more on your wavelength. x