Am I the Asshole?

I knew very well what my mum would have said back so I never asked advice or even support from age 20. Dad died when I was 20 so that was that.

yet I longed for her approval and tried to lead the life I knew she thought I should be having.

One of my sisters is different we do talk and I've done loads of counselling to undo some of the past..

So....don't bang your head against brick wall. You can't get approval or positive feedback from those who are not on the same wavelength.

We can love our family but not get what we want from them, slowly find those who are more on your wavelength. x

You ANTA! Your family sounds toxic, and if they refuse to go to counselling with you, it may be time to distance yourself. Have you broached that suggestion with your therapist? Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life. Yes, it is difficult, but yes, it can be done. No one needs a lifetime of abuse like that--you may have had to deal with it when you were younger, but as an adult, you are capable of changing that.
I realize this thread is months old, so I hope things have leveled out for you and you actually found a solution that works for you; just my 2 cents.

I agree you should post your own thread

The original OP is from August. surely it's solved. why revive it!

OGGma

My son married a year ago and from day one my DIL’s parents have lived with them. He’s discouraged by this and her parents just don’t like him. They now have a 10 month old baby girl which we’ve never met. My DIL and I have been communicating by text for a year with no problems-great relationship. He recently got orders for Japan and they are visiting with us for a few weeks before they go.

To say my world has turned upside down is an understatement. This sweet kind girl has not uttered a complete sentence to me since they’ve been here! My son is acting so strange. Hardly any communication with his dad or me, isolating in their room with the baby, we were on a 3 hour time difference but they’ve not tried to acclimate themselves or the baby to the time change so they sleep until noon everyday.

When they do get up of course I’m anxious to see the baby and them but when I asked if they want me to feed the baby breakfast I was told they fed her in their room. The only time I have to bond with her is when they’re up sitting silently in the living room watching me play with her. I haven’t feed her, changed a diaper, no special moments, only supervised visitation. I’ve done no harm and offered to watch the baby so they could have a break and visit with friends he hasn’t seen in years. They say no. I’m trying not to rock the boat, but I won’t see this child again until she’s 3-4 years old.

I’m devastated. I was the neighborhood mom. I love babies and raised 2! I feel like such a failure.

Perhaps consider a less confusing post, apart from this old thread?

My son married a year ago and from day one my DIL’s parents have lived with them. He’s discouraged by this and her parents just don’t like him. They now have a 10 month old baby girl which we’ve never met. My DIL and I have been communicating by text for a year with no problems-great relationship. He recently got orders for Japan and they are visiting with us for a few weeks before they go.

To say my world has turned upside down is an understatement. This sweet kind girl has not uttered a complete sentence to me since they’ve been here! My son is acting so strange. Hardly any communication with his dad or me, isolating in their room with the baby, we were on a 3 hour time difference but they’ve not tried to acclimate themselves or the baby to the time change so they sleep until noon everyday.

When they do get up of course I’m anxious to see the baby and them but when I asked if they want me to feed the baby breakfast I was told they fed her in their room. The only time I have to bond with her is when they’re up sitting silently in the living room watching me play with her. I haven’t feed her, changed a diaper, no special moments, only supervised visitation. I’ve done no harm and offered to watch the baby so they could have a break and visit with friends he hasn’t seen in years. They say no. I’m trying not to rock the boat, but I won’t see this child again until she’s 3-4 years old.

I’m devastated. I was the neighborhood mom. I love babies and raised 2! I feel like such a failure.

This thread is from august it was reseated in October and went nowhere it was resurrected a month later in November and went nowhere, now it been resurrected end of December
I wonder why ?

I think the point here is that you have found a completely different way of coping than either your mother and sister ever have.

So it is really pointless to ask their advice, or expect them to see things from your point of view.

So I second the advice to discuss problems with friends not with your family.

nanna8

I wouldn’t go to them for advice. It is not their ‘thing’ and you will only get upset. Try someone independent outside your family who you can trust. Good luck.

I agree. You know how they will react, same as ever. Ask friends, other people.

You wont ever get "approval" from them if they don't understand you. (believe me, I tried, and it only hurts you, its like an addiction for you to break.)

You didn't have a loving early childhood and into your adult life nothing as changed.
Would it not be best to keep in contact but don't keep bringing up things that happened in the past.
Nothing is going to chance, just get on with your life and make it the best you can for your immediate family.

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult childhood. No child should have to be afraid in their own home. You deserved better.

If you are looking for advice for your current situation, I would say to stop sharing problems with your mom and sister and allowing them to have a say. It's a little unfair of you to do that. Most people listen to problems and then go into solve it mode. Perhaps seek the guidance, or friendship, of an older friend or counselor. If you just want to vent, choose a friend and not a family member.

If you are trying to break the cycle, it starts with you breaking your habit of venting to them, in my opinion, because they are clearly, as exhibited, going to tell you what to do.

Best of luck.

OP

Why are you asking your family to be different than they currently are?

They will never be the supporting and respectful family that you deserve

As far as I can see you have 2 solutions:

1. Don't talk about these issue with your wider family because you just trigger advice.
2. Talk about these issues with your wider family but just take the advice which is good and ignore the rest.

You have obviously done well to realise the dynamics of your family and to move away from the cycle of abuse without going no-contact. However, the downside of keeping contact is that they are not people it is easy to set in place the boundaries you need for a healthy relationship. I think you need another place to vent your problems, say, a good friend because your family is strongly embedded in their values.
You are not an asshole but you are expecting too much from people who just don't get it.

Thank you for the support!

First of all Char if you're a new poster then welcome to GN.

I agree with Fanny you've done well to break the cycle and to have built a life for yourself after such a difficult and what must have been at times traumatic childhood.

It must be very hard to feel you can't air your thoughts and feelings with your own family, especially your mum. That said, it doesn't look as if this is ever going to change so now to break the cycle even further, you need to stop seeking something you're never going to have.

That doesn't mean cutting all ties, it means keeping your conversations light and not talking about the things that gets
the response that makes you feel you're not an adult, and incapable of fixing your own problems.

You are and are more than capable. Look at what you've already managed to achieve. Look back and see how far you have come, then look forward and see how far you can go .

What I am asking is this boundary of not wanting them to tell me their advice unreasonable? I don't think so

No itsnot unreasonable. It is entirely uour choice who you ask for advice from. And if they give e unsolicited advice just say "I'll think about that!" or "OK. Food for thought!" then change the subject. It does t matter if you don't actually think about it, that's up to you.

If you respond with disagreement or are triggered into defensiveness then you are just repeating the cycle of "your assigned role" in the family! Don't waste energy on that!

They won’t understand where you are coming from because to you they caused the issues you are having.
Unless you want them to apologise for their behaviour ( an unlikely scenario) I don’t understand what you want from them, they will probably just tell you to get over it.

Obviously you want an ongoing relationship with them, but that will be difficult, so as others have said, concentrate on your own family and keep conversations with your parents and siblings to a minimum. You can still have a relationship with them but not on the level you seem to want.

I wouldn’t go to them for advice. It is not their ‘thing’ and you will only get upset. Try someone independent outside your family who you can trust. Good luck.

People have different approaches to someone who shares issues with them. Some will listen, most will try to make a suggestion, others are fixers. Your family come into one of the two later categories. I think you might need to accept that they are maybe not the right people to share your issues with. Someone else with a different style might be. You're not the asshole, but I think you need to adjust your expectations of your family. They aren't the kind of listener you are wanting and that's a mismatch of styles.

You’re welcome!

Thank you!

After your difficult childhood, you have done well to navigate and build your relationships with your family members.
If ‘unsolicited advice’ is the worst of your problems, you’ve done really well

Asking for advice is different than Someone giving unsolicited advice.

I think that they are probably just trying to be helpful.
I’ve found that men in particular (especially my father!) misunderstand when you are just having a moan - they think that you want a solution.
Anyway, you are over thinking this.
Rather ironically - it sounds like you are seeking a solution from us!

Braking the cycle doesn't always mean cutting all ties. My father was the alcoholic and my mother was the co-dependent. I have a relationship with my family but I set boundaries and keep setting new ones when needed. What I am asking is this boundary of not wanting them to tell me their advice unreasonable? I don't think so.