Am I the Asshole?

hypervigilant not hyperventilate sorry

You’re certainly being confusing, that’s for sure!

I gave back story for context and am stating that when I talk to my mom and older sister about any issues I am having. They never can just listen they always assume I want and need their advice because I am incapable of fixing my own issues. I very rearly ask for their advice, I just went to vent.

Perhaps try some counselling

I have years of counseling but my family will not go.

If you have your own family now so have already broken away from these unhappy family relationships why are you still so hampered by your past?
And why are you asking on this forum?

Are you a new poster charv
I don’t think your years of counselling have helped perhaps try a different form of counselling

You cone from a dysfunctional family and yet you see them and seek sport all. Why? You're not going to get it. At 33 with your own family ask why they must be drawn into this. High drama and confrontation, do you need that to function? Do you need approval from an alcoholic abusive person. Just to keep raking things over with a counsellor, what good is that, you ask yourself why your family should have what you had. If it were me I would break the cycle look after my own family before they to inherit yours. Only you can do that.

Support and not sport all.

Wondering if the solution is to stop talking to them about your problems. Given that you say you are just looking to express your feelings not looking for solutions I think I would stop expressing them to your family- try to talk these feelings through with your husband instead.

Good luck

Braking the cycle doesn't always mean cutting all ties. My father was the alcoholic and my mother was the co-dependent. I have a relationship with my family but I set boundaries and keep setting new ones when needed. What I am asking is this boundary of not wanting them to tell me their advice unreasonable? I don't think so.

I think that they are probably just trying to be helpful.
I’ve found that men in particular (especially my father!) misunderstand when you are just having a moan - they think that you want a solution.
Anyway, you are over thinking this.
Rather ironically - it sounds like you are seeking a solution from us!

Asking for advice is different than Someone giving unsolicited advice.

After your difficult childhood, you have done well to navigate and build your relationships with your family members.
If ‘unsolicited advice’ is the worst of your problems, you’ve done really well

Thank you!

You’re welcome!

People have different approaches to someone who shares issues with them. Some will listen, most will try to make a suggestion, others are fixers. Your family come into one of the two later categories. I think you might need to accept that they are maybe not the right people to share your issues with. Someone else with a different style might be. You're not the asshole, but I think you need to adjust your expectations of your family. They aren't the kind of listener you are wanting and that's a mismatch of styles.

I wouldn’t go to them for advice. It is not their ‘thing’ and you will only get upset. Try someone independent outside your family who you can trust. Good luck.

They won’t understand where you are coming from because to you they caused the issues you are having.
Unless you want them to apologise for their behaviour ( an unlikely scenario) I don’t understand what you want from them, they will probably just tell you to get over it.

Obviously you want an ongoing relationship with them, but that will be difficult, so as others have said, concentrate on your own family and keep conversations with your parents and siblings to a minimum. You can still have a relationship with them but not on the level you seem to want.

What I am asking is this boundary of not wanting them to tell me their advice unreasonable? I don't think so

No itsnot unreasonable. It is entirely uour choice who you ask for advice from. And if they give e unsolicited advice just say "I'll think about that!" or "OK. Food for thought!" then change the subject. It does t matter if you don't actually think about it, that's up to you.

If you respond with disagreement or are triggered into defensiveness then you are just repeating the cycle of "your assigned role" in the family! Don't waste energy on that!

First of all Char if you're a new poster then welcome to GN.

I agree with Fanny you've done well to break the cycle and to have built a life for yourself after such a difficult and what must have been at times traumatic childhood.

It must be very hard to feel you can't air your thoughts and feelings with your own family, especially your mum. That said, it doesn't look as if this is ever going to change so now to break the cycle even further, you need to stop seeking something you're never going to have.

That doesn't mean cutting all ties, it means keeping your conversations light and not talking about the things that gets
the response that makes you feel you're not an adult, and incapable of fixing your own problems.

You are and are more than capable. Look at what you've already managed to achieve. Look back and see how far you have come, then look forward and see how far you can go .

Thank you for the support!

As far as I can see you have 2 solutions:

1. Don't talk about these issue with your wider family because you just trigger advice.
2. Talk about these issues with your wider family but just take the advice which is good and ignore the rest.

You have obviously done well to realise the dynamics of your family and to move away from the cycle of abuse without going no-contact. However, the downside of keeping contact is that they are not people it is easy to set in place the boundaries you need for a healthy relationship. I think you need another place to vent your problems, say, a good friend because your family is strongly embedded in their values.
You are not an asshole but you are expecting too much from people who just don't get it.

OP

Why are you asking your family to be different than they currently are?

They will never be the supporting and respectful family that you deserve