Paternal grandparenting

Best wishes to you, babyl

Baby1 I don’t think that it’s the norm, just that the subject seems to crop up a lot on Gransnet, it’s very sad.
I too thought that the thread was diverted by the abuse accusations , there was also another poster, who changes her story depending on what thread she is on, I suspect that, like you, she is trying to make the thread unrecognisable to family who might look at it. But of course it makes other Gransnetters suspicious. I really hope your situation improves.

Thank you so much!

Baby1, "I didn’t think paternal grandparents would be treated any different, as this is my first grandchild. I now realize based on our treatment, and your comments that it is the norm."

I do not think there tp be a norm. Personal preference and parenting style is what these differences amount to, in my experience. You said you see your gc every 2-3 weeks? Sounds reasonable and more than many people. Good luck.

Glad you have decided to take the pragmatic approach.

Just this week I have heard from a friend about a wedding where his family are being left out in favour of hers. I have suggested that they just have to accept it too. Its going to be hard for his mother as he is an only child.

nonnie that’s sad. I just don’t understand.

'They are not married. She got pregnant shortly after moving in with him. Another reason I felt it was ok to ask my son to discuss a family matter without her present was because they were not married and if she knew our family better, that may have been different.'

And you LIKE her? Really?!
Really hope you didn't say that to your son because, my god that stung.
SHE didn't get pregnant, THEY got pregnant after THEY moved into together.
She's not classed as 'family' to you because they aren't married and you don't know why you don't get to spend more time with them?

It makes sense now what your son said about leaving your DIL out.

I generally dont give advice ..people will do what they want in the end.However I will offer you a piece of advice.IF this young woman ..your sons partner..the mother of your GC is who your son wants to spend HIS life with then you MUST accept her as a member of your family.Anything else would simply be saying you may have brought him up ..but not to have a mind of his own or make his own decisions .She is his choice so offer her your help and support the same as you would a biological daughter .It has always worked for us .

Baby, I am deeply sorry I caused your thread to go off on a tangent. I stopped posting on it for exactly that reason but the damage was already done. My sincerest apologies.

Of course I didn’t say that to my son. His gf does not include him in her families discussions,and he hasn’t been included in many things. Several vacations she and the baby went on with her family without him, as well as many weekend lunches and get togethers with her family. That’s why I thought nothing of it. But, like I said, I now know I was wrong based on comments. Sorry for the wording you didn’t like. Yes, they created a baby but I wouldn’t say they got pregnant, as Only a woman can. I said she moved in, as she moved into his house. Why do you try ti find fault in everything someone says?

don’t

The above message was intended for violet floss

Gummy bear, no problem, and I wish you all the best. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can pm me.

PAddyann we have all accepted her. We have included her in absolutely everything we have done. We have offered to help her and babysit whenever she needs anything. She knows we would be there in 5 seconds if she needed us, because we have always done that. Thank you for the advice.

If he works and she's a SAHM, maybe that's why she has more time on her hands than him. Maybe he doesn't mind her doing these things.
Did you say they do more things with her side? As a family?

If you don't view her as family, which I'd bet my last penny she picks up on, as does he, so that comment he made now makes sense about excluding her.

viokefloss have you ever met with you son or daughter alone to discuss a family matter? I’m sure you and everyone else had. That would not mean you are excluding someone from the family.

“They are not married. She got pregnant shortly after moving in with him.”

She did not just get pregnant. HE impregnated her shortly after she moved in with him.

“Another reason I felt it was ok to ask my son to discuss a family matter without her present was because they were not married and if she knew our family better, that may have been different. I asked for an hour with my son alone to discuss some family matters and asked if he could bring Grandson with, as I hadn’t seen him in awhile.”

Discuss a family matter? Whose family? Yours or the NUCLEAR family that HE has now created with HER?
Why should she know your family better for things to be different? Had you known her family better, would things also have been different?

Seems more like a divide and conquer strategy to me; something most MIL are very notorious of doing. Interfering and meddling in their AC households. An issue that does not concern a man his wife and his child, should not be of concern to others. In the event that it is, it should be discussed with BOTH members of that household. Not trying to exclude the mother to the child, by only inviting your Son and HER child, in an attempt to control your son into submission.

Moving on. It was a private matter in my extended family. I love your Generlized MIL comment, I can tell you aren’t one, and haven’t experienced anything that would hurt you. I’m happy for you. However, You should read the other posts before you reply as your repeating things that were already clarified.

'viokefloss have you ever met with you son or daughter alone to discuss a family matter? '

No.
My 2 DDs are still very small.

However, in 20 years time, if they had a partner who they had a house and a child with and something important needed discussing I'd be under the impression they would then share it with said partner.
So there's no point in excluding the partner in the first place.

His partner is his family. Married or not.

Well it’s hard to know how you’ll feel when theyre older then. If one is having some issues and you want to talk with your other daughter about it privately, and she says only if I bring my husband, then you’ll know what it’s like. Look at you little ones and think about how you would feel if you wanted to talk to one of them when you needed advice or comfort and they said only if my husband can come. Sometimes you should be able to be alone with your child. I asked for 1 Hour alone since they’ve been together, I really didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

baby1 I sometimes think being a mother in law is fraught with danger. Often we are in the damned if we do and damned if we don’t position and yes if we generalise I do think there are more eggshells for the mother of sons. Of course others will disagree, but that’s fine, we can all have our own opinions.

You aren’t wrong to want to spend time with your son and his child, but the reality is he has his own family and those I’m moments just can’t be manipulated. If it is his choice then that’s fine, otherwise he comes as a package with his partner.

Please don’t be hurt, it just takes time to be accustomed to. On the positive side you do have regular contact, try to make the most of it, maybe suggest something you can all do together. There will be times you are with your son and his partner is elsewhere but please don’t try to force them, let those times happen as they do. Try to be positive, enjoy the time you have with them all and maybe relax a little and just see what happens.

And in all honesty, neither do I but the comment about them not being married stuck out for me. You dont class her as family and maybe that stuck out for him too.
Also maybe he didn't think it was that much of a personal problem?

Example, if I needed to talk to My older DD about a private/personal matter, I wouldn't do it in public over breakfast with my baby grandson.

If I needed to talk to anyone about anything like that I'd do it in private.

Maybe he's wanting to include her in the family discussion because she is family.

Corner gran thank you for the advice and support. I appreciate it.

Violet floss, I agree. I asked him to come here first, and later asked about meeting halfway so it could be less time.