Good morning! I am sorry I had the other post taken down for a few different reasons. Although several of the replies were hurtful and nasty, that was not why I had it removed. A few of you were correct in realizing I started out saying grandson and later switched to granddaughter. After I posted, I became paranoid that somehow the other grandma or my son’s gf could be reading this. I tried to switch it to read granddaughter just to make it seem different. And yes, I said gf just now and in the original post wife. They are not married. She got pregnant shortly after moving in with him. Another reason I felt it was ok to ask my son to discuss a family matter without her present was because they were not married and if she knew our family better, that may have been different. I asked for an hour with my son alone to discuss some family matters and asked if he could bring Grandson with, as I hadn’t seen him in awhile. Most comments said I shouldn’t have invited him without her. I will remember that the next time. The main reason I had the post deleted was that someone else had a side topic going on about abuse. People thought that was part of my situation and were sending me private messages. That wasn’t part of the post. I really do appreciate all the comments I got, even the negative ones as it opened my eyes. I didn’t think paternal grandparents would be treated any different, as this is my first grandchild. I now realize based on our treatment, and your comments that it is the norm. That I should request no more alone time with son and expect way less time with gs than other gp and I shouldn’t be jealous. So although I am extremely hurt, and it will take counseling, I will accept it and move on. Again, I apologize for removing other post and thank you for all the replies to it.
Less time for him to be gone that is
Baby1
Kindly don't take this personal. It's not. You mentioned that you are extremely hurt. I honestly hope that things get better for you. I'll leave you with one last and long advice that may hopefully aid in you regain control of your own happiness.
EVERYONE grows to be their OWN person. As a result, we ALL grow up having our OWN dreams, hopes, beliefs, fears and emotions etc. Respect is therefore a key factor, for anyone hoping to maintain a healthy relationship - with another individual who just like you, has ALSO grown up to be their OWN person. Some people experience a form of deep emotional pain (uncontrollable) that’s intentionally caused by another person. Others, experience a form of deep emotional pain (controllable), based off their set, but UNMET EXPECTATIONS in life. Such unmet expectations are derived from a perceived form of happiness. One highly anticipates that ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL, whom we have no control over, and has also grown to be their own person - will suddenly change in a manner that either accommodates your expectations, or adapt into a tradition of already set expectations.
Again, such pain is controllable only because this form of emotional pain is NOT caused by this other person. This deep pain that you feel SOLELY originates from the set, but unmet expectations, you had from the other person/people. Your hurting because their expectations do not mirror yours. Then one starts to feel jealous, hurt and betrayed. Such feelings are often followed by grief, anger and feelings of revenge. Eventually one feels the need to take matters into their own hands - and tries to compete with others, and make their “dominant,” presence known. When all fails, they try to exclude their perceived target, by controlling and manipulative tactics – thinking that this would be the last resort to having their unmet expectations met.
Your happiness will come with a CHANGE IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS. People may/will never change, their priorities. Their expectations may never mirror yours. If anything they may eventually see you as a nuisance or a threat to their own set of EXPECTATIONS, and simply cut you off. Then what? How often do we stop, step back for just a minute and ask ourselves how much we really EXPECT from another person? How much more happiness can I (ME not them) derive, if I changed MY own expectations? Take control of your happiness, take control of your set expectations, and make yourself happy.
I’m glad you learned from this experience, and understood that an invitation that excludes certain family members for, “It was a private matter in my extended family,” doesn’t have to include another woman’s child, while excluding their very own mother; whom by the look of your books isn’t even considered “family?” If you can’t change your expectations, try and learn to respect expectations that don’t, or no-longer mirror yours. Wish you all the best in your journey to happiness. Remember to focus your energy on people who genuinely RECIPROCATE the care and love you show unto them.
Moving on thank you, are you s counselor? You should be. I appreciate all that you said! Thank you!
If I wanted to discuss a private family matter with my children I would do so even though I get on with their partners very well. They may well tell their partners at some point but I can't control that. ( the there are some family skeleton s that have come out of the cupboard but out of respect for the dead I will share only with my children)
Seasiders you should be able to do that! I’m sure there partners do as well.
Movingon, your post made so much sense, that’s obviously why some people have an easy transition when their DCs leave home and make their own way in the world, marry and start a family and others seem to be unable to function and appear to be obsessed and paranoid.
I always thought it was a mother/son thing and that’s why I couldnt understand it.
Baby1, sorry,
please don’t think I mean that you are obsessed or paranoid, but there have been so many posts lately from MILs and they are all so similar in their content and they all seem devastated about things that others regard as normal.
Some others,
crikey I should go onto the thread about putting your foot in it!
MovingOn2018, Brilliant.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
