Surprising DNA results.

You could meet and not divulge anyones contact details, but for her at least I imagine meeting you would be a start.

But how would that work in practice?

It would be wrong to share info about the cousins parents and siblings if the parents and siblings werent on board with the connection being made...
.... but then doesnt that sort of make the meeting defunct? If the whole purpose of this stranger wanting to meet is to find out about their family from you?

About ten years ago a close friend of mine was contacted out of the blue by an organisation which helped adopted children look for family. They said there was a lady who believed she was her cousin and would she agree to contact. My friend agreed and was given the information before the meeting that this person was the child of her aunt who my friend had only ever known as the archetypal ‘maiden lady’ who was also ‘a bit funny’
It transpired that she had had a baby during the war to a Polish soldier who never knew of her pregnancy. She was spirited away somewhere by her parents and returned after the baby, who was never spoken about, was born. The lady had had a happy life with her adopted parents who had emigrated to Australia but just wanted to know her background. It was probably fortunate that her birth mother had died so my friend was able to tell her truthfully that her mother had never really recovered from having to give her up. It was so sad to think of how that had affected her mother but my friend and her cousin have a wonderful friendship which has included many meetings both here an Australia. Good luck with your decision

Notanan2. I agree....noone should give out personal contact details in any situation, without that person's permission. It may be in time the siblings do contact their half sister and just need time. She has specifically asked for contact with baubles and it would, for the time being, be a step in the right direction. She is also baubles first cousin, so she has a right to meet her.

I guess in that case ground rules need to be set prior to the meeting. Like "I am happy to meet you if you would like to get to know me, but I wont be comfortable answering any questions about other family members, let me know if that is okay with you and if you would still like to meet"
?????

I would arrange to meet her if I were in your shoes.

However, if she broaches the subject of getting in touch either with the man she thinks is her father, or with your cousin who has not replied to her, tell her kindly that you understand her wanting to meet them, but you cannot take it upon yourself to try to arrange a meeting.

That she needs to do herself, and accept that they may have no interest in meeting her.

It's a difficult ethical question, isn't it? If her mother never told the young man who she became pregnant by that there was a child, it could be argued that one should respect that decision, but on the other hand it is natural for anyone to want to know their father and his side of her family. I don't know what the right answer is, but I hope you and your cousin meet and like each other.

I have been researching for many years too but have not done the DNA test and have not met with your problem. I have met with unknown cousins and have had mainly positive outcomes. If it were me in your situation I would be forever thinking was I wrong if I didn't at least contact her and find out what she hopes for from meeting you.

When it was me, the meeting was arranged without me knowing, they had travelled to meet me but I didnt know this till the 3rd party was "introducing" us face to face.

Which was fine as there wasnt a traumatic history or anything, but it didnt give me a chance to gauge their expectations and maybe manage them in advance like I could have done if I had had a message/email first.

If they had contacted me first I would probably have discouraged them because I am very much of the point of view that "family" is nurture not nature, but I had nothing against meeting them. As an aquaintance. Not as a family member though.

They hugged me instantly. Which p***ed me off slighly. I had given them a polite greeting but no more enthusiastic than any other stranger.

AAAAnd it went downhill from there. They seemed to want to skip the getting to know each other bit and jump straight to being "family"
I didn't. It became awkward.

They actually probably did feel they knew me better than I knew them as they had been asking other people about me prior to meeting. Whereas I had no real intetest in them. I felt "studied" actually. Which was weird and off putting.

I tried to pull it back to aquaintance who I was willing to get to know, but didnt yet have a connection with. They took this as total rejection and NC.

So. Tread respectfully. Of each other and of others privacy.

As you don't know this person, make sure that the first time you meet her it's in a public place - all the usual stuff about meeting strangers. Could you take someone with you? I would definitely meet up with her - you need to explain about the rest of the family and, if she starts to pressurise you about them, then you'll need to be firm (it has to be their decision). How exciting!

You misunderstood my intention notanan2 - as a family historian, I am really happy to meet new extended family members, to explore shared history. I have a wonderful social circle so have no need for more.

I feel as if I have just woken up, I am married to a narcissist and I mean that in the medical sense. I have spent 47 years waiting for my charming caring, thoughtful husband, you know the one he tells everyone he is, to turn up FOR ME, guess what I have never actually met him. I am posting for the first time because I am scared to rock the boat because on past experiences he would lose everything rather than put me into the mix. If there is a troll out there who wants to get involved in this just ask I will introduce you to him and gladly watch you go down and down and down!

Through ancestry my first cousin found me after our fathers were separated 92 years ago! She came to Australia to visit me for a month last year and we face to face on Messenger each Saturday night. Real joy! Then I found my husband's cousin the same way. She had been searching for him for years and was overjoyed when I made contact, and we remain in contact with phone calls etc. After many years in Africa she had returned to the UK. So my thought is that there is no harm in making contact if you feel you want to, the other person is your relative too.

What a can of worms! I have a friend who, when in her 60s, 'discovered' that she had a sister and a brother. She and her brother (who she has never met) were both adopted, but her sister stayed with her mother. She met up with her sister but found that they had absolutely nothing in common, and the sister resented my friend who was adopted by a quite wealthy family and had every advantage in childhood, whilst her sister had very little. Her sister has now cut her off completely. Just because you are related, doesn't mean you will hit it off and become good friends.

I would say be cautious.

Thanks so so much to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply. I appreciate all your opinions and advice.

My gut instinct is to meet her as she has done nothing wrong and I think it’s natural that she would want to seek out close relations. Whether we would actually have any thing common or hit it off is unknowable at the moment.

However, and this is a stumbling block for me, I think I’d feel duplicitous seeing her without my cousin knowing and being ok with that. If we were to meet I think I’d have to make it clear that I couldn’t discuss my cousin and his family.

I’m still torn though, so for the time being I’m going to take things slowly and give my cousin more time. He may be discussing it with his siblings or even his parents for all I know. We are in touch through Facebook, and messenger occasionally, but it certainly isn’t my place to broach the subject with any of them.

I’m coming around to thinking that I’d like to meet her but not immediately as all of this has happened just in the last few months and I’d like the initial excitement (on her part and mine) to calm down a little first.

baubles I am glad you are being a bit wary, I am sure this is better than diving in. I expect you will be discussing it with your cousin again so you could mention you are thinking of meeting and see the reaction. Our experience, which I have mentioned before, didn't work out well after we gave some family information, always known to us, which the other party didn't know and couldn't accept, so good luck.

Sounds like a good approach.

I do wonder if things would have gone differently with my relative had others not excitedly filled them in so much.

It was disconcerting meeting someone who was a stranger to me but who had built up a picture of me from others that made them feel like they knew me and my family already. It made for an unbalanced dynamic and unbalanced expectations. I was meeting them from zero (I had known they existed but had never "researched" them), their starting point was different: head full of ideas of who I was and what it would be like to be "reunited".
It was a missmatch from the start.

If your cousin does want a relationship with this person in the future you are doing a favour by leaving it up to them to "present" who they are themselves IYKWIM.