Surprising DNA results.

Thanks to the internet my English family made contact with cousins whose Mum ( my aunty), had died soon after emigrating to Australia.
We have met up several times in England, and thanks to their amazing hospitality I had a wonderful holiday in Australia. I love them all!
Maybe friendships won't always work, but when they do it can be magical.
Best Wishes x

oh I would definitely meet up

All I know is that blood is most definitely not thicker than water. All the best relationships in our funny family are down to those who wanted to form them and nurture them. I am not counselling against it but a cousin relationship is not that close and it would be easier for you to keep your emotional distance. There are people closer than you who could have their lives upset so be discrete and perhaps a disinterested 'chaperone' might be helpful at any meetings.

Contact her and tell her this is a rather strange and slightly awkward situation for you so you'd prefer to take things slowly. Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch somewhere (not your home) so that you can first decide whether she seems genuine, and whether you actually like her and want to know her better. You can then exchange family history anecdotes and selected information and think about whether you want to accept her as part of the family. You don't have to tell the rest of your family about her unless it should become necessary.

That is pretty much what I did when I was contacted by an unknown cousin in America. Fifteen years on we are still in contact and good friends.

I sometimes wonder when long lost families 'find' each other if they remain friends, or do they later discover they don't have much in common or don't even like each other!

Take it carefully - and let us know what happens.

I would be wary. Be prepared beforehand for a good outcome or a bad outcome. Once you open Pandora's box its very hard to close it again. I say this as someone who was adopted and had just submitted by DNA to Ancestry but I wouldn't rush into getting in contact with anyone if they contacted me. You don't know what you are getting yourself into

I would be careful, as someone said Pandora's box and all that. I was contacted by a cousin of my husbands and quite honestly I felt I was being stalked and nagged into giving her information. She wanted to meet up with my husband who isn't remotely interested in his family tree. Then badgered to introduce her to other family members, which I didn't, and provide photos which I didn't have.

Definitely meet up. I have been doing my family history for about 35 years now and have met lots of cousins, and found out some wonderful things for my trees. I suggest you meet in a public place and ask her to bring her paperwork to you so you can check it out. Test the water! Exciting. Good luck.

NanaSuzy, I agree with you. I think the electronic social world tends to ignite our imaginations and inspire our hopes but reality is not the same. A first meeting would probably go well. But like you, I would be very wary. Even if this is a true blood relative, there could be problems. I think loyalty to your Aunt and Uncle in their old age is important too.

omegal , I absolutely agree! An older member of my family had a baby adopted. I opted think of this child and hope they never try to find their birth mother. The shock would be horrendous. I really mean it. That family is nothing but distress and trouble.

So to all adopted people I would say, especially if you had a happy upbringing and loving family, leave well alone. The birth parent may have strong reasons for not having been able to keep you. Your adoptive parents are your true parents because they yearned for you and sought you and had you in their hearts even before they met you. Do not clutter up your life with looking backwards, you were meant for the loving parents who raised you.

go for it. You can draw up a tree together, and you can use the info to ask your Dad more about the cousins, if you show him the tree, if he says positive things about them, maybe thats a way in, if he says negative things, well depends what it was. Might be that they moved away and just didn't have much contact
And get your DNA done! Dad's too if you can get him interested

How reliable do you think these commercial DNA companies are? On a US chat show two identical twins took commercial DNA tests and got significantly different results.

I would personally steer well clear of commercial DNA companies and would not act on results that relatives who are stupid enough to PAY a company to gather their DNA data have recieved.

The raw DNA data is the goldmine. These companies arent thorough with how they interpret it to you and how they present your results back to you.

Also agree that these connections arent always positive, and not all estrangements were un-justified.

E.g. it is not uncommon for apparent family men to father other children through rape, there may have been good reason why a half sibling was hiden away, and if their mother is frail and elderly and perhaps unable to object, dont assume that surprise reunions will be happy for them..

The estrangements I know of from my parents and grandparents generations were for "reasons". I am not sure how much people really want to know? Would the grandchild of that great uncle who tracked us down and wants to fill in the gaps really want to know that the reason for the estrangement was paedophillia and incest?

I have been tracked down by a close relative who I did agree to meet but there was a drastic miss-match in expectations and I found them very full on and ended up pulling away. They wanted "instant family" and I just say them as a stranger who I happened to be related to but was happy to get to know, from scratch though. Not from a starting point of assuming we would be instantly close.

I also have a cousin whose mother chose estrangement from the family for justified reasons at the time. The father was young and "off the rails" at the time.

Does that cousin really need to know that their mother was "wrong" because the father DID clean up his act in time for his subsequent children? (But not her)? No, I dont think so. I think her mother did what she thought was right at the time. I dont think it would be of any comfort to her to find out that her dad bothered to get clean for his other partner and kids, after not bothering for her and her mum. There is no going back in time now..

There is just too much to unravel there. I would never track down that cousin even if I happened to cross paths with them and recognised them by their name and age.

We have made contact with and met up with various cousins that were only found following family history research. And it has overall been a joyous thing.

We cannot change the past so why not explore. And if we open old secrets, surely as long as we are sensitive to those who could be impacted, and we recognize the frailty of human nature, we will meet new people and open up new horizons.

After all, we don't need to be closely linked to people we may not share anything with apart from DNA.

Gently and sensitively does it, and have fun.

Similarly I have heard many unhappy adoption reunion stories

Adoption is different because there often IS a need to find out ones roots. So it IS often the right thing to do. But it is still so often problematic. So why open potential traumas unnecessarily when the relation is just a cousin? You dont NEED to meet cousins in the way an adoptee may have a need to meet birth parents

PennyWhistle if the aim is just to meet new people and widen your social circle, there are many other ways to do that surely?

My cousin who'd done extensive work tracing our family sadly died last August but the legacy he left was unimaginable in his quest to find relatives. Our GF married twice so there were lots of other half-siblings dotted around this country and the rest of the world.
My new half-cousin in New York had photo's of my mum in her younger years that I'd never seen, plus a photo of my grannie ( who I never knew ) pictured with her mother ( my great-grannie ) I treasure this photo-copy more than anything which is framed and in the hall.

Cousin and his wife visited many of our relatives in Oz and New Zealand and got a brilliant reception all round. On his last travels to Southend on Sea to meet one of our grannie's offspring, our cousin sadly died not long after as she'd suffered ill-health, but I have lots of pics and information on mum's side of the family.
I feel fortunate in having pics of 6 generations of family to date.

I don’t comment very often on these forums but I enjoy following them and I find that I learn a lot! But I feel very strongly about this subject so this is what I think.

Some of the replies make me feel sad at a lack of understanding for the adoptee who is searching for answers to a most basic need, to know who they are and where they came from.

It also makes me even more grateful to my wonderful birth family for the welcome and genuine pleasure they continue to show at discovering another cousin.

In answer to your question baubles, no it wouldn’t be wrong to accept her and possibly build a relationship with her. If other members of the family don’t wish to engage with her then that’s their right.

Times have changed. In my case I find that times have definitely changed for the better. I am no longer a dirty little secret to be hidden away and not mentioned.

Another important consideration is medical history. My birth mother passed away at the age of 59 of a heart attack. Because I had this information I was able to decide with my GP whether statins would be necessary. Medical history is also important for my children to know.

Good luck baubles and if I can help in any way please message me

Shesanana I agree for child-parent connections, but it doesnt really apply to cousins IMO. And if a patent doesnt want to meet their child or someone doesnt want to meet their sibling, then cousins should butt out and leave them to it (or not)

Cousins are unlikely to know the truth or the consequences.

I once felt obliged to tell someone that they had a half sibling as their paths were about to meet. I was told in no uncertain terms that they had always known, and there was good reason for the estrangement and to stay out of it.

I respected that, I just didnt think they knew and due to circumstances thought they should.

I dont see what good can come from a cousin overriding this to meet a relativd who is a stranger to them anyway and not immediate family

I agree with notanan2. A potential cousin relationship is quite different to a parent/child one and families are complicated things. As my dear Mum used to say....no one knows what goes on behind closed doors'....certainly few people in my early life understood the dynamics of our strained upbringing and I would not have thanked anyone who told me how to have a relationship with a certain very very close blood relation. Take care and remember curiosity is a fine thing but sometimes you are just not meant to know things.

You are obviously giving it a lot of thought so it doesn’t seem likely you will be pushed in to anything you are not comfortable with. I think I would like to chat on the phone first to check you are on the same wavelength and, if all seems well, arrange to meet up for a coffee in town.

A lot more chance you will gain from the experience as long as you are aware of potential pitfalls. Shame to be so cautious that your life becomes dull and boringly predictable.

I started researching my family history 50 years ago - back in the good old days of paper only records! I have found several 'mystery' children over the decades, as previous replies has said, it just wasn't talked about then (this included one relative who went away in the Great War, didn't come home for two years and who had one extra child when he returned. Apparently nothing was said and they just picked up and carried on and stayed married and together until his wife passed away many years later. It is more common than you think and DNA testing is only just starting to reveal the truth of this. I would meet with your new relative and see how it goes. I was unaware I had a female cousin on my Dad' s side of the family, only finding out accidentally as a result of something else, and was so sorry to find she was in very poor health and passed away very soon after we made contact. I wish we had had more time to talk about family and to get to know each other.

Do you follow Holby City on TV? One of the doctors. Dom, has recently been told by his adoptive mother that he was adopted. This appalled him to the point where he has more or less abandoned her (and she is a lovely caring lady). Strangely enough his real mother is working as a doctor in the same hospital and so is his half-sister. Its all very complicated. His real mother has now told him to consider his adoptive mother as his proper mother as she has looked after him since he was a baby. The adoptive mother has been in tears at times as he ignores her... so sad.
I have an adopted cousin who tracked down his real mother and they met and just did not hit it off at all.
Despite what other Grans have said, a cousin is a close relative. After all, they have one set of grandparents in common with you.
Meet up! Otherwise it will haunt you all your life.

I think you should meet up with her. After all when we join Ancestry and submit our DNA, we are to a certain extent putting our information out there to be read and seen by other members, at least.

It's something I have thought about before as I could possibly be in a similar position if my adopted cousin were ever to contact me (as far as I know I'm the only one of my family to have my DNA tested). I would imagine she would be curious to know her birth family and have her DNA tested. I know I would if I never new my birth family

You could meet and not divulge anyones contact details, but for her at least I imagine meeting you would be a start.