Surprising DNA results.

Sounds like a good approach.

I do wonder if things would have gone differently with my relative had others not excitedly filled them in so much.

It was disconcerting meeting someone who was a stranger to me but who had built up a picture of me from others that made them feel like they knew me and my family already. It made for an unbalanced dynamic and unbalanced expectations. I was meeting them from zero (I had known they existed but had never "researched" them), their starting point was different: head full of ideas of who I was and what it would be like to be "reunited".
It was a missmatch from the start.

If your cousin does want a relationship with this person in the future you are doing a favour by leaving it up to them to "present" who they are themselves IYKWIM.

baubles I am glad you are being a bit wary, I am sure this is better than diving in. I expect you will be discussing it with your cousin again so you could mention you are thinking of meeting and see the reaction. Our experience, which I have mentioned before, didn't work out well after we gave some family information, always known to us, which the other party didn't know and couldn't accept, so good luck.

Thanks so so much to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply. I appreciate all your opinions and advice.

My gut instinct is to meet her as she has done nothing wrong and I think it’s natural that she would want to seek out close relations. Whether we would actually have any thing common or hit it off is unknowable at the moment.

However, and this is a stumbling block for me, I think I’d feel duplicitous seeing her without my cousin knowing and being ok with that. If we were to meet I think I’d have to make it clear that I couldn’t discuss my cousin and his family.

I’m still torn though, so for the time being I’m going to take things slowly and give my cousin more time. He may be discussing it with his siblings or even his parents for all I know. We are in touch through Facebook, and messenger occasionally, but it certainly isn’t my place to broach the subject with any of them.

I’m coming around to thinking that I’d like to meet her but not immediately as all of this has happened just in the last few months and I’d like the initial excitement (on her part and mine) to calm down a little first.

What a can of worms! I have a friend who, when in her 60s, 'discovered' that she had a sister and a brother. She and her brother (who she has never met) were both adopted, but her sister stayed with her mother. She met up with her sister but found that they had absolutely nothing in common, and the sister resented my friend who was adopted by a quite wealthy family and had every advantage in childhood, whilst her sister had very little. Her sister has now cut her off completely. Just because you are related, doesn't mean you will hit it off and become good friends.

I would say be cautious.

Through ancestry my first cousin found me after our fathers were separated 92 years ago! She came to Australia to visit me for a month last year and we face to face on Messenger each Saturday night. Real joy! Then I found my husband's cousin the same way. She had been searching for him for years and was overjoyed when I made contact, and we remain in contact with phone calls etc. After many years in Africa she had returned to the UK. So my thought is that there is no harm in making contact if you feel you want to, the other person is your relative too.

I feel as if I have just woken up, I am married to a narcissist and I mean that in the medical sense. I have spent 47 years waiting for my charming caring, thoughtful husband, you know the one he tells everyone he is, to turn up FOR ME, guess what I have never actually met him. I am posting for the first time because I am scared to rock the boat because on past experiences he would lose everything rather than put me into the mix. If there is a troll out there who wants to get involved in this just ask I will introduce you to him and gladly watch you go down and down and down!

You misunderstood my intention notanan2 - as a family historian, I am really happy to meet new extended family members, to explore shared history. I have a wonderful social circle so have no need for more.

As you don't know this person, make sure that the first time you meet her it's in a public place - all the usual stuff about meeting strangers. Could you take someone with you? I would definitely meet up with her - you need to explain about the rest of the family and, if she starts to pressurise you about them, then you'll need to be firm (it has to be their decision). How exciting!

When it was me, the meeting was arranged without me knowing, they had travelled to meet me but I didnt know this till the 3rd party was "introducing" us face to face.

Which was fine as there wasnt a traumatic history or anything, but it didnt give me a chance to gauge their expectations and maybe manage them in advance like I could have done if I had had a message/email first.

If they had contacted me first I would probably have discouraged them because I am very much of the point of view that "family" is nurture not nature, but I had nothing against meeting them. As an aquaintance. Not as a family member though.

They hugged me instantly. Which p***ed me off slighly. I had given them a polite greeting but no more enthusiastic than any other stranger.

AAAAnd it went downhill from there. They seemed to want to skip the getting to know each other bit and jump straight to being "family"
I didn't. It became awkward.

They actually probably did feel they knew me better than I knew them as they had been asking other people about me prior to meeting. Whereas I had no real intetest in them. I felt "studied" actually. Which was weird and off putting.

I tried to pull it back to aquaintance who I was willing to get to know, but didnt yet have a connection with. They took this as total rejection and NC.

So. Tread respectfully. Of each other and of others privacy.

I have been researching for many years too but have not done the DNA test and have not met with your problem. I have met with unknown cousins and have had mainly positive outcomes. If it were me in your situation I would be forever thinking was I wrong if I didn't at least contact her and find out what she hopes for from meeting you.

I would arrange to meet her if I were in your shoes.

However, if she broaches the subject of getting in touch either with the man she thinks is her father, or with your cousin who has not replied to her, tell her kindly that you understand her wanting to meet them, but you cannot take it upon yourself to try to arrange a meeting.

That she needs to do herself, and accept that they may have no interest in meeting her.

It's a difficult ethical question, isn't it? If her mother never told the young man who she became pregnant by that there was a child, it could be argued that one should respect that decision, but on the other hand it is natural for anyone to want to know their father and his side of her family. I don't know what the right answer is, but I hope you and your cousin meet and like each other.

I guess in that case ground rules need to be set prior to the meeting. Like "I am happy to meet you if you would like to get to know me, but I wont be comfortable answering any questions about other family members, let me know if that is okay with you and if you would still like to meet"
?????

Notanan2. I agree....noone should give out personal contact details in any situation, without that person's permission. It may be in time the siblings do contact their half sister and just need time. She has specifically asked for contact with baubles and it would, for the time being, be a step in the right direction. She is also baubles first cousin, so she has a right to meet her.

About ten years ago a close friend of mine was contacted out of the blue by an organisation which helped adopted children look for family. They said there was a lady who believed she was her cousin and would she agree to contact. My friend agreed and was given the information before the meeting that this person was the child of her aunt who my friend had only ever known as the archetypal ‘maiden lady’ who was also ‘a bit funny’
It transpired that she had had a baby during the war to a Polish soldier who never knew of her pregnancy. She was spirited away somewhere by her parents and returned after the baby, who was never spoken about, was born. The lady had had a happy life with her adopted parents who had emigrated to Australia but just wanted to know her background. It was probably fortunate that her birth mother had died so my friend was able to tell her truthfully that her mother had never really recovered from having to give her up. It was so sad to think of how that had affected her mother but my friend and her cousin have a wonderful friendship which has included many meetings both here an Australia. Good luck with your decision

You could meet and not divulge anyones contact details, but for her at least I imagine meeting you would be a start.

But how would that work in practice?

It would be wrong to share info about the cousins parents and siblings if the parents and siblings werent on board with the connection being made...
.... but then doesnt that sort of make the meeting defunct? If the whole purpose of this stranger wanting to meet is to find out about their family from you?

I think you should meet up with her. After all when we join Ancestry and submit our DNA, we are to a certain extent putting our information out there to be read and seen by other members, at least.

It's something I have thought about before as I could possibly be in a similar position if my adopted cousin were ever to contact me (as far as I know I'm the only one of my family to have my DNA tested). I would imagine she would be curious to know her birth family and have her DNA tested. I know I would if I never new my birth family

You could meet and not divulge anyones contact details, but for her at least I imagine meeting you would be a start.

Do you follow Holby City on TV? One of the doctors. Dom, has recently been told by his adoptive mother that he was adopted. This appalled him to the point where he has more or less abandoned her (and she is a lovely caring lady). Strangely enough his real mother is working as a doctor in the same hospital and so is his half-sister. Its all very complicated. His real mother has now told him to consider his adoptive mother as his proper mother as she has looked after him since he was a baby. The adoptive mother has been in tears at times as he ignores her... so sad.
I have an adopted cousin who tracked down his real mother and they met and just did not hit it off at all.
Despite what other Grans have said, a cousin is a close relative. After all, they have one set of grandparents in common with you.
Meet up! Otherwise it will haunt you all your life.

I started researching my family history 50 years ago - back in the good old days of paper only records! I have found several 'mystery' children over the decades, as previous replies has said, it just wasn't talked about then (this included one relative who went away in the Great War, didn't come home for two years and who had one extra child when he returned. Apparently nothing was said and they just picked up and carried on and stayed married and together until his wife passed away many years later. It is more common than you think and DNA testing is only just starting to reveal the truth of this. I would meet with your new relative and see how it goes. I was unaware I had a female cousin on my Dad' s side of the family, only finding out accidentally as a result of something else, and was so sorry to find she was in very poor health and passed away very soon after we made contact. I wish we had had more time to talk about family and to get to know each other.

You are obviously giving it a lot of thought so it doesn’t seem likely you will be pushed in to anything you are not comfortable with. I think I would like to chat on the phone first to check you are on the same wavelength and, if all seems well, arrange to meet up for a coffee in town.

A lot more chance you will gain from the experience as long as you are aware of potential pitfalls. Shame to be so cautious that your life becomes dull and boringly predictable.

I agree with notanan2. A potential cousin relationship is quite different to a parent/child one and families are complicated things. As my dear Mum used to say....no one knows what goes on behind closed doors'....certainly few people in my early life understood the dynamics of our strained upbringing and I would not have thanked anyone who told me how to have a relationship with a certain very very close blood relation. Take care and remember curiosity is a fine thing but sometimes you are just not meant to know things.

Cousins are unlikely to know the truth or the consequences.

I once felt obliged to tell someone that they had a half sibling as their paths were about to meet. I was told in no uncertain terms that they had always known, and there was good reason for the estrangement and to stay out of it.

I respected that, I just didnt think they knew and due to circumstances thought they should.

I dont see what good can come from a cousin overriding this to meet a relativd who is a stranger to them anyway and not immediate family

Shesanana I agree for child-parent connections, but it doesnt really apply to cousins IMO. And if a patent doesnt want to meet their child or someone doesnt want to meet their sibling, then cousins should butt out and leave them to it (or not)

I don’t comment very often on these forums but I enjoy following them and I find that I learn a lot! But I feel very strongly about this subject so this is what I think.

Some of the replies make me feel sad at a lack of understanding for the adoptee who is searching for answers to a most basic need, to know who they are and where they came from.

It also makes me even more grateful to my wonderful birth family for the welcome and genuine pleasure they continue to show at discovering another cousin.

In answer to your question baubles, no it wouldn’t be wrong to accept her and possibly build a relationship with her. If other members of the family don’t wish to engage with her then that’s their right.

Times have changed. In my case I find that times have definitely changed for the better. I am no longer a dirty little secret to be hidden away and not mentioned.

Another important consideration is medical history. My birth mother passed away at the age of 59 of a heart attack. Because I had this information I was able to decide with my GP whether statins would be necessary. Medical history is also important for my children to know.

Good luck baubles and if I can help in any way please message me

My cousin who'd done extensive work tracing our family sadly died last August but the legacy he left was unimaginable in his quest to find relatives. Our GF married twice so there were lots of other half-siblings dotted around this country and the rest of the world.
My new half-cousin in New York had photo's of my mum in her younger years that I'd never seen, plus a photo of my grannie ( who I never knew ) pictured with her mother ( my great-grannie ) I treasure this photo-copy more than anything which is framed and in the hall.

Cousin and his wife visited many of our relatives in Oz and New Zealand and got a brilliant reception all round. On his last travels to Southend on Sea to meet one of our grannie's offspring, our cousin sadly died not long after as she'd suffered ill-health, but I have lots of pics and information on mum's side of the family.
I feel fortunate in having pics of 6 generations of family to date.

PennyWhistle if the aim is just to meet new people and widen your social circle, there are many other ways to do that surely?