Mum's 90th birthday bash coming up

Wow..brain dead,no wonder they're estranged

Oh what a shame. Would she notice if they don’t turn up? I take it the rest of the family know that they are estranged.
Couldn’t they just rub along for one day?
The day is all about your mum’s special birthday after all.

If they show, treat exactly as in the past, as if the estrangement never happened. There's no point

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Well have they been invited ? You say you they probably know about it but if they don’t and then don’t show up you ll just feel it s been confirmed they don’t want to be there but that won’t be true if they haven’t been invited will it ?

Shouldn’t this be abut your mother and what she would like and I m sure she’d love to have ALL her grandchildren around her wouldn’t she ?
Whatever your problems with your children are, it shouldn’t influence them seeing their nan, or her seeing them.

Be very careful you are not projecting your feelings onto your mums relationship with your estranged children

BlueBelle is right. Make sure they know about it and would be welcome. Then if they turn up make them welcome.
It is not our place to comment on your relationship with your children, happens.

Make sure they are invited.
That's what I'd do.

Yes,make sure thay are invited then its up to them

BlueBelle, when I was a kid I knew when my parents' and grandparents' birthdays were without being told. Also, there are things called diaries which people can put dates in if they have bad memories. Also, in this digital age when kids go round with their faces in their smartphones all the time, there are digital diaries which will remind you of upcoming anniversaries and how old people are. I have one such on my iPhone. So yes, if the kids don't show up or at least send a card, I think it will reflect badly on them and indicate that they don't care.

Besides which, we can't contact the kids from their own choice. One of them hasn't responded to our efforts to reach out over the first five years so we have now stopped trying, and the other has responded only with abuse and threats to contact the police if we try to contact him again.

However, as I already said, if the kids do show up, I'm going to act in a civilised way, and I hope they are now mature enough to do the same.

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Have the grandchildren actually put the event IN their phone BlueBelle?
How would they know there was a "party" planned?

Hmm, wonder why they’re “estranged”?…..

If they are avoiding the OP if they do want to visit they will obviously avoid the day planned by her.

Invite the grandchildren and try to make your Mother's special day wonderful for her .
I went through three miserable years with my Father over family estrangement.
I tried and failed to smooth things over,but I'm glad that I tried.

NotSpaghetti

Have the grandchildren actually put the event IN their phone BlueBelle?
How would they know there was a "party" planned?

They would know there was a party planned in the same way that I did. I saw it was her birthday coming up so I emailed my brother and sister and said "hey guys, what are we doing for Mum's 90th?" I didn't include our kids in the email because they have made it clear that they don't want any contact from us, about this or anything else. So I am respecting their boundaries and preserving their peace (to use the current buzz-words).

i think it is a shame that they have not visited their grandma especially as they had so much enjoyment with her
can the estrangement be sorted at all? if your mum does not know who is the estrangement with?
i think especially if your mum has not full understanding then it would be very confusing for her with two children missing. is there anyone who could reach out explain the occasion and ask if they would just for an hour put everything aside for their gran?
btw i think the photos will be a lovely idea they do seem to understand the past more than the present so it will be a lovely happy trip down memory lane

Why not tell the family members who have most likely told them about the party to invite them, at a pre agreed specific time when your husband and yourself will not be there, so they won’t bump into you? It’s their grandma’s special day, and it would be a shame for her if an estrangement which has nothing to do with her affects her enjoyment that day.

Hopefully the estranged children will pay their Gran a visit on, say, the day before her birthday. They can apologise and say they couldn’t make it on the 6th I think both they and you would feel very tense if you were all there together. I’m not sure you should send an invitation either given that the estrangement has been 6 years. Maybe another family member could suggest they pay a separate visit as Gran would love to see them. I’m wondering, in fact, when she did last see them?

I can’t help thinking about an incident in our close family and one that is going on at the moment.
The advice I gave 15 years ago was - just be nice- the person that I said this to was, I believe, the wronged party.
My advice today is the same.
If you are nice you generally ‘win’ in the end. Even if the contretemps continues you will have nothing to blame yourself for.
Make it as easy as possible for your mother to see them. You will hold the moral high ground. A good place to be?

Perhaps it’s not the soon-to-be 90 year old that they want to avoid… just a thought. Clearly there’s no love lost between you and them.

Crikey. Sometimes you can just see why people are estranged, can't you?

It's a tricky one but I guess all you can do is go ahead without actively expecting your children to come. If they do, try to keep a polite distance and just be happy that your mother is getting to see them. If they don't come, you'll need to be on your toes if she asks where they are, but try to have a little stock of non-inflammatory replies ready in our mind, so you aren't caught on the hop. I would definitely not allow the estrangement into the situation at all. Make sure the day is all about her, not you and your kids, and the hours will pass quickly enough. Then it'll be behind you and you can plod onwards (until the next tricky time). Good luck.

I can understand why this is difficult for you DogWhisperer which with the best will in the world is difficult for anyone not estranged from their AC to understand, and may account for the deleted posts which I didn't see, but can imagine their content .

As your post @ 7.42 clearly demonstrates, you're not in a position to contact your AC about your mum's upcoming birthday. One you are unable to contact and the other has responded to previous attempts with abuse and threats to contact the police.

It does happen when parents are estranged that GP's are too. This happened to my mum who never saw her only GGC and my m.i.l. had very little contact with our ES and his children.

It seems to me very unlikely that they'll turn up on the day knowing that you'll be there, and it also seems unlikely that they'll visit at all if they've made no effort to contact her since you were estranged.

If they do then my advice is to do what you've said you will do; be civil.

I hope if they do decide to acknowledge their GM's birthday they do so without being present on the day.

Unnecessarily cruel responses Basgetti and stillawipp and I have to say I found yours particularly shocking stillawipp as someone whose experienced estrangement by their AC. How would you have felt if during that time, what you've said to DogWhisperer had been said to you?

On the contrary, I think my post is more useful to others precisely because I have experienced estrangement, realised what I was doing, & am now reconciled. It was exactly what someone said to me during my estrangement, & one of the reasons why I woke up to myself and how I was acting.