Mum's 90th birthday bash coming up

It's a cruel thing to say to someone you don't know stillawipp and wrong to assume that because your behaviour resulted in you being estranged, that that's the case for everyone; it isn't as your time here on GN should have shown you.

stillawipp

On the contrary, I think my post is more useful to others precisely because I have experienced estrangement, realised what I was doing, & am now reconciled. It was exactly what someone said to me during my estrangement, & one of the reasons why I woke up to myself and how I was acting.

Well unfortunately your style of commenting does not lend itself to people being able to "hear" the message. Typing it without explanation etc just comes over as unkind not thought provoking. My understanding from your explanation above is that you meant it to be "thought provoking?"

Thank you for your opinion Smileless2012. I believe others are allowed, including my own.

Tying it without explanation etc just comes over as unkind and not thought provoking exactly Madgran.

Where has it been said that the opinions of others aren't allowed including yours stillawipp? Of course they're allowed and anyone is allowed to disagree with them.

You did say one thing I disagree with Smileless2012, which was ‘I hope if they do decide to acknowledge their GM's birthday they do so without being present on the day.‘
I think in saying that you are not thinking of the grandma, but of the mother. On her birthday, she would no doubt love to see her grandchildren, and if they do decide to visit her all other considerations should be parked in my opinion. Surely ensuring she has a day untainted by other people’s battles is the most important thing.

I can understand why you thought that but I wasn't just thinking of the OP Casdon. I was thinking how potentially volatile the situation could be, and no one can be certain that her 90 year old mother wouldn't be aware of an atmosphere, which everyone being civil and smiling at one another may not hide.

I agree that ensuring she has a day untainted by other people's battles is the most important thing and that certainly seems to be the OP's desire too.

That’s why I’d suggested earlier in the thread that the family members who are in touch with the grandchildren could be asked if they would talk to them and if the grandchildren wanted to see her, arrange a specific time so that their parents weren’t there. It would take a lot of the tension out of the day that way, because everybody would know in advance either way. I just wouldn’t want the grandma to miss out, it’s a big day for her.

A good suggestion Casdon. As EP's we wouldn't to be in a situation where we were at a function our ES was attending and I'm sure he'd feel the same.

Yes, OP, I think you are absolutely right, it’s your mother’s day so smiling & being civil is what is needed. For her sake her grandchildren should be invited, and hopefully you will be able to do so if your children attend, and so will they.

wouldn't want to be

Smile, nod, and move along talking to others.

No need to be less than polite.

Oops, copy and paste fail!
Yes, OP, I think you are absolutely right, it’s your mother’s day so for her sake her grandchildren should be invited. Smiling and being civil is what is needed, & hopefully you will be able to do so if your children attend, and so will they.

Seems people can keep ridiculous battles private.

Smiling polite behaviour is free, give that generously.

DogWhisper It must be very hard being estranged from both your children. If there is no way you can tell them about their grandmothers 90 th. How sad after all the nice times they shared with gm they do not see her. Just make the day enjoyable for your mother. I am sure she will enjoy the day, whoever comes just be pleasant, let the past be. Few usual unkind posters who think they have all the answers but if you don’t know all the circumstances how can you judge.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I can only tell you about my brother and sister in law. They renewed their wedding vows last month ..Her sons were not invited . She texts them but they rarely reply and don't bother with their 94 year old granddad. They don't send cards to either my sister in law or grandad and didn't turn up for their nans funeral.

They haven't said they have estranged her they just don't care. My brother's children adore her and they are like the children she should have . I never ask her about her sons as she is hurt by them . Her dad has told her when he dies not to contact them as they don't care about her or him while alive .

I am lucky I haven't had to walk on eggshells like lot of estranged parents . My son made it clear zero contact but he didn't just estrange me but all our side of the family.

I know its not the same thing as your mom's 90th birthday party. As they are estranged from you any invite would have to go through a third party. If its a big party would your mom notice if they weren't their?

I would of course send them an invite and try not to say unkind things about them on internet forums but I suppose they already know what you think of them, as sad as that is.

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My advice is to focus on your mother. Her birthday isn’t about anyone’s estrangement. It’s her day. If she asks, all you need to say is that you had not heard from them, then gently change the subject.

If they show, do what any adult is obligated to do: be civil. If they don’t, still keep the attention on celebrating your mother. Family events are not the time or place to address grievances or hash out issues. Other people’s birthdays aren’t about the guests, no matter who they are. The more you hyperfocus on your own situation, the less emotional effort you will put into celebrating your mum.

For your mum’s sake and for yours, keep the main thing the main thing.

Norah

Seems people can keep ridiculous battles private.

Smiling polite behaviour is free, give that generously.

Indeed, it’s pretty basic self-control.

So, the party's over and the result was...

...the day went down exactly as expected.

Mum enjoyed looking at all those old photos, even if she couldn't remember a lot of the people in them.

The two estranged kids didn't show, didn't send a card, didn't send a message.

Mum didn't ask where the kids were.

Everyone had a good time, including, presumably, the kids, because they chose not to come and they got what they wanted.

I would like to thank everyone who replied, because it is really helpful to get other people's perspectives on difficult situations like this, but so many people suggested that the kids should be invited that I thought I should explain, with the greatest respect, why I think this would be a bad idea in our specific case, and also generally.

Two years ago, our son's grandfather (my wife's mother) wrote a cheque for our son and asked us to forward it to him, which we did. There was no message from us, just his grandfather's cheque in an envelope. A couple of days later we got an email from the police saying that our son had made a complaint about us and that if we did it again it would be viewed as harassment and the police would have to take action. Faced with such a hostile response, we cannot take the risk of contacting him, even via a third party.

Also, have you seen the contemptuous language used by some EAC on their online forums? Family members who pass on messages from parents to EAC may be called "flying monkeys" (I believe this is a reference to the Wizard of Oz) or a "golden child" (if the messenger is a sibling).

Also, our non-estranged son is in regular contact with his two estranged siblings. We have never tried to prevent this, or asked him to pass on messages (for the above reasons), but he came to the party and it's inconceivable that he didn't mention it to his siblings on his own initiative.

Good luck everyone, and stay in the game.

Excuse me if English is your second language, but how can your wife's mother also be your son's grandfather?

Furthermore, it seems you never have tried seeing things from your children's perspective, but lets try just this once. If you wanted peace from a person, but that person wouldn't take the hint, let a lone a straightforward answer, what would you do? Shame. Shame is what you should be feeling for forcing another person to get the law involved with you. The fact this person is your own child makes it so much worse, so please feel shame, you sorely need it.

Also golden child and flying monkey are completely different concepts, but golden children do often act as a flying monkey. You can't call the language contemptuous when it's just accurately describing something. You are seen as evil and any contact with you is completely unwanted. Flying monkeys were used to bring Dorothy to the evil witch. What would you call people who try to bring you back to the evil witch?

Anyways, I'm glad your mother was too demented to notice anything was amiss.

Excuse me if English is your second language, but how can your wife's mother also be your son's grandfather?

Sorry, seniors' moment there. Meant to say wife's father.

Also golden child and flying monkey are completely different concepts etc...

Interesting. You are very familiar with the language of estranged kids, which suggests that you have spent a lot of time on estranged kids' forums learning that language. If you are an estranged kid yourself, would you like to tell us something of your back story? I've revealed quite a few details of mine.

Shame is what you should be feeling etc...

No. Shame is what my son should be feeling. I've had enough of the guilt trips, the fantasy that all estranged parents are evil, and the equally absurd fantasy that all estranged children are angels. Everyone needs to own their mistakes - parents and adult children alike - and then move on.

Regardless of who was in the right or wrong over the estrangement, you should respect another person's wishes for no contact.

It's shameful behavior, unless you're unable to see your children as individuals that may have their own lives and desires.

User145831

Regardless of who was in the right or wrong over the estrangement, you should respect another person's wishes for no contact.

It's shameful behavior, unless you're unable to see your children as individuals that may have their own lives and desires.

What are you talking about?! The OP did NOT make contact with the two estranged children - because they had told him not to. . And yet you still accuse the OP of shameful behaviour. His "crime" was to pass on a cheque and they responded by involving the police. I call that shameful behaviour.