Reducing contact because my heart just isn't in it.

does it really matter not really, as long as you don't allow anything to change the direction you've chosen to take.

Smileless2012

^does it really matter^ not really, as long as you don't allow anything to change the direction you've chosen to take.

Thanks Smileless. I think that situation is so specific my mother would know if it was me. However, maybe it won't hurt for her to see some of the impact of it all? I find it hard to see how we come back at this point.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend. :-)

When I first started posting here about our estrangement,
Mr. S. was concerned that I could be identified because of specific incidents I mentioned, but it's never worried me because it's all true.

If there's the slightest possibility that she would see or be told about your posts, and seeing in 'black and white' the impact this has had on you that that could improve your relationship, it would be a good thing.

I understand why you can't see that as a possibility though which is why what you're doing is so important.

Finding a way to move forward which is healthy for you and your family is paramount. It takes time to discover what that way is and courage to implement it.

We can find ourselves doing things we never thought we would or could and whether you're estranging, going low contact or have been estranged, the goal is the same; to find peace and happiness in the lives we have .

"However, maybe it won't hurt for her to see some of the impact of it all?"

We all deserve parents who love and protect us, but that just wasn't in the cards for you.

Whatever little hope you have left for the relationship with your mother is doing you no good and is a clear sign that you still have room for more healing.

Your mother didn't care how you felt when you were being hit as a child, she certainly won't care how you feel now.

I know giving up hope is much easier said than done, so if you must see for yourself, share with your mother what you shared here so that there is no part of you left wondering about "maybes" and "what ifs".

If you haven't yet, get some therapy. People with those kinds of difficult childhoods develop the same PTSD symptoms as soldiers who fought in a war.

You'll know you're healing when your emotions start matching reality. Feeling any amount of hope completely goes against your long-lived reality, its an irrational feeling to have. What you need to feel is anger. Anger is the appropriate emotion for someone in your situation.

They likely conditioned you to not feel angry when you absolutely should have been angry. Just because anger is a negative emotion doesn't automatically make it bad. It's actually very important as it helps you recognize that something is wrong. Your dad hitting you is wrong. Your mom enabling him is wrong.

Feeling any amount of hope that they can change is bad for you in the long run. Not only does it leave room for them to dissapoint you again, but it delays your much needed healing process.

I have to say, I have never labelled my sister as anything but she has decided not to speak to me at present because she is angry at me and I must say, I am enjoying the peace.

I don't understand why anyone who has read this thread from the beginning wants to try and pour cold water on the decisions that lovethepuppies has made, unless it's because they themselves are estranged and can't stand the thought of anyone not taking the estrangement route they've taken.

I can understand that InRainbows. We learned to enjoy the peace that being estranged by our youngest son ultimately brought us.

I hope that the situation with your sister improves though.

I am beginning to think that it won't and I refuse to pick a side but I feel at peace if that decision is taken from me because I do know I have done things right from all the support here.

Violetvelvet it seems to me lovethepuppies has or is fast becoming her own woman. This means she must act as she sees fit for herself and her family. There is no harm in keeping the door open for her parents, however, provided she has no unrealistic expectations. Lovethepuppies I hope you know where you are going now. Don’t get angry, don’t let them stir emotions in you any longer. Quietly take control and enjoy you r life.

Even though they come from different angles, I agree with all the posts from you all since my last one, even where they differ.

I've only posted one very specific situation that would identify me to my mother. No-one outside me and my parents know about it (I don't even think my sister knows). Anything else is quite generic. If my mother knows it's her, that's fine. She can be clued into the impact of it all and feel however she feels.

Violetvelvet is right that negative feelings were never allowed. They were 'wrong', 'not that bad', or 'being difficult'. I have, for quite some time, rejected that. I rejected that approach with my own children who were allowed to have feelings, had them validated and taken seriously. The only good thing I can say about my experience in the other direction is that it made me aware of how important this was for my children. I know they appreciate that.

You're all right that it's about finding peace. You've all helped me towards that. Right now, I do feel peace about the path I have chosen. I talked some more to my husband about things today and the long list of reasons not to see them in person. When it's listed like that, it's much easier to see clearly and feel okay about it.

My mother does try to have the control in situations and how they should be and will be. She doesn't anymore. I have been good about standing up to her over the years, it's just been more situational before rather than an absolute line, like it is now.

I think the reason this is still hanging over me is that it's not the new normal on their end yet. I can see they have noticed I'm not calling. I did shut it down when my mother wanted me to call. At some point they are likely to suggest a visit to us. I will say no. I think until that has happened and that line has been drawn as well, it's not a closed chapter yet.

Other than waiting for that to happen, I do feel at peace and better by the day. This is a good 'new normal' for me. I think it comes at the right time for me to feel okay about it too.

The only thing I'm still not sure about is when they ask why I'm saying no to an in person visit, do I tell them (not discuss, because there's room for denial there, just inform)? Or just tell them it doesn't work for a range of reasons and leave it at that? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and see what feels right at the time.

Be honest and direct with them but also firm.

Say that you are no longer seeing them to protect your peace and that it's not up for discussion.

When she plays dumb and tries to gaslight you just repeat that it's not up for dicussion and eventually exit the conversation if she doesn't promptly drop it. I wouldn't even mention the fact that you discussed with her before how she made you feel. It won't accomplish anything and it would only give her more venues to whittle you down.

It's completely okay if they think you are being unfair, cold, ungrateful and whatever other terms come to mind that can guilt you back into the fold. Even if she acts otherwise, she knows what she has done and you have given her more than enough chances to change.

The only reason to have a discussion anyway is to change a behavior, and she has proven that isn't going to happen in this life.

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and see what feels right at the time that's the best approach lovethepuppies. You need to be able to benefit from the peace you've found and giving emotional energy to possible future scenarios will only impact on that.

They may never come to terms with this 'new normal' but as long as you hold firm to the choices you've made and continue to benefit from them, that's all that really matters and you're not alone. You have the love, support and understanding from your husband which is priceless.

It's on my mind because I know it will come up before the end of the year - and here we are in September (essentially). I will be firm and direct. If I choose to explain anything, it will be brief and statement, rather than discussion. I'm not leaving room to argue or discuss (which will involve my mother trying to impose her reality on mine, to one that suits her better, which is part of many of the issues we've had).

We'll see how it goes. I'm just at the stage where I can tell they have noticed, my mother has made a comment aimed at returning things to where she likes it, and I'll been able to deflect it easily.

I think your last post hits all the right points in terms of realizing that you are in control, which is great. Not leaving room for argument or debate is a liberating way to interact with difficult people. Keep statements short and closed-ended when it comes to things you don’t wish to debate, such as your own painful experiences. The best part is that all interaction, especially over the phone, can be ended the moment you decide it’s going in the wrong direction. She can’t force you to stay in an unpleasant conversation. Choose your peace of mind every time. No adult in this world is owed your peace. Life is short. Too short to spend putting yourself in a position to be hurt by people who are supposed to love you. Your mother is who she is. Glad you realize it’s up to you to decide your level of engagement with her.