Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Karma

I think you're right Yogin. This thread is therapeutic and has the great advantage of everyone who contributes knowing precisely what everyone is experiencing, because they have or are experiencing it themselves.

It's a horrible journey to be on, and it really helps to know that you're not making it alone.

for you all.

Thanks for the flowers Smileless and all the helpful posts everyone. Like you Allsorts I don’t tend to talk about the estrangement. On one occasion when I did I found the intrusive questions that followed difficult to handle. It’s true others really don’t get how painful it is, unless they’ve experienced it. I’ve also found myself less trusting of folk since it happened. A couple of times people have referred to it - people I’ve never told about the estrangement. Wagging tongues, it seems! However - we’re meeting the man and his wife I mentioned in my last post for coffee this afternoon. We’ll see where the conversation goes….

Hello All

Just saying hello really and wanted to explain why I haven't been on recently. In all honesty I am finding it very difficult to think/talk/comment on any sort of estrangement at the moment, so I decided to give myself a break.

I hope everyone is ok! for all of us!

Well it was nice to welcome the couple to our home and we enjoyed getting to know them. Didn’t chat about children - probably significant, but maybe another time. Trust needs to be built up first. Good to see you back Madgran. Fully get it. I find a need a break from estrangement too from time to time otherwise it’s always at the front of our minds. Take care.

We all need a break from it sometimes madgran. Good to see you.

I rarely talk about it away from here allsorts and spring20 - as others have said it is really therapeutic to have this safe space to come when we do want to.

Glad you enjoyed your visitors spring20

When you've been hit with estrangement Spring it does make it difficult to trust. I'm glad it went well today.

No need to explain Madgran as hugs has said we all need a break from time to time so just take care of yourself. Sending you (((hugs))) love and .

Sweet dreams everyone .

Until it happened to me I had never heard the word estrangement. I heard people say they didn't see their children or grandchildren but never realised what they really meant. After both mine left home only saw them 3-4 times a year. More with my daughter as she if has to work near by and popped in for a few hours. But living 100+ miles away and I had people dependant on me. But I still considered us a close family.

I can talk about estrangement openly but only thanks to my time on the support threads. With out them I couldn't do that. If people ask how many children I have always say 2 and 5 grandson's because I have. One may not want me and 3 grandson's don't know I exist but they still are my family.

After my husband died I found if I didn't talk about him and how I felt I was only hurting myself ,same with estrangement if I didn't talk about it it festered and hurt more. Have always been open about my neurological condition because it is obvious there is someone wrong with me.

I talk to my husband everyday started the day he died because it gives me comfort. I shout and swear at him and even blame him for dieing . But then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and know he wouldn't mind.

Life changes us all the time and things that happen just become part of our life's and who we are. The good, bad and down right awful. But we get through each day the best way we can. My husband said live the best life you can and I do. It's what we all must do. Quality of life is what's important not quantity. To have the quality we have to keep our minds active and our bodies and never stop learning new things. I try to find a positive from every negative even if it's something silly. And it helps me get through everyday. While estrangement is awful being widowed is far far worse. And for me that grief doesn't ease with time but gets worse because my husband has missed so much of the children growing up ,having grandchildren which he was looking forward to. But the life I have now wouldn't be the same if he lived. In most ways it would be better but I wouldn't have done the things I have or found out yes you can do that. But I put down my not giving up and working out how to do things down to my husband . And my parents make do and mend as I wasn't brought up with money so learnt from an early age how to do things on the cheap. My illness never phased my husband as he said he always knew I was damaged goods but he loved me and because of that love and being eachother's other halves we got on with things. We argued but it cleared the air. We where both stubborn and had tempers the children followed us . Said our house should have been called Bedlam . But for all what my son has done he can never say he didn't have a happy childhood filled with love and attention. Even after my husband died the children still had that from me and extended family.

I can't forgive my son or daughter in law for not just hurting me but the hurt they have caused my brother, sister in law and his cousins. He hurt his sister years ago and it was deliberately instigated by my daughter in law. But I couldn't take sides even though I wanted to tear a strip off both of them for doing it. As my daughter was right to be hurt and washed her hands of her brother when he sent the emails. My daughter and daughter in law never got on from when they first met. But when I was with them all they all behaved themselves and didn't hurt me.

I don't know if it's a generational thing but I hated my in laws from 1975 until 2015 when my mother in law died. But my husband would never give up on his parents no matter what they did or said to us our my family. I looked after his mom for 11 years after he died because she was his mom and our children's nan. I could have turned my back on her but I am not like that neither did the children. Life would have been easier for me if I had but family means something to me . Again down to my parents sense of family.

My son took the easy way out which I can never forgive or forget and all the trust I had in him he destroyed and for why? He and my daughter in law knows what a bad mother, mother in law and grandmother is they both knew his dad's mom. But they both they knew my parents and me so all the things my son said in his email and letter. Didn't apply to me but to themselves . Vindictive and manipulative that's what they have done not me. But one day there will be a price to pay for all they have done and said. Hopefully I will be still around to see it. My grandson's will get older and begin to question things . But I will still be here and if they want to find me they will. And I will give them the chance to know me if they want. My son foolishly thinks his email will disappear in 2025 as there is a time limit on it. He has under estimated me. As I will still have what he wrote as I copied it out word or word including his spelling mistakes and lack of punctuation. Original is here along with his letter and copies of both are with my will at my solicitors.

Been awake since 4 so been in a reflexive mood. Hence this ramble.

Allsorts and Madgran one day you will be able to talk openly about how estrangement has effected you but it will be to the right person until then you always have the support threads. I know it's been a very long time for you Allsorts but you still keep going and face whatever life throws at you. And it's hard especially without the love and support of your much loved husband. But you get through each day. And that a win so be very proud of yourself.

Hugs glad you had a good time with that couple. Hopefully you will meet up again soon.

This thread is like my craft group no matter how ill or what's going on in our lives we still turn up every week and it makes us feel better because we can talk about anything and everything. Same as we can here.

Have a good day everyone . 💐😊

'The good, the bad and the awful' sounds like a film title Whiff. If only it were make believe. I sometimes think that if our stories appeared in one of the soaps, they'd be thought as too extreme to be believed.

It's great that you have your craft group. I'm so pleased I have the choir. There's never time to chat but singing really lifts my spirits, even when they're low.

Friday was the 6th anniversary of us moving to our new home. It's really weird because is some ways it doesn't seem that long but because we're so happy and settled there, it's as if we've been there a lot longer.

Just one more week here at the lodge and that will be it until March. We did think about spending Christmas here but I think we'd feel even more alone if we were the only ones on the site, and as my choir's got 3 carol services with the last on on December 20th, probably better to be at home.

It's funny I have been here since August 2019 but these is my home. After my husband died my house didn't feel like home and when both the children left within 2 years after I only stayed because I had people dependant on me. But thinking back I wasn't happy it's not where I wanted to be. I lost me.

But moving I found me again and she's great. I didn't sleep very well in my old house but here slept well the first night and every night since. My old house no longer exists for me. It feels like I have always lived here. House are bricks and mortar it's people that make a home. While my husband lived my old house was home but not after he died. I wasn't happy but been happy since my move.

Ok lost my son and 3 grandson's but that was his choice I had no say but gained so much . See my daughter and 2 grandson's every week ,found I am a gardener have more friends than ever, brilliant neighbours, a new and improved me. Plus the bonus of finally having my HPX and PAF diagnosed.

When my friend came to stay she couldn't get over how much I had changed. But staying here she understood why I love it so much.

Life is not black and white but shades of grey some darker than others but that's life for you. Yes I want my husband and son and grandson's but can't. But I am a very lucky woman to have what I have now and look forward to the future. 💖 To you all .

So good to hear successful move stories. Yes life is shades of grey Whiff, I agree. The ‘ups’ don’t last forever, but then neither do the ‘downs’. Just gotta remember this!!
Hope you’ve all had a good weekend.

My battery died. Have a great week at the lodge Smiles . Hope your voice lasts for the 3 concerts. My favourite Christmas carol is in the mid bleak winter.

Oh I love that one too Whiff and my first ever solo at primary school was the verse 'What can I give him, poor as I am. If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb. If I were a wise man, I would do my part. Yet what can I give Him, give my heart'.

Good morning everyone.

I know I've been awol but I do read along. I am sorry if some of you have been concerned about me. I am fine, better than fine.

I am sorry to hear that so many of you are struggling so much with estrangements. It is so painful and so deeply sad when families are ripped apart. It is like a living bereavement and is probably much worse than actual bereavement because there can be no closure.

I don't wish to offend anyone or rub salt in any wounds but I am delighted to say that (so far) "the conversation" has worked and my son and I are now fully reconciled. He was deeply shocked when I revealed how I was feeling, he genuinely had no idea what I was going through. He is contrite and is once more the loving son I thought I had lost.

I took a huge gamble. I knew I risked total estrangement because I didn't know how he would react to my "bombshell". However I felt it had to be done because I knew I couldn't go on the way things were. I felt I had nothing further to lose so went for it.

I am glad I spoke up because it cleared the air. It made my son realise that he was at risk of losing me as well as his father. I was prepared to walk away rather than endure further pain and heartache.

I don't know whether he has said anything to my DIL but she had changed her tune......How long for is anyones guess. But at least my son knows the score now. It's up to them. He knows me well enough to understand that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I will never again allow my DIL to belittle me or humiliate me. I will not be a doormat.

Anyway as my husband used to say "that was then and this is now". I told my son it was a once only conversation and I have been true to my word. It has not been mentioned or referred to since. It's now in the past. I do not bear grudges.

However, If any unpleasantness rears it's ugly ahead again I shall deal with it swiftly. I wont allow things to drift like I did before. My big mistake was to walk on eggshells and allow DIL to ride roughshod over me in an attempt to maintain peace and harmony. Never again, all that did was teach her to treat me with contempt and disdain. I deserve better than that.

Still no news on the house, it's frustrating but not much I can do for the time being. It's just a waiting game. Hopefully not too much longer. In the meantime still working on the weight loss and trying to improve my fitness.

Slowly but surely........

Stay well everyone. Look after yourselves, 💕

To say that I'm relieved to see your post would be an understatement DSL as I have been worried.

When I first joined GN I never imagined that I would make friends but I have, and not just from this thread but from others too. Our virtual friendships are just like those in the real world. We care for, comfort and support one another when times are hard and share in one another's happiness too, so it's good to know that all's well with your son, and long may that continue.

I know I am not alone in having been inspired, comforted and at times amused by the valuable contributions you have made to this thread so don't be a stranger. Pop on and say 'hi' from time to time so we know that all is well x.

Thank you Smiles. And once again thank you so much for starting this thread. It was a great comfort to me when I needed help, support and advice and I didn't know where to turn to.

This thread is a lifeline.

I know I have been lucky to dodge the permanent estrangement bullet and I shall be eternally grateful to the "gods of parenthood" who have seen fit to restore my son to me. But I couldn't have done it alone and I didn't.

I owe so much to my friends on here, for all your comfort, support, friendship, advice and humour.

Thank you, one and all.

Hobbies that you can share with friends are such a source of joy smiles. I'm glad you have your choir, and Whiff you have your crafting group. I have made some lovely online friends now through writing, and hope I might meet up with one or two in the future. I feel as though I'm living on hold atm because of the house thing - still surrounded by boxes - but I'm keeping in touch with ppl online at least. So glad that moving has made you happy whiff. That thought helps me keep plodding on with the dream.

Lovely to see you DSL - and I'm very happy that the reconciliation is going so well. Your velvet rope approach has taught me a lot. I have only a couple of letters from my ES - but that's partly my fault because I haven't answered the last one yet. I will when I'm ready. You've helped me see that we have to take care of ourselves and have boundaries. I too have learned that walking on egg shells or jumping when someone else asks you to is no good.

I'm glad you are also happy in your new home smiles and all those lovely carol services to look forward to. It makes me feel all warm inside thinking of that. I love a carol service.

I was joking to my neighbour that I've no room for a tree this year so, if we still haven't moved I'll be writing 'Happy flipping Christmas' on the box mountain. And she added ' And we're still blooming here.' That made me laugh. Having said that, faint noises about the end of November have come from the bottom of the chain, but no concrete suggestion yet.

I had my first poem published in an anthology this week and have lots of work by friends to read. Really loving my writing group and the people I have got to know.

DerbyshireLass lovely to hear from you. Glad things are going well with your son at the moment hope it continues. Smiles made the supports threads not just for the estranged but for all whether threated with estrangement or the reconciled with their loved one. No one would be gudge you having your son back in your life and I am happy for you. So don't be a stranger. The support thread isn't a doom and gloom thread no matter how many times it's been attacked as such. But it's a lifeline to many . Smiles and other long termers have helped so many people over the years since it was first started. Long may it continue.

Hopefully you will hear about your move soon.

Hugs congratulations on your poem being published. Hope you feel as proud as a peacock. You should be.

I got rid of my old Christmas tree as I should have moved in September 2018. So had to buy a new one. Mind you the old was looking worse for wear. Glad I did. I had all my filled boxes in the children's bedroom as I had already gotten rid of all my furniture I didn't need.

I hope you hear soon about exchange and completion date. It's great moving into a new home. I was still surrounded by some unopened boxes until June 2020 when my bedroom was finally ready to move into. It had to been completely re plastered walls and ceiling and loft hatch put in. But it was lovely to move into the newly decorated room. Didn't realise how big my bungalow was until then as I had slept in the spare room surrounded by bedroom furniture since moving August 2019 .

Take care all .

And finally..........

Looks like we are aiming for legal completion end of November, so it's all systems go. The rental I really wanted was snapped up by someone else the same day I finally heard that things were about to take off and could proceed. Typical. 😂

Never mind, I've got a few possibles and am booked to view my next favoured one on Monday.

I know the area well, it's a nice locality and the type of house will work for me. The outside is pretty and from the inside photos it looks like it's clean and presentable. She's a bit of a "plain Jane" inside but she has "good bones", decent room sizes, and the decor is mainly shades of greige so I'm sure I can "szshush it up", and give her the old wow factor.

And more importantly, it's plenty big enough and also has a brick built garage and a shed so I don't have to fork out for additional storage. Also, being a modern house, the energy rating is much better than here so I shall be warm and cosy.

Wish me luck.....🤞🤞

Hope you are all well. It's a bit grim here, dull, grey and drizzly.

DerbyshireLass fingers crossed you exchange soon if they want to complain by end of the month. I know you probably know this but don't exchange and complete the same day try and make it a week between them . Fingers and.toes crossed for you. Hope the rental is want you want on Monday.

Started another pain flare left arm again. But not letting it stop me . Had a letter from the courts and tribunals service so photocopied it and posted it to my solicitor.

Had a lovely afternoon at craft group and met a friend on the bus going and got talking to a lovely lady on the bus coming back. I still can't get over how different the people are here to the Midlands. I am a lucky woman.

Ooh exciting news DSL Keeping everything crossed for you. Got an exchange date yet? Sorry to hear about the rental though. Good luck sorting an alternative.

Sorry you're in so much pain whiff. Glad you had a lovely craft afternoon and met someone nice to chat with.

Hope you are all ok. Thought this might amuse you. Hopefully it won't offend anyone but one of my craft friends sent it to us.

Ha ha. That did make me chortle whiff.

Ha ha. Love it......

Hugs and DerbyshireLass glad you liked it . It was sent to me by a friend who is bi-polar and has an autistic son.

Yesterday went to get my hair cut but the stylist was ill they couldn't let me know as they hadn't got number so re booked it for Wednesday. Didn't change my plans just meant I went shopping earlier. Did half of it and went to my favourite cafe. And ordered their delicious dark hot chocolate it's made with real chocolate. Choice of dark,milk or white chocolate. And had a cinnamon roll asked for it hot and to be cut into quarters. Normally no one questions my request to cut things up for me but this time he said it comes with a knife . Had to explain I haven't used to dinner knife for years as I haven't got the strength . When he brought it to the table he said he had problem cutting through it. Then said he was a Christian and could he pray for my hands said thank you but no as I am an atheist. Is it just me or do people prayer for strangers body parts ? I find the concept very strange it's like people who belief in rekie ( not spelt correctly) healing. How can pray make something heal?

It's like when I went to beveavment group after my husband died . It was held at the White House which was a cancer charity. They did a monthly newsletter. And they had put my husband's name in it for people to say prayers. I made my views known as they had no right to do that. Plus it wasn't a Christian charity or I would never have gone in the first place as that would have been hypocritical. I know this happened in 2004 but it brought it back to mind.

We are an open country that welcomes people of all faiths why do some people find it strange that I am an atheist and have been since forced to take RE at school. A older friend once introduced me to her friends as this is * she's a pagan I pointed out paganism is a form of religion and I am an atheist. They looked at me as if I was a monster.