Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Morning to every one. Tried to catch up with some of your posts so many but good to read how busy you all are. I’m no good at crafts can’t sing don’t write but love reading and I love meeting up with friends for a blether and a fish supper though I’m not able to get out as much as I did in my past life as I call it now.
Good to see the help and support is still alive and kicking on this thread. Have a good weekend all.

Morning all, hope you are all doing well. Clocks back tonight so lighter mornings,darker evenings to hibernate with tv and Bailey's !
Have been looking forward to my youngest daughters wedding in 2 weeks time. Older daughter is keeping quiet but distant which may be for the best.
Other anxiety is trying to sort out the menu at the hotel reception. They were told back in July that I suffer from severe food allergies which have caused anaphylaxis .I have spoken to the chef but the events coordinator has gone on leave and her replacement has emailed my daughter to ask if there are any dietary needs ?!!!
Feeling rather anxious and don't want to end up being highlighted to hospital as has happened in the past. Daughter has had to inject me with adrenaline at the table when a restaurant made a mistake with my meal.
Really trying to stay positive. Have just ordered a pashmina as just realised the dress I bought back in August has short sleeves so may be chilly.
Anxiety is awful isn't it ?

Hugs sadly if you need adaptions to your home if you don't pay yourself you could wait forever to get help from the council. As with health care it depends which council you are under what help they provide .

Your writing group sounds fun. Hope you had a wonderful time . Did you win anything and as it's via zoom have you got members all over the country or is it just in your area?

Granniesunite nice to hear from you . My craft group is funny but we our own worse critics. We never think our work is perfect but then again I don't do perfect . The women in our craft group do the most amazing work . We where talking about how people wouldn't buy hand knitted or crocheted blankets ,jumpers or cardigans as they wouldn't pay the price. It's not just the cost of the yarn but the time it takes to make. As something's can take weeks or months. Or even years. One of our group is continuing making a patchwork quilt her aunty started years ago . She died and it was left for years before she decided to continue it. All hand swen hexagons. It's using old clothes from family members a sort of family tree but in fabric.

Jaffa my son in law brought a snickers bar to eat on a plane then realised he couldn't do that incase anyone had nut allergy so it had to go into his suitcase in the hold.

You must have to read all the packaging on food stuffs as companies change the recipes at times. Hopefully the chef at the venue will be extra careful with the meal.

Both my children got married in November 4 years apart and we had sunny weather each day. Hopefully it will be sunny for your daughter's big day. Pashminas are lovely. Glad your older daughter hasn't mentioned her sisters wedding.

Yes anxiety is awful especially if it can seriously damage your health. Trouble is there seems more things to worry about the older we get.

Very rainy here today. And started another pain flare . Pain I cope with it annoys the hell out of when it flares. This is 10th one since mid August I have been keeping a diary of sorts since my MRN got turned down. So we have more evidence when we get to the tribunal. And the assessor had the gaul to say I am not in pain🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬.
. Already had a 90 mins nap.

Hope you all have a good day.

Nice to see you granniesuite - love a fish supper - we shared one with our daughter and son-in-law last night after helping with their clean up.

The zoom night was great fun, didn't win anything but the best costume and story certainly deserved their prizes. There are people from all over, some in other countries. Nice to catch up on snippets of their news too.

So sorry you're having so many pain flares whiff. The assessors can be awful. I heard of one where they were telling a man he wasn't ill enough and he collapsed during the assessment and subsequently died in hospital. And they spend more money on these dodgy assesors than they do on disability benefits.

Hello everyone hope you all enjoyed the extra hour in bed.

Had a great few days with my dearest friend; lovely when she arrives and sad when she leaves. We came to our lodge on Friday for 2 weeks, our last jolly here before we have it drained down for the winter so determined to make the most of it.

Great to see your post Granniesunite. It's funny isn't it when our lives have taken such a dramatic turn, that we refer to the time before it happened as our 'past life'. Our present is so far removed from how it used to be that referring to it is our past life makes perfect sense.

Goodness Jaffa, that's a little disconcerting isn't it but I'm sure all will be fine. With so much publicity about cases where there's been an allergic reaction to something which was thought to be, and should have been safe, no doubt they'll be on the ball.

A further conversation with the chef will put our mind to rest so I'd give them a call asap. Good that your older D hasn't mentioned the wedding again. The pashmina is an excellent idea, it will look good and keep you warm.

Oh Whiff another pain flare up . I don't know how you manage to stay so stoical with all that you have to deal with. Good idea to keep a diary for the tribunal but ridiculous that you have all these hoops to jump through.

That's awful hugs. It does make you wonder if these assessors have any training for what is a very important role, or of they just tick the boxes that are available and if there's no box, it's ignored rather than dealt with properly.

Had an hours face time with DS earlier; oooh I do miss him and what I wouldn't give for a hug.

Glad you saw my post re time change Whiff wish they would just keep to one time, having to change all the clocks! I changed my carriage clock in the living room and accidentally turned on the chimes! Couldn't get them off, chiming every quarter and then on the hour each hour, quite annoying when it gets to 8pm and you're trying to watch strictly. I was pleased with the extra hour Sunday morning as I have a morning class. We went to see the Halloween parade on the seafront followed by amazing fireworks, preceded with a lovely birthday meal for my son. We did lots of walking and my feet & legs did ach by the time we returned to our car. I'm hoping I don't get a parking ticket as I went over the allocated 3hrs!

Hope your pain has subsided today Whiff

Jaffa my 2 daughters got married at the end of November and the weather was really nice, sunny & quite warm. My eldest D planned her wedding 2yrs in advance but wasn't happy with her first venue choice so cancelled it, never got their deposit of £500 back, which was robbery as it was booked 2yrs in advance and they cancelled within 2 weeks of the booking!

The strange thing was even though they were booking 2yrs in advance they were finding it difficult to get the date they wanted which initially would have been in Oct on their anniversary of when they first met. They found a really lovely venue a lot closer than the first one but only had the 26th of Nov. so they booked that. Months later my heart froze when I suddenly realised that it was the same date as her estranged sister's wedding years before. My DD was really upset by this as she said it would look like she had planned it that way, but of course it was just a weird quirk of fate! We said you just couldn't make that up could you. My DD is still unhappy about it, they couldn't change the date again as they had nothing till the following year!

Sounds as if you had a good time at the Halloween parade Yogin, a lovely way to celebrate your son's birthday.

Hope you've managed to turn off those chimes. I have to get out the instruction books for the cooker and hob at home because I can never remember how to change the clocks which after 4 years I should know by now.

That was robberyif the venue cancelled the deposit should have been returned and £500 is a lot of money isn't it.

Oh bless her, I can imagine how you both felt when you realised she'd booked the same date. Imagine how ES and his wife felt when they realised their second child was born on the same date as Mr. S. .

It’s funny isn’t it how dates seem to carry much more weight after estrangement…….pre estrangement your dd might have been delighted your d chose the same day Yogin. And ditto with your gson/husbands bdays Smileless. Almost as if the estrangement continues to weave its insidious thread.
Had an interesting encounter a couple of days ago. A man I vaguely know began telling me how he regrets things he’s said to his son in the past. I may be wrong, but I sensed he and his wife are estranged from their son. I didn’t choose to share our situation at that moment, but it was like we were united in a secret club that very few speak about. My hubby and I thought we might invite them for coffee, but it may be he will have closed down again by then and not want to say any more. Which is fine - we may get to know some lovely new friends anyway. But it made me think again about how much sadness people carry, and if only we could be more loving, forgiving, more gentle with each other. Life is hard for so many, surely it’s possible to be kind where we can. To read earlier on this thread that very few estrangements get resolved is truly shocking. But as we know, the power is all one sided….no matter how much, how often, how sincerely we apologise, in some cases it is never enough. And in other cases we are simply cancelled so never get to hear what it is that caused the estrangement. Speaking generally of course, but many of you will know what I mean. Wouldn’t it be great if some EC found the courage to decide to give the relationship another go? Or at least end the stand off? With boundaries if necessary (and I know in some cases they would be necessary!) but surely we are all bigger than continuing to inflict pain and hurt on other human beings….and on ourselves.
I don’t post often but am hugely grateful for you all and this community.

The clock thing sounds so annoying yogin. But the parade and birthday meal sound lovely.
Not getting their deposit back in those circumstances is shocking.
I think inviting the man for coffee sounds good spring20 - it's good to get all the support we can.

Spring because I can talk about my son it has amazed me how many people are estranged from various family members. Like me they thought they where alone . Many have been estranged for years and only know 1 who has reconnected with her mom. But her sisters want nothing to do with their mom. She says she can't forgive her mom for her childhood but glad her son has his nan in his life. They have a good realtionship now and her stepdad is always their for them.

I think parents who's children turn their backs on them feel ashamed and that they have failed . I know I did ,that was my first thought when I read me son's email . Then I re read it and realised the lies , assumptions and re writing events that happened where fantasy. After the tears I got angry then bewildered. Why this has happened to this day I will never understand .

Whatever happens to us in our life time we never stop changing. But love never changes the love I have for my husband is as strong today as it was when he was alive as without him I wouldn't be who I am today. My love for my son and grandson's even the one I have never met has not changed. I always knew how much my parents loved me and how much I love them ,but realising what they went through with me as a baby and my early childhood since my diagnosis I know how much they must have suffered . It's no wonder my dad blamed himself when I got worse in 1988 he thought it was because he had Dengue fever but I always told him it was just me and my weird body. Now of course I now know both my parents where carriers for HPX . But if they had been alive when I got diagnosed I would never tell them it was hereditary. Why would I it would be like blaming them for something they didn't even know they had.

My son blames me for things but because of his zero contact rule he will never admit he is wrong by not facing me. But when my grandson's are older they will no longer be able to stop them if they seek me out if they want to. And I will be here waiting . I have never turned my back on family . And my son and daughter in law knows what his grandmother put us through while his dad was alive and afterwards. He knows what a bad mother, mother in law and grandmother is . And yet I have been branded the same.

One day he will have to pay the price for this estrangement. Hopefully in my life time.

Hugs glad you had a good time with your zoom gathering. Have you been doing any painting ? As I love all the work you posted on arts and crafts forum.

Smiles seeing friends leave is always sad but there's always next time. Was talking to my friend in the Midlands and discussing where we will go next year when she visits.

Enjoy your time at the lodge. Bet the dogs are having fun in all the leaves. You made me laugh when you said I was stoic I am just stubborn and hate the fact my body stops me doing what I want at times. But pain and what my body does is just a part of who I am. In a way it's made me who I am. Everybody has something wrong with them may be small or large . We aren't born perfect as there is no such thing. But perfect would be boring.

I tried to change the time on my oven 3 years ago when they clocks changed and couldn't do it even with the instructions so I just leave it . The microwave is easy to change and the only other one I have to do is my living room mantel clock. Clock radio , phones and thermostat control for my central heating change themselves.

My pain levels back to the pain I tolerate. Went to Aldi yesterday not far from where I live so had a slow walk. But as usual ended up walking into a fence twice. I could do with bumper bars 🤣.

When we booked our wedding date them told parents it was booked my in laws where not happy as it was the date their daughter died. But they never told my husband the date of his sister's death so how where we supposed to know . But we wouldn't change it. I know more about my husband's family than he ever did as his mom told me family history after he died . But still denied she had a son and grandchildren. She would tell people she had a daughter who died but it's as if my husband never existed.

Yogin glad you had a good time at the Halloween parade. And your son had a good birthday.

Can't believe it's the 1st of November already. But already got most of my Christmas presents and all my cards. Just need to check if I need any wrapping paper. We'll have a good day everyone.

Fun Halloween evening last night with lots of little witches ,minions and vampires knocking on the door trick and treating. I put orange balloons on the door so they know they are welcome. Went through nearly a whole box of sweets really enjoyed it.
Then came the phone call from my eldest asking me to look after the grandchildren for 2 days after Christmas whilst she goes on holiday with boyfriend.
Happy to have the kids although I find it very tiring on my own. I did explain that her sister and new husband may be visiting and how does she feel about the children having contact with them.
I could sense the anger over the phone. She would think about it. I was very calm and also wanted to know the back up plan if I needed help or was unwell. She would leave her exhusbands and his family phone numbers. I haven't spoken to any of them since he left her 4 years ago.
So it rumbles on. But I was pleased that I didn't get upset by her and think that some boundaries have been established. Clearly I am still important to her for child support if nothing else.
Will see what happens next but I am not chasing her.
Tomorrow having prewedding haircut,all very exciting !

Imagine how ES and his wife felt when they realised their second child was born on the same date as Mr. S.
These strange coincidences, makes you wonder Smiles

QuoteSpring20 Mon 31-Oct-22 19:56:00
Good post Spring and I agree with you. It's amazing what near strangers will tell you, I've had similar.

This is my DD & s.i.l's front garden. It had twice this amount when finished with flying ghosts & withes, but this picture is clearer:

Morning all. Inviting him round for a coffee is a good idea Spring. If you and your DH bring your estrangement up, that may enable him to open up. He may not do so that day, but as he'll know that you are also living with this, that might enable him to talk about his own situation at a future time.

Whiff is right, when you are able to talk about your own estrangement it's amazing how that encourages others to do the same. That's how this support thread works. We talk, we share, support and understand, and for someone who has never posted here before, this enables them to open up too.

Maybe some padding and bumper bars would be a good idea Whiff. Well you say stubborn but I stand by stoic because that is definitely what you are.

I sometimes think we're supposed to be mind readers. Your DH should have known that the date you chose for your wedding was the date his sister die, even though he was never told. As EP's we are supposed to know what our EAC's issues are and why we've been estranged, even if they don't tell us!!!

You're doing very well Jaffa and handled that conversation with your D brilliantly so well done. The boundaries you have put in place are working so keep it up.

Hope the pre wedding hair cut goes well.

Just seen the pic Yogin, looks very professional. They do indeed make you wonder as I don't believe in coincidences.

I managed to get all my Halloween stuff out of the shed, put it up and got ready for the little ones. Where I lived before and before that, I lived in little cul-de-sacs with only a few houses, so not too many Halloween visitors, now I've moved onto a long road; there were so many, right at the end I run out of sweets, even though I had tons. There was like a queue of Halloweener's waiting for their turn to get some treats! Bit overwhelming really.

Smileless2012

Just seen the pic Yogin, looks very professional. They do indeed make you wonder as I don't believe in coincidences.

What is it then Smiles ?

Thank you ladies for all your support xx

So, another quirk of fate for you too Whiff Maybe your in-laws were destroyed by losing their daughter and that's why they were how they were with your DH and only spoke of their loss and not about their grandchildren. But you would think that getting their GC would bring love & laughter back into their lives, wouldn't you. And I thought it was the high winds blowing the fences down, but in-fact it was Whiff on her trip to Aldi

In the case of our GS being born on the same day as Mr. S. I think it's karma Yogin, they must have been very upset when they realised.

Your lovely D choosing the same date to get married as your ED has given you all beautiful memories of that date, so it is no
longer just the date she married a man and into a family that would tear yours apart.

Yoga, Your d garden would have terrified me as a child, I don’t like graves and such. I can tolerate a nice witch or friendly ghost though. Decoration for me stops at pumpkins and a candle inside. Children now are obviously built of tougher stuff than I was.
Smileless, I know for lots of people talking about their estranged child helps people who themselves are experiencing it. It’s good that. you do. I don’t talk about it though, it’s like picking a scab off for me, although all my friends now know I’m estranged and that took years, know also that I don't discuss it because it upsets me, if I’m down I come on here with people who know how it feels, if you haven’t experienced it you’ve no idea really the toll it takes.

Yes, your right Allsorts about coming on here to open up and share your feelings, as all on here understand and have been there. Unless you have been estranged from a much-loved AC you really do not fully understand, may sympathise, but without fully understanding the pain.

I think this estrangement page is better than going to therapy, as chances of the therapist having personal knowledge of estrangement is low, I would have thought and without that knowledge they can't really help much.

Kama Smiles so that's what it is!