Are extra-marital affairs the answer?

I just feel that people will accept the emotional hurt caused but if it was physical harm it would be classed as criminal but both are harmful.

eazybee

There. are an awful lot of sweeping generalisations in this thread.
The title of this thread was ''Are extra -marital affairs the answer?'

But the answer to what?

Agreed. Answer to what?

Women, it seems, have as many affairs as the men with whom they have affairs with. Are women finding a problem answered as well?

There. are an awful lot of sweeping generalisations in this thread.
The title of this thread was ''Are extra -marital affairs the answer?'

But the answer to what?

I agree with M0nica on this - I don't think it's nearly as black or white as some people may like to believe it is. I'm almost certain that my father had at least one affair, which my mother knew about - yet she chose to turn a blind eye to it because she believed marriage was for life, no matter what.
And, like Usedtobeblonde, I know a couple of women whose husbands have had repeated affairs, or one-night stands, yet they also turn a blind eye to this kind of behaviour because they like the lifestyle they have and don't want to lose that.
I'm not saying any of that is right, by the way - but it does happen and if that's how people choose to live their lives, then it's up to them.

With my DH, the “affair” and as far as I know it was only one person, one affair, lasted almost a year.

Part of the agreement with us staying together, was I wanted , and somehow needed, to know all the gory details! 5well not all of them)

She was 10 years younger than me, single with no children. She apparently paid him lots of attention and wanted him to leave me, but he wouldn’t.

They worked together! It started at a work party.

After I found out and insisted he told her it was over, she relocated to another office, so that they didn’t see each other everyday. She also used to live very close to us, I mean very, literally two roads away. She drove my husband and another colleague to work as it was some miles away from us and they split petrol money.

She also moved from her flat to another county, close to her new workplace.

I can understand what made him do it, he’s a man, he’s weak. We had three children under 7 and two teenagers, we both worked full time, my job started when his ended to save childcare costs, so we barely saw each other. He says he felt neglected.

My first response was to drive his belongings to the office and dump them there, and telephone her to tell her she’d better have a large flat as I would be dropping our children there every other weekend and half the school holidays.

I did neither, but after the hurt, I was very very angry.

As I said, I did eventually forgive him, I never forgot.

We all have our weaknesses., and as I said I do not think you can make broad sweeping generalisations like that.

It's the children I feel for as I have seen a happy teenager doing very well at school being devastated by his dad's affair and leaving to live with the other woman.
He is now suffering and his life has been turned upside down. His grades have fallen and he skips school sometimes. His older sister doesn't seem to be as affected but at 20 she may be able to cope better.
I believe it's weak people who indulge in affairs.

I hesitate to be absolutist on this. I think I would want to know the circumstances of the affaire and how long it has been going on. Serial adulterers I would send packing,

But I think there can be circumstances when some one has had a one night stand, in abnormal circumstances or where the marriage is already going through a bad patch, when either partner in a marriage is vulnerable to a sympathetic ear outside the usual ring of friends and family, who is often someone with their own domestic problems, where the sympathetic ear for a brief time becomes a sympathetic body, providing the physical comfort that may be missing at home. I also think men are more likely to seek physical comfort than talk things through. By nature they will not talk to friends about personal things.

As I say, I do not think one can be black or white on an issue like this.

I have known two women, one very well, who put up with adulterous husbands because they had a very good life.
No money worries, beautiful homes , holidays and cars , every thing they could hope for.
In the case of my friend it was a woman in our social circle who told her suddenly about the affair which had been going on for over a year.
Both seemed to have good marriages and both had young children.
Before it came out we all met up frequently.
Some of our friends still stayed friend with both couples .
After this she suspected he still strayed but usually kept it from home.
They are still married, over 60 years both in their 80’s now and still appear to be devoted, newer friends who don’t know about the past think they have an ideal marriage and maybe they do.
They still have the high lifestyle which they both enjoy.
Did the affairs harm their marriage?
I have no idea but it seemed to suit them.

Any of you tempted to stray yourselves? I've had the chance a couple of times but always thought the better of it.

This is why, as others have mentioned, independence is so important. Decades ago women put up with abuse and infidelity largely because they were dependent on men for the basics. Society and religious institutions put the shame and burden on women to forgive and keep the families together rather than holding the so-called “heads of the households” accountable. Civilization has evolved, thankfully. Whether man or woman, no one has to put up with severe betrayal and dishonesty today. My dad, rest his soul, was once unfaithful to my mum. Once that we know of. I loved my dad but I thought lesser of him in part because of it. It also made me less sympathetic to his other flaws. I know that sounds judgmental, but it’s just how I felt.

Cheating is cowardly and weak. It takes such great energy and logistics to perpetually lie and deceive. We are human and we err sometimes, but the broad spectrum of risks involved in cheating make is such a low road to take. I am sorry to those affected here .

I was married to a serial philanderer. I stayed for the sake of my children, and frankly for my financial security. We are. divorced now.
I feel I did the right thing by staying till the children were older. It was miserable. It was indeed a relief when we finally separated and later divorced.

My father was a serial adulterer, even having an affair while my mum was pregnant with me which may have had some bearing on us never being as close as I'd wished we could have been. He eventually left when I was 14, leaving my mum distraught and so devastated that she could barely cope.

My mum's second marriage was to another adulterer ending in divorce 5 years later when she met and married a lovely man who despite me being in my early 20's became my much loved step father.

They were very happy but in all the years since he left her, she never stopped dreaming about my dad.

We celebrate our 46th wedding anniversary on Sunday, having married when I was 19 and are blessed with a very happy marriage but an affair would be a death knell for both for me and I'm sure for Mr. S. too.

It's the lying and deceit that even if I could forgive, I would never be able to forget and would never be able to trust him again.

kittylester

It would certainly be, or have been, the end of my marriage.

Yes and mine.

I’m like that with everyone though, which is not a very good trait really.

Once someone looses my trust I can never trust them again, and I largely simply off load them as friend or colleague. I don’t make an issue of it. I simply let it slid away.

I would be like that in my marriage.

But last weekend we celebrated 58 years - so I guess he is a keeper😄

Mollygo

I watched as the wife of the man I worked for, was sent back by the priest to her abusive, adulterous husband.
She didn’t tell the children why she was trying to escape, but as they got older, they became more aware. Of the 5, the eldest and youngest children (boys) blamed their mother. The middle 3 (BGG) blamed their father.
For those who could and can get away and start a new life, it’s wonderful, but it’s not easy.

You could be describing my aunt in Scotland.
Her husband was cheater & heavy drinker.
Priest was called for after threatening to leave him. Priest said she had ‘made her bed’. She did end up staying & having kids.
Unfortunately she ended up an alcoholic, dying in her forties 😞

I don’t blame you Cossy for your views. I am much the same.
Two previous partners, one who was abusive & serial cheater.
I woke up one morning & felt this would be the day I would leave him. He dropped me off at my parents, I got out of car & never looked back.

Second chap, fireman I was engaged to him. Everyone thought him salt of the earth. He was super generous, but there was just something I couldn’t put my finger on, about him.
Six months later, wedding booked & paid for (his money) as I had my own house to run.
I am afraid I looked in his Wallet, there in all its glory was a condom!
Then the next time I looked it was a different brand. There was also an impression of the shape of a condom pressed into the leather, so to me it was a regular thing.
I confronted him & he said he did use them but not for I thought.
So decided to let it go but keep a close eye out.
I know he went on a stag do abroad. Later I found a number written in eye pencil, phoned the number & sure enough some woman he had met.
So I bided my time, week before the wedding (I never bothered to buy a dress) I called it off.
The coward wanted me to ring the priest to tell him. I thought no you can tell the priest & your mother.
Tbh, it put me off men, was on my own for seven years.
Decided to go to a bikers reunion & met my lovely hubby, who is my rock.
He’s like me, calls a spade a spade.
We don’t do mind games.
I can count on one hand the amount of arguments we have had. I have never ever looked in his wallet I am glad to say.
Twenty odd years later still blissfully happy.

I do understand though, why woman stay with men like that, especially if there are kids in the picture.
My first relationship I was worn down trying to please him, almost to the point where I lost who I was.

Thank you for your thoughts and understanding.

For me, I totally understand wanting to end an unhappy marriage, for any reason, especially around domestic abuse or infidelity.

I’m aware I have views around infidelity that are pretty biased based on my own personal experiences.

I just think, however hard it is, please be honest if you deceive the person you married. It’s hard and heartbreaking to do this, but it’s so much worse to carry on deceiving and lying to someone with whom you share both your life and children.

Children are never totally unaware of their parents behaviour and for many many years women have the rights in their marriages that they fought hard for and so richly deserve.

I watched as the wife of the man I worked for, was sent back by the priest to her abusive, adulterous husband.
She didn’t tell the children why she was trying to escape, but as they got older, they became more aware. Of the 5, the eldest and youngest children (boys) blamed their mother. The middle 3 (BGG) blamed their father.
For those who could and can get away and start a new life, it’s wonderful, but it’s not easy.

It would certainly be, or have been, the end of my marriage.

anna7 very true, women have as a rule been financially disadvantaged along with being primary caregivers for children.

It mat be possible to end the relationship these days but certainly in the past, it was not always possible for a wife to end an unhappy marriage. Many women did not have the earning capacity they have these days as they often took a career break of several years to look after their children. Children still have to be housed and fed and there were not the after school clubs and holiday clubs there are these days. Not so easy to leave a marriage. Im not excusing infidelity but good people sometimes do unwise things.

I can understand how you feel and how your Mum felt too!
Some men are serial cheaters all their lives but others may be tempted and fall only once.
If they cheat just the once it’s better if they are found out as it will be such a shock that their partner threatens divorce that it will never be repeated.
Infidelity in a marriage once known about is soul destroying as you say but pleased for you that you were able to carry on together and have a good marriage.😃

cossy I understand how you feel, being a daughter of a serial adulterer.

Yes, it is, and it doesn't matter if the child affected is a grown adult either. I remember seeing a friend cry because her parents were divorcing when she was about 28, due to infidelity. It's always a choice. One should always do the decent thing and end the relationship if they feel the need to have someone else in their lives in that way.