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Estrangement

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Feels like estrangement

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Gmax3 Thu 15-Oct-26 14:27:35

I never thought I'd want to write anything in this E forum, but here goes.
It just seems like AC are very quick to label their parents as toxic or "not worthy" of more of their time (sometimes no time at all for half a year at a time).
There's such infrequent contact with my older two DSs that at times, it feels like estrangement. One of them told me a while back that I say things that get on his nerves. The example he gave was completely innocuous and not intentional at all.
I guess my point is --- it takes a whole lot of self esteem to realize that I do not deserve to be treated harshly by my ACs. I've been in counseling a year now...and that has helped immensely to build my self esteem.
I think for anyone dealing with estrangement, there must be an emphasis on "What's good for me right now?"
I go to yoga and spend time with people who like/love me.
I raised my kids to forgive and to be tolerant...but I think their SOs have influenced them in negative ways.
I'm letting go of my hopes and dreams for harmony with them, and that's incredibly sad. But! I know that these ACs of mine are self-centered and intolerant. And I know that I deserve better.
It's just sad. If someone had told me when I was raising them...and mind you, I carried the load in raising all 3 (divorced & single mom to the oldest 2), if I'd known this was my future, what would I have done different? I honestly know that I still would have taken the best care of them under hard circumstances.
Parenthood isn't for everyone. My path was harder than most. I did my best.
I'm just trying to live my best life.
Thanks to whoever out there reads this stuff.

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Careen145 Thu 15-Oct-26 16:38:51

Due to the nature of relationships, more than one perspective matters. You may consider the comment to be innocent and small, but the other party may have it stuck on their mind forever and you don't get to decide how they should feel about it.

There are a lot more troubling things about your way of thinking that I don't care to get into but at least you managed to say one wise thing, not everyone should be a parent.

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MarieElla Thu 15-Oct-26 16:43:24

It's good you're in counselling.
Would your children be open to attending family therapy?

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specki4eyes Thu 15-Oct-26 16:57:06

Goodness me Careen145! Have a heart! The OP has bravely offered thoughts that are troubling her...wouldnt it be kinder to try to empathise with her sadness and disappointment?

Personally I cannot see anything that she has written which doesnt justify her feelings. She brought up three children alone and is now feeling cast aside and neglected for no justifiable reason.

Shes making a positive attempt to create a meaningful life for herself. Why not a word or two of encouragement rather than barely veiled criticisms.

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crazyH Thu 15-Oct-26 17:03:45

Been there and thankfully come out of it….well, hopefully.
The offending comment, was so innocuous (in my opinion) that I can’t remember what it was. I apologised not once, but a million times and finally my DS gave in.
It was so traumatic that I honestly cannot remember what brought it on.
It’s all so sad, isn’t it ?

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Hithere Thu 15-Oct-26 18:00:23

I support Careen415's comment - the first paragraph she wrote.

The positive side of your AC telling you is that you know what the issue is and a solution can be implemented.

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Smileless2012 Thu 15-Oct-26 18:10:51

Well it may not only be the OP who'll be relieved to know that you don't care to get into anything else that she's had the courage to share Careen: I know I am.

I'm always extremely suspicious of such an unpleasant response from someone whose never posted on GN before specki4eyes and hope Gmax ignores it.

It is sad when we must accept that the relationship we have with AC isn't what we thought it would be Gmax and FWIW I think you're doing the right thing letting go of your hopes and dreams and doing what you can to live your best life.

I'm glad that counselling has enabled you to build your self esteem because that takes a real battering when your AC treat you this way.

Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing flowers.

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