People accept the emotional harm caused because they have no other option.
At one time people who divorced were shunned, regrettably not just the guilty party, but now friends and work colleagues alike are generally forced to accept, the current mistress/boyfriend or new wife/husband and the rejected partner disappears from social life.
And divorce does harm children and becomes very evident at school.
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Are extra-marital affairs the answer?
(40 Posts)I spoke quite bluntly on a recent post, citing honestly around having an affair.
So I thought, in the spirit of being honest and open, I’d explain where my “views” come from.
I’m an only child, my mother married someone in her early 20’s that she met in the services, and they eloped.
As was the case, back in the day, she had to give up her “job” and be a service wife.
When based in Singapore, at 24, she gave birth to me. A year on, they relocated to Malaysia and a year after that Düsseldorf, in Germany.
By all accounts it was a very unhappy marriage, my biological father was abusive and also addicted to gambling.
Rather than continue her marriage, she took the very brave decision to return home to England, with me, when I was three years old and asked her parents to house us both, which they did.
She returned to Germany, with me, the following year, to ask my biological father for a divorce and to sort out visitations. He was dead, by suicide, in their army flat.
My mother returned with me to her parents, and remarried the following year to a man she’d known from both primary and secondary school and been friends with of part of a group. He subsequently adopted me.
They wanted more children, but my mother miscarried, following this she then had an ectopic pregnancy and was very unwell and subsequently had a full hysterectomy. Then they tried to adopt but were told they were too old (in early thirties).
So happy ever after…..
Mmm, not quite, my new Dad was absolutely amazing, a kind gentle and generous man, but he had one huge flaw, he was also charming and very good looking, sadly he had several affairs during their long marriage.
My mother knew of two. I didn’t really know of any of this, his job took him travelling at least 50% of his working life, and to be, until my early teens, he was the perfect husband and father.
My teens were horrendous, my mother was very angry most of the time, my dad calm and measured. I blamed my mum!
Of course I discovered around 16 that all the arguments were around his “affairs” and my mother was deeply distressed and unhappy.
They didn’t stay together for me, they stayed together because, despite my father’s appalling behaviour with other women, he truly loved my mother and me.
My mother was devastated by his death in 2016, when he was 80 and she cried every night until her death in 2022.
I never properly forgave my dad, whom I did love, for the misery and sadness he caused my mother due to these affairs, it was a very odd and strange marriage, but they stuck it out and it lasted over fifty years. They clearly loved each other and were great parents to me.
So these events have shaped my views around infidelity.
I still don’t understand, to this day, why my dear father, and in every other respective he was a decent man, continued to have affairs, and I guess I never will.
My own DH had a brief affair when our children were very young. I found out purely by accident and initially he denied it. I was utterly devastated and asked for a divorce. In turn he was devastated as he didn’t want to leave me or the children.
After much soul searching and talking, we decided not to end our marriage. It took a very very long time to repair the damage this affair caused and for years I never fully trusted him. However, we’ve been together now for 33 years and are pretty solid now. To the best of my knowledge he did not have any other affairs, I made it very clear he’d have to leave if this ever happened again.
Our lives are shaped by those things we experience and for me, infidelity is so soul destroying and damaging.
I admit I am pretty black and white about this issue. Get on with your life and do what you want. Leave the unhappy marriage if you have to jump through hoops to find fulfillment elsewhere. Life is too short to be a coward, making turning yourself into a disloyal backstabber. There is no excuse or context that justifies such weak character. Ending a marriage is never easy. It’s always complicated. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to betray your spouse by sneaking around.
For the other side, I get that many rather forgive than hold on to anger. I’d probably forgive but I couldn’t stay. I don’t care enough about other people’s opinions of me to feel shame about something like a divorce. I do think it’s delusional to think someone who lies to you and betrays you has any respect for you. I’m sorry but respect & love don’t reconcile with looking someone in the face daily knowing you are doing something so hurtful.
As for those for whom infidelity is an unspoken agreement, that’s their choice. For some, the material things in life are more important than the promise of true commitment. Some will suffer indignities to maintain their lifestyle. We all have different values. We are allowed to.
I’d also like to add that divorce is a better option for children than being raised in a household by two parents in a dysfunctional marriage. Everyone likes to delude themselves into thinking children don’t see problems. They often do, even when they don’t tell you. Then we all wonder why our children grow up and themselves have dysfunctional marriages or marriages full of betrayal. Well, look back at the examples they grew up with for the answers.
What are extra marital affairs the answer to? The simple answer is that they are meeting a human need. The reasons driving that particular individual’s need may be simple or complex. We all know what the variables are.
We are the only known animal species which has sex all year round for enjoyment.
I don’t think humans are meant to be monogamous. It’s entirely normal to be feel sexual attraction and to feel sexual love for more than one person simultaneously.
It’s only ancient religious edicts and constructed western societal norms which confine us to one person. Those constraints are about providing care and protection for children and, by extension, when women had no other means of support, the mothers of those children. Love, honour and obey? We have progressed beyond that. Some societies never had those constraints in the first place.
What if we chose to live in a polyamorous group where childcare is a communal responsibility? Would that be so wrong? I think it might be very right because it’s teaching humans to care for one another who are not tied by blood, to not be possessive of other people and to overcome the very destructive emotion of jealousy.
Even reading this brings back the feelings I had when my now ex husband was having an affair. Even though the marriage had become an unhappy one I would never have been unfaithful to him or do anything to hurt our children. I kept it hidden from everyone to protect them until I was close to a breakdown: the only people I could discuss it with were the doctors I worked for because I knew they wouldn’t tell anyone ( I have no family). I do think men look on affairs in a different way. When I asked him how could you do this to our children he said it was nothing to do with the children, couldn’t understand that it would have an effect on them. There is a series on tv called Couples therapy which I watch sometimes; when people argue it isn’t usually about the thing they’re arguing about.
Yes, Graphite, you make interesting points. I think the better question is “Is marriage the answer?” Or is it unrealistic to expect human nature to be so confined?
I'm in the 'not black and white' camp. I don't think affairs are a good thing, particularly when one partner is being deceived, but that is not always the case. I know of a couple who were happy together except that he didn't want sex and she did, so she joined an agency which existed to introduce people as 'friends with benefits'. I couldn't live with that, as either partner, but it worked for them, as they stayed as a couple and she got the sex she needed, so what I would put up with is not relevant.
That's just one reason why someone might be unfaithful. There will be many others. My point on the other thread was that it isn't for people outside of the relationship to judge. We can know what our own boundaries are, but we can't know what is in someone else's mind, or how the other partner in the relationship feels.
If, say, one person is too ill to know what is happening, they aren't going to be hurt if their partner finds a life of their own whilst continuing to love and care for the sick spouse. It's not always about lifestyle and money, and it's interesting how many people make that assumption about others - not everyone's mind works that way.
I would say that deceit is wrong, and it is unforgivable to expose someone to the risk of STIs, but where a marriage is not the classic 'two people in a loving relationship who trust one another' situation there can be reasons, if not excuses, for affairs. As Oscar Wilde put it, 'life is rarely pure, and never simple'.
I think as MOnica says it is not black or white. Are extra-extra-marital affairs the answer? To some they possibly are, if the aim is to maintain their lifestyles. However they may ultimately pay a price for that. Can they be forgiven? There is evidence in the posts that they can, especially for a one-off, out of character, affair. But it will take, for some, a long time to heal the hurt and build the trust again. As for the serial philanderers, which probably includes those who stay to maintain their lifestyles....which is a sort of detached arrangement. I think it must be particularly soul destroying for the partner, children and families of serial philanderers.
I think it is important for young girls, to grow and learn that their autonomy is essential to their wellbeing. It concerns me, that still too many girls and young women, are bringing up children on their own, with little support or hope for the future.
I think if someone doesn’t think monogamy is the answer, find someone who agrees so that it’s not an expectation. Nothing wrong with living life on your own principles provided you aren’t lying about it to someone else. Live life how you want, but do it without going out of your way to be hurtful.
My first marriage was not happy. Affairs were its death knoll. My second marriage was forty very happy years. Monogamy was equally important to both of us.
Relationships can survive one or both being unfaithful if that’s what the couple both want. I was clear that if he was unfaithful, mr i would find the locks changed and I’d be divorcing him. I was of course influenced by my disastrous first marriage, as well as by observing the damage and chaos caused by lies, manipulation and lack of concern for the emotional impact on the other partner and children
Some posters are saying we shouldn't judge but I wonder if a man hit his wife because he is stressed and unhappy would they excuse it because nothing is black and white?
Harm is done in this case perhaps as much as the harm done by finding you have been betrayed.
Emotional harm can sometimes do more damage than physical harm especially for the innocent children involved.
I agree AGAA4 that emotional abuse causes significant long lasting damage. Adultery is betrayal and causes huge hurt. I don’t find ‘excuses’ acceptable but accept most of us have the capacity to be drawn into an affair in some circumstances .
Physical abuse is another red line for me.
You are right AGAA4 emotional betrayal/harm can do a great deal of damage for all affected.
Perhaps for a different thread 'is marriage the answer to emotional wellbeing '.
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