Elderly people getting married

Chestnut

MissAdventure

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

Well there is very little information at all in the OP, which is why I made my point that we cannot give an opinion without knowing more.

It is explained upthread: In the mumsnet scenario there is no hint of dementia, the mum has been widowed for 10 years and has known her new fiance for many years as one half of a couple with whom she and her late husband were friends. The problem lies in the fact that the family do not like him ... talks too much and takes over conversations.

I’m 88 now but was widdowed at 49. After 4 years alone met a widower who had also been on his own for 4 years. Neither of us wanted to move from our family houses and it was a wonderful time I think for both of us. We had 32 years together spending every weekend together and travelling all over the world. We both understood that our families didn’t want us to replace our respective partners and, in my case, my private pension would have be stopped if I remarried so we had the best of both worlds and didn’t need marriage to make it any better. It was a full partnership until my partner became ill during Covid and he was moved to a care home. I am so lucky to have had two wonderful men to share my life with. Now soon to be 89 I have some wonderful memories.

teaforone

I’m 88 now but was widdowed at 49. After 4 years alone met a widower who had also been on his own for 4 years. Neither of us wanted to move from our family houses and it was a wonderful time I think for both of us. We had 32 years together spending every weekend together and travelling all over the world. We both understood that our families didn’t want us to replace our respective partners and, in my case, my private pension would have be stopped if I remarried so we had the best of both worlds and didn’t need marriage to make it any better. It was a full partnership until my partner became ill during Covid and he was moved to a care home. I am so lucky to have had two wonderful men to share my life with. Now soon to be 89 I have some wonderful memories.

That is lovely to hear ..

Lovely story teaforone so good to hear you had many happy years with your partner.
Great memories to look back on.

That's marvellous to hear, teaforone.

Desdemona

Marrying at that age would only be for some sort of financial advantage wouldnt it?

Not necessarily. They might want to establish Next Of Kin for medical information and consultation priority, visiting rights to care home/inpatient care.

Married couples also have legal rights in their shared home, inheritance.

MissAdventure

I can't believe that offspring have ever been afforded such perceived control of their parents lives.

I find it shocking, and disgusting, frankly.

👏👏👏👏👏

We used to have a neighbour who had a man friend call around each lunchtime. Let's call him Fred. He was someone she had worked with at the local large service company for years. He had a wife but he did all sorts of odd chores and DIY for her over many years. Everyone knew that 'services' were included in all he did for her. He was a nice man.

Some people are simply happier when they are married, it makes them feel more secure. Personally I feel that it often creates problems with inheritance and existing family often feel that the new spouse has an eye on the main chance - it's very important to make a professional will which leaves an inheritance to your existing family if that is what you want.
Obviously not a problem if no family around though, when being married can ease inheritance problems after widowhood.

MissAdventure

I'm sure someone posted on here, once, about her dad taking up with a younger woman employed as his cleaner.
I'm sure its sickening if there is an inheritance involved, but people in their right mind can make theor own choices, and rightly so.

Excluding dementia, though, is someone who is desperately lonely "in their right mind"?
Any number of things come to mind; a lot of people just can't stand to be on their own, and I suppose may make rash decisions.

This happened to a friend's elderly father who married the woman who had previously been his housekeeper. She quickly decided to divorce him after having, as the saying goes, "cleaned him out".

It’s about money.

I would think it's more about money, and somewhere to live amongst younger people.
I'm sure lots of sons and daughters of people here are on their second or third "try" at marriage.

I’m sure a fear of losing out on an inheritance is behind a lot of offspring’s dismay at an elderly parent re-marrying, although of course in some cases their distrust of the new partner is justified.

Then there have been cases where an elderly parent has grown up children who practically never visit, always ‘too busy’ only to find that they have been left out of the will in favour of someone outside the family who has been a huge help for a number of years.

There’s no easy answer. Of course relatives should be on their guard for the many con artists who are unfortunately around these days, yet elderly folk should live the life they want, not what offspring think they should have!

There’s no easy answer. Of course relatives should be on their guard for the many con artists who are unfortunately around these days, yet elderly folk should live the life they want, not what offspring think they should have!

Exactly

It's also the assumption that we who are heading for elderly or who are elderly don't take all these matters into consideration. I know someone embarking on a relationship with an 80 year old. They have already compared incomes, told each other what is in their wills, talked about possible AC concerns.

i think there is two sides to this. on the one hand being lonely has been shown to be a killer. there is nothing worse so if someone gets a bite of the cherry so to speak i say good luck.
on the other hand someone vulnerable or has a condition such as dementia then it is always a risk that someone has jumped in with bad intentions. there are loads of shows about ladies who have been targeted with Foreign gentlemen who just want to get a passport and money. they are not all like that of course but it is a worry and of course there are men the same in this country.
a lot of family get very involved in these situations but it has to be really examined is it concern for the person or their inheritance

My DM, widowed at 48, rejected at least two "suitors" before she met her true love in her late 70s. He was also a widow and he adored her. But they decided that marriage would confuse their finances and that their respective children would find it difficult in that regard. They had eight amazing years together.
For me, nothing would induce me to take on an old man. I'm okay with my own company and memories of a truly happy marriage.

Perhaps they don't believe in sex before marriage, and want to get up to all sorts of naughty but nice things.
I do hope so.

Hmm, I can't see the need to make it legal in the eyes of the government, or even within the church. Go ahead and enjoy one another's company in a more casual fashion.

Well surely, then, the same goes for adult children?
When they announce they're getting married, everyone should behave as if they're a sandwich short of a picnic.

Indeed. MissA

Each to their own.

for younger adults of course there are financial reasons to get married, and some still feel it matters in terms of their children.

I didn't get married till my son was 11 years old, and at that time it was necessary should he die to have adequate access to pension rights. But I was an alternative 70's person, and most people I knew did not get married. I never had an image of a white wedding and being the centre of attention, no, no, no.

But DiL wanted a big day tho it was a home made budget one, the dress, the party.....and it was nice to see everyone...just not my thing.

Second marriage was coercive abuse and I'm not risking that road again.

Unless there was a very very good reason and I can't think of one since my beliefs don't demand it..