Elderly people getting married

My DM, widowed at 48, rejected at least two "suitors" before she met her true love in her late 70s. He was also a widow and he adored her. But they decided that marriage would confuse their finances and that their respective children would find it difficult in that regard. They had eight amazing years together.
For me, nothing would induce me to take on an old man. I'm okay with my own company and memories of a truly happy marriage.

i think there is two sides to this. on the one hand being lonely has been shown to be a killer. there is nothing worse so if someone gets a bite of the cherry so to speak i say good luck.
on the other hand someone vulnerable or has a condition such as dementia then it is always a risk that someone has jumped in with bad intentions. there are loads of shows about ladies who have been targeted with Foreign gentlemen who just want to get a passport and money. they are not all like that of course but it is a worry and of course there are men the same in this country.
a lot of family get very involved in these situations but it has to be really examined is it concern for the person or their inheritance

It's also the assumption that we who are heading for elderly or who are elderly don't take all these matters into consideration. I know someone embarking on a relationship with an 80 year old. They have already compared incomes, told each other what is in their wills, talked about possible AC concerns.

There’s no easy answer. Of course relatives should be on their guard for the many con artists who are unfortunately around these days, yet elderly folk should live the life they want, not what offspring think they should have!

Exactly

I’m sure a fear of losing out on an inheritance is behind a lot of offspring’s dismay at an elderly parent re-marrying, although of course in some cases their distrust of the new partner is justified.

Then there have been cases where an elderly parent has grown up children who practically never visit, always ‘too busy’ only to find that they have been left out of the will in favour of someone outside the family who has been a huge help for a number of years.

There’s no easy answer. Of course relatives should be on their guard for the many con artists who are unfortunately around these days, yet elderly folk should live the life they want, not what offspring think they should have!

I would think it's more about money, and somewhere to live amongst younger people.
I'm sure lots of sons and daughters of people here are on their second or third "try" at marriage.

It’s about money.

MissAdventure

I'm sure someone posted on here, once, about her dad taking up with a younger woman employed as his cleaner.
I'm sure its sickening if there is an inheritance involved, but people in their right mind can make theor own choices, and rightly so.

Excluding dementia, though, is someone who is desperately lonely "in their right mind"?
Any number of things come to mind; a lot of people just can't stand to be on their own, and I suppose may make rash decisions.

This happened to a friend's elderly father who married the woman who had previously been his housekeeper. She quickly decided to divorce him after having, as the saying goes, "cleaned him out".

Some people are simply happier when they are married, it makes them feel more secure. Personally I feel that it often creates problems with inheritance and existing family often feel that the new spouse has an eye on the main chance - it's very important to make a professional will which leaves an inheritance to your existing family if that is what you want.
Obviously not a problem if no family around though, when being married can ease inheritance problems after widowhood.

We used to have a neighbour who had a man friend call around each lunchtime. Let's call him Fred. He was someone she had worked with at the local large service company for years. He had a wife but he did all sorts of odd chores and DIY for her over many years. Everyone knew that 'services' were included in all he did for her. He was a nice man.

MissAdventure

I can't believe that offspring have ever been afforded such perceived control of their parents lives.

I find it shocking, and disgusting, frankly.

👏👏👏👏👏

Desdemona

Marrying at that age would only be for some sort of financial advantage wouldnt it?

Not necessarily. They might want to establish Next Of Kin for medical information and consultation priority, visiting rights to care home/inpatient care.

Married couples also have legal rights in their shared home, inheritance.

That's marvellous to hear, teaforone.

Lovely story teaforone so good to hear you had many happy years with your partner.
Great memories to look back on.

teaforone

I’m 88 now but was widdowed at 49. After 4 years alone met a widower who had also been on his own for 4 years. Neither of us wanted to move from our family houses and it was a wonderful time I think for both of us. We had 32 years together spending every weekend together and travelling all over the world. We both understood that our families didn’t want us to replace our respective partners and, in my case, my private pension would have be stopped if I remarried so we had the best of both worlds and didn’t need marriage to make it any better. It was a full partnership until my partner became ill during Covid and he was moved to a care home. I am so lucky to have had two wonderful men to share my life with. Now soon to be 89 I have some wonderful memories.

That is lovely to hear ..

I’m 88 now but was widdowed at 49. After 4 years alone met a widower who had also been on his own for 4 years. Neither of us wanted to move from our family houses and it was a wonderful time I think for both of us. We had 32 years together spending every weekend together and travelling all over the world. We both understood that our families didn’t want us to replace our respective partners and, in my case, my private pension would have be stopped if I remarried so we had the best of both worlds and didn’t need marriage to make it any better. It was a full partnership until my partner became ill during Covid and he was moved to a care home. I am so lucky to have had two wonderful men to share my life with. Now soon to be 89 I have some wonderful memories.

Chestnut

MissAdventure

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

Well there is very little information at all in the OP, which is why I made my point that we cannot give an opinion without knowing more.

It is explained upthread: In the mumsnet scenario there is no hint of dementia, the mum has been widowed for 10 years and has known her new fiance for many years as one half of a couple with whom she and her late husband were friends. The problem lies in the fact that the family do not like him ... talks too much and takes over conversations.

The problem lies in the fact that the family do not like him ... talks too much and takes over conversations.

Ah! Thanks for providing more context, Luckygirl.

Maybe his talkativeness is just a symptom of loneliness or nervousness. If it’s long been part of his nature, then it’s something his fiancée will be aware of and may be happy about.

Is there any indication that he is speaking over her and for her and even making decisions for her? That would be a worry. Could his garrulousness be off-putting for her friends who might want to see less of her as a result, if he’s always going to be in tow from now on?

It’s an issue we see aired quite often on this forum, the dominant person in a social group who talks too much and annoys everyone else to the point of making them want to back away.

Without knowing whether the woman has much of a social life without him, it’s impossible to say. It’s the family who know more about him and see their relationship first hand, will be picking up the nuances.

Would I be happy with friends or family pointing out “faults’ in someone I had chosen? I think I would if it was someone whose perception and advice I valued. Love can be blind at first. Little things we overlook or make allowances for can grow into big irritations.

But M62, people are foolish or otherwise at many different ages, are they not? Dreadful decisions are made as regards love, lust, money, control issues, etc.

I know there is a range of ages posting here, which makes a difference. Those of us who are older towards 80 may have a different attitude to early 60's.

A short further observation: people stop wanting sexual contact in the widest sense at different ages. There is, really, no "normal" in this respect be they men or women.

But some Adult Children have very mixed feelings about thinking of their parents as sexual beings. some feel, "oh how nice Mum/Dad has found someone they want to be so close to"

Others, "yuk, I don't want to know, and its transgressive to what is right or normal".

I trust lucky girl would have written a totally different op if grooming was the issue being discussed over on mumsnet.

MT62

lovethepuppies

I have heard of this play out in a family I know. The grandmother of the family decided to get married at 82. Her daughter was horrible to her about it and completely opposed. I thought that was awful. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion at that age. I'm all for being supportive of it, if it makes them happy.

My friends mum died. Dad moved in with another lady within weeks, later getting married.
Friend still at home, looking after them both as they were older parents, had to move into rented.
LSS, her dad die, new wife & family inherited everything.

If that happened with with my mum, I would be blinking furious to say the least.

Fair enough but that wasn't a concern with the family I mentioned. She was living alone, in rental accommodation. There was no-one displaced by it and no inheritance to worry about as she had nothing. So I think good on her for finding a companion for her last years.

People should seize the day no matter what their age but especially as we get older. It’s later than we think.

MissAdventure

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

Well there is very little information at all in the OP, which is why I made my point that we cannot give an opinion without knowing more.

Ooh sorry.
I meant with regard to the mother being groomed.