Elderly people getting married

Just imagine the outcry if someone on MN was posting about their mother trying to dissuade them from marrying their choice

lovethepuppies

I have heard of this play out in a family I know. The grandmother of the family decided to get married at 82. Her daughter was horrible to her about it and completely opposed. I thought that was awful. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion at that age. I'm all for being supportive of it, if it makes them happy.

My friends mum died. Dad moved in with another lady within weeks, later getting married.
Friend still at home, looking after them both as they were older parents, had to move into rented.
LSS, her dad die, new wife & family inherited everything.

If that happened with with my mum, I would be blinking furious to say the least.

Dad died

My paternal GM married again in her very early 80s - new husband was a neighbour she’d known since WW2. He moved into her house, his was sold, so it meant only one lot of bills, plus a nice lump sum for him.
She died only a few years later, though, and he was allowed to stay in the house until he died/moved to a care home. DF was happy with this - he was a very nice old boy DF had know since he was small.

This was ages ago though - IIRC the house (3 bed in SE London) sold for around £8k!

Desdemona

Marrying at that age would only be for some sort of financial advantage wouldnt it?

What a dreadful thing to say

MissAdventure

Married, in the "full sense of the word" (said in a Les Dawson-esque manner)

Why not? surveys show that for some people an active and enjoyable sex life can extend into their 90s.

I sense a feeling of unease among a number of people on this thread, even when they are supportive, sort of. Why?

My mum married the church warden, when they were both late 70’s and had both lost their spouses.

The wedding was joyful with both sides of families there, along with many friends. Grandchildren were flower girls/page boys. Mum was taken to the church in db’s posh car and we all went to the beautiful reception held in a rather lovely restaurant with an Oompah band. What a wonderful day!

The happy couple then went on a honeymoon cruise to Norway.

They had a few happy years together and enjoyed travelling around the country.

What a fabulous end to lives well lived.💕

My grandmother re-married after 20 years of widowhood and after six months the family had to pay him to move out and disappear. It’s probably safer to stay as good friends. A friend moved in with her partner but she developed dementia and he wasnt prepared to look after.

Anyway no ones getting their foot over her doorstep, or under her table. Least not whilst I am around 😂

Why not? She is a grown adult. We do not have the right to police the actions of other sane adults.

In the mumsnet scenario there is no hint of dementia, the mum has been widowed for 10 years and has known her new fiance for many years as one half of a couple with whom she and her late husband were friends. The problem lies in the fact that the family do not like him ... talks too much and takes over conversations.

Much of the advice is to the effect that someone should have word with mum and point out potential problems .... much use that is .... it will just cause alienation in much the same way as a parent doing similar with their AC whose proposed partner they are not happy with.

It is also suggested they should be advised to wait .... they are already in death's waiting room!

Adults have the right to make choices, some of which might proves to be mistakes but that is just how it is.

I think we could all quote instances where a late life marriage turned out to have been a mistake .... but I al sure we could all quote similar for marriages at any age ....

Mmmmn, it’s a tricky subject I think. I can’t imagine my own Mum wanting to marry again after a long happy marriage and she seems fine living on her own, but all her family are nearby and she sees us all the time.She also has women friends to go out with.
If someone is lonely that changes things tho there’s no need for marrying nowadays.Even years ago I knew a woman with a man friend, they went out and about together and he sometimes stayed with her for a few days but they never married.
If an older couple are marrying they can make wills that state upon the death of one of them, the other inherits the house and savings but upon his/her death later on, all the estate is shared equally between their combined living children.

I always wanted whatever made my mum happy, but there again, there was no inheritance for me to "worry" about.

I don't know how people have the bare faced cheek to try and restrict their parents.

They need dragging into the here and now, instead of being stuck back in time when women were "property".

I meanest believe that whoever and whenever people marry, it’s entirely their business.

Some work out, some don’t, and it’s no good telling those involved not to, or do to so, unless of course, you know one partner very well and it’s clear that there’s something else going on or a history of crime or deception.

Really! No idea where “meanest” came from

I'm not sure anyone can say whether her marrying at 80 is acceptable or not because we don't know the circumstances. If this is someone in her age group who she has formed a connection with then fine, but what if it's a young man from another country who's been grooming her? We can't really pass an opinion without knowing the full story. It might be absolutely right for the family to be worried and angry about this marriage.

MissAdventure

I can't believe that offspring have ever been afforded such perceived control of their parents lives.

I find it shocking, and disgusting, frankly.

Me too! MissAdventure

I find it frankly appalling some of the negative posts.

The chances of finding love and indeed sharing a bed and sex in the full sense are rare but precious as we age.

We should be celebrating it

Yes, some Adult children are concerned abut the inheritance, but if the people concerned have capacity then it is their business what they do with it.

Of course, there are some where they may be genuine concerns about people being taken advantage of, and some kind intervention may be needful:

but goodness me, this happens at all ages

As regards actually marriage or a LAT (Living Apart Together) then it depends on what those involved wish and think proper. Not their AC.

This may depend on family values or the circle of friends and their values (belief systems may come into it, don't forget)

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

Ooh sorry.
I meant with regard to the mother being groomed.

MissAdventure

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

Well there is very little information at all in the OP, which is why I made my point that we cannot give an opinion without knowing more.

People should seize the day no matter what their age but especially as we get older. It’s later than we think.

MT62

lovethepuppies

I have heard of this play out in a family I know. The grandmother of the family decided to get married at 82. Her daughter was horrible to her about it and completely opposed. I thought that was awful. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion at that age. I'm all for being supportive of it, if it makes them happy.

My friends mum died. Dad moved in with another lady within weeks, later getting married.
Friend still at home, looking after them both as they were older parents, had to move into rented.
LSS, her dad die, new wife & family inherited everything.

If that happened with with my mum, I would be blinking furious to say the least.

Fair enough but that wasn't a concern with the family I mentioned. She was living alone, in rental accommodation. There was no-one displaced by it and no inheritance to worry about as she had nothing. So I think good on her for finding a companion for her last years.

I trust lucky girl would have written a totally different op if grooming was the issue being discussed over on mumsnet.

A short further observation: people stop wanting sexual contact in the widest sense at different ages. There is, really, no "normal" in this respect be they men or women.

But some Adult Children have very mixed feelings about thinking of their parents as sexual beings. some feel, "oh how nice Mum/Dad has found someone they want to be so close to"

Others, "yuk, I don't want to know, and its transgressive to what is right or normal".

But M62, people are foolish or otherwise at many different ages, are they not? Dreadful decisions are made as regards love, lust, money, control issues, etc.

I know there is a range of ages posting here, which makes a difference. Those of us who are older towards 80 may have a different attitude to early 60's.

The problem lies in the fact that the family do not like him ... talks too much and takes over conversations.

Ah! Thanks for providing more context, Luckygirl.

Maybe his talkativeness is just a symptom of loneliness or nervousness. If it’s long been part of his nature, then it’s something his fiancée will be aware of and may be happy about.

Is there any indication that he is speaking over her and for her and even making decisions for her? That would be a worry. Could his garrulousness be off-putting for her friends who might want to see less of her as a result, if he’s always going to be in tow from now on?

It’s an issue we see aired quite often on this forum, the dominant person in a social group who talks too much and annoys everyone else to the point of making them want to back away.

Without knowing whether the woman has much of a social life without him, it’s impossible to say. It’s the family who know more about him and see their relationship first hand, will be picking up the nuances.

Would I be happy with friends or family pointing out “faults’ in someone I had chosen? I think I would if it was someone whose perception and advice I valued. Love can be blind at first. Little things we overlook or make allowances for can grow into big irritations.