grandad not accepting step grandchildren or stepdaughter

Your ex can't make your son spend the money as your ex wants it spent. Your son can just spend the money on the whole family.

I’m a birth and step-grandmother, my own children were co-parented by two stellar step-parents, and in your shoes, I would not be colluding in your ex-husband’s nastiness.

I would not pass on the cheques, he is trying to exert control and he cannot control this situation. Why can he not be pleased that his son and grandson have made a happy family with a partner and child?

That's so sad. I have a friend who experienced similar. I don't understand it at all. I think I'd rip.up the cheque.

I think I would tell your son and see what he thinks, then if he asks for advice send the cheque back to your ex-partner saying it was given with the wrong sentiments.

I can see where he's coming from, its a very male way of thinking (yea yea I know thats a sweeping generalisation), I do understand it but I find it unattractive too, and I'd want no part in it myself. This idea that he wants nothing to do with 'her' or 'her children' is quite childish don't you think?
However you're stuck in the middle and its unkind of him to put you there.
I think I'd put the cheques in an envelope and hand it to your son saying ' this is from your father for Christmas. Your son will (with luck) spend his cheque on the family, and put the other in his elder son's savings account for later years. No need to mention the cruelty of missing out the step children.
Depending on your relationship with the grandad, I'd say in future he can hand over the money himself or post it, but refuse to be his messenger again, its unfair to expect you to take 'sides' where children are concerned.
I don't suppose his step children want his bl**ding money anyway.

Why is your ex husband using you as the intermediary with your son? I think I’d tell him that you’re not prepared to take it on, as you disagree with him, and let him sort it out directly with your son.

I, too, wondered about this man and his relationship with his son and if he is as hostile about his son’s partner and her children to his face.
As others have said, I wouldn’t act as the messenger either.

Tell your ex to deliver the cheques and explain. (Unless you really think he would?)

I would just hand the cheques over, as ExDancer says, and say nothing about not including the others. . I don’t understand why he can’t communicate more directly with his son, but that’s not your problem. As to whether or not he includes the ” new” family members, again, not your problem. Try not to let it get to you.

I'd hand my child the cheques, with the instructions from his father and say "do as you wish, I'm just the messenger, I don't approve the message"

I'd refuse to take part in future.

Stupid X, for good reasons I'd bet.

Just tell him to sort it out himself, don’t get involved and don’t tell your son. Your ex husband may think better of it if he has to deal with it himself, and by pre-warning your son you may cause unnecessary friction.

I had a similar situation with.my husbands mother
I married someone who already had 4 chilfren.
We went on to have twins.his mother said she would never accept them as her grandchildren .even though they were his own
My rd had a wealthy uncle in Australia.When he died my exes 4 children were left quite a lot of money.my twins are excluded
I divorced my husband on the grounds of ctuelty.He was very nasty to my son and daughter.mainly my son.and violent
When his mother died he and his other children were left money.our twins nothing
I think he could have made sure they got something from what he was left.but no
H had very rarely bothered to see them. Or take them out when they were young.Or pay maintenance either
Neither boys bother about him now.in fact one of them days he's not worth calling a father.he's just a sperm donor

I am very sorry you are being used to pass this message on.from such a cruel man ,tell him to do it himself

He could post the cheques in a letter and not involve you at all.

thanks for your views everyone.
I will not pass cheques on

But if you don't pass the cheques on, you give mean grandpa ammunition to tell son how mean YOU are. I'm with Norah,

"I'd hand my child the cheques, with the instructions from his father and say "do as you wish, I'm just the messenger, I don't approve the message"

After that, play it by ear. Son may decide not to take it or may decide to contact mean Grandpa himself.

I would also not pass them on

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Families come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes the ones people choose are the best. I'm so glad you don't share his views

I would be inclined to tell him to sort it himself. Why does he want to involve you.? . If it were my son I would treat them all the same.

“I’m not doing your dirty work. If you want to act an ass, don’t be a coward and hide behind me.”

Presumably son knows all: maybe it partly depends if he really needs the money, nanafunny, does he, might it make a real difference?

All rather pathetic! Sounds ex husband either feels the young new partner has "taken his son away from him" or its sheer sexual jealously from the older man.

Norah

I'd hand my child the cheques, with the instructions from his father and say "do as you wish, I'm just the messenger, I don't approve the message"

I'd refuse to take part in future.

Stupid X, for good reasons I'd bet.

This is what I would do too!

I yhink that not passing on is stepping into something that should be your adult sons decision. Your son is entitled to make his own choices in his relationship with his father, however his father behaves

If you don't want yo be involved atall then send them back to ex and tell him to deal with your son direct

But I think it is a mistake to make decisions specifically on behalf of your son on aspects of his father's "relationship" with him

Why should you be his messenger especially as you don’t agree with the message
Tell your EX husband to do what he wants with his cheque but you’re not his messenger boy
I can see why he’s an EX
CHEEKY MOO

nanafunny

Do you know why your ex disapproves of your son's new partner? Although if they've been together for 4 years already she's hardly "new".

I'd want to know if I was being used as an intermediary. He's your ex - why is it your job to hand over the cheques? In fact under the circumstances, I'd refuse to do it. It's a 'gesture' being made by him not you as a couple.

Is she aware of his hostility?

Poor woman. She's obviously made her step-son, your grandson, happy and if your son and she are buying a house together, it seems like they are in a serious committed relationship. So what is his beef?

I know some men are fusty in their attitude towards women who have children from a previous relationship - they often assume that they latch on to a man as a 'meal-ticket'.

Whatever the reason, it's petty and spiteful, and he's using your daughter and you as messengers for his ill-natured deed. I'd refuse to be part of it and hand the cheques back telling him to do his own dirty work.

Go and enjoy Christmas with your son, grandson, and your new extended family. I hope you all have a lovely time together.