grandad not accepting step grandchildren or stepdaughter

I wouldn't put myself in the position of messenger as they often get shot at!!
You obviously treat all your step and grandkids equally regardless and that is how it should be.
Enjoy your Christmas and leave your ex-husband to sort out his own gifts.

MercuryQueen

“I’m not doing your dirty work. If you want to act an ass, don’t be a coward and hide behind me.”

Definitely this!

I agree with several comments already...........refuse to pass on the cheque, give it back to your ex and tell him to do his own bidding, and go and enjoy Christmas with the family.

You could choose to explain your actions to your son but personally I wouldn't say anything, that way if the two of them have a falling out no one can say "Mum said this or Mum said that".

What an awful man this ex sounds!

But it’s not her place to act as postman is it sunglow

I would let your son spend the money how he chooses as once a gift is given it is up to the recipient how what they do with it and the giver should never ask either , in my opinion

Don't sully yourself by enabling his nasty behaviour Let him do his own dirty work

I acquired 4 more grandchildren from my son’s new partner (he has 3 boys) and they have recently fostered a little girl - they are all very welcome, I send equal amounts for birthdays and christmas to them all, but it does put a strain on my purse. When my eldest GS at uni lost his p/t job I sent him a small amount on the basis that only he and I knew about it. I’d like to be equally supportive of them all but finances just don’t allow

You don't need to be a part of this at all. I'm sure he knows his son's address or your daughter will, so leave it to them. His thoughts and opinions on the children don't have to be your concern. You have an obvious bond with your Son and his partner and all of the children so treasure that for what it is. Your Son is a grown up and will find his own way of dealing with how he feels about things so just enjoy your Christmas and don't give it another thought.

Why can your ex not pass on the cheque to his son himself. He may not approve of how your son lives, but it is his life and your ex should grow up and accept it.

I’ve just read the OP’s post and find it unbelievable that she hasn’t just contacted her ex and told him to send the cheques himself. I would do that in her position. A bit of assertiveness is needed here. He’s her ex!

Nannashirlz

I would say to your ex hubby I’m your ex not your wife you do your own dirty work. If my ex did that I’d tell him we got a piece of paper saying divorce lol I’m also a grandparent to grandkids and a step grandson my youngest met his partner and her son few years ago they also have own house and a child together. Don’t let your ex hubby spoil what you have got.

I agree with this!

I would say to your ex hubby I’m your ex not your wife you do your own dirty work. If my ex did that I’d tell him we got a piece of paper saying divorce lol I’m also a grandparent to grandkids and a step grandson my youngest met his partner and her son few years ago they also have own house and a child together. Don’t let your ex hubby spoil what you have got.

I am definitely with Mercury queen and tell him to do his own dirty work and refuse to be part of it.He is just trying to be controlling and to put you into an invidious position. Dont let him use you in any way. Either rip up cheque throw it away and tell him to do his own dirty work or send him the cheque back and ditto. Then concentrate on enjoying your own life and being involved in the decent family and ignore this powermad and controlling person.

A man sends cheques to his son and his grandson. Does not send any to son's new partner or HER children Has he ever met any of them?

I would be inclined to hand over the cheques quietly with a shrug and raised eyebrows as you should not have been put in this position.

However, I have never been in a situation of this type so just saying.

Casdon

Why is your ex husband using you as the intermediary with your son? I think I’d tell him that you’re not prepared to take it on, as you disagree with him, and let him sort it out directly with your son.

I agree. It doesn’t sound as if anyone has asked you if you want to be used as a postbox! I’d say I didn’t want to be responsible for passing money and messages between your ex and the extended family! Sounds as if the bad feeling from your ex-husband to your son’s ex-wife needs clearing up - he wants to hurt her feelings but he’s trying to get you to do it! Was he manipulative like this when you were living together? You’re not his wife any more, he should stop trying to control everyone and decide what he wants out of his relationships.

This is such an old fashioned male viewpoint. Either give the cheques back to ex to deal with himself - with a few choice words on his nastiness, or give them to your son to deal with as he sees fit. As a step grandma I can recognise the " keeping the money in the family" way, but in changing times this is not always going to happen.

Kim19

I would pass on the cheques and say notbing. Since your ex is comfortably off why not let them enjoy some extra cash without necessarily having any great thoughts of the donor. Good for them!

If, indeed your son would be able to use the money, perhaps that is reason enough to pass it along, with the words your X said - not secret? Our children certainly enjoy extra money for needs in December.

If your ex-husband only wants to give presents to your son and your son's biological children that is his business.

In your place, I would tell him this face to face or by phone, but you may prefer to send his cheque back to him by post with an explanatory note, stating that you find his behaviour on this point mean and unkind, but as he has the right to do as he pleases in this and all other matters, you are returning his cheque, so he can send it himself to your son.

Tell him and your daughter as well, that you in future have no intention of being used as a go-between in these matters, as you for your part intend to treat all your son's children, as his children, irrespective of whether they are related to him by blood, affection or adoption.

I would gently take my son aside and tell him about the cheques and what his father said and then he can decide what to do .

Tell your ex to send money to your son's account, let him distribute to his family. Ex should leave you out of this entirely

I would pass on the cheques and say notbing. Since your ex is comfortably off why not let them enjoy some extra cash without necessarily having any great thoughts of the donor. Good for them!

nanafunny - your ex-husband is precisely that ... your 'ex' ... so why are you acting as a conduit between him and his son, and why is your daughter getting involved. It sounds like he wants to be pandered to, to keep some control. Personally, I would refuse to act on his behalf because that's exactly what you will be doing by conveying the cheque. I would then be absolutely transparent with your son and say that there was money exclusively for his son but you didn't want any part in the divisive matter. He will respect you for that and you'll be making a strong statement to your ex about whether or not you're prepared to run his errands in the future.

Exactly it’s his shit not yours he must give it himself you’re not his messenger do NOT get involved Tell him you’re not passing anything on he can put it in an envelope and post it himself with or without his explanation
Not your shit don’t take it on No No No

Why pass it on? Get the man to send it to his son explaining his
reasoning.

Nasty mean man - gosh some people are so awful 💔😡😡😡