if you could choose how to die (please dont read this if you are likely to become upset)

My mother had 20 years of severe depression, followed by Parkinson's brought on by the drugs, and then dementia brought on by the Parkinson's drugs. Don't imagine you just drift off, people with dementia have lucid moments when they realise what they have become, and also the frustration and confusion is terrifying for them. My father died in hospital suddenly, caused by hospital mistreatment, and yet at 89 they tried to resuscitate him, both terrible ways to go.

But it doesn't have to be like that. I volunteer at a hospice which provides hospice care at home, and the aim is to give everyone a good death. The actual moment is, in the vast majority of cases, after prolonged periods of sleeping and gradually lapsing into a coma and slipping away. There are now 'death midwives' and death doulas'. If that sounds bizarre, think about it, we need help and support when giving birth, why should that be any different at the only other certainty in life?

GPs and hospital doctors will use discretion to ease people out of their pain, of course it isn't laid down by statute, and I pray it never will be, I would trust them to do what is needed. Euthanasia in Holland is now as easy as abortion is here, and only a couple of days ago there was the case of the lady who had signed a euthanasia directive as she had progressive dementia, but wanted to go at the time of her choosing. They kept asking her and she would reply 'no, not yet' so she was drugged in her coffee by her doctor and then dispatched. Be careful what you wish for!

Hopefully not dementia, definately not ending my life,, but if I had a choice which I won’t, then with the knowledge I was soon going to meet my God

Dignity and independence are very important to me. If I were able to choose I would opt for cognitive ability and a physical illness to manage and be managed for me.

I was brought up in a family where death was accepted as a part of life. Both my parents died in the location of their choosing, my Mum at home, my Dad in a hospice. I can only hope I can achieve the same thing.

I think some people are using the term euthanasia too loosely. Those arguing for assisted dying in the UK do not argue for euthanasia. The difference is clear: assisted dying is chosen by and applied by the person who chooses when to die (essentially they kill themselves); euthanasia is when someone else decides it is time for a person to die (and kills them).

I'd much rather keep my marbles and fade away bodily than have to suffer dementia, My mother had her last five years in a nursing home with senile dementia and the after effects of a stroke. She was semi paralysed, stone deaf, almost blind, doubly incontinent and choked over every mouthful of food. If I had kept an animal in that state, I would have been prosecuted. My brother died while sitting at his computer, having been in apparently good health. I don't suppose I'll be so lucky. The women in my family seem to linger, so I have a little cache of pills stashed away. Trouble is, they are getting way past their sell-by date by now, so I don't know if they will still work!

Your mum and my mum sound similar chicken it’s inhuman isn’t it
I find it so difficult that the pain could not be kept in control in either my mum or dads last days although the doctors tried them every obituary I 3ver read says ‘died peacefully’ I can’t believe my precious mum and dad were the only people to not die peacefully
I don’t believe in euthanasia so I have to take my chances I guess and hope I can handle it

I think in the final analysis I would rather have an assisted death than dementia. As someone else said, people with dementia have periods of lucidity when they know what is happening and often are frightened and upset. No way to end your life.
Hospice care is very good I've heard but not available everywhere. More training in end of life care is needed for carers and NHS staff.

Palliative care services were worse than useless for my daughter.

if anybody has recent first hand knowledge of what is available for very elderly people who to put it bluntly don't have long left, I would be very grateful if you could message me.

I don't have a clue and nobody will talk about it.

I think that possibly being shot in the head by a very competent hitman, when I am 95 may be a good way to go.

That sounds like a real treat compared to some poor souls.. I wouldn't mind myself, now you mention it.

This is a fascinating thread Petunia - not grim at all, but an important subject that I think should be discussed more. Thanks to all who shared their views.

For me, I don't want to be around too long, and I'd like to be able to choose my own exit, regardless of my health! 70 seems a reasonable age to say goodbye ( I appreciate that's young for some, but obviously it's all personal choice). I would prefer it to be physical rather than mental decline, because the latter can leave a dangerous grey area over 'mental capacity' for assisted dying.

And I do hope by then we have introduced our own version of Dignitas so that people don't have to leave the UK - in a country where we have so much technology to be able to keep people alive, it seems ridiculous that we cannot allow people to choose to die a pain free death when they want it.

Lots of work to do to get these 'death' issues on the political agenda. Hopefully the baby boomer generation will begin to turn their attention to this more in the next 10 years......

70! Hoping for much longer now that particular age is looming.

Losing my mind fills me with absolute fear. I would hope that l could end my own life but worry that I wouldn't know when the time is right. As others have said, I also couldn't stand to be a burden to my daughters.
I'm quite good with pain so, if I could choose, I would go for the physical illness.
I so want to see my dgc grow up and, be there to support my dd's. I would be disappointed to think I'd popped off too soon.
I'm working on the basis my life hasn't really been that good so maybe I'm due a good exit

I doubt there’s ever a good way to die, but I’d like it to be quick, and before I become dependent on others for whatever reason. If not lemongrove’s very competent hitman, perhaps something like the final Concorde flight, that exploded two minutes after take off. Which would also have the advantage of an insurance payout for my family.

Sadly just dealing with old friends of whom our lady friend has early onset dementia, husband is finding it difficult and they don't have children so what will the future bring for him? For myself I hope DH and DSs will respect my dignity as they know me (too) well.

Sitting on a terrace enjoying warm weather, overlooking the sea, compos mentis with a glass of in my hand then just nodding off peacefully.

Preferably hale and hearty up until that point at about 95+ or so.

70 seems a reasonable age to say goodbye
You're obviously way off that age then Millbrook

I think GN would close down for lack of members!

These are conversations we need to have with our families too. We need to talk about and to document our wishes for our own end of life care. If I found the continuation of my life intolerable I would hope to have the legal option of going at a time of my own choosing.

Having worked in hospitals it is heartbreaking to see very frail elderly people being subjected to dreadful "life prolonging" interventions at the insistence of relatives. Medical staff hate performing aggressive recusitation as it can result in broken bones and severe bruising but feel obligated because families insist, often through misguided care or, sometimes, guilt for other things not done.

For me, I'm aiming for the century, hope to have kept most of my marbles and still be dispensing wise counsel to all and sundry, to be at home listening to some lovely music, enjoying a glass of fine wine and to slip away with my family around or at least very near. That would indeed be a good death. ??♥️

There have been some excellent responses here. I’m glad I’m not alone in the way I think of death.
It is a tough one isn’t it? And it’s a first world problem really. So many of us have spent decades being in control of our lives, it seems unthinkable that we shouldn’t be in charge of our deaths.
I do feel that thoughts of our deaths should be shared with our loved ones although that is a tricky conversation to have. My blood boils when in the news a family have overridden an individual’s desire to be an organ donor. And it’s heartbreaking where families beg that their loved one is saved no matter what it takes.
The quality of life is so important. If I’m robbed of my dignity and mobility, maybe in pain, subjected to tests and medications due to some hideous, progressive illness, I want to be allowed to say-no more. To be dragged back into life to suffer more of the same is a torture beyond bearing.

petunia there are such advances now in the treatment of some illnesses that I would also say that 'where there's life there's hope' but I do think that should be up to the individual.