Pressure on the very elderly to move house

Oh dear reading these posts has really made me feel unsettled. I have been trying to get my DH to agree to downsizing to a smaller property for some time now. He has a chronic illness and i suffer with my back and our home is largish - 3 bedrooms and a large garden- to be maintained. It is me that does the maintainance really as he gets too breathless to really do much. We bought paint and paper to decorate our lounge and kitchen months ago and it still hasnt been done.The whole of upstairs really needs doing as well, it is not dirty or tatty just needs freshening up but i cannot see it getting done any time soon. He is adamant that he wants to stay here but i want to move so what do i do under those circumstances. I have worked with the elderly so have seen the effect of moving late in life and the effect of having to rely on others to do stuff for you.I would rather do it now while we can at least do our own packing and sorting out what we need and what can go. Anyone else had this kind of division in the home???

One will die and one will be left . Will neighbours care for the needs of the one who will then be living alone?

After divorcing I have moved twice in my 60's. I am now in a lovely flat just down the road from both daughters and grandchildren. I am still healthy, work part time and drive. When I get older if I need to give up the driving there is a good free bus service which would get me to GP dentist, shops etc so am glad I made the move early and will never have to move again. I do miss where I lived before ( you can take the girl out of Wales but not Wales out of the girl) but it is more than compensated by being so near family and they are on hand to help with any problems without disrupting their own lives which are very busy. As I downsized there will not be loads to sort when I pop my clogs but I think it's different if you have been a happy couple living a long time in the same house, a lot of good memories. Unfortunately that was not me

While I can understand why elderly frail people in an oversized home they cannot maintain and unable to afford the help they need, would be encouraged to move the OP in another post on this thread makes it clear that these problems do not apply to this couple

They ^live in a warm, perfectly manageable house. They aren't averse to outside help - they have carers in daily to help with various things. They are well organised with a taxi co. to take them to familiar shops and a cafe where they are well known. There is a corner shop close by they can get to - one goes on a mobility scooter. There is a big hospital just down the road, so that after the occasional fall, an ambulance has arrived within minutes. They are both still perfectly well able to use the phone.
They have neighbours - not just us - ^

If they move they will leave all their social back-up behind to move somewhere, where they know no-one and where they will be entirely dependent on their DD. She may end up wishing they had stayed in their present home

It seems to me that, in a case like this a move is quite unnecessary and could be disastrous. Yes, it may be a bit inconvenient for their children, one of whom doesn't live that far away, but compared with the upheaval and change concomitant on a move....

One of our elderly neighbours turned 80 and was struggling to live in the house on her own (she has been a widow for 10+ years) but refused to leave, no matter how much her daughter pleaded with her. But after a fall (she never wore her pendant and had been lying there for nearly 24 hours when found, so it gave her quite a shock) she finally agreed to move into a small flat, just 10 minutes from her house. When I went to visit her for the first time, I expected tears but she was bright and cheery and told me: "I love my little flat; I should have done this years ago!" The problem with change is that we can only see what we're losing and we don't know what we will gain after the change. It's a lesson I've really taken on board.

Wouldn't recommend a move away from the area your neighbours will know so well. They will have links with GP, dentist, shops, friends and neighbours. Let alone the upheaval of moving they will feel lost in a new environment. Surely their house can have adaptations to help them cope if needed. The daughter is being selfish.

My FIL is 93 today and still living independently in the family home, despite my BIL pressurising him to move closer to them. We said it was entirely up to him and would never force him. His sister moved to a McCarthy and Stone flat from a draughty old house and is very happy, so it all depends on the person. FIL has his routines and that keeps him happy, we thought it would lead to deterioration very quickly if he moved.

I would just like to say that anyone who is thinking of moving, do it while you still can. My DH is 75 and I’m nearly 73, and we’re moving out of our town house to a bungalow next week. The whole process has been incredibly stressful, mostly because of the inefficiency of our agents. I don’t think we could have coped if we were any older. We’ve only been in this house for 9 years, so don’t have mountains of stuff like we did from our last house where we’d lived for 30 years. I really don’t want our daughters to have to clear out loads of stuff when we snuff it!

My mum, 84, moved last year from her home of 53 years 130 miles away to live in a sheltered flat very near us. She has not been happy, as she has found many things wrong with the set-up there (such as the modern cooker!), even though others like it. She chose a flat but now misses her garden. My brother is not far away but too busy to help much, so she is dependent on my husband and me as she won't make friends with other residents or join in social activities. I've never been close to my mum so am finding it hard and my health is suffering a bit from the stress. But if she'd stayed in her old home, with her vertigo making falls ever more likely, that wouldn't have been easy either. I think a lot depends on the nature of the person: my mum is pretty lucky compared with many, but sadly is a person who finds it hard to be happy anywhere.

New gran, you mention an interesting point. We don't all have loving relationships with our parents as much as we would wish for this.

Witzend. How can you determine when a person will become 'frail and elderly'.Should an active and healthy person on retirement, and life expectancy is far greater now, think to themselves 'That's it then, better think of selling up and downsizing or booking myself into a retirement home as I never know what the future holds for me?

At the age of 95 l am still living in my bungalow with daily help to do housework and garden. My son lives the other side of the country but would come if I needed him. I am more or less housebound but could not bear to move from familiar surroundings.
My sister moved my mother when she was ninety to a sheltered accommodation bungalow and she hated it.
I know of two ladies who moved into granny flats with their we sons and are very unhappy.

I understand your concerns, however, if they moved the daughter would be on hand to help with doctors appointments etc. My Dad lived 250 miles from me and was in hospital because he a serious tummy bug and was dehydrated. When I got there, they had taken the drip away and said they had to have his permission to reinstate it, even though he was in no state to do so. Luckily I had power of attorney for health, I said if they don’t reinstate the drip, I will apply to do it through the POA. Suddenly, they came back and said he has agrees. Within hours he was back to his old self. With these situations, it’s not always possible for the children to be there and for peace of mind it’s better move near them. As soon as I retired last year, I moved up to Edinburgh to be near my children, I haven’t looked back, it’s great.

Think about the practicalities of ageing and plan a sensible move - not necessarily to sheltered housing- while you can enjoy it and it's your own choice. I've seen so many people sure they'll be fine but precipitated into a move by a crisis. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Just don't leave it too late.

I'm (age 66) just having a ground floor extension with shower facilities so I, hopefully, don't have to move from a house and area I love. My adult daughters are close by (3 miles and 15 miles ) and I have contact with them most days so I think I'll be able to cope in my dotage without having to move!

32 years ago we bought our present house from an old lady of 84 who was moving into a granny annex her loving son built for her. She lasted six months.

Please don't pressure them to move as moving very late in life often causes people to die within a few months. Think it may be stress related or triggered. Leave them where they are if they are happy.

MOnica You are so right. Ten years ago my friend insisted on uprooting her elderly mother from a town she had lived in for nigh on fifty years where all
amenities were on her doorstep and she had many friends, to a rented bungalow near daughter in a Cornish fishing village. Needless to say mother after two years had enough of what she called 'institution life' made her own arrangements and with the help of her old friends she went back to her old town .

I can understand the daughter's worry if she lives far away and her parents have had falls and stays in hospital. Very difficult. Ultimately no one can make them move but I think moving might be most sensible option.

They want to stay in their own home but also their children are concerned about tgem especially if there have been falls.
One of those emergency call things that hang around their neck or wrist might help. It acts like a 2 way calling system so when pressed the operator can talk to them to see what's happened & call emergency services if needed. Also a lock box on the house would allow entry if needed.
As things progress shopping & cleaning etc can be sorted.
You may be one of the emergency contacts and have the code to the lock box as would the emergency call company but the first contact would be their daughter.
Age UK is a good source of advice too

We moved back to the UK from France in Feb. We both knew we would have to for various reasons. I was 81 at the time, my husband a fairly fit 75.
Prior to the move we had nearly a year of clearing out, selling stuff, dealing with utilities about ending contracts , making decisions about the dog cat and chickens etc.
If DH hadn't been younger than me I couldn't have done it all myself. Even so in the end he had big problems with his dodgy knee.
As (I think) Grandma Moira said on page 1, you need a younger person to do all the work.
Having said all that, we're very glad to be back home, in spite of all the govt. problems. And grateful for our retirement years in lovely french countryside.

I don't think it's always helpful to talk of this change using such emotive language.

Nobody wants to uproot people, make them unhappy or precipitate an early death.

Along with " your're not putting me in a home",its not useful.

As the daughter of a mother who is not coping in her huge fading mausoleum, I can tell you that this is a major concern. My mother is in complete denial about her ability to cope and it is usually me who has to pick up the pieces. Her aging partner is also struggling and desperate to move. I have tried to encourage my Mum to move before she needs to so she has the capacity to make her own decisions and get used to it. As it is, I see her waiting until she has a major catastrophe and then becoming a burden on the NHS until they can find her a suitable home to go to which she would hate.
If her children live quite a way away, I thoroughly sympathise with them.

My parents moved in their late 80's to a bungalow on a warden controlled site at the end of our road. They said it was the best move they had made. It meant that if there was an issue I could walk up there rather than driving 200 miles up the motorway. They were there 10 years before they went into a care home. If they had stayed where they were they would have been in care a lot sooner. I think the daughter is right and they are lucky she is prepared to look after them as they fall more often, frequently in the middle of the night etc.
I helped with the sorting out of stuff at their end when they moved.
Of course if they really don't want to move that is another issue but I think they should look at the advantages on both sides.

I'm 73 almost now and my son and daughter in law have suggested that I sell my house and have a Granny annex built in their garden. I am recovering from a stroke and have other ailments too and already feel that I couldn't make the move, have the unit built and get my house sold. The thought of it, makes me feel quite ill. What do others think about such a decision?