Friends issue.....can you make any sense of this please?

Friendships do sometimes run their course and the trick is to know when to let go. Sounds like this one has reached that point.

Just move on - you used to have a casual friendship and now you don't. Nothing to stew about , it happens in life.

NO, it makes no sense, you were never best buddies so what's the problem, if you don't feel happy associating with them then don't.

Hi oldbatty - I'm wondering what else is going on in your life at the moment that gives you the time to be fretting about this. Worry loves a vacuum, so maybe find something rather more enjoyable to fill your time with and be polite, but move swiftly along when you come across these old 'friends'.

stella and jen, thanks. grannyactivist also thanks. There is no sense in it at all, other than feeling a bit lonely .

I'd just let things slide. People and situations change and, now that your children have grown up, you've probably evolved differently.

You don't have to feel bad. All you need to do is be polite and pass on if your paths happen to cross. You'll probably find that, before you know it, six months have gone by and you haven't set eyes on her. I often don't speak to people who live near me for ages and it is purely because I don't see them and not because I dislike them.

There is no necessity to do anything. Friendships often naturally peter out just like a flame can do and it is the better way to allow that to happen rather than do the kind of thing like 'blocking' which people seem to find necessary nowadays. This 'action' makes something out of a non issue and can be both hurtful and insulting so it is much better to let relationships and unwanted friendships just slide quietly away. The other person may well feel quite upset and hurt and is denied closure - not nice.

It’s a bit more difficult to walk away and leave an old friendship in the past if, as oldbatty says, they are still living very close to her.
I am not sure what I would do. I would feel uncomfortable around people who gossiped, too.
I realise that’s not very constructive but I think all you can do is rise above it oldbatty and be the better person. Perhaps if you subtly indicate that you don’t like the gossip, the others might follow your lead.

I'm one of those odd (I think) people who has never felt the need for friends. Sometimes they are more trouble than they are worth. I have a few who I meet up with occasionally for lunch etc and it's nice but it wouldn't break my heart if I never saw them again. That's bad isn't it? I would, and have done, anything to help them if they are in trouble. Maybe it's because I have sisters to whom I am very close.

KatyK - no, I don't think it's bad. My mother was like that. However, if you happen to be an only child and move away from your home town, it is nice to have friends.

I am somebody who enjoys her friendships but I don't tell people all my business and, when I've moved to different places, some friendships do fall by the wayside. Like you, I help a friend if necessary.

It must be lovely to have sisters who are friends too although I recognise some people have difficult relationships with members of their family.

I've moved so many times in my life, I wouldn't know who those "school gate friends" were from 30 years ago. They are long gone for me. Where I live now, I hardly know anyone and certainly wouldn't say I have any friends apart from family. If your life has changed and you no longer have anything in common with those people, it's nothing to fret about. Just move on .

interesting, I have never had a female relative apart from my mother.

I think the proximity is an issue, in that I can see their house from my kitchen.
Living in the same house close to the school where the kids went, the past is constantly around me.

Struggling a bit with this at the moment.

Actually, oldbatty, I don't find it odd.
Of course, the busier one is, the more family one has to think about, there is less space for old acquaintance.
But like you, I have occasionally felt anxious about people I knew, who have 'changed' (or maybe their true colours come out!) or who have had difficulties.
I found it helpful to be clear in my mind: difficult to advise as you haven't said what is bothering you about this person.
I worked out what I would say if we met, how to greet the, how to respond etc. and once I had a 'plan of action' then I felt better.
I'm not sure if this helps - if you felt able to say some of the reasons we may be able to be more helpful.

Can you see the one who you still feel positive about alone? Bump 'accidentally' into her while shopping and suggest a coffee if you know her regular habits. Or just knock on her door, biscuits in hand, and ask whether she feels like company. Maybe biscuits in bag would be better, less obvious!
Avoid joining in any gossipy conversation, talk about the weather, what you were doing in the heat of 1976 (a lot of older people are). Ask after her son in a non-competitive way. She may be glad of your company.

I, too, made various friends at the school gates. Once we moved house, the friendships ended, and I made new friends. They fizzled out when the kids all grew up. I've made friends at each and every job I've ever had, too....and I've had quite a lot of jobs. Each friendship (if you can call them that) has resulted in perhaps one or two actual proper friends, but LOTS of acquaintances. For me, once the connection/common ground has ended, that's it. Like Facebook, most people are not real friends, but just people I've known along the way.

I've got 5 actual friends - they are people I know would help me out if ever I needed help (and I'd do the same for them, and have done so)

what bothers me would probably " out" me.

Wouldn't know where to start really.

I think it wrapped up in a sense of things changing. Kids have left, parents extremely old and demanding, partner retired. Confusion and lack of identity.

So there’s a specific issue, batty, which understandably, you’re unable to discuss.

My initial reaction was square your shoulders and crack on with your life.

Hope you can find some resolution.

I do appreciate that if I didn't have sisters I would feel differently about friend. My DD is an only child and she has lots of friends.

yes you're right ffin. Trawling over the past never did anyone any good.

I can identify with this oldbatty. All I can say is people DO change and some can be perplexing. It’s best not to try to figure it out or dwell on it.

What you don’t do is start doubting yourself or feel you are somehow to blame. Join new groups, find other interests, keep yourself busy. You will find like minded people.

Like someone else said. I have formed friendships with dozens of people over the years, depending on where I was and where I worked at the time. Most are now only acquaintances rather than true friends and as life has moved on so have our interests. I can count my true friends on one hand! So don’t think you are alone or unusual. What I wouldn’t do is press on with a friendship that I felt was dead.

Hope this helps and you are feeling better x

thanks folks

What puzzles me about some 'friendships' is when people never take the hint.
Ten years ago we made 'friends' with a couple in Spain, they live there. They saw our English number plate on the motohome and it went from there.
Every winter they want to know the places we are staying at so that they visit us or we go to them.
Over the past three years they have been coming to the uk more often and every time I get 'the call' to say they are coming back to the uk and can they come and stay we are always ' going away on those dates'
If I don't answer the phone they call mutual friends so then of course I have to phone them.
Why can't they take the hint.
I know this might seem nasty, but believe me if you knew 'him' you would do the same.

eek maybe people are saying that about me.

Oldbatty
No, your the one who is trying to pull away from the friendship as I am. You say that you don't like associating with them, same as me.