Friends issue.....can you make any sense of this please?

Pebbles77 That is very sad.
I made a few friends who gave me much pleasure when my children were small and I was doing the drop off and pick ups!
I am still friends with 3 or 4 of them, The others just drifted away from me, or I did from them? either way no falling out.

What a sad post .*pebbles*.
I’ve never had anything to do with people who gossip, but when I was at home with 3 small children, MrA leaving the house at 7 and often returning 12 hours later, and both DM and DMiL thousands of miles away, my friends were my lifeline.
We supported each other, looked after each others’ children and were welcome in each others’ houses.
The bonds of friendship are still there 40 years on.

I agree too Melanie

I detest unpleasant gossip, and those who indulge in it.

I certainly agree that indulging in senseless and unpleasant gossip is unkind and the wrong thing to do.

Everyone's experience is different but I've had a lot of pleasure from my friendships with people I've met through toddler groups, playgroups and school.

One thing though - I've never gone in for competitive behaviour and bragging and, although I hope I am friendly, I have not told people all my business or the business of my family. Perhaps that's the key - be nice and warm towards people without telling them everything!

One piece of advice I am giving my DIL ... don’t get involved with the people who take their kids to school ... bad
Move ... never works out and don’t let them in your house ..... I learned the hard way ... life to short for the rubbish that goes on with the gossipers and trouble makers ... draining and a waste of precious time .... some people invest more time in their “friends “ than their other haves and kids .... they will regret it I promise you. ... friends are never for life .....

Elrel, yes I do need to be more proactive, hard to do sometimes though when mood is low.

I need to stop thinking about the past and past friendships because that one belongs firmly in the past and doesn't deserve another airing.

I'm with you KatyK as regards "friends" and never thought it odd.
oldbatty....if a situation or person makes you feel uncomfortable, then remove yourself from it/them.
Try to be honest and you might be surprised at how much easier it becomes to do so as time passes, in other areas of your life.
Honesty may cause strong reactions where acquaintances are concerned, but that's their issue, not yours

Good point notanan Having had, in my time.many school gate friends/neighbours and an assortment of friends from various jobs I did, I’ve now touch with most of them - in part due to relocating to another part of the country when my husband took early retirement. In the main I just tell myself that some friendships were for then but not for now, there are some I regret losing touch with but others to be honest I’m happy to have a reason to let go. Other friends of many, many years standing I find I’ve less in common with these days but the value of those relationships is more in the shared history we have. Very possibly if we were meeting one another as we are now we would not become friends, we all change as we live life, get older and maybe a bit wiser too.
I hope you find a way of resolving your struggle old batty , it’s clearly causing you some distress.

Heres whats happening from someone who does this

You are equating old friend = good friend (even though you know theyre not)
They are a connection to a particular time in your life and it feels wrong to break those connections.
BUT it is wrong to be friends "for old times sake" if you cant connect in the present tense, it leads to mini resentments and bikering and petty irritations.

Bluegal
I kept the 'friendship' going for years because I really liked the wife ( everyone does) but his behaviour has now outweighed my love for her, very sad as when we met up it was as if we saw each other every day

Digressing but this is to Petra: maybe you try to be too nice? Stop with the excuses and just say no! If they phone and ask if they can stay don’t say you are away ... just say no sorry. End of! Sometimes bluntness is the only way....

Batty, imho you need to get out and meet people. Any local groups you can try? Even if they are not your cup of tea, just try them anyway, you could be surprised. Anything at a library or community centre?
The first time you walk in is the most scary, gradually it gets better!

Oldbatty
No, your the one who is trying to pull away from the friendship as I am. You say that you don't like associating with them, same as me.

eek maybe people are saying that about me.

What puzzles me about some 'friendships' is when people never take the hint.
Ten years ago we made 'friends' with a couple in Spain, they live there. They saw our English number plate on the motohome and it went from there.
Every winter they want to know the places we are staying at so that they visit us or we go to them.
Over the past three years they have been coming to the uk more often and every time I get 'the call' to say they are coming back to the uk and can they come and stay we are always ' going away on those dates'
If I don't answer the phone they call mutual friends so then of course I have to phone them.
Why can't they take the hint.
I know this might seem nasty, but believe me if you knew 'him' you would do the same.

thanks folks

I can identify with this oldbatty. All I can say is people DO change and some can be perplexing. It’s best not to try to figure it out or dwell on it.

What you don’t do is start doubting yourself or feel you are somehow to blame. Join new groups, find other interests, keep yourself busy. You will find like minded people.

Like someone else said. I have formed friendships with dozens of people over the years, depending on where I was and where I worked at the time. Most are now only acquaintances rather than true friends and as life has moved on so have our interests. I can count my true friends on one hand! So don’t think you are alone or unusual. What I wouldn’t do is press on with a friendship that I felt was dead.

Hope this helps and you are feeling better x

yes you're right ffin. Trawling over the past never did anyone any good.

I do appreciate that if I didn't have sisters I would feel differently about friend. My DD is an only child and she has lots of friends.

So there’s a specific issue, batty, which understandably, you’re unable to discuss.

My initial reaction was square your shoulders and crack on with your life.

Hope you can find some resolution.

what bothers me would probably " out" me.

Wouldn't know where to start really.

I think it wrapped up in a sense of things changing. Kids have left, parents extremely old and demanding, partner retired. Confusion and lack of identity.

I, too, made various friends at the school gates. Once we moved house, the friendships ended, and I made new friends. They fizzled out when the kids all grew up. I've made friends at each and every job I've ever had, too....and I've had quite a lot of jobs. Each friendship (if you can call them that) has resulted in perhaps one or two actual proper friends, but LOTS of acquaintances. For me, once the connection/common ground has ended, that's it. Like Facebook, most people are not real friends, but just people I've known along the way.

I've got 5 actual friends - they are people I know would help me out if ever I needed help (and I'd do the same for them, and have done so)

Can you see the one who you still feel positive about alone? Bump 'accidentally' into her while shopping and suggest a coffee if you know her regular habits. Or just knock on her door, biscuits in hand, and ask whether she feels like company. Maybe biscuits in bag would be better, less obvious!
Avoid joining in any gossipy conversation, talk about the weather, what you were doing in the heat of 1976 (a lot of older people are). Ask after her son in a non-competitive way. She may be glad of your company.

Actually, oldbatty, I don't find it odd.
Of course, the busier one is, the more family one has to think about, there is less space for old acquaintance.
But like you, I have occasionally felt anxious about people I knew, who have 'changed' (or maybe their true colours come out!) or who have had difficulties.
I found it helpful to be clear in my mind: difficult to advise as you haven't said what is bothering you about this person.
I worked out what I would say if we met, how to greet the, how to respond etc. and once I had a 'plan of action' then I felt better.
I'm not sure if this helps - if you felt able to say some of the reasons we may be able to be more helpful.

interesting, I have never had a female relative apart from my mother.

I think the proximity is an issue, in that I can see their house from my kitchen.
Living in the same house close to the school where the kids went, the past is constantly around me.

Struggling a bit with this at the moment.