Iis it unnatural to love your partner MORE than your children.

Annie that is so sad, it must be a very difficult time for you.

Anniebach your story is heartbreaking. I know I would feel the same if I were in your position. I hope you have love and support from others in your life. Please try to find a reason to carry on. Bereavement counselling will help when you feel ready to take that step. Sending love to you x

Anniebach my heart goes out to you

the diffference is you had young children and they give you the reason to go on Annie like I said mine are 40 and 30 and have their own lives and families .We see them all the time ,we love them dearly but they, like we did,have to get on with their lives their way.I've been with my OH for 44 years .Some very tough times ,some fantastic ..always better for being together .I am independent ,good with finances etc ,happy to do DIY ,have my own friends and life BUT he is always at the core of every day .I am so sorry for your recent loss and I know your grief will last the rest of your life .It is a very different grief losing a child ,as someone said to me ,theres no NAME for a parent who loses a child ,you're just expected to go on with life .I know lots of folk who moved on from being widowed very quickly ..I know its not what I would do or even consider doing .I know not many will understand that .

My sister and I always said that when the time came our mum should go before dad. We knew that dad would manage quite on his own and he does (with my help) he has quite a good social life too. My mum had no social life, no friends and just hung on my (bossy) dads every word. In her eyes he could do no wrong. Silly as it might seem she couldn’t even admire a picture of a good looking film/pop star as said the only man in the world she wanted to admire was her husband. She cut off all her work colleagues as couldn’t bear to spend a minute more away from my dad than absolutely necessary. Sad.

paddyann, it can not be said that I am a widow who moved on quickly, been a widow for forty three years, when I chose my husbands grave stone I had inscribe “I Shall Not Look Upon His Like Again “. This has proved to be true . But the love for my elder daughter is even stronger , when she died I said here “she was my joy, my tears , my world “ this is true, I cannot explained the bond between us , just it was very deep and very strong and I thank God she was his gift to me, I was so blessed to have such a daughter .

paddyann I think I would agree with your Mum.
When I married my husband my only desire was to spend the rest of my life loving him, whether or not we had children. Forty years and three children later I still feel that way. I love all of my children individually, sometimes one more than another depending on their needs at the time. I could not comprehend life without any one of my children, and definitely not without my DH. Together we make two halves of a whole and I dread the day when that whole will be broken. But I have always put DH needs first, before myself or my children and will always continue to do that. Our children have grown into loving, kind, considerate and well-balanced adults, husbands and partners who have taken their cues from our loving relationship. So I think, for us, it has worked out OK. But every partnership and family is different and must do what is right for them.

So sorry, Annie.

Thank you deaneke, we don’t decide who we love or how much we love , it just happens .

Fantastic post Alygran.

Aniebach...please take care of yourself. Seek Cruse if you can.

What a ridiculous question ! Your children must always come first, you created them, it doesn’t even warrant a second thought.

How about a specific example instead of a generalised rule?

What if your DH is hospitalised with a sudden emergency as you are about to attend a school concert where your child will be performing? Do you let him be admitted alone or do you leave your child to perform without you there?

What if you are asked to look after grandchildren on a day when your DH is being presented with an award?

It is easy to say "Of course X must come first" - but it depends which of them needs you most, and it may not be the same answer under all circumstances.

Not one of those Elegran, but when I was in Labour with our second baby , neighbours stayed with our 22 month old whilst my husband drove me to the hospital , left me and my case at the entrance and shot back home to be with our first born, I had to get myself and the case up to the first floor ? I 100% supported his decision .

That's a great memory Anniebach and a real demonstration of the reality of loving our partners and children x

I agree with you Bluebell, I love my children more than any man , but I love my grandchildren as much as my children but in a different way. I know it's an artificial situation but if there was Titanic type event who would you give up your place in the lifeboat for?

Mine too ?

I agree with SueDonim on the very first reply. I simply don't understand people who need to measure or compare love. Love for a husband or your child are completely different things - I don't see how you even think about it, let alone start. Maybe people feel very insecure and needy.

And rescuing a child or a partner first in a fire is equally stupid! Of course you rescue a child first - they need your help. If it is an adult child then quite possibly you need to rescue the partner first or more likely your adult child is the one to rescue you. I would hope that anyone would rescue a 2 yr old before their partner even if they didn't know the 2 yr old. Why do people come up with such silly questions?!!

There was no mention of age in the question

Most definitely, my partner is there for me 24/7 my children only when they want something or feel they should be

Blencathra spot on. I love my spouse, children, and grandchildren equally and differently and respond to their needs on a case by case basis that doesn't include measuring how much I love them.

Annie I do not think that you can compare and contrast the loss of a spouse and child. My DS died several years before my mother's death. My parents were devoted to each other, and my father missed my mother every day for the next 15 years until he died, but it was the loss of his DD that remained the loss that most deeply affected him for the rest of his life. Your child is flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood, it is a completely different more primal loss than the loss of a partner.

MOnica, comparing the loss of a child with the loss of a spouse is no different to asking who do you love more .

Which is the point I was making.

Sorry, I misunderstood