Iis it unnatural to love your partner MORE than your children.

I don't really understand this entire concept of loving your partner more/less than your children. Surely you love them differently?

And love isn't finite. It expands to accommodate those who are special to you. As I've acquired grandchildren, I love them without detriment to their parents, my children.

There are different kinds of love, for a partner, a child, a Mother, a good friend.
Most Mothers put their children first when they are young, it’s biologically hard wired into us ( there are exceptions of course.)If it wasn’t, the species may not last long.
It’s a balancing act for a woman I think, and not always easy.

I should think a partner comes first.

I agree SueDonim.

DH and I would do anything for our children and grandchildeen but also love the time we have to ourselves now they have left.

What Sue said. ^

I could no more love DH more than my DC (or vice versa) than I could love one child, or one grandchild, more than the others. Deciding who you “put first” at any given time is a different matter. It’s usually dependent, surely, on who needs you most.

My children would come above any man in the world

This is much the same as wondering whether you should love all your children exactly the same or is it "natural" to love one more than another, and does having a second child dilute your love for the first. It is an artificial distinction.

Like Suedonim I would say that love expands to cover all of them, and each has a different and special place in your heart. Sometimes one child is going through a bad patch and needs more of your time and attention, and later a different child needs you more, but that doesn't mean that at these times you cease to love the others as much.

The same is true of children versus partner - it is "to each according to his/her need".

Good post Elegran ?

Your love for your DH is what you have chosen yourself but the love for your children begins as a strong biological insinct.
As shown on MN some obviously don’t love their husbands any more and they will have to live with it but it is not a moral issue and has nothing to do with having children.

Yes, well said Elegran!

Paddyann I agree with you and think your mum was spot on. It is important to keep the love alive with your DH but my love for my DC and DGC is very different to that for my DH. Anyway the more love you spread around the more there is to go around.

Quite right Elegran and Margaretx

I don’t know, my first thought was my children but my husband died after only eight years of marriage, I adored him and when he died I thought I would fall to bits, when my elder daughter died last year I did fall to bits, so I have asked myself if I could have one back which one , my daughter .

Oh, Annie.

Oh Annie that is not a good question. You had your DD for much longer, your loss is so recent and it is all very different and impossible to compare so please don't torture yourself.

My "take away" from that thread is that you have to learn to be your own "rock", without being an "island" if that makes sense.

I am married relatively newer than some on GN, but probably longer than most on MN, and I think they key to a great long relationship is when you both look after yourselves as individuals first, and come together as a couple second, not because you NEED each other, but because you WANT each other even when you dont need each other because you can both look after yourselves.

I would rather be with someone who is confident that they would survive without me, but CHOSE me, Vs someone who is with me because they are scared not to be.

I think that was why there was criticism of posters who love their husbands MORE THAN LIFE and couldnt live without them!

I was brought up knowing that my mum and dad were the centre of each other’s universe and that I (and my younger sister) were ???? I’m honestly not sure ? My mum would have defended my dad down to her last breath and would never admit that he could have ever been wrong. His word was the final word no matter what. He has mellowed in old age but I have always been frightened of him.

I dont want to disproof yiur theory Elegran because I believe it to be true, but I honestly don’t think my parents loved anyone but each other. I was terrified of my dad which is surely not normal.

My parents were always the centre of each others universe ..they were brilliant parents though .When dad died mum was angry with him because he always said he would never leave her.They had been boyfriend and girfriend since they were 12 years old and he was months off 70 when he dropped dead in the street .
She never recovered from his death.She relied on me and my sister for company and help and everything else care wise as she got older .My GM was the same she lost my GF when she was in her early fifties and lived until her mid 80's as did her mother before her,widowed very young . .None of the women in my family ever had men friends or remarried
I always say I'll be the same ,you cant improve on perfection .

Annie ????

I find this so sad that people grow up feeling they are second best, it’s wonderful to find a partner that you are so exclusively in love with that you feel no one else exist, but how very very sad for the kids Gillybob thank goodness you had a sister
I cannot imagine loving anyone more than any of my children, they would never ever come first because my children would need me more than any partner and it would be an inbuilt loving protection
It’s interesting that your Mum needed you and your sister after your dad died paddyann but didn’t need you when she had him I find that so sad
Looks like I m the only one here who could never love anyone in the world more than my kids

My own mum and dad were a bit like yours Paddyann met as teenagers and were together a day less than 70 years mum died soon after dad and I can imagine her thinking ‘hold on you re going nowhere without me’ Howere I never ever felt second best to their love I felt both protected and loved me equally

Yes I had two loving parents also,they were together from being 16, until my dad passed away at 80.I once when only young remember asking mum who she loved the most me or dad, I was an only child, without hesitation she said the same but different. When I got married, she told me to look after my husband, but always put the children first.I always put my husband and the children first, and even now there's just the two of us at home, I put dh before myself.I have to agree with Bluebelle though I love my children more than anyone else .

I agree with Elegran there are different kinds of love and its no more or no less important for our partners and children.

Pretend you have one child and one partner there’s a fire and you can only rescue one ?
I would rescue my child go back for the partner but the child first