Iis it unnatural to love your partner MORE than your children.

NO
You can leave a partner, divorce a husband but never 'divorce' your children.
My love for my children is completely different from the love I had for my ex husband.

Always my children. I brought them into the world so love them unconditionally. I would never feel that way about a husband/partner. However, I am very independent which I'm sure makes a difference.

*Pressed send prematurely but I think my comment was enough.

notanan2

I absolutely agree. Never a truer word.

I think its equally unhealthy to be honest to say "my kids are my life"

I think thats putting too much pressure on their heads and making them responsible for your happiness and mental welfare.

You can be happy TOGETHER (with kids or partners).
But you cant MAKE someone else happy, if theyre unhappy in themselves.
Which is why its never fair to cite your partner or kids as your reason for living.

Just think about this for a moment.
When children, whether under 18 or well into adulthood, are thanking a parent either in a public forum (if they are well known) or at school when making or drawing something to take home, it's almost always the mother who is the focus of their thoughts.
Elton John and his mum. Chris Evans and his mum, David Walliams and Gary Barlow and their mothers among thousands of others in different professions right around the world, all credit and acknowledge their mothers when picking up accolades. I have rarely heard anyone single out their father in that way. Mothers and children are inseparable no matter how many miles apart.

I was a daddy's girl and my D is a daddy's girl .She sends lovely comments his way about how she is who she is because of him .My S is Daddy's mini me,same attitudes ,same nature ,same hobbies and interests.I used to joke that I dyed my hair blonde so that at least they looked like me .
Dads are every bit as important as mums ..in this house anyway ,as a mother who has lost children I know the heartache of a lost child and I know I can live with it...not sure I could lose my OH and manage to go on.
My Uncle died in March ....my Aunt, his wife of 50 odd years died the next day .Hearbreaking for my cousins but they know their mum couldn't cope without him and that as she believed in heaven then they are there together .Just how they were meant to be .They also know they were loved by both parents

Oh dear! Reading my earlier reply, the emphatic NO was in response to part of the OPs comment, not the title of the thread.
I do think it unnatural to love a husband/partner more than one's children.
My children were and are loved unconditionally, unlike my then husband who was a great husband and is an exceptional father.

But whose needs would you put first?

The example I think of (from personal experience) is:

If you or your partner's job (whichever is the main breadwinner) moved to a distant part of the country, or another country, but you had a child settled at a good school - would you move the family and risk interfering with the child's education - or split the family until the child had finished that stage of school, and risk the relationship?

I agree with those who say there are different kinds of love - but if push came to shove, I would never put anyone above my children. If I had to choose between saving them or my other half, I'd save my children every time (even though they're now grown up) and I'd expect him to do the same.

Loving your partner comes first in the sense that, he or she is above all else. For example, if your spouse and you had made a decision, and then your child comes along and wants to change the plans...then it would be correct to tell your child what you and your spouse had agreed upon and follow through with that. When you love your spouse above your children, it simply means that they are at the front of all decsions before others. When you show this Kim of love to your spouse, your children will identify with the importance of being a spouse entails. And a husband and wife should always put God at the front of their marriage and submit to prayer through all things together.

I remember being shocked many years ago (and this was before I had children) when a friend said that if they were all shipwrecked she would try to save her husband but not her little child - because she could always have more children.

The love you have for spouse and children is different, but I would always feel rather more protective of my children and would expect their father to feel the same about them.

the fire "test" only works if all of your children are adults, and all of your choices are equally fit and well.

As children, I would save my babies, as DH can physically get himself out.

If he was old and frail, I would save him, as adult children can get themselves out

I love my children and grandchildren more than I loved my husband. I believe he feels the same. However I do still love my husband (now ex) in a different way and always will. We didn’t separate in acrimony or because of a 3rd party so this possibly makes it easier
My big surprise is that I love my DGC as much as I love my own children. I don’t believe this was true of my own mother or my GM both loved their child more than their GC.
I never expected the love for DGC to be the same as for my own DC but it is and I would do anything for any of them. The lovely thing is that they all know it and everyone is just happy that their is so much love to go around

I would expect my husband to put our children first , had he lived

Always Annie ? I dont understand that ,my husband is key to my welfare ,He is literally a light in my life and when he had heart attacks a few years ago it made me realise just how important he is to me.My AC have their own lives ,sure we;re close ,closer than most families I know but OH is my priority .My childrens welfare is important and I do all I can for them but there are certainly times when they would know and expect their father to be first ..as they would expect him to put me first too. I'm truly blessed to have such a great marriage and hopefully it will be for many more years .

paddyann while there is nothing you can do to mitigate the heardbreak of potential widowhood, I would have thought that your DHs health scare would have had the opposite effect to what you describe, as in a wake up call to be self sufficient, mentally emotionally and financially, incase the worst were to happen?

My DH means the world to me and if anything happened to him it would be catestrophic for me, but he is not the guardian of my welfare, he cant be! I have to be that for myself, and he for himself, with each others love and support of course.

I also would like to think that if I died and he lived, his "life" wouldnt end when mine did, and he would be able to carry on and look after himself

Surely this is not Sophie's Choice?
Love them all, sharing love is the only things we really need. I read some place that at every point in one's life there are at least 5 people who love you. Those who share your love can change but it is you, creating and returning love that is the center of all.
Love IS all we really need.
Not measuring love.

Yes, would always prioritise the younger generation. Because they are younger! And have lived less life than us. But this weird thing of loving one partner or sibling over another, I find quite disturbing. Maybe I am the less loved one? Wouldn’t surprise me! Usually get the booby prize.

*one’s partner or a sibling

Husband first always. You met him first, loved him first, lived with him first, shared the joy of children with him first, the pleasure of becoming grandparents with him first. The children fit in with your lives, not the other way round, and when they leave home it will be just you two once again. My mother told me that on my wedding too, and here I am 53 years later to tell you all that she was right ?

Agree with you BlueBelle. My children would always come first.

Gillybob my mum was exactly the same as yours. My dad always came first and to be honest I don’t think he really wanted children. We always had to be in bed when he came home and out of the way and we only ever had one holiday with them both as my dad hated it. I wasn’t frightened of him but I think it forced me to be fiercely independent and I always clashed with him. He wasn’t an unkind man but really only wanted my mum. He has died now and I cannot say that I miss him which I find quite sad.
I love my husband and children equally and don’t think that I could choose between them but I am really thankful we don’t have the same relationship with our sons that I had with my father.

Very similar to my experience Cambia I loved my mum very much but she was a different person around my dad. He worked shifts in heavy industry and when he was on nights my mum was so needy. She would insist that my sister and I slept in her bed (we couldn’t even go in the room and sit on the end when my dad was home). She would allow us to stay up to watch the end of something on TV (because she liked it) whereas my dad was very spiteful and would make us go to bed 5 minutes before the end of something “just because he had the power to”.

When he came in from work he would stride across the living room and pick and imaginary piece of dirt up just so he could start as he meant to go on and we would hide away in our room. No noise while he ate his dinner, no friends over when he was in etc. To be honest (and maybe I should be ashamed to say this) I hated him and wished he would go to work and never come back. I loved to be at my grandma and grandads house and spent as much time there as possible and would have happily moved there all together if my parents would have allowed it (they wouldn’t) .

These days my dad has mellowed hugely. He dotes on my grandchildren (although he and my mum didn’t have time for their own as it would have infringed on “their” precious time). My dads on his own now and needs to have me around to keep him company, include him in family things and to see his “precious” great grandchildren. I am still a bit frightened of the man he once was and can’t help but feel a little bit bitter and very sad when I see him all lovely with my little ones.

Paddyann, yes always, you say you can live with the loss of your child but not sure if you could with the death of your husband . I haven’t forgotten the pain of my husband dying even though it was years ago. My darling daughter dying was only six months ago.

My husband died in a car accident , when I was told of his death I said then and still think - he lay alone on that road through the night, I wish someone had been with him, to hold his body.

When my daughter died she was not alone, two people tried to save her ,the rescue team were there quickly and took her from the river. My thoughts then and still are - I wish I had been with her to hold her , I held her after her birth , I wanted to hold her when she died.

I didn’t know how I would go on without my husband, I don’t want to go on without my daughter.