Iis it unnatural to love your partner MORE than your children.

My children are independent adults with their ow homes. I am single with dogs!

I see my children a lot and do a lot for them but they know that the dogs now come first!

I would do the same for my husband DanniRae.

I would, without a doubt, lay down and die for my children. There is no-one else in this world that I would do that for. I can't say more than that.

I love my boys more than my own life and would be destroyed to lose any of them. I could live without my husband though. We've been married 34 years. I never wanted any of my boys to leave home. I am used to them not living with us now, but I don't like it and don't think I ever shall.

By controlling I mean the ‘if you love me you would do as I want/say ‘ but I do not agree that love cannot bring anguish

I completely agree with you Anniebach - love definitely is not controlling.

Love is not controlling . Sorry but your definition of love is not mine

www.elephantjournal.com/2014/11/if-it-hurts-it-isnt-love-bullsht/

Impossible to experience love without experiencing emotional pain.

I agree with you mumofmadboys the word love can sometimes be replaced by commitment and real love can be agony at times. I am committed to looking after my dad, I love him because he is my dad but I don’t feel that intense feeling that I do for my children, grandchildren or husband.

For example when my DD was giving birth recently the love I felt for her was so intense and the feelings of absolute helplessness to do anything caused me so much pain because I love her so much. For that time felt that I could have died for her.

That's fine mumofmadboys - there is no need to agree with me at all.

I once had exactly the same point of view and I felt angry even when considering if it might be right - the idea that if we are experiencing emotional pain then we aren't truly experiencing love because the two cannot exist together.

Emotional pain can be a way to punish ourselves for many reasons some of which we may not understand - I feel perhaps we sometimes gain these misunderstood beliefs from the way love is often portrayed to make novels & films more interesting as they show us that the more we suffer the stronger our love must be.

But who says we should suffer at all? We weren't born to live in anguish over things - if it is love - true love - then why would love keep us tied up and constricted in pain?

If love is anything surely it's freeing and not controlling at all?

I don't agree with your last paragraph rizlett.Love does hurt- frequently! I sometimes think the word love can be replaced by commitment. We may not always have a warm feeling towards our loved ones but hopefully we are always 100% committed to them through thick and thin. Feelings can waver but love is deeper than that.

The only thing that's seems clear from our posts is that love means different things to different people - and even different things to us at times as we change throughout our lives.

Perhaps we confuse love and like? I love all my DC but I don't always like what they do or how they are and as soon as we compare or try to measure anything other than curtains we lose love in that moment.

I find it interesting how love appears to be connected to being needed and wonder if this is how it's meant to be?

It's impossible to truly love anyone else until we first learn to love ourselves - without any self criticism or judgement. As soon as we judge - our love has left momentarily so therefore love is fluid - strong at times - weak at others and sometimes the hardest of all when people we love cause us pain even inadvertently. If love hurts though - that isn't really love at all.

Lovely post Day6
When you meet your partner you will probably 'fall in love' and, with luck, the love will grow into something substantial and longlasting.
When I was pregnant for the second time I wondered how I could love another child as much as I loved the first one but a wise person told me that 'each child brings their own love with them' and, of course, you do love them unconditionally.
Even when they are difficult teenagers the love is still there even if you don't like what they do.

So many posters have said it so well. Love doesn't begin and end it goes on and sometimes those in our life need more love from us than at other times but they all remained loved,

I have always said I would walkover hot coals for my children if that's what it took to keep them safe. I still would even now they are adults. That love doesn't go away. I fell out of love with their father and that caused much anguish but you do stop loving people if their behaviour towards you causes pain. After 25 years I have forgiven him and still have fondness for him, choosing to remember our good times and not the bad. Now I have a different man in my life (have for many years) and I am able to love him. My children love him too which is wonderful. My grandchildren when born filled my heart with so much love. Another one has come along and he has stolen our hearts too.

Our hearts have a capacity for so much love. Different amounts are doled out at different times but for me it's like a current that always flows.

You also can't compare bereavements. (No idea why anyone would try to).

Of course there was no mention of age in the question - you don't love your child less at 22yrs than you did when 2yrs! In an emergency situation you would have to put a baby or toddler first because they can't understand- or help themselves- love has nothing to do with it!

Well said gillybob - anyone would think from some of these replies that it was a set measurement! Love is infinite. I find it very sad that anyone has to try and measure it- and even more sad for their recipients.

I was a single parent to my son for 5 years before I had my daughter and I wondered if I could possibly love anyone as much as I did my boy. I needn't have worried at all because love is not a set measurement like slices of a cake, you don't have to stop loving one person as much in order to fit love in for someone else. Love is infinite. I now love my children, my DH and my grandchildren, all as much as life itself.

Sorry, I misunderstood

Which is the point I was making.

MOnica, comparing the loss of a child with the loss of a spouse is no different to asking who do you love more .

Blencathra spot on. I love my spouse, children, and grandchildren equally and differently and respond to their needs on a case by case basis that doesn't include measuring how much I love them.

Annie I do not think that you can compare and contrast the loss of a spouse and child. My DS died several years before my mother's death. My parents were devoted to each other, and my father missed my mother every day for the next 15 years until he died, but it was the loss of his DD that remained the loss that most deeply affected him for the rest of his life. Your child is flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood, it is a completely different more primal loss than the loss of a partner.

Most definitely, my partner is there for me 24/7 my children only when they want something or feel they should be

There was no mention of age in the question