Telling the children their Grandma is dying

Badger's Parting Gift by Susan Varley.

I really feel for you all. Amazon have a whole section of books explaining death to children of different ages. Your local bookshop should also be able to help. Teachers will be helpful too and there may be books in the library, school and public. Try before you buy. I found when explaining to my own children about death that it was important not to use phrases such as "lost" or "passed" for obvious reasons. I can remember explaining to my very small son (intelligent) about when flowers in a vase died (after givingmuch pleasure) that they never came back to life but that we could plant seeds and create more flowers - he seemed to grasp this. We also have always planted somethings, bulbs, a shrub or a tree for the special people in our lives who have died. These have moved house with us (or cuttings) and have been referred to often (Fred's tree) and allowed us to talk and remember. A scrapbook with photos, memories, favourite meal, sweets, colour etc is helpful for small children.. But also create happy memories now. Visits can be very short and sweet when someone is ill and so that small children are under no pressure. They do not need to know too much in advance and be burdened. I wish you all the strength you need at this time.

My SiL’s mother died a couple of years ago when our GSs were 8 and 4. She was in hospital and knew she was dying, and after thinking long and hard about it she decided she’d like to say goodbye to the boys.

It was explained that grandma was ill and would die soon. Both boys visited her and said the final goodbyes with hugs and kisses. I don’t think I really hit home at the time but now they remember that and are none the worse for the experience.

We try to shelter our children from sadness and hurt, possibly too much. Coming to terms with loss in a supportive family environment will surely make them more understanding and resilient in years to come. Both boys talk about grandma if the situation arises.

The best I can advise the OP is not to let an very anxious person broach the subject, but instead find someone who can tell them quietly and sympathetically but without too much emotion or fuss. And be prepared (well prepared) for any questions which might arise.

Children are very interested in death, it is adults who shy away from talking about it. I was a widow very young in life and children had lots of questions, it was their parents who were embarrassed and desperately tried to change the subject. I should try the library for books, it easier if the person is older and ill- there were no books on fit, active, twenty something year old fathers dying in accidents and I rather doubt there are now. I have seen Badger's Parting Gifts and liked it.
The advice I was given, when I had to explain death to my 2 yr old was very like Feelingmyage55 to use the example of things that have died like the flowers or insects or road kill etc to explain they will never come back and also never to use words like 'gone to sleep'.
The scrap book is a great idea.
I agree with Anya to be matter of fact and treat it as a normal part of life- it is something that will happen to us all but not something for the boys to worry about because most people are quite old.
I go with the person may be gone but the love and memories live on.
It was a very gradual understanding with my son - he certainly didn't understand at 2yrs but the supportive family environment where questions can be answered truthfully helps.
I would take them to the funeral.

That must have been very hard for you Leticia

It was hard. In a way it was easier for me because he was a baby at the time and so I had time to sort myself out before I had to explain. It is the only time I had a counsellor because how do you explain death to a toddler? Not easy. The counsellor was attached to the church in some way (can't remember how) but she said not to mention heaven- too confusing. She was very much on the lines you and Feelingmyage55 suggested.
I didn't take him to the funeral- he was under a year old- but I have been to several lately with grandchildren there and I think it helpful if they are walking and talking.

My counterpart Gran died on New Year's Day. Throughout my two GSs 6 and 4 were told that Grandma was poorly. They visited her in hospital about a week before she died but I don't think they recognised her and just sat at a nearby table colouring in.

They were told she had died and was now a star in the sky. The eldest said to me whilst walking to school 'I am sad that grandma has died' I told him that was quite normal and that his grandma still loved him. He said 'I may cry today' and I told him that was ok.

My younger GS said nothing about the death until 4 months later when we are all out walking around a lovely Botanical Gardens. He went up to some strangers and just piped up 'my grandma is dead but here is the rest of my family' and that was it.

I have been so relieved that the whole question of death is just accepted by both boys as being normal.

I agree about taking children to funerals, and it also helps the adults too when children are there.

Totally agree with all that's been said. My friend wouldn't allow her 13 yr old to see her nan in her last weeks or to attend the funeral. Ten years or so later the girl had mental health issues and blamed her mother 'for messing with my head" by not allowing her to say goodbye to her much loved nan.

The Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson is excellent without ever actually mentioning Death. It concentrates on memories. My GC love it.

Children can be very matter of fact about Death and are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Sorry - I forgot to mention that the children will probably be discussing this at school with their friends. My ten year old GD told me several friends had recently had deaths in the family.

Both my parents died before I knew them. My adoptive parents and my grandparents talked quite naturally about the fact they had died and death in general.
I agree that the children should be told by someone who can do so without becoming upset themselves and to avoid euphemisms or complicating things with talk of heaven.
Actually the only Granma that caused me problems was the one who would sometimes talk of my mother being an angel and watching me. Separating angel from ghost was hard and I still don't like anything to do with angels.

Good advice here - Like Leticia I would recommend 'Badger's Parting Gifts -you can also find a video of it being read on You Tube.

Sorry that your family is facing sad times Bobbysgirl

I would personally not go further than to say grandma is very poorly for the time being.
Little children’s sense of time is undeveloped and time enough when the end comes.
I was with our little DGCs yesterday for a Sixth Birthday and they have been told Grandpa (who slipped away just 3 days ago ) has gone to heaven and is with Jesus and if they look up at the night sky at the twinkling stars he is looking down on them.
DGS was puzzled at why his present and card were from “granny and grandpa ” and when I explained that he had helped to choose them before he went into hospital, the little boy gave me a huge hug then went to put his arms round an empty chair which just happened to be beside me in the room.
I was very touched. ?

I agree with Badgers parting gift. One of the ons I used when my dad died. I lost my dad then my partner within 6 months of each other. When my children were 6&8. Both unexpected. So no chance to prepare. Be prepared for unexpected questions. Mine drew pictures to put in partners coffin. My son wanted to know if Nick would need his braces in heaven ! Also they sat at my mums looking at her condolence cards while watching cartoons. I am not going to deny it was tough as coping with my own grief too but it’s doable. I did saw no when my daughter wanted to visit Nick in chapel of rest, I felt i couldn’t win either way but I now no it was right decision. But each child is different.

Try www.winstonswish.org.uk/ - charity for bereaved children - they are wonderful and offer masses of good advice

I agree with those who say that children adapt very well to the death of a loved one - the main issue for them is whether life changes as a result, will it be their main carer who has gone and will they have to get used to a new carer. Just tell them the truth and don't hide things unnecessarily. I doubt if giving them a book to read is either helpful or necessary. You may find that the death of a beloved pet is far more distressing to them than the death of a grandparent whom they don't often see.

Thanks for all the advice - things are not helped by the fact that DD has anxiety issues herself, still suffering from PND after the birth of her 4-yr old. SiL’s family are not good at expressing their emotions, so DD is struggling to help him and manage herself &the boys - and we live 300 miles away!

I may have this as a reading at Paw’s funeral.
It is from No Matter What by Debi Gliori

“Does love wear out” said Small, “does it break or bend?
Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?”
“Oh help,” said Large “I’m not that clever.
I just know I’ll love you forever”.
Small said: “But what about when you’re dead and gone -
would you love me then, does love go on?”
Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night,
at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.
“Small, look at the stars – how they shine and glow.
Yet some of those stars died a long time ago.
Still they shine in the evening skies…
Love, like starlight, never dies”.

Sorry for your loss mawbroon ?
I took my dd to see my father before he died. She was 4 & had a close bond with him. I took her to his funeral too. It turned out to be a controversial decision amongst the family but the right decision for me and my dd.
I wish I had had a book to explain things. We aren't a religious family but I told her he's a star in the sky ?

Sorry for your loss too Maw I hadn’t heard this till now

So sorry for your loss, Mawbroon. What a lovely poem - it gave me a very warm glow, having experienced close bereavement very recently.

My grandchildren were very close to my mum (great grandma) who died last year Bobbysgirl They saw her at least once a week, every week for their whole lives. I have written a lot about our experiences on various other threads (which I am sure will be still around somewhere) but just briefly, my mum had been very ill for quite some time and after spending some time in hospital she made the brave decision to end treatment and come home, to die.

As a family we felt it was important to be honest with the children who were then (10,8 and 6). We told them that grandma was very poorly (they already knew this) and that she was going to die in the coming days. We asked if they would like to visit her for the last time, "on earth" my little grandson piped up (insisting that he would see her again in heaven). The children visited her and talked, played and carried on as they always would have except for the fact that my mum was lying in a hospital bed in her own home. They took turns sitting on the bed and telling their stories and news, eventually it was time to leave and they each said goodbye. My mum told them that she loved them very much and wished them a happy life. They gave her a lovely cuddle and they left. Fully understanding that they wouldn't see her again. My mum died just a couple of days later. They all still talk about that day but always in a positive way. For our family it was the right thing to do.

I have incurable cancer which means I may or may not be around long depending on how maintenance works. This is a really good on line booklet from the heart foundation. It was recommenddd by the oncology department I attend when I asked for something for my grandchildren. www.bhf.org.uk/heart-health/children-and-young-people/heart-conditions-in-children/bereavement-support-for-children
I also think that watching the Disney film 'moana' with them would help as nanny dies in it.