Telling the children their Grandma is dying

Maw Broon. Those are lovely words they brought tears to my eyes.

I do believe in being matter of fact and honest whilst also accepting that it is fine to be sad and tearful at times.

My DGC lost their Great Nan after a short illness, a couple of years ago when they were 4, 6 and 8. Their own Mum was totally distraught for a long time as they were very close. We had the children quite a lot at this time and they shed a few tears especially at bed time. They were not allowed to go to the funeral. I was looking after them and at that time we talked about her, how lovely she was and some of the funny things and good times they remembered about her. They seemed to accept that they would not see her again except in their own minds when they thought about her, which is a special kind of memory.

I found it quite difficult to be honest but to also be sensitive to their Mum's beliefs. She told them Nana had gone to be a star in the sky, in heaven. After a little while I found a website where you can name a star. We chose one in Sagittarius, her star sign and received a star map, some information and a certificate explaining that the star now had her name. The children gave it to their other Nan (her daughter). I think she really appreciated it and it also gave the children some closure too, making them feel they had taken part in some celebration of their Great Nan's life.

When their great Grandad (her husband) died about a year later their Mum, again distraught, asked their Dad to tell them. He sat them down and gently told them, 'You know Grandad has been very poorly, well I'm afraid that you won't be able to see him again.' To which youngest DGD responded, 'You mean he's dead!' They were all sad and shed a tear, then had cuddles and went off to play. They now talk fondly about their memories of both of them so I guess they have come to terms with their deaths in a healthy way.

I try to prepare DGC for my own death by being light hearted about it. We talk about things in the future when I 'won't be here' or when something funny happens I might say, 'This is one of the things you'll laugh about when I'm dead!' After all the only sure thing about life is death!

SallyDap - thank you

Goodbye Mog

Honesty is the best policy, because unless told bluntly, even adults can think that someone will fight an illness and win, and that miracles happen (which they do, sometimes). Children need to be prepared, so they aren't left dealing with both the death itself, and the total shock of having no idea it was even likely.

I was 10 when my grandfather died. He had been ill for a long time and I hadn't seen him for weeks but it came as a complete shock when I was told he had died. It had never occurred to me that he wouldn't get better. Naturally I hadn't been told what was going on and I certainly wasn't taken to the funeral. I think I was mainly upset by being treated as if I didn't matter and didn't need to be told things.

My Daughter-in-Law father is dying, her Mum died quite a long time ago, last week she brought her grown up boys to say goodbye to Granddad, but he is hanging on it is a matter of time now the Hospital says.
I was so heartened today when she send a photo at the Hospital taken with her father and my Grandson who is just sixteen he had gone to visit Grandad as he knew his Mum was there alone, he had taken a train from School and gone to the Hospital to see his Grandfather, he was really shocked when he saw him, but how plucky of my Grandson to do this, and so thoughful too,I know he will remember this moment for the rest of his life, and I hope Grandfather knows he is there with him.

So sorry MawBroon - it is a lovely poem- one I shall print out.

You don't have to have a funeral, look at pure cremation. You are collected, cremated and returned (if you want). Then go straight for the 'wake'. The family can play the music you liked, talk about you, etc. All the enjoyable stuff where people end up laughing that happens after a funeral without the depressing side of the funeral itself. And it could be invite only, you can help your family choose what you want. It's like a last party for Nanny, I'm going to be at mine, in an urn, on the table next to a cake in the shape of irregular choice shoes! I'm sure the dgc will remember that with a smile.

Maw - so sorry to hear your news. The poem is lovely and stay strong for the coming days.

I think it's best to be honest - I like th flowers analogy. Not so keen on 'going to sleep' which can be misleading, or ;a new star; which is untrue, or even 'in heaven with Jesus'. A young relative of mine was told that her Aunt was up in the clouds with Jesus ' and next time she was in an aeroplane was looking for her!
I also agree that children can be matter of fact. My GS aged 5 said to me recently 'Is your mummy dead?' I said yes. HE then asked if my Daddy and my brother were dead too and I agreed. He then said 'never mind you've still got Uncle x left' (my other brother) so I agreed. My DiL apologised and said she hoped I wasn't upset but I said no - it all happened a long time ago.
Another child I know who lost his mum at age 9 said yo a friend 'Is my Mummy alive or dead' and the friend said 'dead' and he said 'correct!' And they carried on playing without mentioning it again! His Dad was upset to hear this conversation but I think he was just clarifying in is mind if it was real.

Never underestimate children- I was amazed by the reasoning of a 2yr old.
In my case I didn't take my son to his father's funeral because he was far too young. I had similar circumstances to Conni7 and may well have not taken him if 3 or 4 yrs.
I do think that it is very different when a grandparent- especially one who has been ill- and the funeral is to celebrate their life. They are much more personal these days. My friend wrote her own and all her grandchildren were there- even the one in a pram.

Was given the advice to avoid saying it was like going to sleep- it can cause anxiety about sleeping for some children.
I was talking about this very subject today to someone who has a funeral next week and young grandchildren. He was saying how dreadful it was when he was young, children didn't go to funerals and the person was never talked about.
One of his grandchildren has expressed the wish to write a poem and read it out at the funeral. I went to one recently where an 8yr old read out her own poem to her great grandmother and it was lovely.
Answer questions honestly and take the lead from the children.

When my first husband died in a car accident, I didn't take my children (aged 3 and 4) to the funeral. How do you explain Cremation to them? Far too upsetting. I explained death by saying that usually their toys would last a long time as most people did, but sometimes when fairly new they got broken and couldn't be used any more. In the same way, Daddy had had an accident and had gone to Heaven. They are now in their fifties and seem to have survived!

Maw sorry to hear of paws death ?
Sallydapp hope treatment works for a log time ?

I see my best friend and her kids weekly, and absences are usually explained. It was carefully explained to her 4 year old son, that I couldn't see him because my mummy was very very poorly and I was with her. Then, that he needed to give me a cuddle as I was very sad because my mummy had died.

He walked up to me, looked me up and down, and said "Your mummy is dead!" I was fine about it, but my BF was mortified!

When I was about 5 yrs old my lovely Grandad died and I still remember to this day protesting about not being allowed to go to the funeral and saying ' but he's MY Grandad'. I am now 81 and it is still clear in my head.

MawBroon
So sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Paw

Bobbysgirl: your DD knows her children best and will know whether the advice only to say that Granny is very ill right now is the right thing. A six year old may make the connection between being very ill and death and start asking questions, so you need to be prepared for that.

Depending on what your family believes talking about heaven may not be appropriate, but if or when the children bring it up you can say that some people believe dying is like going to sleep and others think there is a new life waiting to begin.

The important thing as others have said is to make sure that the children understand that death is a final parting.

I think now is the time for your DD to tell her six-year old's teacher the situation, as my experience as a teacher was that some sensitive children don't talk to their parents about death because they realise mummy or daddy is sad and come out with statements at school instead.

I think too it helps if you and your DD sit down and work out exactly how you are going to deal with this, so you are in agreement about what you say and do.

How old is/are the younger child/ children? My great-nephews were quite a bit older when my aunt, who they were very close to, their great-great aunt died. They visited her in hospital, but did not see her after she had died, but have often asked their mother to take them to the cemetery to put flowers on her grave and they did go to the funeral, and when the oldest was the age of your oldest grandson they both went to my father's funeral.

If you can treat death as a natural part of life, it will make it easier for the children too, but I know this is a really hard thing to do.

Sorry for your loss, Maw; I'm hearing it now for the first time too. Keep in touch when you feel like it.

That’s a lovely book mentioned by Leticia.

Hi,
I would recommend Winston's Wishes - they have a fantastic selection of books and you can call them for advice.
www.winstonswish.org.uk/
Winston's Wish is the UK's childhood bereavement charity.

Sorry for your loss Mawbroon.

Perhaps Michael Rosen's "Book of Sad" might help .
I think it depends on the family, the child and the circumstances, how and what to tell them.

I also recommend Badgers parting gift.
I had forgotten about it until mentioned up thread by Lettica I think.
It was given to me by the hospice when my DM passed to read to my children (2 and 5)