How do you cope with guilt & regret as you move towards old age?

I find all the biblical pronouncements very trying and unhelpful. Nowhere in the Bible have I found comfort or help - it's all frightening and full of dire consequences for not toeing the paths of righteousness.
Historically, the Bible was written by men in order to document a doctrine which was used to control the masses.
I'm not actually an atheist as such, and I have no wish to offend those with profound faith, but I find myself unable to have dealings with any formal religion.

Bluesmum - wish there was a "like" button!

Better to remember the lessons you learned from your bad decisions than to wallow in guilt.

After all we are meant to learn from our mistakes but first we must make some mistakes.

Another quote, which I learned from another gransnetter, bluesmum, is: The only reason for looking back is to see how far you've come".

When I think of regrets about decisions I made in the past that I might not make now, I remind myself that I didn't know then what I knew later and what I know now. Then it seems that a shrug and move on attitude is best.

Yes exactly Baggs I think there is a song by George Benson (???) with the chorus;

If I knew back then, what I know now
If I understood the what, when, why and how
Now it's clear to me
What I should have done
But hindsight is 20/20 vision

Just about sums it up for me.

There is a saying which is yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery. Don't look back, we all make mistakes I know I did big time but what I have learnt is to carry on and look to the future. And maybe do things differently.

Bee, it would seem your guilt goes back to when you had the pregnancy terminated. You did the best with the situation at the time. I know of others in the same position as you, they regret it like you. Please forgive yourself as you must have felt there was no way out at the time. It is so easy with hindsight to think you could have done things differently, but no one has a crystal ball to see into the future. You can tell by your past you are a very caring person, so it must have been tight fir you at the time.Thank goodness I wasn't in your position, but many were and made the same decision. Not one person, can honestly say they have made at least one decision they could question unless they are very smug or a fool. Try to focus on your successes and the good things that have happened.?

Terminations are done with the best of intentions, mine was to prioritise the children I already had, I have no idea why other people chose the same solutions but I do know that like me, they did not do it lightly and without suffering.

I don't think that the bible helps much and feel sad when people use it as a weapon, we do the very best we can at the time, with the information and resources that we have.

I have many regrets, and guilt, but then I did what I could at the time, of many events, for other people's welfare as much as my own. Whatever we do, we ususally make the decisions from love and that is never the wrong choice.

I have had depression for decades, tried all the CBT stuff nothing helps me, I just have to try and help myself because I can't explain the grief, fear, anxiety. Two Christmasses ago I had asked a friend to re home my little dog and was determined to end my life.......it is like being haunted sometimes. It is not unusual and people do cope with it, debilitating though it is, and scary. Whatever you are feeling, you are not alone and it will pass. Nothing lasts forever not even your own life, not the joys or the pain, the fears or the sorrows. Try to feel calm if you can, worry doesn't help, I wish I culd chage things in my life but I can't and that, is life.

bee please be kind to yourself
I too can recommend a mindfulness course

I empathise with your looking back, I have had a wonderful career and happy marriage, three wonderful children, and six adorable grandchildren, but I too briefly think of the choices I made, not with any sense of regret just curiosity about where different paths may have taken me. I think it's normal to have those thoughts, you should not have regrets because you do not know the result of the other choice you could have made.

Someone said recently (TV? radio?)something along the lines of 'Put all your worries/negative thoughts into an express train and watch it disappear into the distance.' I've done that whenever I have a twinge of guilt or regret, and it seems to work. The important thing is - where are you now in your life? Do you have good relationships with friends and family? If so, then be content that you have reached that happy situation. If not, then it's time to send your negative thoughts packing and concentrate on the present. As for the past, it really is 'a foreign country - they do things differently there'. Our view of the past can never be accurate, so how can our judgement of ours or others' behaviour and motives be accurate. I sometimes wonder about the outcome had I had more confidence to take a job offered to me and which I refused. Waste of time. Who knows what might have happened? I could have been run over by a bus on my way to that super job. I can quite understand and sympathise with feelings of guilt after a termination, but you made a choice at that time when your emotions were all over the place. Let it go, with sadness perhaps but also compassion for that younger you. You have to forgive yourself. If these feelings really are interfering with your happiness and health, then please see your GP.

One way of thinking which I find helpful when lying sleepless at night & mulling over past decisions, is to remember that there must be others who have truly awful things to regret, things which perhaps have had dreadful consequences. It somehow seems wrong then to keep brooding on my own mistakes, and I find my thoughts and sympathy turning to those who must have agonising dark hours to deal with. Rather sombre I know, but I do find it helps to put my own regrets into perspective and feel blessed for the good things in life.

Agree with Bluebelle and Bee-there's nothing wrong with you -you just have a very active mind. We're all different. I would just accept that this happens. The more you resist it, the more you'll worry about overthinking and probably do even more. 'What you resist, persists. What you accept, dissolves.'

I too dwell on regrets and what ifs.i know there is no point and it is not good for my mental health so try to think on other things, I have had counselling but it didn't help. I just do the best I can from day to day.

I always thought one of the rules for posting was not to include personal views on religion. Did I get that wrong? There are so many differing views that someone is bound to be hurt, upset or made to feel guilty. If you want to follow a religion that's fine, it's your prerogative but if you want others to follow as well then I suggest you go and knock on doors in your spare time just don't post your views on a site where someone is looking for sympathetic advice.

I was once told that everyone is doing the best they can at the time.

Even people who are motivated by greed or jealousy, say, are unable at that time, to appreciate the results of their actions.

Most people do not have unpleasant motivations yet manage to make mistakes, small and large, while trying their best.

All we can do is try not to keep making mistakes, and not beat ourselves up about the bygone ones.

This is rumination and is often a symptom of depression. I recognise it well because I suffered terribly for years, locked into regret, self-hatred, self-loathing and guilt from which there was no escape. I was convinced that, if anyone could see the 'real me', they wouldn't want to know such a dreadful, sub human specimen as I was.
I tried every trick in the book NOT to overthink constantly but my tired, sick mind wouldn't let me. It was torture. The only respite was sleep, if that ever came. On waking, there it was again, combined with anxiety, envy of those contended enough to enjoy life, horror of the future.
I had years of therapy but in the end, for me, it was the right meds, and time, which made the most difference. At least, I think it was. All I really know for sure now is that for the last few years I have felt lighter and more alive than ever before. I get my down days but I am able to live the moment far more, appreciate what I have and I don't look back nearly so much. I still feel guilt -and believe me, I have things to feel guilty about - but I am not that person I was, I have learned, I try to make amends. Sometimes our actions are borne out of lack of thought, and simply because we are human. It's because you, bee63, are a thoughtful and sensitive person, that your thoughts torture you so much, but you can and will learn to forgive yourself, treat yourself with kindness and compassion, accept what has been and turn your face forwards.

Are you able to visit your GP and explain how you are feeling? Meds aren't for everyone but they might help you over a difficult patch so you can benefit from some counselling. If you are feeling very low much of the time, you might struggle to get the best out of any therapy or help.

Learning self-love, self compassion and acceptance are key to being able to move out of your pain. I hope you can find the help you need and I wish you well.

Beautiful post Rowantree. Thankyou for your wise words. I can absolutely relate. For me, the combination of medication, therapy and meditation (and just the mellowing of age) were what helped me in the end. We all did our best. As my favourite aunt used to say "even the angels can't do better".

..dont look back..you're not going that way..✨

bee63 Everybody makes mistakes it's part of life, I spend some time looking back but mainly about happy times, when the children were small, family holidays, days spent with friends etc.Do you spend a lot of time alone? My husband still works, so I spend a bit of time alone but I have hobbies and I fill my alone time with them. Try to concentrate on good memories. You sound very unhappy, could you be a bit depressed?

I can be a bit maudling at times looking over my past esp in the wee small hours, when I can't sleep, my mind seems to think this is the best time to review every bad decision etc. I tend to get up if I can't sleep and distract my mind with other things. Also when I started to think about one or two mistakes then it snowballed into all the bad decisions I ever made.

Be kind to yourself, think of all the truly nice things you have done for others and wipe out the guilt and regrets. We all have guilt, we just try to keep it in file 13 and don't let them out play much.

Also try to keep the body active during the day so it is too tired to dwell. Perhaps go for a brisk walk during day.

I believe that no one should have regrets, because we all do what we believe/think to be right at the time. No one is born with hindsight (a good thing really) so we should not beat ourselves up with what we should have done instead of what we did. I look back on my life and yes, I do wonder what would have happened if I had done that instead of what I did and then see that from "bad" decisions, some "good" has resulted from them. Look to today, not yesterday that is dead and buried and tomorrow holds another page to our life's journey.

'What if?' and 'If only' are 4 words that took me a long time to come to grips with. I've now more or less agreed with myself that the past is the past and nothing can be done - BUT it is that past that has made me what I am today and whilst horrid things have happened and embarrassing things I've become more positive about myself - though I'm not sure if my family agrees

Spot Tue 18-Jul-17 14:48:01

WTF ???

(((((Bee))))) and ignore that 'fake' fact.

Experience - some say it leads to wisdom but it can be depressing. As many have posted, the first thing to accept is that what's done is done; however in the case of people that you hurt it may be possible to speak to them - or their surviving partner/children if it was something that they were aware of? The knock-on effects of this can be powerful as an example and lead to others acting sooner perhaps? We cannot change the past - but we can choose how to act in the future...