How do you cope with guilt & regret as you move towards old age?

How I envy you Aslemma! I suppose it is those of us who don't always feel we did what was right at the time who live with guilt and regrets. Other factors were in play, other reasons came to the fore. Life and human nature can be a bitch sometimes, and it's those actions that can come back to bite you in the wee small hours.

I have few regrets as I can honestly say I always did what felt right at the time. I was quite prepared to listen to others but the final choice had to be mine. After the divorce I managed to bring up 5 children as a single mum and they all seem to have survived the experience and gone on to have happy families.

What a lovely sentiment TyneAngel and I can see why you keep the poem 'she let go' to hand. Simple words such as these can help when sad thoughts and feelings are rushing around our head and we realise that we can let them go, albeit with effort. Bee I hope that you too can reach a place where you can accept that the past has happened and let it go now, don't let it hold you back. Enjoy the present and look forward to the future and the new and happy memories you are in the process of making. Good luck in your journey Bee.

Dear Bee, as you can see, many (most?) of us here share your feelings to one degree or another. Here's something I copied and pinned on my kitchen pinboard: 'You may wish that you had made different choices, but guess what? That wish is never going to be granted. So live the life you've actually got' - Graham Norton (!). There's also a poem I find helpful, called 'She let go', you'll find it on line, it's quite long. It's stuck to the front of my fridge (yes, it is getting a bit crowded in there). I read it out loud when I'm feeling low/stressed. Be kind to yourself.

Try to believe that you did your best at the time and try not to punish yourself now.

Try to believe that you did your best at the time and try not yo punosh yourself now.

I think the best advice I ever got on this point is when I was struggling after my divorce. Intellectually I knew we had both stayed in a bad marriage way past its expiration date. We did it for many reasons including the fact that we loved each other very much even when it was obvious that we were not good for each other. When we did eventually divorce I was simultaneously struggling with the loss of the relationship and with the loss of so many years. The advice I got on the first point was: list all the reasons you had for the divorce, put it in writing and read it when you doubt it was the right thing to do. I soon discovered that what I was grieving was not the relationship I had, but the relationship we wanted and never been able to forge. The advice I got on the second part was to list all the reasons I had to stay married that long. Surprisingly I was finally able to recall at least some good times we had together and as a family. I could finally look with fondness over those years and a sense of serenity that the decision I made to stay was based on who we both were at the time.
Since then I have applied this to many of my regrets and found some peace and forgiveness. There are things I know I have done wrong and been able to accept that without the ifs and buts and apologize, sometimes, sadly, while standing over a grave. But even for those, there is some sense of closure.

Experience - some say it leads to wisdom but it can be depressing. As many have posted, the first thing to accept is that what's done is done; however in the case of people that you hurt it may be possible to speak to them - or their surviving partner/children if it was something that they were aware of? The knock-on effects of this can be powerful as an example and lead to others acting sooner perhaps? We cannot change the past - but we can choose how to act in the future...

Spot Tue 18-Jul-17 14:48:01

WTF ???

(((((Bee))))) and ignore that 'fake' fact.

'What if?' and 'If only' are 4 words that took me a long time to come to grips with. I've now more or less agreed with myself that the past is the past and nothing can be done - BUT it is that past that has made me what I am today and whilst horrid things have happened and embarrassing things I've become more positive about myself - though I'm not sure if my family agrees

I believe that no one should have regrets, because we all do what we believe/think to be right at the time. No one is born with hindsight (a good thing really) so we should not beat ourselves up with what we should have done instead of what we did. I look back on my life and yes, I do wonder what would have happened if I had done that instead of what I did and then see that from "bad" decisions, some "good" has resulted from them. Look to today, not yesterday that is dead and buried and tomorrow holds another page to our life's journey.

I can be a bit maudling at times looking over my past esp in the wee small hours, when I can't sleep, my mind seems to think this is the best time to review every bad decision etc. I tend to get up if I can't sleep and distract my mind with other things. Also when I started to think about one or two mistakes then it snowballed into all the bad decisions I ever made.

Be kind to yourself, think of all the truly nice things you have done for others and wipe out the guilt and regrets. We all have guilt, we just try to keep it in file 13 and don't let them out play much.

Also try to keep the body active during the day so it is too tired to dwell. Perhaps go for a brisk walk during day.

bee63 Everybody makes mistakes it's part of life, I spend some time looking back but mainly about happy times, when the children were small, family holidays, days spent with friends etc.Do you spend a lot of time alone? My husband still works, so I spend a bit of time alone but I have hobbies and I fill my alone time with them. Try to concentrate on good memories. You sound very unhappy, could you be a bit depressed?

..dont look back..you're not going that way..✨

Beautiful post Rowantree. Thankyou for your wise words. I can absolutely relate. For me, the combination of medication, therapy and meditation (and just the mellowing of age) were what helped me in the end. We all did our best. As my favourite aunt used to say "even the angels can't do better".

This is rumination and is often a symptom of depression. I recognise it well because I suffered terribly for years, locked into regret, self-hatred, self-loathing and guilt from which there was no escape. I was convinced that, if anyone could see the 'real me', they wouldn't want to know such a dreadful, sub human specimen as I was.
I tried every trick in the book NOT to overthink constantly but my tired, sick mind wouldn't let me. It was torture. The only respite was sleep, if that ever came. On waking, there it was again, combined with anxiety, envy of those contended enough to enjoy life, horror of the future.
I had years of therapy but in the end, for me, it was the right meds, and time, which made the most difference. At least, I think it was. All I really know for sure now is that for the last few years I have felt lighter and more alive than ever before. I get my down days but I am able to live the moment far more, appreciate what I have and I don't look back nearly so much. I still feel guilt -and believe me, I have things to feel guilty about - but I am not that person I was, I have learned, I try to make amends. Sometimes our actions are borne out of lack of thought, and simply because we are human. It's because you, bee63, are a thoughtful and sensitive person, that your thoughts torture you so much, but you can and will learn to forgive yourself, treat yourself with kindness and compassion, accept what has been and turn your face forwards.

Are you able to visit your GP and explain how you are feeling? Meds aren't for everyone but they might help you over a difficult patch so you can benefit from some counselling. If you are feeling very low much of the time, you might struggle to get the best out of any therapy or help.

Learning self-love, self compassion and acceptance are key to being able to move out of your pain. I hope you can find the help you need and I wish you well.

I was once told that everyone is doing the best they can at the time.

Even people who are motivated by greed or jealousy, say, are unable at that time, to appreciate the results of their actions.

Most people do not have unpleasant motivations yet manage to make mistakes, small and large, while trying their best.

All we can do is try not to keep making mistakes, and not beat ourselves up about the bygone ones.

I always thought one of the rules for posting was not to include personal views on religion. Did I get that wrong? There are so many differing views that someone is bound to be hurt, upset or made to feel guilty. If you want to follow a religion that's fine, it's your prerogative but if you want others to follow as well then I suggest you go and knock on doors in your spare time just don't post your views on a site where someone is looking for sympathetic advice.

I too dwell on regrets and what ifs.i know there is no point and it is not good for my mental health so try to think on other things, I have had counselling but it didn't help. I just do the best I can from day to day.

Agree with Bluebelle and Bee-there's nothing wrong with you -you just have a very active mind. We're all different. I would just accept that this happens. The more you resist it, the more you'll worry about overthinking and probably do even more. 'What you resist, persists. What you accept, dissolves.'

One way of thinking which I find helpful when lying sleepless at night & mulling over past decisions, is to remember that there must be others who have truly awful things to regret, things which perhaps have had dreadful consequences. It somehow seems wrong then to keep brooding on my own mistakes, and I find my thoughts and sympathy turning to those who must have agonising dark hours to deal with. Rather sombre I know, but I do find it helps to put my own regrets into perspective and feel blessed for the good things in life.

Someone said recently (TV? radio?)something along the lines of 'Put all your worries/negative thoughts into an express train and watch it disappear into the distance.' I've done that whenever I have a twinge of guilt or regret, and it seems to work. The important thing is - where are you now in your life? Do you have good relationships with friends and family? If so, then be content that you have reached that happy situation. If not, then it's time to send your negative thoughts packing and concentrate on the present. As for the past, it really is 'a foreign country - they do things differently there'. Our view of the past can never be accurate, so how can our judgement of ours or others' behaviour and motives be accurate. I sometimes wonder about the outcome had I had more confidence to take a job offered to me and which I refused. Waste of time. Who knows what might have happened? I could have been run over by a bus on my way to that super job. I can quite understand and sympathise with feelings of guilt after a termination, but you made a choice at that time when your emotions were all over the place. Let it go, with sadness perhaps but also compassion for that younger you. You have to forgive yourself. If these feelings really are interfering with your happiness and health, then please see your GP.

I empathise with your looking back, I have had a wonderful career and happy marriage, three wonderful children, and six adorable grandchildren, but I too briefly think of the choices I made, not with any sense of regret just curiosity about where different paths may have taken me. I think it's normal to have those thoughts, you should not have regrets because you do not know the result of the other choice you could have made.

bee please be kind to yourself
I too can recommend a mindfulness course

Terminations are done with the best of intentions, mine was to prioritise the children I already had, I have no idea why other people chose the same solutions but I do know that like me, they did not do it lightly and without suffering.

I don't think that the bible helps much and feel sad when people use it as a weapon, we do the very best we can at the time, with the information and resources that we have.

I have many regrets, and guilt, but then I did what I could at the time, of many events, for other people's welfare as much as my own. Whatever we do, we ususally make the decisions from love and that is never the wrong choice.

I have had depression for decades, tried all the CBT stuff nothing helps me, I just have to try and help myself because I can't explain the grief, fear, anxiety. Two Christmasses ago I had asked a friend to re home my little dog and was determined to end my life.......it is like being haunted sometimes. It is not unusual and people do cope with it, debilitating though it is, and scary. Whatever you are feeling, you are not alone and it will pass. Nothing lasts forever not even your own life, not the joys or the pain, the fears or the sorrows. Try to feel calm if you can, worry doesn't help, I wish I culd chage things in my life but I can't and that, is life.