How do you cope with guilt & regret as you move towards old age?

Bee I also had a termination when I was in my mid-twenties. when I did leave.

Do not judge yourself by others' opinions, or standards that might have 'changed' over time in society. You did the best you could at the time and I am sure you know you did the right thing for you and yours. Be kind to yourself... you deserve it.

((((hugs))))

Have you thought of having counselling? It might help. Or hypnotherapy for erasing bad memories?

I take the view that all decisions I've made have been the right ones based on the information available at the time. So there's very little I regret to the extent that I'm kept awake worrying.

Just wanted to reassure Havemercy that you have not made a dreadful faux pas by posting your problem on an existing thread. It's just that the discussion has taken a rather serious turn (necessarily) because of the OP and others' worries.

Don't let it put you off posting! It happens to all of us at times - we post something we think is interesting or thought provoking and it falls flat on it's face!

Unnecessary cruel remark !

New nana uts just anxiety.When we bcone grandparents its a new and overwhelming worry and responsbilty.Are you aware of any probelm they are having parenting .If they arnt having any probelms of parenting apart from the normal lack of sleep etc.And if babe is fine then id put it all down to anxiety If it doesnt reslovle then see your dr .Hope this helps

You can't change the past, but you can change your view of it, and how you feel about it.
It sounds to me, bee like you need to forgive yourself for being young and scared when you got pregnant. You didn't do anything wrong

It's a rare person who doesn't sometimes lie awake at night mulling over their mistakes, I know I do.

Thank you all for being so kind & supportive. It really helps me reading all your thoughtful kind replies.

An acquaintance of mine used to say that you shouldn't blame yourself for past decisions - you made the best choice you could, based on what you knew at the time, however it worked out in the end. I think it's a sensible way to look at the past. The decisions you made were the right ones at the time, even if hindsight tells you that you should have done things differently. You did your best - don't spoil the present by regretting the past.

Sometimes it helps to think of the good that resulted from the bad choice. A wise poster said something like this "but if I didn't get pregnant too young and unmarried, I would not have my child, nor my adored grandchildren. My parents would not be GGPs." Wise to consider the good ending.

Speaking for myself, the answer is making a total commitment to Jesus. He literally did carry the sins of everyone who ever lived, in His body when He died on the Cross. It means that on Judgement Day, my sins (which have been many!) have already been dealt with.
It's not as easy as it sounds because there has to be that genuine repentance and giving your whole life to Jesus. It's not just - oh forgive me Lord so I can carry on in my own sweet way.
When you do that, God can make something even of your mistakes and sins. The prime example is King David who not only committed adultery but murdered Bathsheba's husband. However, after repenting (and God had to give him quite a push to do that!) David married Bathsheba, and her next baby was Solomon - who God blessed and used greatly.
Jesus did not sin, but carrying all our sins means He knows what the sin feels like. He understands the fear, guilt and regret.
You can't be an ostrich and pretend it never happened. That's just an illusion. The psychologist CG Jung said that Christianity was psychologically the best religion precisely because it's the only one that actually does something about sin and evil.
Other people will want to make you feel better (or condemn you!) but Jesus can actually do something about it.

Sorry, can I also add something about Bathsheba's first baby? That's the one King David murdered Bathsheba's husband for, so the husband wouldn't tell people it was David's baby! That baby died, even though David prayed and wept and begged God to let him live. But David, on hearing the baby had died, said: "I will go to be with him" [when David himself died].
If you have had an abortion, that baby does not cease to exist. He will be with Jesus and have a place in the Kingdom of God when Jesus returns to earth. I don't believe any baby dies who should have had a purpose on the earth now. God knows in advance which babies will not live, which ones will be aborted so He will make sure they aren't the ones He had a definite purpose for in the present time.

I have one huge regret, and dont think of it so often, but occasionally like today, I had reason to be made sad by my partner, then it all came back, I am glad I am not alone.
Sending hugs to bee 63 x

Trot off Spot and spout that religious shit somewhere else. Fine if you believe that mumbo jumbo but some of us prefer to live in the real world.

I had 2 terminations at different times in my life for totally different reasons and I don't regret either of them. What's the point?

One of the things I learned from my many years of having counseling was to forget the 'should have' and 'should not have' times. We did what was best at the time. We are only human
Forgive yourself.

Not knowing what your specific regrets are it's difficult to say, but if any of the matters that plague your mind can be discussed and explained with the relevant person or associated person that would be a good start. Often, always even we do things without having the full picture and I do believe that these things come under the heading of 'unfinished business'. If there is really nothing that can be done about the particular matters you can only accept it and move on. But this has to be clear in your own mind that there really is nothing that can be done.
Far from busying yourself, I think that contemplation and reflexion is always a good thing and does not mean you are a depressive at all. Maybe these bad decisions were made for good reasons at the time. Don't be hard on yourself.

Well said Craicon

I'm full of huge regrets at my stupid selfishness. I just try to do better now, be a more considerate person to everyone I meet. There's no point in looking back except for a reminder to try harder!

Bee63, as a therapist I often met up with whom the decisions they made in the past were impacting on their present, surprisingly it is a common issue.....I guess life gets in the way of coming to terms with events. We cannot change the things we did in the past but we can change the way we look at the events. At the moment , e.g. you regret a termination, an action you did not take easily, we none of us know what the future would have been without that decision, you did ride the storm after having a termination, perhaps the story would have had a different ending with another mouth to feed, baby to take your time and energy, ect. Perhaps you judge yourself too harshly, you did the best you could in a difficult situation. I hope you find inner peace, perhaps consider some kind of therapy to deal with your thoughts. With love and light.

Bee, I am sorry you feel this way. I also dwell a little on past decisions and events and wish that they had been different, but as so many have said here we cannot change what has gone and the really bad choice is to let it spoil today, or indeed this very moment, which effectively is all we truly have.
When you feel down it seems that only the bad things come back, never the happy times, and maybe you could try hard to think about some of those.
The only person who has never made a mistake is the person who has done nothing - or is delusional. We all make our minds up and act on the information we have available at the time, and believe me I have made some absolutely terrible, disastrous choices, so if it is any consolation, and I am looking at other posts too as I type this - you are far from alone!

Dauntless 41 - That's really helpful and supportive (NOT). Shame on you.
For all who posted that they too had a termination - me too. The most difficult decision of my life. I have no right to judge. Neither does anyone else.
Be kind, people. There is too much hate and ugliness in this world already.

Hi Bee
Hind sight is a wonderful thing and I always say if 'I knew then what I know now, things may have been different'. You can't change the past just hopefully learn from it and any wisdom gained from those decisions can be passed on to the next generation, that is of course, if they wish it. Feeling guilt is a waste of energy, you were a different person then and times have changed, so any decisions made was governed by the times we lived rightly or wrongly. Now, the present is the time to enjoy the moment just like you did then.

I went thru a short period when i got very depressed over bad decisions and wrong choices i had made, but i could see how very negative this was, so I made a plaque to hang in my kitchen that reads "Dont look back, you are not going that way!" And everytime i look at it it makes me smile and feel positive!

It's very difficult to deal with these negative emotions and deep regrets, I empathise because I have made some shockers which caused me untold suffering for many years. I resorted to professional help from therapy which helped enormously. I can't change what has happened in my life but I want to live the rest of it with love, joy and laughter. There are still bad days but you do get through them and the sun is still shining.
My advice is to get help that suits you and live each day. You are human like the rest of us and we all make bad decisions but we also make good ones too.
Love and light to you.