Son's rent. WWYD?

I agree with moobox. We do the next generation no favours at all if we don't prepare them for the brutal fact of life that nobody can just coast through giving excuses for not actually facing reality. Propping them up for too long thwarts independence and gives them the green light to feel they have 'spare' money for things like holidays, as I have seen in the cases of several friends. They go without and feel they are doing the right thing by giving their adult children a cheap life - and then moan when they discover those young adults have spent any extra money on designer clothes/glasses/holidays and haven't actually saved a penny towards future accommodation.

Remove the food and bills element from his payment and just charge him for the room, for as long as he expects you to keep it reserved for him and full of his things.

I think you've got it about right and it's simply that you want him to organise a S/O to avoid the monthly "can I have the rent conversation".

I honestly can't remember whether or not I charged my 2 rent! Too long ago. Possibly a nominal amount.

Both my two had always 'worked from the age if 13 (paper rounds) and then at 15-16 supermarkets at weekends/evenings. So we never gave them pocket money as such.

Both are brilliant with money management and had saved (to my surprise) for deposits on their first homes.

I wouldn't have wanted the market rent from them ..... Adults or not, they were my children and I preferred to make life easier for them if I could afford it. As to utilities, the heating was on whether there were 2 or 4 of us in the house, the washing machine was always on so more economical with a full load, council tax was at the time paid on the property so no difference how many lived there ........ Etc etc

I definitely wouldn't have wanted to make their lives more costly so that I pushed them into moving in with the current girlfriend/boyfriend!

All mine knew is that they were earning ..... So no chance of a loan from mum and dad if they overspent. My DS/DIL moved into a new house last year, very expensive as NW London. It's made me very happy that occasionally we've been able to surprise them with a cheque when they've had expensive work done ...... You can't take it with you and who else are you going to help financially if it's not your own 'kids'.

I earned £10 a week at my first job in the 1970s with £3 going to my parents. But they were desperately hard up. Somehow I still managed to buy shoes in Bond Street .... Life was easier back then.

He has to pay his way that is all there is to it..........the 'man child' should only exist int he Jungle Book. What sort of partner/ husband will he be if the thinks treating people like mugs / lying about money etc is OK

Get a grip you are not a charity.

I do agree we shouldn't mollycoddle them too much, however tempting - they need to learn the realities of life for their own good.

If at 23 he is living with you on a long term basis, instead of choosing to get his own flat, then I'd charge him each month. What you ask is very reasonable, it's his choice if he stays away a lot.

I too would be tempted to reduce it, but I think you should stand firm and ask for the full rent, for his own sake. That's what a landlord would do.

You could stash some of it away, unknown to him, then when he does move on you can give him a little gift to help.

I wouldn't like having to ask each month. I would have one conversation where you explain you don't like the current set up, insist that he sets up a direct debit now or gives you the money on pay day without you asking.

I must admit that when my adult son came back and stayed for some months, I didn't charge him.He didn't have a job, was in a bad way, needed parental help. It's different if it's a permanent arrangement and they have a job, in my opinion.

I think most of us at 23 were married and running our own homes. I can fully understand parents wanting to help their children but I also think it is part of good parenting to teach them about fiscal responsibility. If he has a full time job then he should shoulder some of the financial burden, albeit a reduced one.

This can be something of a thorny issue in some cases. Getting money out of our children when owed it is never easy. We can be far too soft. In the big bad world bills, quite simply, have to be paid. If you don't debts will accrue!
If you fear you are not being fair, and, more importantly, can manage without any part of his money, why don't you put aside an amount and save it in a separate account. You will then have something to use when, and it definitely will be when, he asks for help in the early years of living independently! But DO NOT TELL HIM you are doing this, let it be a wonderful surprise sometime down the line!
A member of my family did this with her Child Allowance, and over the years saved a sizeably nest egg for when her children were trying to get together a deposit for a house! I, however needed every penny to get to the next pay day....but such is life!

If your son lived in his own flat/house and went away for a week his landlord would still expect full rent, I dont see whats different. OK he hasnt eaten at home for one week but you have asked for input on the shopping list and offered to buy food for him to take to his girlfriend. I would keep it at full rent or give him a reduction for his third of the food bill.

Imagine if your son did,nt live at home and was renting a place independently.His landlord would not give him a discount on the rent for the nights he was at his girlfriend's. As he works opposite hours to you and it's hard to sort out this face to face he needs to set up a standing order in order to pay his way. Perhaps he could eat the same meals as you do when he is at home and get something different himself if he chooses to. Whatever rent you negotiate with him you will have to be firm about it and maybe your DH could have a word with him also. It is often a wake up call when adult children finally fly the next and they then realise the real cost of living. You,re not doing either him or yourself any favours in the long run by letting him drag his heels over this.

We charged our kids a realistic rent once they started earning which they paid without quibble because we pointed out that if they left home, it would be much more expensive and Landlords tend to not renew contracts if your rent is intermittent. They did their own washing but were included in meals unless they said they didn't want one. When they left home, they got their rent money back to help them with a deposit on a rented flat or to buy.

I don't understand this 'we must prepare our children for the real world by taking money off them' business. If you need the money then fair enough charge him rent and make sure he pays it. If you don't need the money then ask yourself why you want him to pay. If it's the principle stated above it is a bit of a joke, young people know just how hard it is to survive financially today. If you are doing that then why not save the money for him? Otherwise why bother charging? presumably eventually whatever you are worth will be his one day.
It might be a good idea for him to do his own shopping and learn to find his way around a supermarket. You never know he might even learn to cook!

When they started earning proper money, I charged my DSs £100 pm or 10% whichever twas the smaller.
DS1 who earned quite a lot quibbled. I told him that if he didn't like the arrangement, there were 3 of us in the house, he could pay 1/3 of ALL the bills! He never made a fuss after that!
Both the boys have later thanked me for charging them - it made them think about what was being spent, and bills, etc.
Horses for courses.

I think a lot of us feel that many of the currrent young adult generation have been led to believe & even encouraged to believe that ' you can have it all' so it comes as shock to them when they realise that yes you can but it comes at a price. I am convinced that those of us who were born after the 2nd world war are far happier & even grateful for what we have because we don't aspire to the ' we must have it all' syndrome. So in that respect I feel sorry for them because they have been fed a lie & become depressed & stressed when reality sets & they realise that they can't.

When my children were both earning and living at home, my husband had a talk and told them they had to pay for their keep. They were furious and sat in the garden slagging us off. Many years down the line, they laugh at their cheek and have apologised for their bad attitudes.

As your son is only spending limited time at your house I wouldn't charge rent. Let him buy his own food, and do his own washing etc., It sounds like he might move in with his girlfriend soon.

What I would like to know is, why do you moms encourage your adult children to stay at home?

Is he paying his girlfriend rent? Charge him a nominal rent until as and when his relationship either ends or becomes more permanent.

I agree cut your losses it's not worth it if he's not there you don't have to get extra food or keep some in the freezer if he's not a veggie plenty of eggs beans and bacon or pizza which you can freeze. I did this with my son and it was so much easier.

I used to charge our son £35 per week for everything. Obviously a bargain but hopefully it taught him all adults must contribute to running a household.

Trisher phew! So relieved to see that someone shares my sentiments! I would rather my 'kids' had my money now than waiting till I popped my clogs ....

Every family is different. I am helping my DD to be able to afford a place of her own for her and DGS so I don't 'charge' her anything. She does a lot of shopping and we don't bill each other. I am fortunate that I can pay the bills each month but I won't be around for ever so it is comforting to think I am helping her along the road. It is hard for young people these days. If I was struggling with my mortgage/rent it would be a different kettle of fish.
I wouldn't be texting for a shopping list though if she were to spend nights elsewhere and nor would I be washing or cleaning for her in those circumstances. It would be different too if she wasn't saving sensibly. There are limits....
Perhaps keep a record of how many nights a week OP's son is at home for bed and board and charge a nominal sum on that basis. Especially if you feel that he is frittering his money away.

I should have said "shopping *for all of us*"

Having read all the poss and comments,i think it depends on individual circumstances
One of my sons recently moved back in with me, because he has had a few mini strokes, also an accident at work and is now on sick pay,
He was living in a shared house and paying £75 a week just for a room the size of my boxroom, i am charging him £200 a moth which he thought was a lot initially, but i pointed out to him how much he was saving,
I am only on a state pension socant afford not to take something,
At the moment his sick pay is same as his wage, but after this month will go down , admitted the heating wont be on much at this time of year but the amount of washing i am doing is ridiculous, mainly what he brought with him, that needed washing, and he is saving £75 a week plus food and other costs like electricity and internet
Also leaves every light on and uses quite a lot of electricity for tv etc
I believe adult children should pay towards food and bills, especially if the parents [or parent] in this case are on low incomes

i paid my parents for my keep when i started earning and i asked my two children to contribute when they came home after uni and found a job.
my son moved to london to live and work so was self supporting and my daughter married and therefore she and her husband were a self supporting couple.
however my daughter's marriage fell apart and, two years ago, she and my two grandaughters moved in with me.
there was no question of whether she should pay their keep - it just happened!
i get council tax benefit [or whatever they call it now as i'm on a low income] but my daughter was told by the council that she had to pay a nominal amount as the second adult in the home. she immediately upped the money she was paying for their keep.
it's still only a nominal amount however whilst my money pays for the shopping every four weeks and the money for the bills comes out of my bank account, my daughter pays for any shopping done between big shops, takeaways and days out - this probably equates to what i'm paying.
the money she pays me for their keep at the moment is going towards much needed home refurbishment - gardeners in to clear the garden [i'm disabled and not able to do it and my daughter isn't a gardener], a new shed and garden fence panels.
i can usually diy so when all the outdoor refurbishments are done painting will be started. obviously there are things we can't do [replacing handles on doors, boiler repairs, plumbing jobs] but we'll do our best and get things done one way or another.
so, mh, please don't feel guilty - charge him a nominal amount for his room and carry on as usual with the food/washing situation. don't ask him what food he wants for the week ahead - he'll sort himself out when he needs these.
having said all this i'm still very angry that, after two years, my erstwhile son in law hasn't contributed a penny towards my grandaughters' keep - but this was one of the things that broke up the marriage anyway. my daughter used to have to BEG him for money for food for his daughters which, i'm told is, marital abuse and grounds for divorce [when she finally gets her mind to doing it!].

Teddy123 maybe we are just old softies, but then so were my mum and dad and grans who would always help out if they thought I was hard-up. Helping family has always been important for us.

my son boomeranged back and forth at my house inbetween trying to get settled. When he was living at my house with or without his partner, they bought their own food and I asked for money to cover the difference in outgoings that their presence made - i.e. extra council tax as I normally live alone, extra for energy bills and water. That was it. He is my son and I'd do anything to help them and my grandaughter. They now have a mortgage on a house full of damp which means they are constantly ill during the winter. I take care of my grandaughter 2 days a week, and don't begrudge them anything. It is extremely hard for young people today. God help them if I ever have to go into care when the dear Conservatives will take my lovely house and garden which my son loves and would prefer to live in. Having worked hard all my life, wanting to provide for my son, looks like he may well be loosing out on that.