Son's rent. WWYD?

A deal is a deal, I have a feeling that he would be paying more than you are charging him if he got lodgings elsewhere.
If you need the money then keep it, if not then, as other posters have suggested, you could gift some of it back when he leaves.
I presume that the room is available for him 24/7 so it's up to him if he wants to use it or not. I think you would earn more if you let his room to a lodger and you wouldn't be feeding the lodger! (I do know that's not what you want to do- just saying)

I am on the hard love side. Either he pays his rent regularly, or he moves out and certainly no texting him to find out what food he wants. I am sure you have never been foolish enough to do his washing and ironing or clean his room and change the bedlinen.

If he is spending a lot of time away from home, why not a day rate? I lived away from home weekdays for a year and had a room in someone's house and just paid for the nights I was in residence.

My DM's attitude was the reverse of paddyann's. She believed that once we were working, no matter how little we earned we should make at least a nominal payment for our keep so that we realised that the roof over our head and the food on the table had to be paid for and in future we would have to be self-supporting. I did the same with my children. DS lived at home for 6 months in his late 20s, we agreed the rate and I got a cheque promptly at the end of each month as his pay went in.

I think iolarabbit is right in principle, but I would say you cut the slack if your child is clearly responsible, like her DS is, but make them stick to the rules if they are showing signs of financial irresponsibility, as MarionHalcombe's son also, clearly is.

Of all the answers above I agree with lolarabbit. The first question is why are you charging him rent? Is it to teach him responsibility? Then by all means stand firm and insist that he pays his dues. You might also point out that it if you have an agreement it isn't okay to have to remind him every month (how long has this arrangement been going on anyway)
If you and DH need the income, then clearly point this out. Maybe you don't need the money for bills and such but feel that you waste them when you buy food he doesn't use? Tell him that.
If charging rent was to cover added expenses for example for water/electricity/gas then when he isn't there he is not using those so you could reduce the payment for food only. Money discussions are always delicate but I have found that if the reasons are made clear and both parties have a chance to voice their thoughts a compromise is not only easier to reach but also easier to maintain. The issue of non payment then becomes a discussion about keeping comittments rather than one about money.

What will he learn about life and how will he become independent if he doesn't pay his way? If you let him off the hook you risk his becoming an exploitative and unpleasant person and, if he tries these traits on with others, employers or friends, for example, he will become jobless and friendless.

I had a struggle getting 'keep' from my own son who wanted to wasted his earnings as pocket money but his DF and I insisted he pay and on a standing order too. We take £100 a week for his contribution and bills and that's a bargain in our very expensive area.

Unbeknownst to him until very recently, we saved every penny he gave us towards a house deposit for him and he now has nearly thirteen grand which he will only get towards a house.

Our strictness paid off as we lent him a sum towards a 'new' car which he paid back at a rate of £200 a month and when he came to the end the loan period it he kept the payments on as savings for him.

He is not fully 'there" with financial obligations and prudence but he has come a long way.

We set a contribution for our working daughter , could manage without it but thought it a good thing for her to do, so we put the money away for her(didn't tell her) and when she wanted to buy a house the money paid towards that.

This is a subject that crops up regularly on moneysavingexpert forums. The general view seems to be that the "child" should spend their money in thirds. One third to parents for board/lodgings, one third for savings, and one third for spending.

I know that's not always feasible though, but it seems a good rule of thumb. It wouldn't work for us though.

My two sons pay £50 a week each. I worked out how much it costs us to have them here (excluding mortgage, council tax and water rates, as we'd be paying those amounts whether they lived here or not), and divided it into four, and suggested they paid a quarter. So that's gas, electricity, food (huge cost!) insurance, internet etc.

They paid up without a murmur, especially once they realised that they'd be looking at paying WAY more than that for rent alone elsewhere, let alone all the bills included.

My youngest son has just been made redundant and so we won't ask for any money from him until he is working again. Instead, he will become our housekeeper/gardener.

I don't think there is a "one size fits all" solution to this "problem", but each family has to do what is best for them.

Maybe in the case of the OP, she could stop buying food for her son - if all he wants is five ready meal to heat up at work, then surely he can pick those up himself - and definitely stop texting and asking him what he wants. I don't think he's taking the P exactly, but has got into a bit of a rut and is being a bit thoughtless. I would say to him "look, it is uncomfortable for me to have to keep on asking you for money month. Can you please just set up a standing order and have done with it".

My DH & I charged our 3 (his DD & S, & my DD) rent when they started work. It was a proportion of what they earned.

If they weren't in for meals or didn't want what I was cooking they had to get their own. I rarely did their washing unless they asked if I'd room in my load. Ironing, no way I hate doing my own so why should I do it for our children.

I had to pay when I lived at home as did all my friends, I believe it teaches them responsibility. If you don't need the money by all means save it BUT don't tell them, nice surprise when you can hand over a cheque to help with a deposit or whatever their needs when they move out.

I definitely wouldn't be ringing to ask what food he wanted, I always kept fridge/freezer & cupboards stocked up.

My DS assured us that when he came home from university and travelling in a gap year that when he'd settled in to his chosen career he would move out. The year turned in to 2, he spent most of his time out of the house and there was always some tension between DH and him. I didn't ask for any money, just he paid his own expenses. I heard of a nice house for rent nearby and told him he had to go after it. He did move out with no hard feelings. I regret it a bit now as being a bit harsh, although he didn't have any trouble later buying a house with his girl friend.

So I would just continue asking for a reasonable amount of money and that he sees to his own food and contributes to the work in the house. Try not to run round after him.

I would warn him though that when he does move out that accommodation is always the biggest expense, and that he is very fortunate to be able to live with you while he (hopefully)saves up.

As an afterthought and in reading some of the posts, I wanted to add that the true role of a parent is to prepare their children to be independent, responsible contributors to society. A few need a little push to get there and that's when some of us may have to help with the transition. One of my own came back home after college for two months. Worked for the summer, then went off to Europe for six months (with his own money). My oldest (girl) had to live back home for four months during an apt search...both of them 'contributed' whether it was with money, chores or household repairs. So, it's OK to have them back in times of need...(that's what families do after all), but unless there is a compelling reason, it is both normal, healthy and necessary for adult children to move out of the house so they can learn to take care of themselves and to live separate (independent) lives.

He must pay rent. If not he will get the idea that he does not need to live independently and he will become a financial burden on you for the rest of your lives. Worse may follow. A friend of mine, who is a widow, has two 50 year old sons at home with her. One has filled up her spare bedroom with his guitars and clutter, the other has taken over her garage. She cooks for them. they do not pay and they look at tele etc and so she cannot see the programs she prefers nor do her favorite hobby, Chinese painting.

None of us can help her because deep down she does not know if she can manage to live by herself! I have had to stop being concerned as there is no way out. I have to look at it as her life choice. But it wasn't originally. She never intended to be a prisoner in her own home of two grown up men who use her as a servant. This would never have happened if she had been absolutely firm from the beginning.

Baby birds never learn to fly if they don't leave the nest!

If he rented a flat he would have to pay rent gas council tax etc weather he stayed at girlfriends or not.

DD3 and DS still live at home (28 and 26) .They both work hard (teacher and chef) but wages in Malta are low so they aren't exactly raking in the cash. I don't charge them rent but I do ask for a contribution to the utility bills. They both do their own shopping and cooking, but I prefer to do the laundry myself as it makes no sense to do it separately.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the arrangement. I like having them around. Now I'm a widow it would be very lonely without them, and the arrangement works fine for us.

My son has never left home. He's 32. He works hard as a teaching assistant and brings home about £750 a month. He pays for the cable tv, the water rates, shopping every now and again but above all he pays fir our holidays. If he didn't we wouldn't manage. It us a case of the bank of son not the bank of mom and dad. Bless him.

We charged our children £200 per month, once they were earning after they returned home from university.
However, we did put this money to one side and once they'd decided upon their future - career wise and moving out - we gave them back that little pot to pay a deposit on their rental and for any bedding etc.
We didn't want to make money from our children but felt if we charged them rent it was a way of saving for them plus it also gave them a sense of the 'real world' i.e. You don't get owt for nowt in this life.
Currently our daughter is paying £1000 per month rent plus bills for a room in London!!!! She now realises how cheap her £200 per month al inclusive (bills, laundry, for etc) rent was ?

I wouldn't revise the mutual standing agreement for now. As the other posters pointed out, you do need to stop texting and asking what foods to shop for...in fact he should be doing his own shopping...but OK. As long as he honors your agreement, he's still responsible for his room and his personal belongings, which I would expect for him to keep and maintain accordingly without any help from you. He may be your child (not some ordinary'tenant'), but he also has the right to come and go as he pleases, even days at a time. He is a grown man and an adult. It's time to start treating him like one!

my son boomeranged back and forth at my house inbetween trying to get settled. When he was living at my house with or without his partner, they bought their own food and I asked for money to cover the difference in outgoings that their presence made - i.e. extra council tax as I normally live alone, extra for energy bills and water. That was it. He is my son and I'd do anything to help them and my grandaughter. They now have a mortgage on a house full of damp which means they are constantly ill during the winter. I take care of my grandaughter 2 days a week, and don't begrudge them anything. It is extremely hard for young people today. God help them if I ever have to go into care when the dear Conservatives will take my lovely house and garden which my son loves and would prefer to live in. Having worked hard all my life, wanting to provide for my son, looks like he may well be loosing out on that.

Teddy123 maybe we are just old softies, but then so were my mum and dad and grans who would always help out if they thought I was hard-up. Helping family has always been important for us.

i paid my parents for my keep when i started earning and i asked my two children to contribute when they came home after uni and found a job.
my son moved to london to live and work so was self supporting and my daughter married and therefore she and her husband were a self supporting couple.
however my daughter's marriage fell apart and, two years ago, she and my two grandaughters moved in with me.
there was no question of whether she should pay their keep - it just happened!
i get council tax benefit [or whatever they call it now as i'm on a low income] but my daughter was told by the council that she had to pay a nominal amount as the second adult in the home. she immediately upped the money she was paying for their keep.
it's still only a nominal amount however whilst my money pays for the shopping every four weeks and the money for the bills comes out of my bank account, my daughter pays for any shopping done between big shops, takeaways and days out - this probably equates to what i'm paying.
the money she pays me for their keep at the moment is going towards much needed home refurbishment - gardeners in to clear the garden [i'm disabled and not able to do it and my daughter isn't a gardener], a new shed and garden fence panels.
i can usually diy so when all the outdoor refurbishments are done painting will be started. obviously there are things we can't do [replacing handles on doors, boiler repairs, plumbing jobs] but we'll do our best and get things done one way or another.
so, mh, please don't feel guilty - charge him a nominal amount for his room and carry on as usual with the food/washing situation. don't ask him what food he wants for the week ahead - he'll sort himself out when he needs these.
having said all this i'm still very angry that, after two years, my erstwhile son in law hasn't contributed a penny towards my grandaughters' keep - but this was one of the things that broke up the marriage anyway. my daughter used to have to BEG him for money for food for his daughters which, i'm told is, marital abuse and grounds for divorce [when she finally gets her mind to doing it!].

Having read all the poss and comments,i think it depends on individual circumstances
One of my sons recently moved back in with me, because he has had a few mini strokes, also an accident at work and is now on sick pay,
He was living in a shared house and paying £75 a week just for a room the size of my boxroom, i am charging him £200 a moth which he thought was a lot initially, but i pointed out to him how much he was saving,
I am only on a state pension socant afford not to take something,
At the moment his sick pay is same as his wage, but after this month will go down , admitted the heating wont be on much at this time of year but the amount of washing i am doing is ridiculous, mainly what he brought with him, that needed washing, and he is saving £75 a week plus food and other costs like electricity and internet
Also leaves every light on and uses quite a lot of electricity for tv etc
I believe adult children should pay towards food and bills, especially if the parents [or parent] in this case are on low incomes

I should have said "shopping *for all of us*"

Every family is different. I am helping my DD to be able to afford a place of her own for her and DGS so I don't 'charge' her anything. She does a lot of shopping and we don't bill each other. I am fortunate that I can pay the bills each month but I won't be around for ever so it is comforting to think I am helping her along the road. It is hard for young people these days. If I was struggling with my mortgage/rent it would be a different kettle of fish.
I wouldn't be texting for a shopping list though if she were to spend nights elsewhere and nor would I be washing or cleaning for her in those circumstances. It would be different too if she wasn't saving sensibly. There are limits....
Perhaps keep a record of how many nights a week OP's son is at home for bed and board and charge a nominal sum on that basis. Especially if you feel that he is frittering his money away.

Trisher phew! So relieved to see that someone shares my sentiments! I would rather my 'kids' had my money now than waiting till I popped my clogs ....

I used to charge our son £35 per week for everything. Obviously a bargain but hopefully it taught him all adults must contribute to running a household.

I agree cut your losses it's not worth it if he's not there you don't have to get extra food or keep some in the freezer if he's not a veggie plenty of eggs beans and bacon or pizza which you can freeze. I did this with my son and it was so much easier.