Escape

Carolboz....
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Without knowing your situation it's hard to give any meaningful advice. Most problems have to do with relationships, illness or finances. 'Walking away from life' sounds so dire. Just keep in mind that we all have a tendency to apply long term solutions to problems that for the most part end up being relatively short term ones, particularly the worst ones. Remember also that even if you can't change the people or the circumstances that surround you, it is within your power to decide how much you allow them to get to you. You may also be suffering from depression; something that distorts our worldview by darkening our perceptions and robbing us of motivation. Whatever is going on in your life, professional counseling is always an option. I do hope you find the solace you're looking for.

My heart goes out to you carolboz I know the feelings you are going through.when my son died I could have walked to Scotland and back, but I did walk, and sit and meditate and it helped so much. I hope you find peace.

You don't need to be a Bhuddist! There are lots of different sorts of retreats & there may well be somewhere close to you, that you could visit, even just for a few hours of peace. I discovered one barely 15 mins away, where you were welcomed for as long or as short a time as you needed. Also you could talk with someone if you wanted - it was very flexible. Often these are run by some kind of religious community, so they're simple & not costly. Most welcome people of any background and provide a safe haven for whoever needs them.
Mind you I'd go to my GP too, so that all angles are covered! Good luck from another Would-be runner away x

I think having read the thread one thing that has struck me is a lack of happiness.

Is that because we measure our feelings of happiness by what we see on TV and in films, or other people or what we perceive to be the norm? What IS happiness??

Personally, I think happiness is different for everyone and rather than seek that state of nirvana of super happiness which everyone seems to be seeking I think its about taking happiness from the strangest places. For instance I saw a photo the other day ion our camera club competition and it literally made me stop and smile for just for a moment.

I saw a small baby today who had discovered its toes for the first time and I took pleasure in watching that moment of wonder. Those are easy things to find once you KNOW what happiness means to you.

Maybe the first steps are to identify the minutiae of happiness and then round them all up to a bigger happiness. Like a big ball of dough

Does that make sense? Or am I off my rocker

Interesting post ! In my case, I did live on my own for some 14 years after my divorce so that I could bring up my daughter, whilst working full time. When she left for Uni, I was still working full time in the NHS, but with an aim to go and live in Spain. I had planned to learn Spanish, go on hols to different places in Spain, save for my retirement (I was 54 then !) but then I met some who lived in Menorca. For the five years we lived there life was wonderful ! but then as he aged (15 years older than me) the heat got too much for him and we moved firstly to Brittany, then to Aquitaine where we are now. Unfortunately, health problems for both he and I mean we have to stay here now ....he has debut vasculaire dementia, failing eyesight and two mini strokes. He gets angry and frustrated now he is not allowed to drive, and doc tells him not to climb trees or use his beloved power tools (he still does, which worries me but he does not listen to anyone. Today it is 35 plus degrees. He refuses to go for a dip in the little spa we have ...he refuses to drink water ..preferring beer, which he is not supposed to have. Everything that happens to him is my fault and he makes no secret of that fact ....so much so that it is difficult to be in the same room ...I do try, as I feel guilty always being in my 'office' or outside in the spa ....I look on him frequently as he sits in the glass conservatory (in this weather !) staring at the tv and complaining loudly there is nothing on. He refuses to go out anywhere, unless it is the diy shop .....he refuses to have people in. An old friend who moved away did call the other day and he was pleased to see him ...in fact, I do feel most of the things he refuses to do are just for the effect it has on me (our doc agrees and says he is marginal Narcissistic personality disorder .....I actually read a few weeks ago an article from someone who has a husband with this disorder ...in effect (not much different from my men !) it is basically that they, and only they, know how to do anything, and are always, without fail, right ..this sums him up ! I get criticised for the things I say about him, but humour is the only thing that gets me through whilst being shouted at, threatened with a hammer the other day ...sworn at through gritted teeth in the middle of the supermarket ....I could go on ! When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 he told me I was making it up and there was nothing wrong with me. When it returned for the third time, the professor in the hospital said to me 'is anyone with you' ,,,,no, of course not ! We had been to a different hospital for his appt in the morning, and he had said he would come with me for the results of the third scan - which discovered another return !...when we got to my hospital, he just said 'I've had enough of hospitals, you can come home on the train ! OK by me, I got some shopping in ....but most people had their partner with them ! In fact, one consultant said to me, as we waited for another appt for HIM ....ahh, you do exist then ! He never got the irony !!

Anyway, to cut long story short (well, shortish !) I have about had enough ...I have been looking at returning to Menorca, but with the threat of Brexit I have no idea what will happen to our health care...my doc says if I leave him he will die ! This makes me, as is the intention, feel very guilty ! He tells me to go and get out of his life ...(then asks me to take him to the diy shop in the next breath !) ......I have even gone as far as to pack a suitcase ...don't care, leave everything behind...when I left the UK, I sold my house in one day, gave everything away and simply moved !

His daughter came to stay with us last summer for a week ....she couldn't stand any more ...she told her dad he should not treat me like he does ....his reply ? she deserves it !....and he tells me on a regular basis his late wife was 'worth a hundred of me\ .....his daughter says that is not true but salves his guilty conscience ...she left home at 18 because of the incessant arguments and nastiness ....and his late wife was lucky, as he worked all over the world and was not at home for weeks on end ! Not sure how they would have coped 24/7 ....She also told me her mother belonged to AA support network for relatives of alcoholics ...I did ask him once why he had the telephone no of the AA in his old English phone book ...and the name of a key worker ....he said it was nothing to do with him !

So .....like yourself ...what to do ? I feel trapped and totally stuck ...but also guilty . I cannot go out and leave him as we are quite isolated, have no friends (he managed to get rid of most of them !) Our neighbours are wonderful, but he cannot speak French, and has never tried to so he complains he cannot speak to them when we get invited to an 'apero' .......one has a daughter who speaks English, and he doesn't mind going if she is home .......

I found a website for house shares, in the UK, where I do not want to be, but in desperation any port in a storm !...which looked promising, but have so far only found young people and I would prefer to share with someone over 60...there are not many long term rentals in Menorca ...obviously if people can make money from the holiday season they earn more !

I never feel sorry for myself, just try to work out practicalities ....he never knows if I am here or not and cares less ! I ask him every day what he would like for dinner, as if he doesn't want what I've cooked he throws it in the bin ......or complains he 'can't eat all that', He refuses lunch, refuses coffee, anything, in fact ....then gets his own, maybe a couple of crackers and nothing else.

There is no social network of any kind here ....there are a lot of Engish people but we have never met any, or made friends with them, mainly because he doesn't want to make an effort to meet people .......

So ....most days I cope ok, others I just want to up and leave ! I used to go on holiday on my own (back to Menorca) but now even a night away is impossible. I have to go for treatment overnight at a hospital over 100 km away, and worry about leaving him in case he tries to drive (he says he will, and he says he can !)...sometimes he takes the keys and gets in the car, so that I have to stop everything and rush out to take him somewhere ...again, controlling and for effect !

If you are able to, please go away for a week or two if you can, on your own so you have time to think, reflect and enjoy having no responsibilities for a while ...then you might come back with a clearer idea of what is possible for you.

People tell me I am lucky to have him still, as some people have had husband's who died early ....so they remember them and wish they were still here ...I have several old school chums in that position .....but my mother always used to say Only the Good die young and it would seem she was right !

Life is very short ......so do something that pleases you ! ...I wish I could !! /SMILE/

Violette I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time and unfortunately feel it's only going to get worse for you. Those people who say you're lucky to still have him are unlikely to have experienced caring 24/7 for someone with dementia and/or a personality disorder. Do you have anyone you can call on to support you? Have you contacted the Alzheimer's Society who deal with all types of dementia or the International organization ? The burden of stress on carers is so often overlooked.

Violette - it sounds as if you're in an intolerable situation, I didn't realise it was so bad.
You must put your own physical and mental health first for a change.
I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can afford it, can't you rent a small gite nearby for short periods of respite. Your husband will surely survive on his own for a short time, and you can act like a part-time carer.

Violette - try contacting this organisation:
www.alz.org/fr/dementia-alzheimers-france.asp
I don't know anything about them but they might be ably to direct you to some kind of help.

And here:
www.francealzheimer.org/

The coast of West Wales, Pembrokeshire
is my "special place". The Pembrokeshire National Park has 180 miles of coastel path to walk or to just sit and "Be".
I can recommend that area for some uplifting of spirit. September is a good time for sunsets too. JUST GO AND DISCOVER IT FOR YOURSELF.

Please be aware that Samaritans offers a listening ear at any time of day or night, without giving advice, to anyone who rings, emails or calls in to a local centre (hours may vary) People talk about what's really preoccupying them, and can be completely anonymous. I have been a caller and a volunteer, just Google for up to date website and contact details.....

Sometimes feeling like that is a sign that you are ready to make a change in your life. I agree about Buddhism. Meditation and mindfulness come from that tradition and they are good for us all, but if you are feeling low and struggling with a sense of uncertainty and direction, counselling or psychological therapy may well be one of the best things for you. You can access both via your GP.

Like some other posters, I uprooted my life and turned it up-side-down when I was a few months off my 49th birthday. My marriage of 29 was never really fulfilling. In the last 8 years or so, we had settled into a friendly peace, but one day on holiday, I looked-up from my book, looked at my then husband sunbathing and thought "no, I'm not doing this anymore". It was as sudden and dramatic as that. I waited until we got home, then told the marriage was over. The process of the divorce was hideous, but it was the best decision I ever made.

Good luck ????

I liked the idea of a caravan to escape to. Somewhere close ish that I could drive to. Even if my partner journal Ned me, it would still be a change of scenery and might stop him moaning! What I don't know is how much it would cost to have a sited caravan, say in Cromer? How much would the ground rent etc be?

Joined me, I meant

Reading some of these posts makes me feel so sad for the people with these problems. Violette, I do hope you can find a way through this. You owe this man nothing, look after yourself now, you've done your best.

I often have days when I would like to be on a desert island .
I have recently done a mindfulness course and find meditation a great escape . You can find lots of meditations on you tube . It's so important to find time for yourself in this busy world . Look after yourself

Some towns have a counselling centre where counsellors volunteer (sometimes trained counsellors looking to get experience), so you can have regular good counselling for the cost of a donation. Sometimes just really being heard can help.

I find a lot of comfort in my Christian faith, so I'd suggest looking into that, if you aren't a Christian already. Maybe try a couple of books, like
The Case for Christ PB (Case for ... Series) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0310339308/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_.UnSxbPCCFGZN

or
Cold-Case Christianity: A Homicide Detective Investigates the Claims of the Gospels www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00A71Y7I8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_iWnSxb119X65E

Or this website has bite-size videos:
www.leestrobel.com

Or maybe an Alpha course, if you felt up to it?

Look after yourself. Have little treats. All the best.

I don't know about your part of the country wot but we used to have a static caravan on a lovely site in Northumberland . Sadly we were forced to sell it just over 5 years ago and I still miss it terribly . The yearly ground rent ( fees) were around £4000 per year which is a lot of money that we simply could no longer afford . But I guess this varies depending on the amenities on the particular site.

Violette your post has made me feel so sad . I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel and how on earth you keep going. My first instinct was to say "just go, leave him" but I guess that's easier said than done.

To Carolboz and others.
I am conscious that when taking time away, money is involved and if finances are tight even a day away becomes difficult. Some have suggested seeing Gp. Can I suggest finding a counsellor not someone who is a CPD counsellor but someone who will give you time and space that is yours. Someone you feel comfortable with and accepted by. Some counsellors provide minimal or free sessions if appropriate. I think so many of us have times when we need unconditional support.

I wonder if instead of using the word happiness, we would be better using content?

Agree that 'traditional' counselling can be a more appropriate approach than CBT when life seems to be a constant run up a sandhill, particularly if the root of distress is historical or we have just lost our way. However, CBT can be very helpful for specific or generalised anxiety and often, if not always, if mood is low. It can also help us learn to move away from negative thinking. Mindfulness meditation can often be accessed via NHS provision, (depending on area), it is an accepted part of a CBT approach. Perhaps best to keep an open mind, see what is available locally that fits both finances and available time and just see how it suits you. We are all different. What suits one does not another. It doesn't mean one person or approach is right or wrong, just different. There's little to lose by trying what is available. To all struggling I hope you have the energy to find some respite in whatever way works for you. As this thread shows you aren't on your own.

Gillybob, I had no idea site ing a caravan was so expensive! That's that idea out of the window!

Sometimes - if you are free to do so - volunteering for short periods for organisations you think are worthwhile can take you out of yourself. It is also good for your morale to find over time that you and the contribution you make (however small) is appreciated.

Carolboz I do empathise with you as I'm well and truly stuck too with a husband who has the beginnings of Dementia and half shares in a farm. I don't want to upset the family by running off. I'm still able to go out though and I've got various activities like aquarobics, photography, church flowers and I've taken up spinning again. In between that I do the garden, work on the farm and help with grandchildren. I find if I go out all the time I don't have to sit and listen to himself endlessly repeating things!

Life can be truly overwhelming. I am awake in the middle of the night worrying about my daughter who, in a successful, full time, well paid job, has taken against a spiky and rude boss and is going for an interview for a job on a six month contract. The folly of it appals me when she now has a large mortgage to pay. My husband, too, doesn't like his new boss and, I think, is being bullied at work. He has reacted by having a series of ailments which take him to the doctor:- a prostate cancer scare, asthma and now, swollen ankles.

Each turns out to have no basis in fact but the whole imaginary process causes immense worry and further calls on the NHS and the private medical care he has through work. I seem never to have an anxiety free moment. No sooner is one problem solved than another takes its place. It would never occur to my daughter or husband to spare me. I sometimes think the point is to upset me and it does.

Hi Carolboz,
I booked into a retreat during bad phase in my life..the peace did help but be careful where you go...the mess that is life comes with you as its part of you.
Ive also tried writing classes and poured all out in diaries.
Diverting mind helps by chosing to do something that you've never done.
Quite often I go away to have a think...