Escape

Good for you onneker. I've just re-joined but sadly can't go to meetings because we live abroad.
It's good to know that it's the young people who care and are politically active.

I have been so moved reading these posts. I was living in Devon ten years ago in a beautiful place but every morning when I went to the shops I stood and stared at the river and fantasised about jumping in and being swept away to nothingness. I persuaded my husband, who is a very difficult man, to move to London to be nearer our children and grandchildren. The thing that has really turned my life around has been joining the Labour Party!! (Not for everyone I know). It has been wonderful. I am the oldest person in a bunch of exceptionally nice, idealistic young people who really care about the society we live in. I go campaigning with them, get invited for meals or just run into them around here and chat. I think having a common purpose outside my own life has been immensely helpful.

Yes, very good.
We need to re-learn to be ourselves, after looking after other people all these years.

Good post, Ruby

I'm off to a spa for a two day break in two weeks, I deserve it for working hard for over 30 years. Lots of changes this year, upset, tears and more to come, so time to recoup, charge up those batteries, have a massage or two, good food, some sleep and on with the next stage.

I have gone away to hotels, B & B's, caravans, flats, anywhere to get some time away to think, relax and to plan my next course of action. It helps to do this to get to know yourself well. I haven't tried a Buddhist retreat as I chat too much and the ones my family member goes to is a silent one so that would not do for me. I don't fancy that anyway, I like to be by myself with my doggie.

I do think that you have to keep in touch with yourself over the years and not lose yourself too much along the way. I think trying to keep yourself too busy is not a good thing as there is no time then for thinking or learning just what pleases you. I've learnt to chill out a lot more these last few years because I have to due to health. But it helps the mind too. I've edited my life to be far simpler than it ever was and it makes me happier.

These stories are so sad. I have had my fair share of horrible and upsetting experiences too. Actually too many to go into - and some are ongoing. I did however leave a bad situation 20 years ago. Life is too precious to waste in a relationship gone wrong. We both ended up leading much better lives even though he never spoke to me again.
Leaving a situation is not always an option for some people though.
To try and cope with my present bad situation I took up Ukulele 2 years ago. Music is such a healer!
I go to lessons which gives me something else to focus on and I also met another lady there who took it up after her teenage daughter died and another whose son had died. For us our group has become a lifeline where we play and sing together and have fun again. I am also in a choir which is also very uplifting. Many people think they are not musical or not arty but taking up something new which involves concentrating on something other than our problems is a great release and helps enormously. Most towns have music, art or writing groups and choirs. It's worth a try.
Whatever you do or however you all deal with your problems I hope you find happiness. Love + hugs x

Carol - there is a sort of social worker you can go to for advice in France, and maybe their Dr. can do more, but in general care of the elderly in France falls mainly on the family. There are Care Homes, but unless you're almost penniless, families have to pay all the fees.
There's often a funeral in the village of someone in their 90s, or more, who has been quietly living with their offspring for years, and no-one has seen them for ages.
There are home helps, but again they have to be paid by the employer.

Gosh, sitting here in tears,everything already said is so true in my life. I'm going to go swimming in the sea with two grandsons today, just where I learnt to swim 54 years ago, maybe that will awaken future thoughts of what to do, the Buddhist retreat sounds do-able, meanwhile waiting in for a new printer which grumpy husband will want to get going immediately. Perhaps I'll have swum over to France by that time. Be strong and brave everyone.

Well I did not really expect any response, on Saturday my proverbial bucket had spilled over again. However it is now upright and I am able to cope. I can not walk away, it would cause even more problems but am trying to get more proactive with lifes challenges.Violette, like others I really feel for you. Is there not an equivalent to social services where you are who can step in and help. What about at your husbands clinic?Even if you don't want to talk to them at your husbands appointments, what about phoning his consultants secretary and asking for advice? I am trying to find happiness in different areas, tho lack of happiness is not my real problem. I have lovely children who care for me and provide me with happiness, its dealing with that bucket, which for the last few years has just got fuller and fuller and I sometimes seem unable to stem the tide. Anyway, thank you every one for your ideas and thoughts on coping with life, I will try those that are appropriate.I will also try to write a more optimistic blog next time. xx

Hello Violette,I am sure I am not the only person who went to bed last night and woke this morning thinking of you,please do not stay in this toxic relationship but whatever you do please let us know what you eventually decide to do,I wish you the strength to make the decision and move on xx????

Violette, your story is horrifying and puts my small whingeings into perspective. It does, indeed, sound as if your partner is suffering from a Narcissistic personality disorder and, if you research this, you will find that it will not get any better. It sounds as if you might even be in some danger and your day to day existence seems like a purgatory. Cut your losses and move out now. However, do not give him (or his friends and contacts) any notice of your intention to do so. Plan, pack lightly and go without leaving any forwarding address.

I do sympathise with your desire to be somewhere warm but safety and health are also important so do consider the UK. It is a lovely country with fabulous sympathetic people and probably the best social and health safety net in the world. Ignore all the Brexit complaining, nothing has changed at all here.

Just back from holiday with my whole family. I live alone now and sometimes feel low but my family is my support always.

It all depends on why and what you are needing to get away from , if it's a physical situation then yes a break a retreat can help enormously but if it's somethingbwithin yourself you can't get away as you take you with you and being on your own with nothing to divert you would maybe make it worse

I think Pattieann has made a good point writing can be cathartic

Hi Carolboz,
I booked into a retreat during bad phase in my life..the peace did help but be careful where you go...the mess that is life comes with you as its part of you.
Ive also tried writing classes and poured all out in diaries.
Diverting mind helps by chosing to do something that you've never done.
Quite often I go away to have a think...

Life can be truly overwhelming. I am awake in the middle of the night worrying about my daughter who, in a successful, full time, well paid job, has taken against a spiky and rude boss and is going for an interview for a job on a six month contract. The folly of it appals me when she now has a large mortgage to pay. My husband, too, doesn't like his new boss and, I think, is being bullied at work. He has reacted by having a series of ailments which take him to the doctor:- a prostate cancer scare, asthma and now, swollen ankles.

Each turns out to have no basis in fact but the whole imaginary process causes immense worry and further calls on the NHS and the private medical care he has through work. I seem never to have an anxiety free moment. No sooner is one problem solved than another takes its place. It would never occur to my daughter or husband to spare me. I sometimes think the point is to upset me and it does.

Carolboz I do empathise with you as I'm well and truly stuck too with a husband who has the beginnings of Dementia and half shares in a farm. I don't want to upset the family by running off. I'm still able to go out though and I've got various activities like aquarobics, photography, church flowers and I've taken up spinning again. In between that I do the garden, work on the farm and help with grandchildren. I find if I go out all the time I don't have to sit and listen to himself endlessly repeating things!

Sometimes - if you are free to do so - volunteering for short periods for organisations you think are worthwhile can take you out of yourself. It is also good for your morale to find over time that you and the contribution you make (however small) is appreciated.

Gillybob, I had no idea site ing a caravan was so expensive! That's that idea out of the window!

Agree that 'traditional' counselling can be a more appropriate approach than CBT when life seems to be a constant run up a sandhill, particularly if the root of distress is historical or we have just lost our way. However, CBT can be very helpful for specific or generalised anxiety and often, if not always, if mood is low. It can also help us learn to move away from negative thinking. Mindfulness meditation can often be accessed via NHS provision, (depending on area), it is an accepted part of a CBT approach. Perhaps best to keep an open mind, see what is available locally that fits both finances and available time and just see how it suits you. We are all different. What suits one does not another. It doesn't mean one person or approach is right or wrong, just different. There's little to lose by trying what is available. To all struggling I hope you have the energy to find some respite in whatever way works for you. As this thread shows you aren't on your own.

To Carolboz and others.
I am conscious that when taking time away, money is involved and if finances are tight even a day away becomes difficult. Some have suggested seeing Gp. Can I suggest finding a counsellor not someone who is a CPD counsellor but someone who will give you time and space that is yours. Someone you feel comfortable with and accepted by. Some counsellors provide minimal or free sessions if appropriate. I think so many of us have times when we need unconditional support.

I wonder if instead of using the word happiness, we would be better using content?

I don't know about your part of the country wot but we used to have a static caravan on a lovely site in Northumberland . Sadly we were forced to sell it just over 5 years ago and I still miss it terribly . The yearly ground rent ( fees) were around £4000 per year which is a lot of money that we simply could no longer afford . But I guess this varies depending on the amenities on the particular site.

Violette your post has made me feel so sad . I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel and how on earth you keep going. My first instinct was to say "just go, leave him" but I guess that's easier said than done.

Some towns have a counselling centre where counsellors volunteer (sometimes trained counsellors looking to get experience), so you can have regular good counselling for the cost of a donation. Sometimes just really being heard can help.

I find a lot of comfort in my Christian faith, so I'd suggest looking into that, if you aren't a Christian already. Maybe try a couple of books, like
The Case for Christ PB (Case for ... Series) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0310339308/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_.UnSxbPCCFGZN

or
Cold-Case Christianity: A Homicide Detective Investigates the Claims of the Gospels www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00A71Y7I8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_iWnSxb119X65E

Or this website has bite-size videos:
www.leestrobel.com

Or maybe an Alpha course, if you felt up to it?

Look after yourself. Have little treats. All the best.

I often have days when I would like to be on a desert island .
I have recently done a mindfulness course and find meditation a great escape . You can find lots of meditations on you tube . It's so important to find time for yourself in this busy world . Look after yourself

Reading some of these posts makes me feel so sad for the people with these problems. Violette, I do hope you can find a way through this. You owe this man nothing, look after yourself now, you've done your best.

Joined me, I meant