Stubborn H

He actually decided to take his meds today eventually realised he may be doing himself harm. Idiot. Off to my sisters tom for a few days will give him something else to moan about. Thank you for all the support on Gnet

The sort of actions you describe I would call bullying and I hope you continue to ignore such pathetic behaviour.

Stubborn H back on rampage again!! A note left for me this morning why have I not cooked him dinners this week. Been annoyed when he has come in from pub at 11.00pm and no dinner left. Fact is I have been working from 7.30 am until 5.30 pm and sons have said they did not want dinners as been out every eve. While husband sits on sofa all day watching tv. Another dign of control trying to creep in.

Chris , unless he could turn nasty I would just ignore him . Can you put up with this in the long term though? I had counselling which gave me the strength to leave and it was the best thing I have ever done . My life is now peaceful and MY OWN !

Leave another note saying you did make a dinner, but he didn't come in and you were starving after your busy day, so you ate it all. Suggest he gets himself a takeaway when he is late next time.

Tell him his dinners in the dog !

Come home at a reasonable time and eat like the family he's part of or stock up on crisps at the pub.

No excuses for this man - I wouldn't pander to this bullying.

Chris you don't say if gets violent-if so, you really must get help but even so his behaviour is completely unacceptable. You need to sit down with him and TELL him he's unreasonable if at all possible. It's like you're looking after another toddler/teenager. Not acceptable. You need to stick to your guns and not run round looking after him while he continues to be so controlling. Easy for us to say when we don't have to live with it though.

When you went off to your sisters what happened to the elderly Mum ? When you say you didn't make dinner what did she eat ? sorry , maybe I am overthinking this , but there are a few holes here . I apologise in advance if I am being too annoying

Good point aggie. Perhaps she took her mum with her to her sister's. But that still doesn't explain what her mother ate all week when she didn't cook dinner.

Has he always been like this or has it come on gradually over the years? Its quite easy for a new young wife to try and do everything to please her husband and then little by little he expects everything to be done for him. He sounds very spoilt. He is obviously a bully but bullies usually back down if you stand up to them. Easier said than done if it has gone on for so many years but you can't go on like this.

My OH has health problems and was in charge of his own meds , he went downhill rapidly and I had to dole out the meds . I discovered bottles and packs not touched ! If this man didn't take his meds because his wife bought the dispenser for him he would be in bad shape after a week . Maybe that is the answer , no meds will soon do for him !!

You CAN leave if you want to despite the responsibility regarding your mother. The decision is yours alone. You can remain a member of the 'ah but.....' brigade or you can take steps to live the rest of your life without this bully. I would suggest you are worth it..

Hi I took my mother to my sisters with me and she is staying with her for a while which is great for her to get away. Just had beans on toast etc for myself for last few nights plus been shattered. He has always been a bit of a bully but could prob cope better when he was working at out of the house.

About the meds, just don't do anything. They are his responsibility. He ought to be worried though. Just don't capitulate by helping with them.
He sounds as though he could be unwell apart from being a bully but don't let him drag you down with him. Don't ever apologise for any meals he feels deprived of. Maybe have tins and cheeses in the frig and just tell him to help himself. I appreciate breaking away from a situation like that is much less easy than it sounds but feel you just must not give in to this controlling man and if he chooses to spend nights at the pub then he should sort out his eating arrangements, Keep in touch with us Chris4159

I had one like yours Chris, I dumped him 20 odd years ago, the best thing I ever did. I now have a lovely kind, considerate man that loves and cares for me.

Don't give in it makes them even worse.

My comment above makes it wound easy, it wasn't, but once I left the feeling on relief and elation was so enormous I remember it to this day.

Ditch him!! Just like NonnaAnnie I dumped my 1st OH about 20 years ago and am so glad I did. It was really hard at first but I never considered going back as I was so relieved to be free from the controlling a***h***. He never hit me but his words and other actions were almost as bad. I am now married to a lovely kind considerate man too.

I totally understand how you feel I put up with exactly the same behaviour for 27years it's hard not to just comply with them giving in to their demands as I just wanted to keep the peace and hated the atmosphere if I did go out of the house galavanting as he also called it the only answer is to stand up to him and give him a taste of his own medicine life is too short to be made to feel miserable .

I tend to agree with Lona and kittylester, why at your age are you not leaving him and living your life, there is a better life out there for you, without being treated like a door mat.

It is amazing what some of us women put up with .... my heart goes out to everyone in controlling relationships. I was in one for 18 years and suddenly realized it was partly my fault for allowing him to treat me badly. So I got out of the relationship ASAP. I regained my self respect, lost my low self esteem and although alone now am much happier. You can do it too, somehow. Don't take it anymore.

My advice is you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Perhaps (and I'm only being honest ) he acts this extreme because you've let him get away with this behaviour in the past ? If now it's unacceptable then you will have to go gently and slowly without him really realising there is a change on what you want the future to pan out like. And you know there has to be as you wouldn't of posted on here. Good luck.

There is no need to put up with this. I understand the problems but seriously get some help. See your doctor & arrange to see a counsellor. Just for you at first- I doubt he will ever agree to go - but you need some help. You can empower yourself but you need guidance. Please don't put up with this any longer. You have a right to a happy life too. Take the chance & do something about it. If he is violent then that needs to be addressed immediately no matter what the consequences.
At 57 you have a heck of a lot of life left to enjoy so please do something about this bully.
I'm sending you big hugs.

Don't assume that you have no options. Go and talk to Citizens Advice (if you can find one that is still open). If not, it would be worth the cost of speaking to a specialist solicitor. It would take a lot of courage to take action but once you know what is possible you can either decide that you really don't want to or work towards it.
He sounds like my father and it took me a long time to forgive my mother for enabling his behaviour. Are you sure that he is limiting his bullying behaviour to you? How is he with your mother if you are not there?

I left my not-so-DH of 30 years recently, always been a difficult relationship but enough good things in it to make it worth while, and I loved him. But the last 5 years, he got more moody, bad tempered, controlling, and when I retired 2 years ago, it all got much worse. Finally I left, and his anger and desire for revenge has caused me and my family (brother and sister) lots of problems, all very nasty stuff, he is still playing mind games and trying to control me from a distance. So much so that I have had to get the police involved. A wonderful woman police officer really opened my eyes to how unacceptable his behaviour is and was - because over the years you just get used to it, make allowances to avoid arguments and gradually lose sight of how unacceptable things have become. She recommended a really useful website called the Freedom Programme, where you can get a book called Living with the Dominator - sounds like it describes your husband, Chris. I found it helped me to get a better perspective on things - what is normal and what isn't, how someone can manipulate you, and how we can sometimes collude in letting that happen.
Only you can decide what is the right course of action for you, but understanding the problem is him, not you, is the first step in working out what you want to do about it. Good luck, whatever you decide

What a spoilt, nasty man. I wonder if he's as unpleasant with other people outside of the family group? It's a massive thing to walk away and start again, but it would be such a courageous thing to do and totally liberating. You might get to know yourself as a proud and independent woman who does not have to put up with slavery. I suspect you would just like him to change or at least modify his behaviour. I doubt he is capable of doing so in a sustained way. Sincere good wishes to you. I have been touched by your plight Chris 41659.