Stubborn H

Just leave. There is help out there for you. You are with a control freak and a bully. He has got away with it for too long. You deserve a lovely life. I left a person like yours after 25 years and have been married for 20 years to a man of the kind I thought existed only in dreams. My ex doesn't know where I went or where I live now. I know it's hard to do but nothing is as hard as living with a bully and someone who has zero respect for you.

Good luck, I hope you will find a good life for yourself.

Anyone who has not been through a marriage with a psychological and physical torture would say get out now. Mine began after a few hours of moving in and I allowed it to carry on for 20 years. Why did I stay? Simple I loved him. I always thought it would change and that the fault was with me. I went to live at his house, and brought with me my 2 children from my first marriage. I left my lovely kind first husband and beautiful home to live with this new man. He beat and ridiculed my children and yet foolishly I went on to have 4 more. It didn't improve and eventually met another man and left the family home and have never looked back. Not easy but well worth it.

Chris your mother is safely at your sisters so may be you can seize the moment.
Can you talk to your sister about you situation? Might get the moral support you need to move on with your life.
After all you have a job at the moment and a family.
You and I are the same age and, I know that I would have left years ago.
As you have not, please consider your future.
Go at least to citizens advice and/or get a fixed fee solicitors interview

Best foot forward girl!

Get out, now.

Chris, its clear from the other replies that no one thinks you are in the wrong in any way but its telling that you ask if you are. You say your husband is of sound mind, so dementia appears not to be an issue. Depression perhaps, but that is no excuse for the sort of behaviour you describe especially if it has gone on for a long time. The suggestion to speak to your GP is good, and it would help if you felt able to discuss in more detail with your sons, who live at home? How does he treat your mother? Your sons?
This seems to mirror the Archers situation and matches exactly the experience of my own mother with my father, who behaved in a similar fashion, constantly chipping away at her confidence, criticising her at every opportunity and generally being aggressive and controlling. I urged her to leave, and offered her a place with us, but she remained with him, living a separate but unhappy life. You are only 57, years ahead of you hopefully, do not allow your husband to diminish you. Be safe.

Maybe there are no practical solutions for Chris to get out? She could struggle financially to break free. We do hear of women who put up with this kind of controlling man, evenly those who are physically abusive, just because there is nowhere to go, or because they don't want to give up their homes. I'm sure I'd have found a way though.

Why would you put up with this from anyone? Even with 4kids I'm sure I would have thrown him out!

How do you mean it doesn't add up Anya?

As * tigger* said I can't believe I'm reading this

Sorry Chris but this doesn't add up.

Has he always been this way, or is it possibly the beginning of Alzeimers? He needs a good talking to, if he's always treated you like this. Do you have the funds to go away for a week or two? Maybe a seaside break. You could tell him you're considering whether to stay with him or not. Leave it long enough that he has to fend for himself, and make sure no family member helps him out. At 57 you have probably many years ahead. Don't spend it as a nursemaid to a ridiculous man.

Stubborn? I can think of a few stronger words to describe him. Why on earth are you still with him?!

This sound seriously, Chris4519. My advice is to please try to get some help for yourself. Truly you do not have to put up with this. Be honest with yourself and your family and seek support. Ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. Give yourself a chance for a happy future.... Good luck.

This is not acceptable behaviour from a man of 60,your husband is a bully .I note that he is to be made redundant but that you work full time,is there any possibility that you could find a peaceful space of your own ? Even a little break away with a friend may give him space to assess his dreadful behaviour.
I had a short marriage to a controlling man and dreaded going home from work.It meant leaving a lovely home and starting again,but the peace was overwhelming.
37 years is a long time,but do you really want another 20 /25 years of his behaviour.I wish you well,you sound like a very nice person...don,t let him spoil your life.

As much as I might moan about my husband this makes me realise what a treasure he really is and how much he spoils me! .

chris4519 your husband is not stubborn, he is spiteful and a bully and you should stop pandering to him and look after yourself

I thought this was going to be a light-hearted thread about stubborn husbands refusing to agree to something like the colour of wallpaper, but there's obviously something else going on.

If it's not new, then it's domestic abuse. If it is new, then I agree with Greenfinch - might be dementia. My dad was always very controlling (aka bullying) but became much worse when he got older. He was diagnosed with dementia, which manifested itself as a more extreme and irrational version of his previous behaviour.

I'd talk to his GP. Even though the GP can't share information, you can give him information. Alternatively, do as I did and talk to your own GP - he can make general comments and advise you what he thinks and what to do. That's what I did - both I mean. Didn't make things better in the short term, but made me a tiny bit more able to cope.

The law is now on your side Chris. I am not sure how much that helps practically but it may give you strength.

Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
Coercive behaviour is: a continuing act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”2

Can't believe I am reading this, are you happy with this situation?

My first husband was like this. we were married for 29 years, then he died. It wasn't until I was on my own that I realised how miserable life had been with him. When I married again, I discovered what it was like to be married to a loving, decent, caring man. I lost him 3 years ago to Dementia, after 20 lovely years. Looking back, I can't think why I stayed with the first one, except I was a non-working mum of 4, dependant on him for every penny. Where , in the 60's and 70's could I have gone? My parents were dead, and there wasn't the support out there then as there is today. You hang on for the sake of the children, but I do regret that I didn't stand up to him. Today I would dot him one!!

There can always be huge financial difficulties that prevent people leaving a partner particularly if it's not serious physical violence .
It is so not your responsibilty. I would suggest ignoring his tantrums do not sort his medications out that is his responsibility leave him to it that is his problem not yours. You stay strong and firm about this. Ignore the blame game he is trying to play. Keep up your visits to friends as someone else said leave some tins of beans or such that he can cook for himself.
Be as non-confrontational as you can manage but matter of fact about the fact you are not doing stuff for him.
Riverwalk I have known a supposedly intelligent proffessor who has behaved like that.

What a spoilt, nasty man. I wonder if he's as unpleasant with other people outside of the family group? It's a massive thing to walk away and start again, but it would be such a courageous thing to do and totally liberating. You might get to know yourself as a proud and independent woman who does not have to put up with slavery. I suspect you would just like him to change or at least modify his behaviour. I doubt he is capable of doing so in a sustained way. Sincere good wishes to you. I have been touched by your plight Chris 41659.

I left my not-so-DH of 30 years recently, always been a difficult relationship but enough good things in it to make it worth while, and I loved him. But the last 5 years, he got more moody, bad tempered, controlling, and when I retired 2 years ago, it all got much worse. Finally I left, and his anger and desire for revenge has caused me and my family (brother and sister) lots of problems, all very nasty stuff, he is still playing mind games and trying to control me from a distance. So much so that I have had to get the police involved. A wonderful woman police officer really opened my eyes to how unacceptable his behaviour is and was - because over the years you just get used to it, make allowances to avoid arguments and gradually lose sight of how unacceptable things have become. She recommended a really useful website called the Freedom Programme, where you can get a book called Living with the Dominator - sounds like it describes your husband, Chris. I found it helped me to get a better perspective on things - what is normal and what isn't, how someone can manipulate you, and how we can sometimes collude in letting that happen.
Only you can decide what is the right course of action for you, but understanding the problem is him, not you, is the first step in working out what you want to do about it. Good luck, whatever you decide

Don't assume that you have no options. Go and talk to Citizens Advice (if you can find one that is still open). If not, it would be worth the cost of speaking to a specialist solicitor. It would take a lot of courage to take action but once you know what is possible you can either decide that you really don't want to or work towards it.
He sounds like my father and it took me a long time to forgive my mother for enabling his behaviour. Are you sure that he is limiting his bullying behaviour to you? How is he with your mother if you are not there?

There is no need to put up with this. I understand the problems but seriously get some help. See your doctor & arrange to see a counsellor. Just for you at first- I doubt he will ever agree to go - but you need some help. You can empower yourself but you need guidance. Please don't put up with this any longer. You have a right to a happy life too. Take the chance & do something about it. If he is violent then that needs to be addressed immediately no matter what the consequences.
At 57 you have a heck of a lot of life left to enjoy so please do something about this bully.
I'm sending you big hugs.

My advice is you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Perhaps (and I'm only being honest ) he acts this extreme because you've let him get away with this behaviour in the past ? If now it's unacceptable then you will have to go gently and slowly without him really realising there is a change on what you want the future to pan out like. And you know there has to be as you wouldn't of posted on here. Good luck.