DH interfering....furio us!

Take turns in the kitchen to cook. Simple!

When we retired a few years ago after a few days of being bored DH decided to start doing the housework all in the wrong order to my mind and I got very frustrated as I was planning to my housework in my own time and in my own way. Yes I was actually looking forward to this and resented his intrusion. After a few shout ups I decided to let him do it and then just do what had not been done or correct what had been done incorrectly (in my view). Now several years later he does all the housework except the kitchen and bathrooms or the cooking and it works out just fine. We don't tread on each others toes the division of labour had to be worked at and their were several skirmishes along the way.

My exSiL used to hate taking her husband shopping, she was a spendthrift and he was a skinflint so during the supermarket shop she would load the trolley only to find that when she got home lots of it was missing because he had put it back on the shelf when her back was turned! Needless to say we had some interesting meals there, often eaten during a waging verbal war!

Katek, you need to make a stand or else you will be doomed! My DH slowly took over most of the cooking when he retired. He is 'OK' at it, in fact some of his dishes are really lovely but... oh the mess!
He assumes that the 'clearing up fairy' comes along to zap up the mess (over the whole kitchen and how he uses so many utensils or covers so much worktop in detritus, , I really don't know) and the floor... a disaster zone which is apparently invisible to the male species.
Although wonderful in many ways, my OH will interfere in most things - if I let him! He is a 'I know best' type of chap and I would be a carpet-mouse if I let him take me over and didn't challenge him from time to time. I think it may be male boredom - they were dominant males in the office or work-space but now their kingdom is rather small and their workforce (me, in this instance) much reduced! Keep standing your ground when need be! We love 'em really (except when looking at a half hour clean up after supper.........).

My DH took over the cooking when he retired. He enjoys it and is an excellent cook. He's also taken over all the shopping. Since he's in charge of the menu it seemed only sensible. We did have problems to start with as the washing up fairy rebelled, but we have a very small kitchen so he quickly learned that washing up as you go made sense.

The trouble is he tells everyone that I cooked and shopped for the first 30 years of our marriage and so he's doing the second 30. That means that in 13 years time we'll have to change back!

Have to agree with youGillc. when dh retired he was always in the kitchen every time i moved id bump into his bum. He died 8 yrs ago and i really miss his bum!

We have a mantra It's not helpful if it's not helpful since we moved to a much smaller home ie get out of the way and do your own thing while I do mine

My DH does all the cooking. It's easier to let him get on with it. All my confidence in cooking has been eroded so I no longer do it. Recently he called me to say the cat had been sick on the stairs. My daughter stopped me going to clean it up. She said to her dad, "why do you call mum to clean up the sick, instead of doing it yourself?" Since then I've seen him clean it up without any fuss! I think all of us find "their" retirement very difficult to adjust to. The good bits are the days out, and going out for lunch etc., the bad bits are the lack of "me" time.

my partner takes over everything.... Used to upset me ...but now I don't mind if hangs out the washing, loads the dishwasher, Hoover's etc ...more me time !!!

I say to my DH "There's a fine line between being helpful and interfering". He finds it hard to see the line sometimes.

The more I read the comments on Gransnet , on various subjects the more I`m happy that I`m on my own. No interfering Husband. Do as I please, what I please and when I please.

DH infuriates me by turning down the gas under things when I am cooking. His argument is always 'well it was about to boil over', I would almost rather it did, than come back to something that should be ready and have to turn the heat up again. Just let him start on the slow cooker and there will be h*ll to pay!

In retirement both parties need to adjust and in this home it is 'least said soonest mended'. Therefore I no longer say anything but what I do makes the point. Kitchen, his domain, utility room mine and he just dumps things in there. I wait a few days and then dump them in his study. He leaves shopping bags around and somehow they seem to find their way to being in his way until he clears them up. When I do the dusting I collect all the bits and pieces he has left lying around and put them in his place at the table. He gets the message and we don't 'have words'. I ignore the state of his study and let him get on with it. I am not that house-proud but I do like things to be in the right place so they are easy to find.

Gagagran I have also said to my DH that help is something a person asks for or wants/ needs.. otherwise it is interfering!

Belladonna this has happened in our house too..I rarely do the washing ...however I have 'lost' some items due to his shove it all in together and on a hot wash...but i don't want to interfere

My ex once decided that my soup needed improvement and dumped a handful of cloves into it. Grounds for divorce, but we lasted several more years during which he once - and once only - added a grapefruit to my fruit salad which made for a very odd combination of flavours. His sister was having lunch with us and he was very miffed at the two of us, disparaging his 'helpful' addition. For thirty years I have been free of his culinary experiments.

Some of these situations made me chuckle but, seriously, I do think it helps if you have developed your own interests and carry them on after DH's retirement. Too many women seem to think they can't do anything on their own.

We have demarcation lines, I do pretty much most of the food shopping and cooking. When we have guests as we did at the week-end hubby does breakfasts he's very good at scrambled eggs. He did do more of the heavy duty cleaning, but he slid out of that one by hiring a cleaner a while ago He does clean my car though from time to time, said he saw verdigris growing on it an exaggeration. but gets his own done professionally. He does gardening, not too onerous our garden is quite small, general maintenance and often goes to the dump with larger items of rubbish, well seems like it anyway.

My DH is a parcel of neuroses - and so am I. We are both OCD about tidiness and we have similar personalities (eldest children: responsible, rule abiding, prudent etc.) Unfortunately, we both like to be in charge and when the DH is off work he automatically assumes he can shift his leading role into my sphere of influence. He thinks he's being kind, protective and chivalrous when he tries to 'help' even though I have clearly stated that I run a house, garden and all of our business solo when he's at work so I do not need any assistance. In fact, it's not help, it's interference.

We spend the first few days of any holiday bickering about who's in charge.

It's a tricky one but I love him to bits and we come to some sort of an accommodation. The trouble is he can never remember what we agreed and starts again on the first day of the next holiday.

I recall one disagreement where he said in bemusement, 'So you are saying YOU should be in charge?'

Yup!

Glad thinks worked out today, Katek! At first, I thought perhaps DH really does enjoy thinner soup. But since he didn't eat it, it seems to me, he just likes interfering or, TBF, feeling that he has a say in how it's done. Groan!

I had some of this problem when DH first retired. But gradually, we each redefined our own space, if you know what I mean. In fact, I agree with Nonnie that a good idea would be to take turns cooking. Or maybe divide up household chores. But your would both have to stick to your limits - no crossing the line to tell the other spouse to do it differently.

Lessnan, so sorry about your loss. And GillC, I'm sorry your DH was so ill. Thank you both for putting all this into perspective for us.

Sometimes reading Gransnet is too depressing for words. I envisage thousands of couples living lives of quiet desperation, unable to talk about the little things that need sorting out or you drive each other crazy. Thinking, can I stand twenty more years of this? And hoping that boundaries will emerge by magic. Makes me despair.

Oh dear, Pamish, I'm sure there's more tolerance around than you think! I did make sure to put a at the end of my post!

My DH often criticises what I do, or offers me the benefit of his superior advice. I just tell him that if he doesn't stop then he's going in the canal with a pair of concrete slippers on.

Everything perfect in your world then, Pamish?

Easy for you to say that narrowboatnan. One quick push on a dark night...... !!!

Mine doesn't criticise what I do in the house. I just wish he'd actually do some of it sometimes.