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Something unspoken?

(59 Posts)
Jane10 Sun 27-Dec-15 13:17:59

Reading over the various threads the past few days I was picking up a feeling that some Grans are feeling unappreciated by their families. The feelings seemed painful and I was pondering on this.
In retrospect, I now realise that my DMiL must have felt like that. She must have been lonely at times yet she virtually never contacted us. It was always us who phoned her. Don't quite know why. However, she was most definitely appreciated and much loved but in our stern Scottish way there was no question of the carelessly thrown about "love yous" and apparently meaningless hugs that seem so common these days. The bottom line was that we were always there for her and looked after her assiduously when she became too old and unwell to look after herself. That was never discussed. It was expected and it was done with (unspoken) love and care.
My mental ramblings could be summed up by considering the value of thinking about what people actually do rather than what they say.

TriciaF Tue 29-Dec-15 14:12:21

I agree Indinana (re kissing on lips.)
Our family has mixed habits - eldest son was always resistant to kissing us or relatives, his children are the same. The others loved a cuddle from me on the sofa, used to fight over whose turn it was, and their children are the same, not so much kissing though.
I notice some men substitute playfighting for cuddles and kisses.

Skweek1 Tue 29-Dec-15 14:42:02

When I was at college in the late 60s, I met one of the two loves of my love, who was not free (not married, but still tied to someone else). I am so glad when he went back home to Barbados at the end of the course that we made a point of that farewell hug and kiss as he got into the taxi. I never saw him again, but have still loved him for almost 50 years. I later heard from his sister that he had had a stroke and eventually passed over, and although I will always love and miss him, I'm pleased that we eventually did the right thing, hard though it was at the time.

bobbydog24 Tue 29-Dec-15 15:49:16

I too was never hugged or cuddled when I was a child by either parent. Consequently I felt awkward when anyone gave me a hug or showed any affection. When I had my two children I was determined to be a tactile parent. My son was not receptive at all and avoided any show of affection yet my daughter loved cuddles and constantly gave hugs and kisses to all members of our family, who reciprocated enthusiastically. She changed the family's attitude dramatically and now it's hugs and shows of affection all round. Even our son now 46 is open to the odd cuddle. We are a much more demonstrative family and better for it. Grandchildren are so openly affectionate it comes so natural to them. Molds can be broken. My mum was one of 12 so I don't think parents had time or energy to give shows of affection and I thinks she learnt to do without.

Jane10 Tue 29-Dec-15 16:57:45

Or found reassurance in other less overt ways? It feels to me that hugs etc are the froth on top of deeper levels of care expressed in other more practical ways. Obviously some people want this and others are quite happy and secure in their relationships without hugging a lot. Its not a matter of learning to do without more that they are unnecessary for some.

seacliff Tue 29-Dec-15 17:05:06

My Dad was a lovely man, loved by many, and I really miss his big cuddly bear hugs when we saw him (not that often as quite a distance between us) so comforting and genuine.

We have a male friend who hugs me when we meet, I wasn't used to it from just friends, but now accept thats how he is, and it's lovely. Feel a bit uncomfortable with hugs from most people, but my sons get a hug of course. Especially the one down under who will arrive soon for a visit - first time I'll have seen him for 4 years!!!

petra Wed 30-Dec-15 14:29:02

I have to laugh at my son in law who goes to shake hands with my OH. OH isn't having any of that, it's hugs and kisses from him, men and women.

JackieBee1 Wed 30-Dec-15 15:51:17

As in "Actions speak louder than words" Jane 10? I agree smile

Jane10 Wed 30-Dec-15 17:20:10

Yes Jackie sometimes its the little things that say I love you loud and clear!