Something unspoken?

As a child I wasn't given many hugs and never I love you although in the last month's of my parents life I made a point of always kissing them goodbye whenever I left them and I think we both appreciated this gesture .With my own children who are now adults we hug often when saying goodbye but I must admit hugs from work colleagues and friends still leave me a little tense.

Indinana Yes it is sad to lose a parent so young. Sadder for my youngest sister who was only 14 when our mum died. She says she was always known at school as 'the one whose mum died'. Unfortunately our dad was a violent alcoholic so he was of no use. I do appreciate that some people lose their parents even earlier. Some sad posts on here

No hugs or kissing in our house, affection was not being smacked that day.

Sorry boggles. Sounds like you need a hug

Yep Harrigran, that just about sums it up for me too. And I learnt not to be ill, or if I was not to show it in case I invoked the "pull yourself together girl".

My mother told me from a very early age that I was never wanted I was a mistake and then when I got older she then told me she wanted me aborted but the doctor wouldn't do it as she was 5mths gone when she found out she was pregnant, consequently I have very little feelings for my "mother" yes she looked after me fed and clothed me and made sure I had everything I needed except one thing love but it effected how I interacted with my children I have tried to be loving but find it incredibly hard I think they know that I would give my life for them and my grandchildren too. My mother is dead now and I don't miss her at all I miss my father and talk about him a lot and I try to be a good DIL to my husbands mum and treat her with the respect she deserves ( a little hard sometimes) I think what I'm trying to say is you learn off your parents so perhaps we should try harder they were a different generation and life has changed.
Anyway I hope everyone has a HAPPY NEW YEAR live love and enjoy xx

I don't think hugging and kissing was considered very British (stiff upper lip etc), my mum always had a fear of us catching something if all and sundry kissed us, I did wonder if growing up in the pre antibiotic era made them more cautious! I do hug and kiss the family but smalls on top of the head, obviously a hangover from Dom.

I rarely phone my two sons because they and their wives work, sometimes till late and I don't want to interrupt the free time that they have. They usually phone once a week when we have a long chat. Anything urgent or important, of course we phone but our contact is mainly by text messages, which sounds cold, but in fact is usually odd little things that have amused or interested us - almost like everyday conversation! Somedays there are a lot passing to and fro: other days very little - and I feel part of their lives, but not intrusive.

I don't feel I actually need lots of kisses and hugs. I know I'm loved and valued by the people who matter to me. Its as in OP 'Something unspoken'. I always liked the Seamus Heaney line "evergreen aquiver and unsaid". Its not the obvious expressions of affection that counts for me but the 101 little things (sometimes large) that dear ones do that matter most.

I grew up an only child, having group hugs and kisses with my very loving parents, and I've always been the same with my two children. They in turn are very tactile and loving with their own children.
There has been a lot of love about this Christmas and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think I'm extremely lucky.

My mother was an over-the-top hugger/kisser, about which my DH and MiL were very cynical. MiL's own family, and also her DH were not demonstrative, and it was all she could do to proffer a cheek for about the first three years of my DBf's and my relationship. I never knew her husband. However, by the time she died, some 30 years after I first met her, she would have crushed anyone's ribs who would have let her, and had blossomed into the most openly loving person. My DH was a bit short on the loving comments, and I have to say that I wished he could have told me, just once in our later years, how much I had really meant to him.
Once our two boys had grown into their teens, there weren't any hugs beteewn them and their dad, though I still got, and still do get, big crushing hugs from them both. I felt it to be a very important thing to be able to do.For some reason, about ten years ago, although I didn't have any premonition that their father wouldn't live into a long old age, I never wanted them to have any regret about hugging not happening. So, I asked all three of them, individually, if they would be willing to give and receive hugs from each other, and they all said a resounding 'yes'. In view of the fact thier dad died last year after a harrowing 9months' illness, I am SO glad, they were able to hug him and each other, and have no regrets.
I NEED to be able to give and to receive loving hugs, but I do respect that others may not feel the same way.

I had unconditional love from Mum who sadly died at 52. Never felt anything for Dad and have a difficult relationship there still. I was quite selfish too as a young person but Mum thought the world of me although we never did 'love you' all the time like they do today. It wasn't necessary.

My mother went to us four children in turn at Christmas. I said that would never happen to me but I see it happening. I know they care but I refuse to be passed from one to the other. Next Christmas Waitrose will deliver my food in a box, I will watch whatever I want on TV (including the Queen) and I will so enjoy it

We are huggers but only after my oldest sister, God rest her soul, brought us to it. She was an active Charismatic Christian and hugged everyone. I loved it! I work in an office where we often share a group hug. That took a bit of getting used to but we all have a great laugh and carry on working feeling bolstered up and cherished. My children and grandchildren are all huggers as are lots of my friends. It's terribly good for our mental health apparently. And just as an aside, I don't agree that those of us over 55 grew up knowing we were loved and didn't need cuddled.

I see my DDs & DGCs regularly but as a family we do not habitually kiss /hug. We did on Xmas day and will on B'days but not each time we see each other. We are close and know that we care and love each other but never got into the hug habit! THe DGCs are kissed and hugged all the time!!

My family never gave hugs, kisses or any display of affection but I just knew I was loved and I am sure they knew they were loved back. My mum died at 55 when I was 25 and dad 5 years later. We didn't need to say or do anything we just felt.

My children in their adult life are teaching me slowly to hug. They hug all the time. When they come and go and on special occasions they hug me. They text 'love you'. I'm getting better and it feels good.

Cuddles with the grandchildren just seem to come naturally probably because its natural to them so they just include me.

However I still feel uncomfortable with friends and acquaintances.

DianneAngel I also know just what you mean. I am so glad my family changed as adults from a non-demonstrative one to huggers. I think two things were the reasons for this happening. The first was my Mum moved back to Scotland with her new husband and we no longer saw each other all the time. The second was the death of my Dad a few years later. I never told my Dad how much I loved him because it wasn't the done thing in our family and although he knew it, I wish I had been strong enough to hug him and tell him. After his death we all seemed to just start hugging each other hello and good bye. I think it was because we live miles apart and wanted to make sure we expressed how much we mean to each other, even though we don't see each other very often. It was like we all knew we didn't want to carry on with the idea we all know that we're loved, so showing it isn't necessary. We found it was necessary and it actually came pretty naturally to us too.

Also, I realised late in life I'd grown up believing it's not ok to be ill, almost as if it was a sign of weakness. I suspect it's something to do with my parents both working full time, so being ill caused problems. I know my parents loved me, yet I don't remember being told this as a child and some how this was one of the outcomes.

My DH and I often say I love you, but with the rest of my family it's still quite rare we say I love you, but when we do, it's a precious thing because we know we're still not quite comfortable saying it out loud - but we're getting there.

I know I don't want another loved one to die without making sure they know how much I love them.

Didn't it start (in earnest) when Diana died?
I don't think hugs and kisses mean anything genuine.I don't do it,only to my grandkids,absolutely smother them with kisses all the time I'm with them.
We didn't do it with our mother either,but there was no question of the love,I adored my mother.I still miss her and think of her every single day.

No, it didn't start with Diana, and your hugs and kisses may not mean anything but mine certainly do!

I don't miss and hug random strangers, just the family and friends that I care about.

Kiss not 'miss' although both apply! ?

We didn't do much hugging and kissing when I was growing up but, after my father died, my mother gradually became more of a hugger. She also started to say "love you" at the end of our telephone conversations. Once, as I went to kiss her on the cheek to say goodbye, she asked me to kiss her on the lips. To my shame, I couldn't do it. Poor Mum was 70 when Dad died and was on her own for 20 years. I've been on my own for only 7 years but I miss the comfort of human contact. I'll hug anyone who stands still long enough. I can't remember the last time I was kissed on the lips.

DH's family always kissed each other on the lips (just a peck!), but I was rather horrified, I'm afraid, never having come across the practice before.

I'm fine with hugs, though, and kisses on the cheek (or head if it's the only bit of my GDs I can access!)

It certainly didn't start with Diana in our family - as I explained. And our hugs and kisses are the exact opposite of meaningless. I hug a few of my friends, some as a greeting, sometimes it's as a cuddle hug. Sometimes my Mum holds my face to kiss me on the lips and I think she's remembering kissing us as little children like that. I don't mind it because I know it means something to her.

Some people like human contact more than others and there's no need to imply one is more correct or genuine.

I am glad though it is more acceptable now to show these emotions.

A friend who is a counsellor for Relate told me a story of an older couple who went for help with their relationship. The wife said that her husband never told her that he loved her. The husband, who was a retired army officer, said 'I told you that I loved you when I proposed to you. If anything changed, I would let you know'

TrishTc that is priceless

Ana, my PiL both used to kiss on the lips too. I was shocked when they started doing this with me and always tried to avert my face so that the kiss landed on my cheek. Didn't always succeed. Lip kissing in my book is strictly reserved for lovers and for parents with their young children. Kissing anyone else on the lips is just wrong