Something unspoken?

Yes Jackie sometimes its the little things that say I love you loud and clear!

As in "Actions speak louder than words" Jane 10? I agree

I have to laugh at my son in law who goes to shake hands with my OH. OH isn't having any of that, it's hugs and kisses from him, men and women.

My Dad was a lovely man, loved by many, and I really miss his big cuddly bear hugs when we saw him (not that often as quite a distance between us) so comforting and genuine.

We have a male friend who hugs me when we meet, I wasn't used to it from just friends, but now accept thats how he is, and it's lovely. Feel a bit uncomfortable with hugs from most people, but my sons get a hug of course. Especially the one down under who will arrive soon for a visit - first time I'll have seen him for 4 years!!!

Or found reassurance in other less overt ways? It feels to me that hugs etc are the froth on top of deeper levels of care expressed in other more practical ways. Obviously some people want this and others are quite happy and secure in their relationships without hugging a lot. Its not a matter of learning to do without more that they are unnecessary for some.

I too was never hugged or cuddled when I was a child by either parent. Consequently I felt awkward when anyone gave me a hug or showed any affection. When I had my two children I was determined to be a tactile parent. My son was not receptive at all and avoided any show of affection yet my daughter loved cuddles and constantly gave hugs and kisses to all members of our family, who reciprocated enthusiastically. She changed the family's attitude dramatically and now it's hugs and shows of affection all round. Even our son now 46 is open to the odd cuddle. We are a much more demonstrative family and better for it. Grandchildren are so openly affectionate it comes so natural to them. Molds can be broken. My mum was one of 12 so I don't think parents had time or energy to give shows of affection and I thinks she learnt to do without.

When I was at college in the late 60s, I met one of the two loves of my love, who was not free (not married, but still tied to someone else). I am so glad when he went back home to Barbados at the end of the course that we made a point of that farewell hug and kiss as he got into the taxi. I never saw him again, but have still loved him for almost 50 years. I later heard from his sister that he had had a stroke and eventually passed over, and although I will always love and miss him, I'm pleased that we eventually did the right thing, hard though it was at the time.

I agree Indinana (re kissing on lips.)
Our family has mixed habits - eldest son was always resistant to kissing us or relatives, his children are the same. The others loved a cuddle from me on the sofa, used to fight over whose turn it was, and their children are the same, not so much kissing though.
I notice some men substitute playfighting for cuddles and kisses.

TrishTc that is priceless

Ana, my PiL both used to kiss on the lips too. I was shocked when they started doing this with me and always tried to avert my face so that the kiss landed on my cheek. Didn't always succeed. Lip kissing in my book is strictly reserved for lovers and for parents with their young children. Kissing anyone else on the lips is just wrong

A friend who is a counsellor for Relate told me a story of an older couple who went for help with their relationship. The wife said that her husband never told her that he loved her. The husband, who was a retired army officer, said 'I told you that I loved you when I proposed to you. If anything changed, I would let you know'

It certainly didn't start with Diana in our family - as I explained. And our hugs and kisses are the exact opposite of meaningless. I hug a few of my friends, some as a greeting, sometimes it's as a cuddle hug. Sometimes my Mum holds my face to kiss me on the lips and I think she's remembering kissing us as little children like that. I don't mind it because I know it means something to her.

Some people like human contact more than others and there's no need to imply one is more correct or genuine.

I am glad though it is more acceptable now to show these emotions.

DH's family always kissed each other on the lips (just a peck!), but I was rather horrified, I'm afraid, never having come across the practice before.

I'm fine with hugs, though, and kisses on the cheek (or head if it's the only bit of my GDs I can access!)

We didn't do much hugging and kissing when I was growing up but, after my father died, my mother gradually became more of a hugger. She also started to say "love you" at the end of our telephone conversations. Once, as I went to kiss her on the cheek to say goodbye, she asked me to kiss her on the lips. To my shame, I couldn't do it. Poor Mum was 70 when Dad died and was on her own for 20 years. I've been on my own for only 7 years but I miss the comfort of human contact. I'll hug anyone who stands still long enough. I can't remember the last time I was kissed on the lips.

Kiss not 'miss' although both apply! ?

No, it didn't start with Diana, and your hugs and kisses may not mean anything but mine certainly do!

I don't miss and hug random strangers, just the family and friends that I care about.

Didn't it start (in earnest) when Diana died?
I don't think hugs and kisses mean anything genuine.I don't do it,only to my grandkids,absolutely smother them with kisses all the time I'm with them.
We didn't do it with our mother either,but there was no question of the love,I adored my mother.I still miss her and think of her every single day.

DianneAngel I also know just what you mean. I am so glad my family changed as adults from a non-demonstrative one to huggers. I think two things were the reasons for this happening. The first was my Mum moved back to Scotland with her new husband and we no longer saw each other all the time. The second was the death of my Dad a few years later. I never told my Dad how much I loved him because it wasn't the done thing in our family and although he knew it, I wish I had been strong enough to hug him and tell him. After his death we all seemed to just start hugging each other hello and good bye. I think it was because we live miles apart and wanted to make sure we expressed how much we mean to each other, even though we don't see each other very often. It was like we all knew we didn't want to carry on with the idea we all know that we're loved, so showing it isn't necessary. We found it was necessary and it actually came pretty naturally to us too.

Also, I realised late in life I'd grown up believing it's not ok to be ill, almost as if it was a sign of weakness. I suspect it's something to do with my parents both working full time, so being ill caused problems. I know my parents loved me, yet I don't remember being told this as a child and some how this was one of the outcomes.

My DH and I often say I love you, but with the rest of my family it's still quite rare we say I love you, but when we do, it's a precious thing because we know we're still not quite comfortable saying it out loud - but we're getting there.

I know I don't want another loved one to die without making sure they know how much I love them.

My family never gave hugs, kisses or any display of affection but I just knew I was loved and I am sure they knew they were loved back. My mum died at 55 when I was 25 and dad 5 years later. We didn't need to say or do anything we just felt.

My children in their adult life are teaching me slowly to hug. They hug all the time. When they come and go and on special occasions they hug me. They text 'love you'. I'm getting better and it feels good.

Cuddles with the grandchildren just seem to come naturally probably because its natural to them so they just include me.

However I still feel uncomfortable with friends and acquaintances.

I see my DDs & DGCs regularly but as a family we do not habitually kiss /hug. We did on Xmas day and will on B'days but not each time we see each other. We are close and know that we care and love each other but never got into the hug habit! THe DGCs are kissed and hugged all the time!!

We are huggers but only after my oldest sister, God rest her soul, brought us to it. She was an active Charismatic Christian and hugged everyone. I loved it! I work in an office where we often share a group hug. That took a bit of getting used to but we all have a great laugh and carry on working feeling bolstered up and cherished. My children and grandchildren are all huggers as are lots of my friends. It's terribly good for our mental health apparently. And just as an aside, I don't agree that those of us over 55 grew up knowing we were loved and didn't need cuddled.

My mother went to us four children in turn at Christmas. I said that would never happen to me but I see it happening. I know they care but I refuse to be passed from one to the other. Next Christmas Waitrose will deliver my food in a box, I will watch whatever I want on TV (including the Queen) and I will so enjoy it

I had unconditional love from Mum who sadly died at 52. Never felt anything for Dad and have a difficult relationship there still. I was quite selfish too as a young person but Mum thought the world of me although we never did 'love you' all the time like they do today. It wasn't necessary.

My mother was an over-the-top hugger/kisser, about which my DH and MiL were very cynical. MiL's own family, and also her DH were not demonstrative, and it was all she could do to proffer a cheek for about the first three years of my DBf's and my relationship. I never knew her husband. However, by the time she died, some 30 years after I first met her, she would have crushed anyone's ribs who would have let her, and had blossomed into the most openly loving person. My DH was a bit short on the loving comments, and I have to say that I wished he could have told me, just once in our later years, how much I had really meant to him.
Once our two boys had grown into their teens, there weren't any hugs beteewn them and their dad, though I still got, and still do get, big crushing hugs from them both. I felt it to be a very important thing to be able to do.For some reason, about ten years ago, although I didn't have any premonition that their father wouldn't live into a long old age, I never wanted them to have any regret about hugging not happening. So, I asked all three of them, individually, if they would be willing to give and receive hugs from each other, and they all said a resounding 'yes'. In view of the fact thier dad died last year after a harrowing 9months' illness, I am SO glad, they were able to hug him and each other, and have no regrets.
I NEED to be able to give and to receive loving hugs, but I do respect that others may not feel the same way.

I grew up an only child, having group hugs and kisses with my very loving parents, and I've always been the same with my two children. They in turn are very tactile and loving with their own children.
There has been a lot of love about this Christmas and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think I'm extremely lucky.

I don't feel I actually need lots of kisses and hugs. I know I'm loved and valued by the people who matter to me. Its as in OP 'Something unspoken'. I always liked the Seamus Heaney line "evergreen aquiver and unsaid". Its not the obvious expressions of affection that counts for me but the 101 little things (sometimes large) that dear ones do that matter most.