Empathy

This is a long term problem of mine and I don't know the answer.I am so worried about upsetting people further especially in bereavement but hate just sending a bland card, I start to write a note and it never sounds right so I add to it and am never sure, but there is no formula to follow, but to answer your post I always do something.I need people to know I am thinking of them either in their sorrow or their joy.

I have learned over the past few years that it is always better to be straight with people. I tend to say what I feel and sometimes actually say "I don't know what I can say to make you feel better". We are all human and when my Dad passed away 7 years ago, I could tell when people were genuine and found it comforting when they spoke to me about my loss rather than avoiding the subject.

I tie myself up in knots over the right thing to say, write or do. Some people have the knack, not me.

I would say it was true in my case but experience has taught me that it's better to say something than nothing. I cannot feel the same about people who said nothing at all when DS1 had a stroke but I know very well that I probably would have acted in that way before it happened in my life. I try to make a point of saying something now. And, we don't get to our great age without experiencing dreadful events either actually or vicariously and so get more understanding of what helps.

On the other hand, I try very hard not to say things that have really irritated me in case it creates a scene. For instance, I say nothing every time my BiL and his wife bring their pesky dog to our house and think there is something wrong with our cat when it hides in the wardrobe. And, I keep suggesting that they are too old to have another dog when this one dies.

I think you have a slightly difficult relationship with your sister anyway, Alea so I hope this can be smoothed over.

Speak from the heart, when expressing condolences, but also keep in mind how well/ not well you knew the person.Unless you knew them really well, less is more.

I try to say something comforting even if its ' I'm so sorry that you are sad at the moment', Strangely I have been thinking about this. I always seen an In Sympathy card when someone has died and received very many when both my parents died which was lovely to know someone was thinking about me and I have kept them all for the lovely messages. MIL died recently and DH hasn't received a single one and I am upset for him although I haven't voiced it in case he is feeling the same as he would always send a card. Our younger daughter sent him a bouquet of white flowers which was lovely though.

Sometimes it's better to wait until strong feelings have settled down before responding. You can't really know how the other person is feeling, we're all different . eg I've read a few stories lately about elderly couples where one has died after a long illness, and the bereaved person has a feeling of relief.
Then write or ring to say something positive. And offer to help.

In most situations I believe even a slightly 'clumsy' or not perfect but kindly and empathically meant comment is better than saying nothing.

However, where the relationship has been difficult, sadly it is sometimes the case that rather than smoothing over past difficulties, any well meant comment can merely add to them.

all best Alea

To be slightly clearer, I told my sister that DH had had a stroke in September, that DD is getting married in December and that she is pregnant. I said how thrilled they were as DD lost her first baby almost exactly a year ago.
Her comment?
Just. "Sorry to hear about DH and DD"
So I clearly took that the wrong way and said I didn't understand what she meant because we were delighted about both the wedding and the baby! TBH I was probably feeling grumpy anyway, she never actually replies to my mails, or responds to questions about herself or the family. I'm hadn't heard from her since August either.
So she replied that I was like Mum, always looking for some hidden meaning in her letters and that she always ended up apologising, but really, I wonder sometimes if she is on the ASD spectrum sometimes.
I don't think relations are on the mend somehow !

Sorry if I'm being dense here, but couldn't she just have meant that she was sorry about your DH's stroke and also the fact that your DD had lost her first baby?

Of course she would have been told about it at the time, but...

You are right, of course, and yes, I did tell her at the time, I might just have expectd something more along the line news of " yes, that was sad, we were so sorry for her, but delighted to hear that things are looking up/life is improving/hear her good news, sending lots of love for the wedding" whatever.
She just comes out with these abrupt statements, nearly devoid of sentiment (e.g when a favourite aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she only said "oh yes, she's not been too well. Pancreatic cancer is a killer and much more common these days".)
She ended that particular email "Best wishes"

Anyway, sorry, I am digressing.

Yes, I see what you mean. Rather 'detached' responses...

But really not our fault, the way we are made, is it? Annoying as it is for other people.

It just highlights how different we are from each other, I can never get my sister to understand my emails, she always takes them the wrong way. Yet I have friends who understand them perfectly. It's odd. She takes everything I say the wrong way, the negative way. She looks for hidden meanings where none was meant. It's very hard work, but the reason I write is because she is even worse on the phone! She twists everything I say until I am very confused.

I imagine, Alea, that your sister has always been like that, I.e. not very good at empathising, so I suppose she was just being herself. Others would show excitement about a new baby in the family, but sadly perhaps she just doesn't feel excited. Did she act similarly when you were both younger? Hopefully any rift can be mended and she will enjoy being a wedding guest and great aunt again.

Oops, she won't be invited, not out of unfriendliness, but DD is in her late 30's and they are very much choosing who is invited, also space is TIGHT. Sis and BIL live in Canada and I wasn't invited to any of her children's weddings although Mum and Dad were.
Very distant in every sense, but I don't want to derail the thread, just wondered what others feel about saying the right thing, finding it hard to find the right words, risking getting it wrong or saying nothing!

Oh no, stillhere you're not my sister are you?

I would always say something, probably agonising over getting it right. I'd have been thinking about it and hopefully the right words would materialise. More or less. I wouldn't avoid comment from discomfort or embarrassment or even from perceived inadequacy but I know how hard it can feel to get it just right. I've sometimes got it wrong and regretted it.

rosesarered's comment "really not our fault, the way we are made" could be a thread on its own. It resonates with me because it reflects my mother's world view, she'd often comment "well, it's just in his/her nature isn't it". Whilst I empathise (lol) with this view of human nature, it does raise the question in me about just how far we go in allowing each other and ourselves, free reign in some of our less likeable personality traits.

On a less hurtful or damaging level there are those who 'call a spade a spade', which I often feel means these individuals give themselves permission to say things they know are rude/hurtful to the person they're directed at. At the other extreme for we Hitler, indulging his murderous tendencies.

This reminds me of when I told my mother I had breast cancer she just said "oh everyone gets over that these days".

Maybe she felt you needed to hear those words as encouragement annsixty it could have been said with more empathy though..
I'm another one who agonises over what to write in a 'with sympathy' card. As it's difficult to convey the right tone. When coming face to face I usually hug or touch an arm depending on how well I know the bereaved and say 'Im so sorry X was a lovely man/woman'

Thank you nina for putting a kind spin on it but it wasn't about her, if you know what I mean.