During lockdown, my DIL has told my son she wants divorce

@bibbity, I noticed that too. In conjunction with the OP’s last post I have a lot of sympathy for the DIL here, a new mum expected to lend her husband back to mummy every six weeks to play house with the baby, give up Christmas and put a smile on her face whilst knowing mummy doesn’t actually like her. Yet the OP is furious with her DIL. The relationship dynamics here do not sound healthy!

Hello ladies. I’m feeling desperately sad and just do not know how to make myself feel better. I’m heartbroken for my son; he is now living in a rented room - he feels he has lost everything - his child, his dogs, the family life he so wanted. I am at a loss how to help him. We are still in lockdown, so he can’t go anywhere or back to work. We live a long way from him too, so can’t see him. He is literally on his own - and still in a bit of shock about what has happened. I keep crying, can’t sleep. I am considering getting some counselling, by phone as can’t leave the house of course. Has anybody ever been through anything like this before? It is incredibly hard to see your child in emotional pain, I’m sure you all would agree. I haven’t experienced this kind of heartbreak for my children before.

Do you have a spare room? Could he live with you for a little bit?

I agree that he should stay put while the lock-down is still in force even if it means sleeping on the sofa. Bibbity, it's not a good idea for him to move in with his mum who should try to remain impartial in the circumstances, as she too will need to remain on good terms with her DiL and maintain a relationship with her GC. My DS managed to live under the same roof for the better part of a year until he got his own place - luckily they had a good sized spare room.

Thank you ladies. No, it’s not possible for him to live with me, as he lives the other end of the country. His job is there too. I am hoping when he can get back to work, he will feel a bit better, as he will be with friends, colleagues again. I’m so desperately sad for him. Hurts deeply seeing him in so much emotional pain. Thank you

Annali, very upsetting for you at this time, but all you can do is offer love and support. (Don't criticise his wife - as they may reunite!)

Remind him that, however bad he feels now, he will be happy again in the future. He needs to wait things out emotionally.

I remember feeling helpless when a son was rejected by his partner. He was absolutely devastated. I told him that he wouldn't be so upset in six month's time. He later said that it helped.

Annali is entitled to tell them the child is far too young to lose a parent, which is not only true but also demonstrates Annali is thinking about the rights of her grandchild.

I do agree divorces can be more more less amicable, even affectionate and friendly, and that seems the best way ahead. Could Annali suggest to her son he seeks from his wife a temporary 'separation' within the home for the duration of the present emergency.

PS It's important at no time Annali talks to either of the poor young things with an accusatory or judgmental tone.

Let’s be realistic. One is her child. The other is not.
She should absolutely stay kind, calm and polite if speaking to the mother. But the idea that letting her son move into her home post divorce is ‘picking a side’ is ridiculous.

I think the OP has been ridiculous in the past. I think she may have had a hand in the breakdown of this marriage.

But if the mother were to kick off at Op because her STBEH moved in with his mother then she would be a little pathetic. He can move in and Op stay out of their business.

I do not share Bibbity's opinion.

I am sorry for the poster's distress. but it is her son's problem and he has to deal with it. I was surprised at the speed with which he was able to rent a room and purchase new furniture, and think he was very foolish to have moved out so quickly during lockdown.
I don't know if it is possible, but if his name is still on the tenancy agreement he should move back in, and the 'friend' who has moved in should go. If the tenancy has changed, then it is no longer his home and he needs to start divorce proceedings or at least a legal separation immediately to ensure access to his child during lockdown.
The marriage may have broken down, but he needs to fight for his child; as an-at-home father in the family home sharing child-care he would have a much stronger case for joint custody. The mother wants to end the marriage; she should be the one to leave until a legal agreement is reached.
This happened with a family member; the mother wanted to end the marriage and left; the father managed to hold on to the family home and the children; now divorced and with new partners they share custody and maintain a relatively amicable relationship for the sake of the children.

Bibbity I think you are a very unkind person.

My vote is for bibbity.

Annali you do need to take a step back and not get so distressed over this as its not going to help your family. Your son is an adult and needs to find a way through this himself, you are there to support and help them if needed but it won't work if you are so distressed.

GrannySomerset does the fact that your grandchildren were adopted have any bearing on the marriage breakdown. I wondered why you chose to mention it.

How the bloody hell have I been unkind?!

I mentioned it because they went through so much to adopt these children, something they both wanted. It hasn’t all been plain sailing but they have handled it well, so the end of the marriage has been something of a shock even though neither is easy to live with.

We continue to love them all.

Annali, it's a hard time for everyone especially the little boy. In a way, it's a good thing it's happening now, when their son is really too young to realise what's going on.
I'm not the best person to give advice as I made many a faux paux , where my adult sons and their wives are concerned. If your son is anything like my two, they are extremely loyal to their wives and any criticism of them will ricochet back to you . I hope things work out for you all and especially the baby .

Annali your son needs to pull himself together and start looking after his child. Even if he has moved out he still has parental rights and it is legitimate for a child to be moved from one home to another during lockdown. It might also help him cope to have some responsibility. He can still enjoy bathtime and all the other things he misses but he has to step up and ask for proper contact arrangements.

Trisher, perhaps you don't know how controlling a wife can be.

Alexa no matter how controlling a wife can be (and believe me I know exactly how) it is a man's duty to make sure he keeps contact with his children and undertakes to care for them. It isn't something a wife can easily stop without proving abuse. Most family courts today prefer joint custody arrangements. It is also something that should be decided at the mediation any divorcing couple must undergo. It takes strength and dedication but it can and should be done.

Of course I agree with you Trisher.