Maternal vs Paternal Granny

I'm feeling really quite anxious about this as first GS due anytime. I get on really well with my DIL but at the baby shower last weekend her mother made it very clear where she thinks I fit in. We live 3hrs away and she lives 1.5hrs. We're both retired. I've told son and DIL that I'm happy to travel and help whenever they need me but only when asked, I don't want to interfere but MIL has very strong views did should come first. I really want to enjoy this time as both my sons were really close to their grandparents but it doesn't look promising especially as DIL doesn't like coming "North "

I have a situation where dil has weekly visits from her mother and they speak on the phone every day. My son is a man of few words and we get on but have had about 4 in depth conversations since he was 17. He is now 46.

I am in contact mostly by email with my own daughter but actually see less and less of her as children get into their teens.DIL seems to think I don't give as much time to my son as to my daughter and I should give equal time (????) I am always ready to step in when asked, have never refused.

Bottom line - get that smile pasted on for the duration. Invite when you can, volunteer when you can but don't antagonise by complaining as dil holds all the cards - what the paternal granny gets to do she gets to do and you will have to accept.

I guess you'll have to accept the situation for what it is. What I have found with mine is that, although I don't see my grandchild as much as I'd probably like, I do ask my son to send regular photos, which he does.

We grandparents "up north" definitely feel surplus to requirements with our son's family. My DiL's parents live round the corner and are at their house every day, are very involved in child care and help out on numerous occasions. Fair enough.
We live 3+ hours away and are still working so can't offer the same level of support. However. it does feel that any offers I make, to help with buying clothes, making party cakes, whatever, are really not wanted. At least they do Skype sometimes at the weekend.
All I can do is hope that, when the girls are older, we will be able to build a different sort of relationship with them, and offer experiences that they won't have otherwise.

I have 3 daughters. They all see more of their MiL's than they do me due to the huge distances involved. I do occasionally get a bit upset, especially when I see photos of the jolly 'family' times they are all having together but I am happy that the girls all have a good relationship with their respective in-laws.and have the necessary help when required. I am visiting DD1 for the past week and was looking forward to taking the 3 year old to his pre-school party and having a chance to bonding, yet again, with him but the other GM turned up and came with us, so obviously he held her hand and wanted her to take off his coat etc... I was a bit miffed at losing that opportunity,but heh, c'est la vie, and it's not worth getting het up - life's too short. I have the same problem in Oz when I feel the OGM should take a step back occasionally and give me a chance!

Every situation is so different but the distance between families seems to be the cause of the problems and not actual relationships. Our youngest daughter and son in law have given us a precious gs who is now 16 months and likely to be our only grandchild. Both sets of grandparents get on very well. We live a 3 hour drive away but son in law's parents only 20 minute drive. Given the distance our daughter and son in law have done all they can to include us in their life but it does take effort by us to do the travelling as with them both working they just can't come to us very often. Of course we would like to be nearer but we so appreciate what we have although of course not always easy! It seems as paternal or maternal grandparents we mustn't be selfish as long as the children are well cared for.

I have twelve grandchildren with one son-in-law and two daughters-in-law. My daughter's MIL lives up the street from them and so is much more involved in the children's lives. But my daughter knows we are there if she needs us.

Whereas both of my daughters-in-law look to me to do the grand-parenting bit much more than their own mothers. Having said this, circumstances dictate that this is easier all round.

All three sets of families expect all of their parents (maternal and paternal) to be heavily involved and Christmas time can become hilarious, with who to visit when and so on. We all got together at the beginning of this year to celebrate the Matriarch's 90th birthday (my mother). And next year my husband and I celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary so will invite all to get together once again.

There is one grandchild who we rarely see as he was adopted by one of the SIL's sisters (she was unable to have children herself). We choose to take a hands-off approach as he has other grandparents because of the adoption, although we have seen him occasionally and we always send Christmas and Birthday presents.

It just occurred to me as I read through the posts that I could come across DDIL's or DSIL's mum describing our situation and realise that she is one of the GNers I've "talked to" on here. I wonder if that's ever happened?

Even if I did, I hope the post would be positive. I'm extremely lucky in that we all as families work together and do what we can and when for our little 'uns depending on our individual circumstances. We get on very well. I was touched when my DSIL's mother insisted on waiting to see DGS2 when he was born until after DH and I had been, as she thought DD2 would want to see us first.

As a rule of thumb, if the mother of the children is very close to her own mother then I think it's likely, that the maternal side will take precedence. Of course everyone has a different set of circumstances, Speaking as a paternal grandmother, I feel my role is secondary, I'm not saying this bitterly, more as a matter of fact. The other side's input with time is greater, for instance gd will stay with them for weeks at a time in school holidays and she will be taken on holiday as well. When our own children were young we dreamed about adult holidays and breaks and whilst we might do something such as an occasional Centre Parcs trip, we don't want to do child oriented holidays all over again, we have waited a long time to be free of all that. I see my grandchildren regularly on a weekly basis and have our gd overnight on occasions and hope that will continue. I provide support with reading, swimming, outings to the cinema, trips to the park, I buy them clothes and shoes and make other financial contributions. I know my role and influence is secondary to the maternal grandmother, but my attitude is to go with the flow Life's too short to get into battles over who gets the children at Christmas etc. My ethos is to be the grandparent I want to be, I take the view that everyone brings something different to the table and those things wont always be the same as the other side, but will no doubt enhance child/rens lives and that's what matters in the long run.

My heart will always go out to those who have been cut out of grandchildren's lives.

We don't have this problem. My GS's other (paternal) grandparents have always showed little or no interest in him, something we simply failed to understand, since they have other grandchildren and don't seem to have a problem with them. It has resulted in DD and SiL having little or no contact with them, so disappointed are they with the situation. My GS is a very bright, handsome eight year old who has never been more of a handful than any other child if his age. They simply don't seem want his company. I have always found this dreadfully sad. Not only for my GS (though in truth, it doesn't seem to trouble him), but for my SiL. I know this does happen in families. I worked with a lady who had the same problem with her mother. No-one would be happier than me if this situation did not exist, and he had two sets of GPs but our boy just has us, who love the bones of him and can't get enough of his company!

There seems to be a lot of focus here on being asked to babysit and used for childcare.

With no daughters, I shall always be the paternal granny, but I often make the effort to go and see my grandchildren and spend time with them ( and their parents), rather than just being used as a babysitter. Of course your location, committments etc will affect how much time you are able to spend with your grandchildren, but I wonder if maybe by always expecting your daughters- in- law to include you, you're giving the impression you're not all that interested. Just a thought.

I'm not sure I was always as kind to my mother in law as I should have been especially as she was very kind to me. One of my sons lives abroad and like another writer I am very grateful to his mother in law for the way she has looked out for him and supported him in adjusting to new way of life. But my relationship with her is limited to a couple of visits a year.
My son in England and his wife purposefully chose a house more or less between the two sets of grand parents. Luckily for us her parents were happy to do a days child minding every other week as were we so we get to look after them regularly. The bonus of this is that we see the children on their own ( which makes me sound very controlling) but it does mean we probably have formed a closer relationship with the children. And my daughter in law ......... Well I cannot say enough about how relaxed she is with us and how valued she makes us feel. I feel very lucky.

Although we live nearer our eldest DS, we have never been asked to babysit, or even left alone with our 16 month DGD.

Fortunately we look after our other DGDs quite a lot.

BTW DH and I both hold enhanced CRB checks. Isn't it odd that we are considered suitable to look after other children and the vulnerable?!

Never mind, as others have said, ' that's life' and ' Don't rock the boat' !

x

My own mother took little notice of my children but had all the time in the world for my younger sister's offspring. Even when I asked for help when my late husband was posted abroad shortly before our second child was expected, she was "too busy" but twice was able to find the time to visit my sister in France when she had her babies.
My mother-in-law, on the other hand, was not only the most caring and influential of grannies, she was also my loving support and my best friend.

I would love to see more of my two toddler grandsons but they live 60 miles away
Meanwhile, because my daughter-in-law's mother looks after them two days a week, it's her they know and if she's around, it's her they go to. Understandable.
I'm torn two ways, between moving there, missing my friends and the older grandchildren who live nearby to spend more time with the little ones.

I have no doubt that the other grandma is favoured. My SiL's Dad left so they are all close to their Mum and he will fight more to ensure the GCs see his Mum. My daughter doesn't rate me as high as that!

I don't have to compete with the other grandparents because DD's in laws are both dead and DS's in laws are in Hungary. But I do feel closer to DD's children because they are so like her and seem like an extension of my own children. DS's little boy is a darling but doesn't quite seem like one of mine. I think we will get closer as he gets older.

I don't think you should see it as a competition.
A lot is to do with geography. My mother had more to do with my brother's children because she was close.
The mother has a lot to do with it when small. It that is a very short period. They then make their own relationships and it can't be dictated by someone else.

I have just started to do this as my one gc is now 6mths old. My son and his partner live a few minutes from her mum and about half an hour from us. They see a lot more of her than me. At first I thought I would be upset that she was more in his life than I am, but now, I really don't mind at all. In fact, I joined gransnet because of how I was feeling over this.

I have babysat a couple of times while she does it about once a week. I have a fairly busy life and so would have to say no if asked as much, so I suppose its better this way.
We are very different grans as well. In the coming years my dgs will get differnt things from both of us and the more people that love him the better.

The only piece of advice I can give has already been said on here so many times. KEEP QUIET! None of this is about us--we are only at the edge and it is a privilege and not a right to be involved in the dgc's lives.

As mother of three boys I will always be the paternal grandmother. It never even occurred to me that I was equal to the maternal grandmothers. I would always expect the girls to go to their mothers first. But we are treated pretty equally, when geography allows. We have a very good relationship with our DILs and skype with the one in America every week. Due to the time difference we do this at a time when she is on her own at home with the little one. If DS wants to speak to us, we can skype again at the weekend.

They all live too far away for us to be involved in babysitting etc.

When mine were little, I had to rely on my parents in law a little, as my own parents were in a different country. My mother in law was a trained child nurse, but she was very old and Father-in-law needed a lot of care, so I didn't like to make too many demands of her.

I am the paternal GM and see GC every week and cover emergency childcare, DIL is an angel and I can not fault her. DIL's parents live at the other end of the country and used to visit a couple of times a year but I can't remember the last time they visited. I used to disappear for the duration of their stay so they could do exciting things together. At the end of the day the important thing is that DC are loved and cared for and not who gets the lion's share of their love.

Both sons' in laws live at a distance, as do I. When we were young parents both sets of GPs also lived quite far off. My parents were more likely to visit as they could come straight down the M1, whereas my in-laws had to navigate round or through London in the days before the M25. We managed very well without GPs in the vicinity as do my sons' families. There never was and there still is not any competition between me and the other GPs. In fact, when I see them, we get on very well together.

I can't get over the title of this thread, or the frequent references to competitive relationships between grandparents about who is the most important/involved grandparent. I'm genuinely in something of a

Hear, hear, Iam64!

I'm a maternal gran with 3 DD's. Youngest daughter lives quite near and when she came out of hospital after the birth(s), I offered to help - she went through post natal depression and now the twins are almost 7 months old. I'm always made welcome by both Mum, Dad and the twins. Over the last 3 months as my daughter has settled down I was a bit concerned that their paternal Grandparents seemed to see little of the twins. Three weeks ago I suggested that my daughter should take the twins to the other Grandparents on a regular basis (they don't have a car and are getting on).
Part of my reasoning for this has come from reading so many letters from Grandparents who feel ignored as paternal grandparents. I'm very happy to say my daughter now visits them every Monday afternoon. I'm so pleased that they are now going to have the opportunity to get to know the girls better. Secondly, I think it's very important for children to see different relatives and have the opportunity to build their own relationships.
My daughter also will need to fit in visits to her Dad and wife, although they do travel from time to time. I'm hoping everyone will continue to work at creating good relationships with the whole (extended) family to give the children the best possible outcomes.
I know this sounds rather 'goody, goody' but for me family is 100% important and grown-ups are there to help, have fun and enjoy their younger relatives, giving help and support when they can

mrsmopp. Are you talking about situations where the paternal and maternal grandparents both live near the grandchilden?
As that strikes me as a different scenario to those, like myself and my DD and others who happen to live a lot nearer the ils than their parents. And thus the paternal grandparents end up seeing a lot more of the grandchildren than the maternal ones.